I love him so much but what he did to me was so wrong

on May 30, 2010 @ 02:35 am

i've been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months now. Last night our plans were to stay home make a bonfire in the yard and listen to some cd's I made for him. He gets a call from his friend saying he's having a going away party and if we could stop by and have a few beers and just hang. I don't know anyone that will be there except his best friend who invited us so I was happy to put my best face forward for my boyfriend and be really nice to everyone. We get there early and we're the first ones there so we hang with his friend and start drinking. As time passes more people start to show up and I try my hardest to talk to everyone and be friendly so they get a good impression of me since they never met me before. My boyfriends birthday is next week and I had a party planned at a bar and grill so I invite one of the guys who has been talking and joking with us the whole night because he seemed really awesome, and my boyfriend seemed to really get along with him. My boyfriend makes his rounds and I stayed in the same place and continued to talk to this guy which I thought was very innocent I talked about my boyfriend most of the convo and I was honestly was just nervous to walk around people I didn't know so I stayed and just chatted with this fellow. I later got accused of flirting with him, my boyfriend yelled at me I said I was totally not flirting I was just having a conversation with him and you were there for almost all of the conversations. I also got accused of flirting with another fellow when in all honesty I was just sitting down because the beer made me feel a little sick and he just made small talk. We eventually leave and the whole car ride he is yelling and screaming calling me a slut, another word that starts with a C and ends with a T, we make it back to his place and he doesn't let me in, he locks the door and I have to beg him to even listen and speak to me but he never lets me in. We are a good 20 minutes driving away from my home and he has my keys in his house as well. It's late and I don't want to cause a scene so I walk down the street to think of what I should do, I sit on the ground and about 15 minutes later he comes up the street and I hug him and he says I should just hit you. I tell him to leave but please give me my keys, he does not and goes back inside his house and about 3 more times I begged him to give me my keys and he slammed the door in my face each time. I have no phone because it died, I have no  keys and no one to come get me, I couldn't walk on the expressway home it would have taken me all morning to get home. I walk around and sit around in the cold for 3 hours!!! I made one last attempt to speak to him and that time he didn't even answer. I end up walking to a gas station and telling the woman what happened and if she could call the police for me, it was my only choice and I was so embarrased I know I smelled a little like beer, and what he did to me was so embarrasing. I tell the police what happened and they drive me to his house to get my keys, the have to bang on the door over and over before he comes out. He fell asleep!!! I was outside for 3 hours in the cold and he fell asleep!!! He lies to the cops and says im not his girlfriend and he doesnt have my keys, I am in even more shock now, so the police and i leave with no keys and head to the station to find me a ride home. They eventually get him to give up my keys and i sit there waiting in the station for one of the officers to give me a ride home. My boyfriend ends up showing up at the station and apologizes and asks if he can take me home, i say no you need to leave and he doesnt, the officer end up coming out and making him leave. I eventually get home and cannot believe what just happened. I was completely embarrased and deeply hurt, i get home and receive a whole bunch of apologies from my boyfriend and him begging me to come back to him. My gut tells me to leave, what should I do? what just happened here? im still in shock

11 Replies

signs of abuse on May 30, 2010 @ 05:49 pm

I don't know what your relationship is like with him before this happened. But this sounds to me like he's a very jealous person and he's emotionally abusive. Just because you are dating someone, it doesn't mean he has the right to tell you who you can or cannot talk to. Even if you were flirting (and I'm not saying you were), he had no right to treat you this way. He left you outside by yourself in the middle of the night. It's dangerous; what if something happens to you?

I think you were right to call the police. If it takes the police for him to give you back your house keys (which is YOUR property), then this person deserve a second chance.

Leave on May 30, 2010 @ 05:55 pm

Sorry this happen, I think this is so wrong what he did to you. I would say listen to your gut and leave him. If that's what you feel then do it.

Good luck.

thank you on May 30, 2010 @ 05:58 pm

before this it was pretty rocky, he has hit me once before but swore it would never happen again, i can't believe how dumb I've been in allowing this. I always told myself that if I were in a situation like that I would bail, but here I am wondering if I'm overreacting and if i should give it another shot. I honestly don't even know what's going on and my common sense and clear judgement are completely gone. I need help in finding it again

Leave on May 30, 2010 @ 07:10 pm

Honey, I am sure you love him to bits and want desperately to forgive and move past this. However, there are thousands and millions of abused women out there who think the same thing - "he'll change, it was just the beer, it was only this one time..."

Some of the time, that might even be true. But you owe it to yourself to not test the theory. Leave him and maybe it'll be the wakeup call he needs to get himself some help. Staying with him, even if it's to help him, enables him to continue.

Tough love, girlfriend. That's the response here. Take care of yourself before you stop having a choice in the matter or worse - have a child with him that may suffer the same.

no second chance on May 30, 2010 @ 08:20 pm

Ooops! This is Anonymous#1. I meant to say he did NOT deserve a second chance from you after that incident with the police.

And he hit you once already. What makes you think he won't do it again? Listen to your common sense. He Hit You. There is no reason to raise a hand against another person, Not Ever, under any circumstances. You may love him very much but you deserve better than him.

Ali de Bold
LEAVE on May 31, 2010 @ 01:04 pm

Don't even think about it, end it now.

This is an abusive situation and the fact that you stayed with him after he hit you proves your self esteem has already been damaged from being with him.

Abusers make you think it's your fault. You will find yourself considering "Was it me? Should I apologize? Maybe it's both of us..." Then you will move on to "But I love him. He's a good person deep down. I can help him with his temper." etc etc.

You can't fix him. It's not your fault. Things will only get worse from here.

I actually dated someone just like that years ago and I ended up getting my head smashed into a wall and thrown across the room. He of course was so apologetic after that I actually considered maybe it was my fault for upsetting him. That's how deluded you get in these situations. I didn't even report him to the police because I felt bad for him. I thought, I'm a strong person and I can handle my own pain. Now, I can't believe I ever let anyone treat me that way.

What people don't realize if they've never been in this situation is that it alters the way you would normally behave. The moments of abuse are so shocking you don't react the way you think you would.

Please. End the relationship and never speak to him again.

To Ali on May 31, 2010 @ 03:33 pm

Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I look at you and I see a beautiful strong woman, I never would have guessed that you had been in a similar situation. You are so right, this type of situation does alter the way you would normally behave, I always knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was strong and I had a good head on my shoulders and then when this happened I felt weak, I felt sorry for him. I would look at people I knew who had been through the same thing and say are you freaking kidding me, why are you even still talking to him? Yet there I was doing the same thing. I am very disappointed in myself and ashamed. I cannot believe I allowed this, and I will not ever again. I have left him and I have not spoken to him even though he is giving me the it will never happen again speech, and please just give me one last chance speech. I found out that no matter how strong you are, this type of abuse makes you feel weak and makes you feel like you will never do any better than this man, and he always has a way of making you feel sorry for him and that's why you stay and take it. I am so glad it wasn't any worse than it was. Thank you ladies for your encouraging words, I really needed it, and it helped me regain my strength and my self esteem to leave and be who I really am again.

Ali de Bold
Pastrychefchick on May 31, 2010 @ 04:16 pm

I'm so glad you are standing up for yourself. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. I'm so thankful something positive could come out of my situation and that it is helping you.

There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. This is his problem. Even if you do something to upset someone they have no right to hit you, say those awful things to you or lock you out in the cold.

Don't feel sorry for him either. He didn't feel sorry for you when he was calling you a c**t, taking your keys and locking the door, hitting you or having a nap while you shivered outside. He doesn't deserve your sympathy. He needs to fix his own problems.

What you need now is to surround yourself with good friends and family who love you and will support you. Tell them about your decision and what he did to you so that they can look out for you. If you feel tempted to take him back, call someone who will talk you out of it.

Now you will be bombarded by his apologies. Don't let that change your mind. Stay strong and take some time to let yourself heal. Then your next relationship can be with someone wonderful who won't control you, scream at you, hit you or make you feel worthless.

Big Hugs!!!!

Thank you so much Ali on May 31, 2010 @ 05:45 pm

I really thank you for the uplifting words, it really helped me through this. I will never speak to him again and I plan on staying single for a while until I get myself back on track and allow myself to heal. I look back and I cannot believe I let myself be treated that way. You are right though, he is the one with the problem and he was just doing everything he could to make me believe it was all me and feel sorry for him. I see everything so clear now. Thank you so much for the support and the kind words.

Good job! on May 31, 2010 @ 06:20 pm

Good job pastrychefchick!

I've never been in an abusive relationship before but I have been treated badly by guys I've dated before. I also know from experience that it's very hard to be objective when you're in a relationship, especially when you care about someone that much. I think that's one of the reasons people stay in those types of relationships for too long. And they justify it with the same things, "it was just once" or "I care about him so much", etc.

It takes a lot of strength to get out of a situation like that. I think things will be hard for a bit considering the change in your life but you'll see soon that it'll actually be a lot better. I agree with Ali, be with supportive people. You deserve better than being treated like that and don't forget it.

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