I need help getting my ex back :((

on Dec 15, 2011 @ 04:15 pm

my bf and I were together for 7 years and he broke up with me about 10 months ago. we have had other break ups before (a couple) and have gotten back together after like a month or so. The previous break ups all happened after our friend (his very close friend) committed suicide about a year and a half ago and my bf has not really dealt with it yet.
we kept in touch while broken up even when i went overseas to visit my dad for 5 months we sent each other fb msgs including bday wishes and even flirted a bit like when we first started going out. I called him twice when i was away. The 1st time was very casual and comfortable and the 2nd time i brought up getting back together and how i could see some of my stuff that bugged him. he basically said to me that we have given this thing enough chances and that its not fair for me to come back after 4-5 months and getting him all confused again. I told him that the chances we gave each other were too soon cuz we never had the chance to reflect back and that i just want to him to think about it. at the end of the convo (i think as a last resort) he said he is dating someone. I acted completely cool with it and said i'm sure she's nice but she'll never be what i was to you, just like no guy will ever be what you were to me. i also told him that while being away i met someone (a friend) who had all the stuff i always wanted him to have (be able to argue about everything! yeah i know! but i wanna be a lawyer so...) but it was not attractive to me anymore and made me realize what i had was in fact what i wanted. After our convo he went to fb and changed his relationship status to "in a relationship" which is so weird that all of a sudden you're doing this! So I have been back home for about 3 months now. We keep in casual contact like every week or so we text each other to see how the other is doing but i never brought up getting back together again. I have seen him about 7-8 times now, most of it was his idea.Once i gave him a whole bunch of stuff i had brought back for him to let him know i was thinking about him. He loved all of it. I have seen him with friends and also alone. He always seems to want to make the night longer. It starts with meeting up and leads to dinner and then coffee... this is usually when we're with friends. He still pays for my food, we share food and sit next to eachother. I've been told that to other people it looks the same as it always did, like we're still dating! When we're alone he seems very comfortable like usual, he has played with my hair commenting on the fact that i had straightened it (i have naturally curly hair), he has smacked me on my ass or bit my ass as a joke, he has ticked me, sat on top of me and grabbed my boobs as a joke while i'm lying on his bed (and i could tell he was excited if u know what i mean!!), and now last week when i took him some coffee while he was at work, we were saying goodbye and he kissed me on the lips, very quick, more like a peck like he usually does when he says goodbye. I thought it was a reflex and i looked to see if he'll get nervous or apologize but he just smiled, held my hand for a sec and walked off. A couple of days later he texted me again and we met up for coffee, he was very casual, commented on my boobs and bra as a joke but then something happened. He walked off to take a phone call and i had his ipod. I clicked on his mail and found a couple of emails from a girl with a picture of her with the words "Love you, i'm sorry :(" on the pic. One email has the colored picture and one has a black and while pic, same pic, same words. and there was one email to her with no text, just the subject "love you"!!! Do you think he is in love with this new person now? she is not here, she is long distance but i have seen him text people when we're out with friends. What do you think i should do??? I really want him back. it was 7 years :(( and i love him sooooooo much.
Also you should know that i am 28 and he is 26. He hasn't found himself yet, doesn't know what he wants to do with his life which is one of the reasons he gave me for breaking up. He doesn't wanna hold me back (bullshit!!!). This guy is so bad at talking and communicating so i'm afraid if i say anything to him about wanting to be back again he'll just say no and that'll push him back 20 steps. he has also commented on fb after seeing me one night that being in love is so hard and you shouldn't fall in love cuz it fucks u over!! my friends think he needs to play the field before coming back cuz he didn't really date before dating me when he was 18. i'm also really close with his family especially his sister.
anyways... please tell me what u think i should do... i really need to get him back...

24 Replies

Wait on Dec 15, 2011 @ 07:41 pm

This sounds really complicated.If you seen pictures of another girl saying she loves him and shes sorry then he was defiantly in another relationship.It sounds like hes enjoying having the attention of the two of you.If hes in a relationship he shouldn't be making advances at you.Seven years is a long time and if its meant to be you will get back together.But make sure that he has ended the other relationship and not playing both of you.You really don't want to get back in a relationship with someone who has another girl on the side.

You told him you are interested and hes aware of that.Maybe just step back a bit and let him decide and let him come to you and tell you hes ready to try again.Maybe he needs some time.If hes telling you he has not found himself yet then no hes not ready to settle down just yet.I know its painful and you want to make things work,but really be sure you are both ready to commit and be faithful to one another.Good things come to those who wait.Good luck and I hope things work out for you.


Ali de Bold
Agree with bren on Dec 16, 2011 @ 04:36 pm

It sounds like he is trying out both relationships. For the sake of your sanity and your dignity, back off and don't spend any more time with him until he knows what he wants. I know you love him, but if he is the one for you he will come back to you. Maybe he's not the right one? Either way, you should not have to share him with anyone.

Let him sort out his business and when he's ready he will let you know. He knows where to find you. In the mean time I wouldn't wait for him. Carry on with your life. Life has a way of working these things out.

WORD on Dec 16, 2011 @ 05:15 pm

I agree with Bren and Ali. This guy is comparison-shopping, and you don't want to be part of that. He needs to decide and then move on with his life. Tell him to pick, and then be prepared to live with the outcome. If he's playing you now, what will happen down the line when you're married with kids?

If its meant to be..... on Dec 17, 2011 @ 04:28 pm

I know it's cliche but if it's meant to be...it will be... without the need to plot and ploy. Plus you shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. It's definitely hard for you to move on because 7 years is a very long time together and you've gotten comfortable and he has become a huge part of your life. I would say, based on what you've written, you might be better off away from this relationship.
It's bad that you've broken up so many times, and behaviour like that usually continues. Also, you mentioned he can't communicate and you're afraid to say how you feel because he'll just be pushed 20 steps back, that's a huge red flag. If you were to get back together and continue in this relationship, you'll still be in that atmosphere where you can't express yourself.
What I would suggest is that you break all ties and start focusing on yourself and not being used in his games. What might happen during this time, is that he genuinely matures and becomes what would be best for you, but it doesn't seem this will be the case right now.

complicated! on Dec 19, 2011 @ 11:58 am

Agree with all of the above. 7 years is a long time, and life is even longer!! We girls fall into these traps of "I've been with him for x-many-years, i've been with him for so long...etc" and we convince ourselves that what we have in this "long term" relationship is really what we want in life and what we think love is.

I was in a relationship where we broke up / made up / broke up / etc. over and over, until we finally made up and we got married. Do I need to say what a total disaster the marriage was? All the reasons why we broke up so many times resurfaced, just a million times more intense. The marriage lasted a grand total of 3 / 4 months, and left me with huge emotional scars and major trust issues. It took me many years to learn to trust to the small extent of talking to another guy. Get it? It took YEARS to even TALK to another man!

Many years later, I met a guy, first guy I really talked to since the divorce, who was in every way perfect for me. So perfect in fact that I gave him the hardest time of his life 'cuz I didn't trust him to be real. We spent a year getting to know eachother and another year marrying. Now when I look at his face every night, I can't even recall what my ex looked like. Often I just pause, and let myself feel how secure and confident I feel in this relationship and with this man. How he has, with his everyday actions, slowly built my trust back. I can't say that I trust like I used to or that I forgot what happened in the past, and I don't think I ever will. But I CAN say that "highschool romance" and "first love" and "so many years together" are bullshit reasons to commit to a whole life together.

Perhaps this guy can become the man you need, but right now it doesn't look like it. Do you really want to spend the rest of your entire life walking on eggshells because if you speak your mind he might misunderstand? As for the many times you've broken up, I'm sure there were good reasons to why you broke up! The suicide of his friend was tragic, but not a good enough reason to break up and go with someone else. In fact something like this should have brought you closer together, don't you think?

Ok, I know anything I say may or may not sink in. Probably not. Please ask yourself do you want him back, or are you afraid to let go of the security you've known all these years? Is this really truly what you want in life? If you're compromising so much now, what will you have to do later?

Icing on the cake, this guy looks like he's playing both fields. Don't let him. Respect yourself enough to know you deserve better.

And watch the movie "he's just not that into you" - pretty good lessons in there!

Run on Dec 19, 2011 @ 01:34 pm

Love him or not...sounds like he's playing both of you.

Tell him to figure his stuff out and when he's come to a resolution about what he wants, then to call you.

The last thing any woman with dignity and self respect needs is to be someone's convenience.

"EX" on Jan 04, 2012 @ 11:25 am

Have you given yourself the chance to find someone else? Have you gone on dates? How do you know that this is the guy for you?

After that many years you start to get comfortable... he seems like the perfect guy but in all reality he's not. Why would you want to be with someone that you can't talk too? Life is full of challenges and obsticles and you should have good communication to be able to work through it all together.

I truely believe that anything meant to be will be. You have to let go!! If he comes back to you later on wanting to work things out - great! In the meantime, go out and have fun, enjoy life and stop worrying about this guy!!! I bet there is someone else out there waiting for you to notice them and they may just be the real "ONE"..

Don't waste your life trying to get back what's gone for a reason.

"Larry" on Jan 04, 2012 @ 10:27 pm

LOL! Guy are you serious?? I have never heard anything so bizarre in my life. Or disturbing. Glad you worked things out but hope you are joking about how that came to be...

He is... on Jan 10, 2012 @ 03:49 pm

...not that into you!

I think you have to face the facts. He is not that into you. If he was, he would go for you full tilt. You give him the opportunity to flirt with you and take advantage of you. I know that you are thinking he is sending you mixed messages but it's all a symptom of not being that into you. I don't think I have ever seen a more simple case of being led on.

Don't fall for the hype! He may be just bored and playing with your emotions.


ex on Mar 26, 2012 @ 02:06 am

If you were meant to be, it would have happened. You deserve better than 2nd place or being compared to another. Its sad about his friend, but sounds like you are almost making excuses for him. During a time of death, it would bring you closer, at least I would think so. Put him behind you, harder said than done, it will be hard, but you will be better off in the long run.

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