I thought he was "the one"

on May 15, 2011 @ 03:31 pm

I was dating this guy for a few months and I thought he was "the one". I've never been with someone where I felt like this, where I really saw a future with the person and who I wanted to see everyday. I wanted to spend most of my time with him and actually understood what people mean when they love someone and want to go to sleep with that person and wake up with that person to see them everyday. I've dated quite a few people but I've never felt this before. He said he loved me too. Turns out he was having some emotional conflict and then broke up with me to go back with his ex of 4 - 5 years.

I've gone through break-ups before and I know the whole thing of how to get over people - involve yourself in other things, go out with your friends, focus on yourself, etc.

But this is different. . . I've never thought of having a future with someone before, never thought a guy was "the guy" for me. I'm having such a hard time getting over this and it's been almost 3 weeks already. He wants to be friends still and sometimes I'm weak and give him a call but I always feel bad afterwards.

I keep hoping he'll start caring again and come back but I know it's silly hoping that. I don't know what to do.

20 Replies

Chocolate. on May 16, 2011 @ 10:01 am

Breaking up is never easy, especially such a serious one as this.
I always break out the big box of chocolates (GODIVA <3), finish the box with my girls, and talk about how awful boys are.

Of course they aren't, but it's always a good idea to talk to people who've been through similar experiences.

First thing I always do is to delete all evidence of this guy, and start afresh.

I understand the amount of love that you've invested in this man is not irreversible, but maybe it's the *universe* telling you that he's just not right for you. You can do so much better than him, and find someone much better, but it's just not your time yet.
Be patient, and you will find someone who is perfect just for you, and who will love you more than you love him :).

Ali de Bold
It's hard on May 16, 2011 @ 10:47 am

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how awful that feels. And unfortunately there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. But know this: You won't feel like this forever. You WILL get over him (even though that seems impossible right now) and there will be a day where thinking about him doesn't hurt. Better yet, you will feel this way for someone else one day.

I think you'd be better off not being friends right now because you want something more and it will hurt you over and over again when it's clear he doesn't. It's ok to be sad and it's ok that it has already been 3 weeks. There is no perfect formula for how long it should take you to get over someone. Just make sure you are forcing yourself to do things you enjoy and not allowing yourself to wallow every day. The sooner you can move on from this relationship, the sooner you will be ready for the right one.


One of Two Things on May 16, 2011 @ 11:14 am

Unfortunately, there is nothing any one can say that will make you feel better. But I do recommend a good old-fashioned girls' night with a chick flick, junk food, pizza and pajamas! And not a romantic one (perhaps John Tucker Must Die? lol).

Time really does heal all wounds and although right now it seems hopeless, there IS someone else out there for you. Someone better. Someone that when you meet him, you'll think, "Boy, was I wrong about that last guy".

I'll share an experience I had. My very first boyfriend I had at 16. We dated for about a year and he was one year older than me so he was getting ready to graduate high school. Eventually, he got accepted to a university a LONG ways away and he didn't want to have a long distance relationship so we decided our relationship would end when he was leaving for school. I felt quite abandoned to be honest and by this time I was only 17. I wanted to still give the relationship a try.

But this is my point: an older and wiser lady told me in that time that one of 2 things would happen. 1) We'd end up back together somehow and in 50 years I'll be sitting with my grand kids saying, "I am so glad everything worked out and I married your grandpa" or 2) we won't end up back together and I'll be saying, "Am I ever glad things didn't work out with that first boyfriend and I met and married the man who is your grandpa". And she's right. Because things never did work out and I met someone else a couple years later who is now my husband. And I can't imagine life without him.

Now of course I was quite young and naive at only 16-17 but that advice stuck with me and I hope this can be a help to you as well.

In the mean time, I think it's wise to let by gones be by gones and cut off ties with him. It's VERY hard to have a friendship with someone who you had so much invested in emotionally. Let him be happy and wait until "the real one" comes along for you. He'll fall right into your lap! It always seems to happen that way!

It's funny how life works :) Keep your chin up, he's out there and he'll sweep you off your feet when you least expect it.

Let go on May 16, 2011 @ 12:55 pm

If you are trying to get over him, you should not call him anymore. Being friends with someone who you still have feelings for is never a good idea. It'll be really hard for you to get over him. It is really hard to let someone go especially if you're still hoping that he might come back in the future. But like the saying goes..."if you love something, set it free...and if it comes back, that's how you know."
My suggestion is to just try to get over him. You can't just sit there waiting and hoping he'll come back while you're hurting. If he comes back, that's great! If he doesn't, there will be someone out there that'll be right for you.

Ali de Bold
Re: One of Two things on May 16, 2011 @ 01:06 pm

Beachbabe, I love your advice. I think that's the perfect way to look at it!

my opinion...warning: it's a bit cold on May 16, 2011 @ 03:35 pm

There are 7 billion people in this world, and counting. The last thing we need to worry about is running out of options for "the one". There's no "the one". There's about 7 billion "ones". I remember mamaluv once said something like, how there's no such thing as the ONE, rather it's a combination of the person you are finding a good mesh with someone else who complements you. I really hope she hops on this thread and clarifies what I'm stumbling around trying to say! :-)

Second of all: this guy really wasn't all that. He got involved in a relationship with you while he was still emotionally attached to his ex, lied to you about loving you, misled you into thinking he was into you, all the while he kept in touch with his ex. He got involved with her all over again, basically cheating on you in the process. Of course he cheated on you, how else did he end up back with her? We may not like to think so, but life isn't magic. Reconnecting, falling back in love (or adultery, cheating, and all those nasty words used to describe the same thing) doesn't just happen without contentious effort on both parts. I never do understand when people say they fell in love, didn't mean it to happen, etc. If you (not YOU, but a generic 'you') contact someone, spend time, effort and thought on them, get to know them, share yourself with them emotionally if not physically, and do all the other emotionally (& physically) bonding stuff, then dude, you totally meant for it to happen. You basically forced it to happen.

Sorry, I'm babbling. Cheating is just something that riles me up, and I have zero tolerance for it, in any shape or form. So all in all, he really doesn't sound like a great guy to me. He used you as time-pass or spare while he got his sh*t sorted with his long-term gf, and then ditched you to go running back to her. Honestly I'm a bit disappointed she took him back. Does she think he was pining away for her, repenting over whatever it was that caused their break in the first place? Hmmm...

Do NOT wait around for him to come back. You don't want someone dishonest in your life. In fact, if he drops by to see how you are (maybe a pat on the back, ya he da man, he has a gorgeous girl like you pining for him) show him how amazing your life is be like, sorry, you were gone?

Listen to girl power songs by PCDolls, JLo, Destiny's Child, etc. (old school, but works!), and reconnect with your friends. Remind yourself over and over that he is NOT a good guy, in fact he's such a slick baddie, that he got you thinking he's a good guy and not even realize what a baddie he is!! That's skills. Don't let those skills work on you again.

love and big hugs xoxo

what she said on May 16, 2011 @ 04:13 pm

Becky, Beachbabe and everyone else have already given great advice! I'm chiming in here to (a) lend moral support *hugs* and (b) because of what Becky said.

I have indeed said in the past that I don't believe there is just One person for you. There are many people who've had a second and third chance at true love after their One passed away. I think it comes down to:

(1) where you are as an individual person - maturity, loving yourself, having a handle on whatever baggage you're shlepping through life (and we all have some of that!), and a deep desire to connect and commit - and sometimes that deep desire is long-brewing, but sometimes it overcomes you due to circumstance or finally falling deeply, truly in love, maybe for the first time.

(2) where your partner is as an individual person - ditto to the above

(3) how you mesh as a couple based on complementary (with an "e", which means how your individual uniqueness completes a missing part of the other) traits, shared interests, shared morals/life goals

and finally

(4) your willingness (and your partner's willingness) to Decide to Love. This is my other big big mantra: Love is a Decision, Lust is the emotion. Love is what gets you through the hard times, the unattractive times, the "what where we thinking" times. People who "grow apart" fell out of love because they did not focus on their partnership. They allowed other people, other circumstances, and other goals to come between them. I'm not passing judgment, just calling it as I see it. Do Grandma and Grandpa really have the hots for each other when they see each other every day with wrinkled skin and dentures popped out? No. They love because they understand they're better together than apart, not because of physical attraction.

I've veered off course here. My point is, it sounds like you were ready, at the right point in your life to make a commitment. Your ex, however, clearly was not. His loss will be another man's gain, and like Beachbabe so excellently pointed out, you'll wonder what you'd have done without the new guy in your life.

Someone close to me had a high school BF that she thought she might marry. Circumstances intervened, they broke up, she later regretted and asked him back, he said no, and now they are each very happily married to other people. While my friend recognizes still what a wonderful guy her ex was, she now realizes that they had different life goals, and while they might still have made it work, she now is married to someone a million times better suited to her. I have confidence that she is with the right man now and will have a very successful marriage.

3 weeks is not very long at all to get over someone, especially someone you felt so strongly about. Do not attempt to be friends now; I don't see that working until you are both truly over each other. You are in the worst of the storm at the moment, but the good news is that it will start to get better very soon. Sometimes time is the only healer, but in the meantime, do what you can to distract yourself by reconnecting with other friends, focusing on your family and your future.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Thanks girls! on May 31, 2011 @ 09:25 am

Thanks girls for all your support! I really appreciate it.

I don't know. . . it's still been a bit and I guess I'm a little better? I still miss this guy so much and think about him all the time. I'm keeping myself busy to the point where I'm exhausting myself but there are still times, like when I'm driving, where I can't help but think about him.

I found out he's going on a week trip with his current g/f to an all-inclusive thing. . . that hurts like no end.

I hate that I keep hoping things won't work out and that he'll come back to me but I can't help hoping that.

Sigh. . .this sucks. . .

hang in there! on May 31, 2011 @ 09:56 am

It's still early days yet. It's very normal to still be yearning to get your magic back with this guy. Think about it this way: you were ready to commit and thought he was too, so in a lot of ways you are mourning the death of something special.

You don't want to hear this right now, but Time is a great healer. Even if his relationship fizzles, you don't want to be second choice - you deserve to be the first choice! No one wants to be the runner-up on Miss America.

As much as you want to believe he should have been the one, it sounds to me like he is not. I'm not saying he's a bad guy or a bad catch - just that if he was the right one for you, you would not be in this position right now.

Have faith that there is someone waiting for his big shot at an amazing love story starring you. Right now, all you have to do is work on picking yourself back up. I know it hurts so much to hear of your ex's vacation plans, and I'm so sorry about that.

We are always here to chat! Be strong and know that we're wishing you the very best :) *hugs*

*hugs* on May 31, 2011 @ 04:38 pm

Aww sweetie it hasn't even been a month yet, feeling down after hearing about his plans w/his current gf is very normal!!! Keep doing what you're doing (keeping yourself busy) and keep reminding yourself what he did to you - scum bag! - and as mamaluv said, you will have your own fairy tale love story where you'll be the ONE, not the running up or time-pass. And we're always here for a chat :) That's pretty much what we do best! hehe :) *big hugs*

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