I will tell you the whole story about my question "Is flirting cheating?"


Anonymous
on Aug 22, 2008 @ 11:07 pm

I don't know why but I always find myself looking for evidence that my boyfriend is cheating. I've never been cheated on so it has nothing to do with that. A few things have happened that cause me not to trust him. For instance on one occasion I found his ex's number in his phone. I asked him remove it and he did. Then a few months later I found his ex's number in his phone again but it was under a fake name. His explanation for it was his best friends mom was sick with cancer and his ex had a book on home remedies that he thought would be useful so he called her for it but didnt want me to know he had contacted her. I left him for a while, but then I found out his best friend's mother really does have cancer so I gave him another chance. Then another time he admited that he had seen his ex to give her the mail that was still arriving at his house, she supposedly asked him out for a drink and he said call me later. I asked him why did you say that, you should have said no. He said he just wanted to "diss" her and get back at her for the things she had done to him in the past. He said if she happens to call me tonight I'll give you the phone and you can tell her not to call me anymore. A few months later we were in bed and she texts him at 4am asking about a love song she wanted to know the name of it. I emailed her asking if they were doing anything and if so to let me know and I would leave him and never look back. she said no they were not and that was the only time in a long time she had ever contacted him. Ok so far thats why I dont trust him. So far give your opinions on this story Please..
I had gone on vacation with my family and while I was gone I found out he had talked to someone he worked with and also his ex. With his ex he wrote her an email asking her to remove some phots she had up with him in them. He told me that part before, but lied about one part of it. He told me he wrote her that email and she replied and said she would take them down, but then asked him how he was doing and he said I dont want to talk Im happy with the girl im with. But the real story is she asked him how was he doing and he responded with I'm good just working alot how are you? how are things going? Why would he lie about that? Then I found emails between him and his co-worker. He wrote to her saying what's up I haven't seen you or heard from you in a while. She responded with yea i'm in cali right now. Then she asked about a drawing he was supposed to do for her. He said it's in my car You'll get it when you act like you want it. She responds with I always act like I want it, the drawing that is. He responds with your crazy girl. then she writes him another email the next day saying why are you awake, I bet your up finishing that drawing for me huh? he says no I'll do that tomorrow, what are you gonna do for me? write me a song? She replies with have you ever heard of people doing unconditional things for other people? ;) she even put the wink next to it which made me curious. I called him and told him I read his emails and I was done. He said why and I told him what I found. He said I was over reacting and the only thing he was guilty of was drawing a girl a picture. I also found out she had given him a ride home after work. He eventually apologized and said it was wrong and that he only thought of it as innocent flirting. Ok, now that you know the whole story, what should I do? sorry about making you guys read so much..
 


6 Replies


hunter_jc
Ok. on Aug 22, 2008 @ 11:55 pm

I read your story.
One thing i have to say is that you are not going to be satisfied with any reason he gives for talking to any opposite sex. From your description, he should know that you don't like him flirting or even talk to a woman at all. Doesn't matter if you are being possessive or not. The point is that you don't like it much but he still does it.
Even if he is not cheating on you, he is not respecting your interest.
And that shows how much he actually values you. And is that someone you want to be with for long? (lifetime commitment seems to be happening less).
So my advice is to not stress out over him. Spend more time on yourself. Don't dug yourself any deeper or you would be driving yourself crazy.
Go out more with other people. DON"T LET HIM PULL YOU DOWN.
PS: I like any girls. I am not racist.
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pyto
=S on Aug 23, 2008 @ 02:02 am

That is one looong paragraph.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are experiencing trust issues that you need to sort out. If you can't trust your boyfriend than maybe it's a sign that you may not be ready for a relationship yet.

As for why he wrote his ex's number under a different name it might be caused by seeing you overreacting at her number there the first time. He's probably hiding it in a different name because he doesn't want you to overreact again. Some guys think that hiding stuff from their girlfriends is the best way to avoid bad situations.

And your boyfriend replying "call me later" to the ex doesn't seem to be a big deal. If she has helped him in the past by lending him a book then he can't really say "no" or "go away" because it does sound rude. He probably could've thought of something better to say, but at the moment, the first thing that popped into his head may have been "call me later" which is a very common reply.

I don't mean to offend you, but in my opinion, I think he started flirting with the girl because you seem to be a bit possessive. =/
It sounds like he is really trying hard to earn your trust, maybe not in the correct way by hiding things from you but he is trying. If he really didn't care about your feelings and more about the girl or the ex's then he wouldn't have let you tell his ex not to call him anymore or apologize for what he has done.

If you keep checking his emails and asking his ex and other girls if he's cheating on you and he finds out, it's going to push him further away from you. Would you like your boyfriend going through your emails or asking your ex if you're cheating? It's hurtful when your partner doesn't trust you and you constantly try to earn their trust.

If you really want to be with him you have to put effort into the relationship too. Try trusting him more and letting go of your insecurities. Giving him a second chance doesn't mean that you trust him more, it just means that you're dating again. If he really is cheating on you, you shouldn't constantly have to worry about finding out first, the truth always comes out eventually.
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Ali de Bold
Based on personal experience on Aug 23, 2008 @ 12:38 pm

This is just my two cents based on bad relationships from my younger years but it doesn't sound like this relationship is working for you. Whether he is cheating or not, he is lying for some reason. He could be doing this because he doesn't want to upset you or because he does have something to hide. Either scenario is not good or acceptable. A relationship that is not based on trust isn't much of a relationship at all.

I don't think a person should ever be excused from lying because they didn't want to upset the other person. It is cowardly and counter productive. If he was tired of you questioning him because he is innocent, then he should just tell you or be prepared to walk away.

Obsessing over his emails is not going to solve the problems. If your relationship was in a good place and you both felt secure I doubt you would be having these conversations or going through his emails. And for the record, I don't buy the story about the ex in his phone under a false name because she had a book for his friend's mother. Please.

I don't think you should be fighting such strenuous uphill battles when you are just dating. If it isn't working when you are dating it definitely won't work if/when you are married.

If I was in your shoes I would move on. Not necessarily because he is a bad guy but because it clearly isn't working for you. Every relationship has it's ups and downs but for the most part it should positive and enjoyable. It doesn't sound like you are having much fun.

I was so amazed at what a difference it is being with the right person vs the wrong one. I have so much fun with my husband and when I compare this relationship with past boyfriends they don't hold a candle.
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Miki
Yikes... on Sep 01, 2008 @ 10:02 pm

There is absolutely no excuse for lying. If there's nothing to hide in the first place and he thinks you might get upset, then he/she should just share (innocent) actions with you to begin with, so that you're not surprised or thrown off when you find out in other ways. It's easier for you to be told and for him to help you through your insecurities than it is to find out on your own - the feeling of betrayal only brings the relationship down.In my opinion, emotional cheating is just as bad as physical cheating.If you are really hurting from his actions and he truly loves you (and can do something to fix it), then it shouldn't be a hard decision to make. If he loves you, you shouldn't have to ask him to stop hurting you - it's a no brainer.I can see how it is extremely difficult to trust someone after they had lied previously. Even if the lie is small, a lie is a lie and there's no other good way of saying it. If you cannot learn to trust him or feel confident about your relationship, you should weigh the good and bad and see if this is something you can live with. No one else can tell you how to feel.The truth always comes out.
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AngelSanctuary
I will have to disagree with most of the other replies... on Sep 02, 2008 @ 12:22 pm

If you just stop overreacting and being all jealous maybe he doesn't have to lie. You can't just tell him to stop interacting with his exes. You may think it is unneccessary since they broke up and whatnot but in the end they did have a relationship, they were once an important part of his life and he can't just ifnore that. The world is full of women anyways, so one of these days he might actually have to interact with one of them (gasp!).Anyways, if he tells you the truth you will still freak out but by lying there's a chance you will never find out and it'll be fine. Don't even dare try to tell me you never told what you considered to be a white lie to him!
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allychick_ling
My advice on Sep 21, 2008 @ 09:20 pm

Dump the *bleep**bleep**bleep* already...
Simple and easy as that.  The only thing I'm hearing loud and clear is that he's just not that into you.  BTW, I love that book.
Don't waste your precious time obsessing over this.  

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