If your Husband...

on Nov 17, 2010 @ 10:28 am

or significant other was exchanging messages on Facebook several times a day with a (female) co-worker, would you be fine with it?

45 Replies

Depends... on Nov 17, 2010 @ 10:50 am

Depends what they're talking about, if she's single, how much they share, and your relationship with him...

Maybe they're just great friends.. if you smother him he might get upset, but at the same time, keep an eye out on what they talk about... if it's just interests and stuff I think it's ok..but once it gets to feelings, then that's a little more dangerous.

Also, how is your relationship with him? does he seem to have become more distant since they started chatting? or does he still tell you everything and treat you like his best friend?

Try not to jump into conclusions :)

Ali de Bold
Honestly no on Nov 17, 2010 @ 11:02 am

I think it's great to have a balance of male and female friends, but when you are married or in a serious relationship you can't interact to the same degree as you would if single. A few Facebook messages back and forth are no big deal but if it's every day I would wonder why he is investing so much effort in that relationship.

It could be completely harmless but I think it's really important both you and your husband (or sig other) go out of your way to protect your relationship even if it may seem over the top to others.

My Grandfather who recently passed away always said he made it a practice never to hire attractive women at his companies. This may sound extreme, but he did this to protect his relationship with my Grandmother who he was married to for 53 years and held hands with until the day he died. He knew that hiring women he was attracted to would be setting himself up for potential problems and he wasn't willing to take that risk.

I'm sure many people will disagree with me, but the relationship between husband and wife should be #1 and both parties should take extra steps to protect it.

Well on Nov 17, 2010 @ 11:02 am

We've never had any "sharing" issues and he does tell me what they talk about every once in a while. I've never been a jealous type but for some reason since they started talking (which has only been going on for about a week or so) I find myself wanting to snoop around a lot.

I make sure not to even sit next to him when he's answering her messages because I do want to let him have some privacy. I understand that if it was me talking to someone else, even if it was just one of my girl friends, I wouldn't want him looking over my shoulder.

He leaves his Facebook account open so I did give in and look at the messages and noticed that he didn't tell me everything they talked about... Wasn't really anything big but she does talk to him about a lot of stuff, like her past for example. She is single and has a one year old kid.

He tends to sit by his computer and check his page every 5 minutes to see if she's responded and sometimes when I ask him what she said he'll just say "nothing". He even mentioned that he thought she was going to invite him to go to the movies and I'm not sure I'd be ok with that.

He talks about her a lot, but he says that the only reason he does is because she is the only other person he talks to besides me. Which is true, he's had many issues with guy friends in the past so now he really doesn't have any friends at all. I even told him that maybe he should be friends with girls thinking I really wouldn't be jealous, but now I don't know why I am. She's pretty and he says she's a lot like him, maybe that's why.

Sorry for the long response, I haven't had anyone outside the relationship to discuss this with ><

Be Honest on Nov 17, 2010 @ 11:19 am

I think you should definitely let him know how you feel. He might get frustrated, saying something like "You said it was okay for me to have female friends" or "but you KNOW i have trouble making guy friend"... but hopefully he's considerate and will understand how you feel... if he's being super defensive I think there may be a bit of something going on... But he's your husband, and he should know how you feel about this.

I think on Nov 17, 2010 @ 11:32 am

I think he already knows that I'm a bit jealous, he's not really the type of guy that would get mad about it. I don't want to deprive him from a good, harmless friendship (if it stays that way) just because I feel slightly threated by her. But I do agree that the whole physical attraction issue might be inevitable and I would want to stop it before it gets to that. Ali, your Grandfather sounds like he was very wise and I wish more people cared about their relationships that much!

One thing that upsets me though is that I am fairly sure that he would NOT, under any circumstances be fine with me talking to a guy as much as he talks to her. His excuse is that he knows how guys think, and that actually got ME thinking, if he knows how guys think, then maybe he's thinking that way about her? I don't know how they act together at work and ever since they started talking more he's been getting home later that usual. I don't know if I'm just paranoid and maybe I am just jumping into conclusions. I guess I'll have to wait and see how far it goes =/


Ali de Bold
This needs to be cut off on Nov 17, 2010 @ 11:59 am

She's the pretty single Mom, he's the nice guy. She's probably loving the attention she's getting from him and it probably makes him feel good to be nice to her because she's this nice single Mom. The two of them going alone to the movies is a terrible idea by the way. That is a date.

I think you and your husband need to have a sit down talk where you calmly explain to him that you aren't comfortable with that relationship. The constant Facebook messages and date plans are crossing the line.

Again, I'm sure your husband means no harm in any way. He probably wouldn't dream of hurting you, but he is opening up the possibilities for infidelity whether he realizes it or not.

A really good friend of mine's husband started spending a lot of time with a nice single mom. It was innocent enough at first, meeting at playgroup with their kids but now it is a full blown relationship and my friend and he are getting a divorce.

Most affairs don't just happen spontaneously, it happens over time. Two people slowly develop a bond and before you know it they fall in love.

This is why it's so important to have boundaries in your relationship.

I agree on Nov 18, 2010 @ 12:07 am

I agree with both points of view. I would love to put a stop to the relationship but apparently that's not going to happen.

I had a talk with him earlier because I got quite a bit upset when he told me that she asked him to sit in his car with him because she didn't feel good. He assured me there was nothing to worry about and after that we had a great day together. But as soon as we get home he gets on Facebook and she had sent him 3 pretty long messages. In one of her earlier messages she had asked if they talked too much because she didn't want to be disrespectful. She mentioned a couple of her co-workers had approached her about her talking to him. He asked her what they said and she wouldn't say I guess for the sake of not letting things get awkward, but I would imagine the obvious, "you know he's married" and "do you like him?" I pretty much flipped after that, why does she need to sit in his car and send him so many messages? He still insists that this is harmless and that he would never leave me blah, blah, blah. But now he has just gotten to the point where he's actually upset at ME.

I honestly can't help feeling so jealous. It keeps me up at night and leaves me wandering around hopelessly thinking about it. Am I really being that over dramatic?

Ok... on Nov 18, 2010 @ 12:13 am

So I just read one of their messages and she listed what she wants in a guy.... Which is EXACTLY what he is. Maybe that's why he didn't tell me what she said. She also mentioned how she can't find any men that are anything like that.

Your radar is spot-on on Nov 18, 2010 @ 05:51 am

Let's give your hubby the benefit of the doubt by a truckload. And still then, this is a no-go.

Even if his intentions are 150% honest, even if he is not remotely attracted to her, and even if he feels like he needs to be a friend to someone who's hurting - and that's a beautiful human response - as Shakespeare said, "there is something rotten in the state of Denmark".

You, the Wife, are uncomfortable. Full stop. This other girl may not be actively pursuing your hubby, but there is a very fine line for single girls and their married male friends which she is not respecting. As Ali says above, it always starts safe and slow.

It's just not a relationship that can continue in this way. If you feel up to it, you might strike up a friendship with this girl yourself and you can hang as a threesome (while not so secretly trying to set her up with one of your single male friends). The one-on-one with your husband though must end because you, The Wife, are not comfortable.

Girlfriend, this is one case where you can pull rank even if "nothing's happened". He can go ahead and feel upset. As you said, if the tables were turned, he'd react the same - and that is what you need to remind him of.

Good luck :)

Ironic on Nov 18, 2010 @ 07:22 am

It's funny how she asked if she was being disrespectful, which means she knows she really is. She's just asking him that to reassure herself that what she's doing is actually okay.

I agree with what mamaluv said... maybe even try and make friends with her so she can get help from a girlfriend instead of pushing all these emotions into a guy (which really is a way of getting attention...) Maybe go to the movies with them? She should be a-ok with it if really nothing's going on. If she really just considers him a friend and respects him, she should respect you too, and have no problem making friends with you. And if you're kind to her regardless of what's happened and hit it off, then maybe she might even feel guilty about what was going on... Merciful love and kindness makes people feel guilty and uncomfortable sometimes :P (so you can get your way! heh heh heh. kidding!)

Do you think something like that would be possible? both as something you'd be able to do, and something your husband would let you do...?

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