i think i need help

on Oct 19, 2008 @ 04:31 pm

well.im having trouble in my relationship because i am extremely jealous (due to me being insecure).my boyfriend and i broke up before because of this and i cant seem to work through it.we always just watch movies or eat out,but we never do fun things like going 'out' to clubs and a lot is because i am insecure and i get miserable when there are other pretty girls around.my bf always holds me but i still sulk.i hate this and its taking me a lot to actually admit its a problem(hence anonymous).please could you ladies help me..i dont want my relationship to end because of my pettiness.its a serious situation because my bf has already mentioned that he feels things are gettn 'boring' and whenever we go out i always get insecure with other girls around and i mess up the whole night.how i become more confident even though my bf already always tells me when i look pretty and he is proud of me as his gfriend).how do i overcome this odd threat of other female company, because its starting to annoy my bf.and me too in a way.

15 Replies

Ali de Bold
What is great about you? on Oct 19, 2008 @ 07:59 pm

Sorry to hear this, Anonymous. Please understand that self esteem is nothing anyone else can help you with, it is something you have to sort out for yourself. Why are you so insecure? Do you think you aren't interesting enough, not pretty or smart enough.. etc? If you think that, why? I guarantee most people are insecure and even the ones that put on the bravest face have moments of crippling self-doubt. The important thing is to overcome it.

By being insecure and jealous of other women, you are placing them above you. Why are you giving away your power like that? If your boyfriend wanted to be with another woman, he would be.

I'm not a psychologist but here's what I suggest:

1. Stop looking for affirmation from your boyfriend or anyone else. Nothing is less attractive than insecurity and unnecessary neediness. Think about it. Would you want to be with someone who thought they were a loser? Isn't that sort of insulting your taste in being with that person?

2. What is great about you? Write down 10 great things about yourself and post them on your bathroom mirror. This sounds cheese but eventually even you will believe it. Life is a precious gift and you are here for a reason. Find that reason and pursue it. Every minute you waste being jealous and insecure is time taken away from finding your true purpose and passion.

3. Stop putting the focus on yourself. By being insecure and self-conscious you are focusing too much on yourself. Focus instead on others around you. This will help you to feel more engaged with other people and stop obsessing and thinking you aren't good enough. Sulking and being insecure is actually very selfish. You may think you aren't, but if your energy is all negative and self-directed, that's actually selfish.

Regardless of your relationship with your boyfriend this is an issue you need to sort out about yourself as it will (and probably does) affect every area of your life. Right now you are your own harshest critic. Start believing in yourself and what you have to offer. Don't waste another minute of your life feeling lesser than someone else.

thank you on Oct 20, 2008 @ 04:07 am

just to answer your question...its that i think (in other female company), that im not attractive enough or interesting enough.i understand i need to work through this onmy own,but its going to be hard coz things have been this way for a while.thank you miss chickie!i really appreciate it

Happiness on Oct 20, 2008 @ 10:32 am

One of the best things I've learned and has helped me in times of
despair, whether it be from an outside source or my own self, is that
we are all responsible for our own happiness. We can't expect it to
come from anywhere else. If you want to be happy, just make the
conscious decision to be happy from within yourself. Don't rely on the
outside world to give that to you. And ultimately don't let it take it
from you.

In times of jealousy, just remember that only you make yourself jealous
of them. They don't set out to make you, specifically you, jealous
(although some girls do have this aim and they themselves are lacking
more self esteem than you do because they feel the need to validate
themselves through others pain).

Your mind and your ego are two separate things. Technically you have two 'voices' in your head. One that's making you jealous (your ego) and the other that knows better (your mind/soul). Try ignoring your ego the next time you go out. Be really aware
of it and the thoughts it wants to make you think, because the more
you're down on yourself, the more presence your ego has. So, when you
see a girl and you think 'wow, she's so attractive, why can't I have
that kind of hair?', dismiss it and remember that it's not true and
that the real you doesn't actually believe it.

You'll find that over time your ego will pop up less and less. And
sure, noone is perfect, we all get jealous from time to time. But the
key is getting over that jealousy and not dwelling on it.

And remember, you'll be so much happier if you can be confident and
in a loving relationship than if you ever became any one of those

really good advice on Oct 20, 2008 @ 11:11 am

...from both of you ladies.but a lot of my jealousy comes from the fact that i think my bfriend might be wanting one of those women (although i think my 'soul' like marayna says) knows that he wants me and if he wanted other women he wouldn't be with me.i think il keep the 'ego and mind' idea with me at all times....im really going to need it,because i can feel i am becoming an unhappy person...thanks to the both of you!

Ali de Bold
Great advice, Marayna! on Oct 20, 2008 @ 11:54 am

I totally agree with everything you said. I think the thing to remember, Anonymous is that if he wanted to be with someone else, he would.

Don't underestimate your own appeal. If you think you aren't interesting enough, get out there more. Meet new people, take a new class, expand your experiences. And don't worry - you don't have to be the most interesting person in the world. Ask others about themselves and you'll have a great conversation for hours without you having to say much at all. ;) Then as you get more confident and comfortable it will flow more naturally.

As to the looks... without knowing what you look like, I'm sure you are being too hard on yourself. Not everyone has the same opinion on what is pretty. Notice how we always consider our friends gorgeous? Because you know and love them. The more you know someone the more beautiful they become in your eyes. Also, we're all going to get old and ugly but our souls are what make us beautiful. Invest in that instead.

so.. on Oct 20, 2008 @ 01:05 pm

id just like to know..if you ladies were in the same position,do you think this would be hard to overcome.right now i feel like i can go out and be confident,but i think when im there its going to be harder

In your shoes... on Oct 20, 2008 @ 01:53 pm

It'll definitely be harder once you're there. I mean, hours before a race you can prepare yourself mentally but once you're actually in the middle of that race it's always a lot harder than when you were just preparing for it. Just remember everything you focused on before you went out. It's going to seem a little crazy at first, kind of like you're listening to the voices in your head, but it's sort of the opposite. You're making an effort to ignore them.

Focus on having fun with your boyfriend and not observing all the other women. He's probably checking you out the entire time you're out! Get some new outfits and really wow him the next time you go out. It'll make you feel so much better about yourself and give everyone else a run for their money :)

Take it one step at a time. Before you go out, remind yourself to focus on diminishing the horrible thoughts that make you feel less confident. And keep reminding yourself like a mantra every time you take a bathroom break.

You're only young once. Flaunt it and enjoy it while you've got it. When you're 50 you'll wish you weren't so down on yourself during these amazing years.

Ali de Bold
It is hard on Oct 20, 2008 @ 02:15 pm

But you know what, I do that every day. I do so many things that scare me. I'm actually a shy person and I used to be self conscious about a lot of things (My boobs aren't big enough, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not worthy enough... etc). I soon discovered that the way I was feeling about myself was not how I was perceived by others and that I was wasting a lot of time and energy on nothing.

I force myself to do things that scare me because I believe strongly in my own potential and I know the only way to overcome that is to do it. I find public speaking extremely unnerving and even doing my own show can make me quite nervous having so many people looking at me, but you know what? Most people aren't looking for you to fail. I believe most people are kind hearted and though the jerks and haters are out there, there are less of them than you think.

One consistent thing I find with successful people is they believe in themselves and carry themselves with confidence. Whether that confidence is deserved or not, if you believe in yourself others will too.

When you put yourself out there or the next time you are in the company of women you think are prettier than you, realize that they are probably just as self-conscious as you are and focus on treating them the way you would like to be treated. Even just complimenting someone on her hair or her outfit is a great ice breaker and can open you up to new friendships. Being kind to someone you are jealous of can actually make you feel a lot better. By being jealous of other women, you are depriving yourself of enjoying your own life and the possible friendships that could be had there.

We all have something special and unique to offer. You just need to figure out what yours is and focus on that. Even the most flawless looking women suffer from self esteem issues and jealousy. Everyone does. Just don't let that be what defines you. One day you will wake up 10 years later and wish you looked now like you did then. Wouldn't it suck to know you wasted that time being jealous of others?


Agreed! on Oct 20, 2008 @ 04:23 pm

"I soon discovered that the way I was feeling about myself was not how I was perceived by others.."

So true!

"Being kind to someone you are jealous of can actually make you feel a
lot better. By being jealous of other women, you are depriving yourself
enjoying your own life and the possible friendships that could be
had there."

And even more true!

So wise. I can feel her getting more confident with each post ;)

thanks so much on Oct 20, 2008 @ 05:03 pm

I really am feeling a lot better, but when the time comes where i actually get put to the test,i'll be thinking of all the great advice i received here.it all makes sense to me and you are right,this is up to me as to how hard i can be on myself to make things better.i was never this way,it somehow grew upon me.i've never ever felt intimidated by other women, but now i do.i'll surely use your advice though.thanks a lot to both of you.it means a lot to me.it really does

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