I need your help

on Oct 27, 2010 @ 03:10 pm

He didn't forget my birthday because he asked me and confirmed the date not that long ago, and he mentioned it again the day before.  But on the bday itself, he didn't call or text or anything.  He hasn't called or texted since the day before the bday.

I don't THINK this is typical behaviour for him but then the cynical side of me asks how well do i actually know him??   Even though I'm extremely hurt at his behaviour, I want to call and make sure he's OK, but another part of me doesn't want that sort of pattern to be set: where he does something to hurt me, but yet I'm the one chasing him down for one reason or another.  So I don't want to call.

I'm sure if anything really bad happened even if he couldn't call me his parents or siblings would call and let me know.  So I'm telling myself to keep a low profile until this weekend and see if he calls or not.  Then on the weekend call his mom to say hi and casually ask her if he called her and seemed OK, etc.

Our relationship is very new, and I don't want to set the wrong pattern!!  I don't want to be taken advantage of and I don't want to be the stupid girl that runs after her guy even when he's in the wrong.

What should I do?

13 Replies

Ali de Bold
Awkward on Oct 27, 2010 @ 05:58 pm

First of all, Happy Birthday!

If you know for a fact he's alive and well there is no good excuse for him to have not contacted you on your birthday. Why didn't he take you out on a date?? Especially the fact that he talked to you the day before your birthday and knew it was that day looks really bad on him.

However, I think you should first give him the benefit of the doubt that something has gone wrong. Just call him up casually and see how he is doing. If something happened that is understandable don't give him a hard time.

But, if he acts like everything is fine you could casually mention what you did on your birthday and see what he says. If he doesn't apologize profusely you know he's either A: Completely clueless or B: He doesn't really care and not contacting you on your birthday is his way of creating space.

If the answer is B, then he's a boob and you don't need a boob in your life.

Agreed! on Oct 28, 2010 @ 10:15 am

I agree with Ali.
If he's all fine and dandy and confirmed beforehand when your birthday was, there's no reason for him not to at least call or text Happy Birthday! When you said "our relationship is very new", do you mean a dating relationship? or friendship relationship? Because if it's a dating relationship, that's honest not how a guy usually acts unless something went wrong on his end... if it's just a friendship relationship, maybe he's really just not that into you, unfortunately.

Like what Ali said, I'd say contact him first and make sure he's okay, and then ask him what his side of the story is. Most times, friction arises from miscommunication.

but I think... on Oct 28, 2010 @ 10:48 am

But I think that even if he's mad at me for some reason, whatever it may be, and i honestly can't think of why he would be.... it was my BIRTHDAY shouldn't he have put his own feelings aside for just one day and been there for me?? The next day he could have told me that I didn't appreciate what you said/did, etc..?? Is that too much to ask for?

Honestly ladies give me your opinion, is that really too much to ask for?

I thought that's what "love" is... when in time of need (or a time when your partner *should* take priority over you..e.g. their birthday!!), you put your own feelings aside for the person you "love" and be there for them. Am I wrong?

And when I say it's new I mean we're newly married :( this is NOT the guy i fell in love with and married that's for sure... and Ali he's temporarily in another city which is why he couldn't take me out :(

Hoooooold the phone on Oct 28, 2010 @ 11:59 am

Newly married!?!? That is another story.

Let's just forget the "new" part, because it's the "married" part that is key here.

He's being a boob for sure, and you are absolutely justified in getting mad about it. If you were just dating, I'd rationalize it. This is not right.

When you next speak to him, just ask him flat out - "hey, I was bummed that you forgot - is anything the matter?" Don't rush into it with an accusing tone. It'll only put him on the defensive, and in case there is some logical explanation you want to give him the opportunity to make it right by you. Even if there's no good reason, we all screw up and forget things - give him the chance to apologize and then accept his sincere (if it is sincere) apology with grace.

If he acts infantile, then ... well, you have more to sort out than just a missed birthday.

Good luck!

Ali de Bold
Did you have a major fight? on Oct 28, 2010 @ 12:55 pm

Is there more here than meets the eye? Unless something happened to him (God forbid), the only other thing I can guess based on what you said is that the two of you may have had a fight prior to your birthday and he is upset with you. Am I way off?

If you had a fight he might have needed some space to cool off. However unless it was a MAJOR fight (i.e deal breakers were involved), I'd still expect my husband to call on my birthday to wish me well.

If I'm way off base and there was nothing wrong, then I'm in Mamaluv's camp. I think we need a bit more info.

oh dear.. on Oct 28, 2010 @ 01:06 pm

Okay if this was a new relationship I'd say bring it up nicely, but if you are married this is a MAJOR no-no!

Here is my honest opinion:

I'm not married myself but I have been in a relationship for 2 years and if he were to forget my birthday I can assure you all heck would break loose, and I would seriously reconsider his feelings for me! Sorry if that sounds harsh. I get that people are busy and sometimes birthdays can be easy to forget, but let's be honest, if he is prone to forgetting that sort of thing he could easily have taken 4 seconds to write a reminder sticky-note the day before.

If you are married, even if he is mad for whatever reason, there is absolutely no excuse for not talking for several days at a time. That's juvenile on his part.

You should be comfortable enough with each other to be able to confront him on this and I think you should do it asap. Good luck! and Happy Birthday :)

update on Oct 28, 2010 @ 05:03 pm

He called me several times early this morning, I was busy getting ready for work so I didn't pick up.. I don't want our first talk to be had when I was busy and absent minded.

He left me a vm saying how he hopes i'm well, he's sure I'm well and I must be enjoying my days and have lots of fun.

So I get from his tone... he's trying to somehow blame me for him not calling / texting / wishing me happy birthday.

I don't respond.. I don't call, text, nothing.

He calls me again two hours later...this time I pick up. He started off nice, asking me how i am, etc. I didn't really respond, I just kept saying "Ohhkay..." he understood that i was mad at him. So he says how its funny that he's the one that should be mad at me and instead i'm mad at him. according to him i said something hurtful to him the day before my bday when we talked last and thats why he didn't contact me since then.

As he was talking I'd walked to the terrace where I could talk (and yell) at him alone... and I let him have it! I just was SO mad and surprisingly I was able to still keep my head and talk to him and let him have it coherently!

I told him that NOTHING i said can excuse him ignoring me on my birthday. Even if i said the worst thing on earth, even if i broke the best thing he had, even if i did whatever, anything you can think of, NOTHING can excuse his behaviour. I basically said along the lines that: 364 days of the year you can think about yourself, be selfish and wallow in your hurt feelings, but the ONE DAY thats ALL ABOUT ME is my birthday and you couldn't put your itty bitty hurt feelings aside for ONE DAY and be there for me??? Your hurt feelings couldn't wait until the day after my bday to manifest??? You couldn't call you couldn't text and wish me happy bday? not every single bloody day is about you, this one single day is all about me!! you couldn't put yourself aside for one day and be there for me!?!? He tried to defend himself saying he wanted to call and etc. but .... and i didn't let him get any further. I don't give a rats ass what he wanted to do! I wanted to be a singer, i wanted to be famous, i wanted to be nancy drew...who gives a whop what i wanted!? What I am, what i DID is what counts. I don't care that he wanted to call me, the fact is he didn't. He couldn't get over himself enough to call me on my own birthday. He was so damn selfish and thinking OF HIMSELF on MY DAY that he couldn't even put his "hurt feelings" aside on MY DAY and be there for me unconditionally...

Anyways..that's basically where the convo left off, i had to get back to work and so did he. He called again after that but I was in meetings so i texted him telling him I can't pick up the phone now and to call me later if he wants.

i don't want to "understand" his side of the story...not when its my day!!! any other day and i'm open to understanding, but when its my day then there's nothing he can say that will excuse him for his selfish behaviour.

Small example and I don't mean to compare but, a friend of mine is getting married and she's being a bit of a bridezilla. My other friends are sort of pushing back on her about her behaviour, but i'm letting it all slide because she's the bride, this is HER moment, its all about HER now... this is not about me!!! It's about her.. so if she's under stress and bitching a little helps her, then let her. I recognize this time is all about her, I care about her enough to put my own feelings aside and be there for her.

If I can recognize that this is one of the few times in life when it's all about her, and I can put my feelings aside and be there for her unconditionally, and i'm just a friend, then WHY can't i expect the same treatment from my husband?

P.s. on Oct 28, 2010 @ 05:06 pm

THANK YOU guys for the happy birthday wishes!!!! *blush* :-)

Short-sighted view on Oct 28, 2010 @ 05:17 pm

Forgive me for saying this but I think you're both being a bit short sighted and immature about your relationship as a whole. I don't say this to hurt your feelings but to give you my honest opinion of what I know about marriage and to honestly try to help you.

You're both being "rightists" at the expense of respecting each other.

He thinks he's right that you don't deserve a phone call on your birthday because you hurt his feelings. You think you're right to scream at him because he should have called you on your birthday regardless of even if you "did or said the worst thing on earth" (which, by the way I disagree).

You flat out said you don't want to understand him. I'm not trying to defend his behavior because I actually think you're both wrong and that you will both destroy your marriage by behaving like this.

Some of the things you said about his "itty bitty feelings" and the whole "MY DAY" thing doesn't really hold water when you are both supposed to love and respect each other unconditionally.

Just because it's your birthday doesn't give you carte blanche to treat someone poorly. And him punishing you by not calling you on your birthday is making the problem worse.

You should each focus on treating the other with the kind of love and respect you want from the other. Screaming at each other long distance never solved anyone's problems.

You should sit down and have a good talk when he gets back on how both of you can do a better job respecting and supporting each other in the relationship.

Your birthday will come once a year but the remaining 364 days of the year together are infinitely more important and more worth investing in.

I hope I haven't offended you, just honestly trying to help.

I'm with Anonymous on this one. . . on Oct 28, 2010 @ 08:40 pm

I'm going to support what Anonymous said in the previous post.

I know you say his reasons are selfish and he shouldn't treat you like that on your birthday, but feeling hurt isn't being selfish. I don't think he can really help that. You can't help what you feel. Though I do believe that doesn't necessarily excuse his behaviour.

I believe that he should've wished you a happy birthday. But I also believe that whatever you did to hurt him must've been big and the fact that you didn't even address that is an immature attitude to take. If I was married (but have had b/fs) and I hurt my husband emotionally enough to the point that he didn't contact me on my birthday AND a few days after it, whatever I did would've been HUGE. For someone who is supposed to love you SO MUCH to be hurt by you to the extent that he doesn't contact you on your birthday means he must've been really hurt and I don't think you should push that aside, especially if you're married. And that fact that you don't even want to understand him is just really sad. I actually can't believe you guys are married for you to have that attitude.

I've been in situations, like during Christmas, where I'm so mad at my sister for something she did the day before I might not talk to much that day and avoid her. It doesn't matter to me if it's Christmas or not, that doesn't take away what she did and doesn't make me any less angry.

Yes, I think he should've at least sent you a text as then he wouldn't have had to talk to you on the phone and still showed he cared. I also think you can't treat your husband, or anyone, like you're treating him. First hurting his feelings and then disregarding his hurt feelings. If it was the other way around, I'm sure most people would tell the girl to dump the guy.


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