Ignorant teens


Chikita10101
on Apr 25, 2016 @ 09:59 am

My fiance  has a 15-year-old son from a previous relationship. Three weeks ago, he really disrespected me. He told me he wishes he was blind so he could be as cool as me.   I couldn't believe he would even say that. It was so rude. I am partially blind and it hurts me every day to think that one day I probably will go blind.   I have a conversation with my fiancé this weekend   And I told him how uncomfortable I was around his son and the fact that my fiancé is always gone and he leaves his son home with me. .  He told me he understood but five minutes later he leaves the house, leaving his son home here with me.   His son lives and disrespects me and I am getting fed up  .  Anybody else going through something similar like this? Any advice   I can't even bring myself to be the bigger person to forgive and forget and start talking to him again. I just can't do it.   It's not that I can't do it, I just don't want to do it. I don't like his son and I feel like a horrible person for feeling like this. He is only 15 but there should be no excuse for disrespecting an adult who has a disability 
 

17 Replies


coultlee
. on Apr 25, 2016 @ 10:22 am

This is a horrible situation! No one deserves to be treated like this. His son more than likely is a spoiled brat and should be disciplined for this. I would think twice about marriage to this man if he doesn't do anything about this situation. It just isn't fair....
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KrissiC
. on Apr 25, 2016 @ 10:29 am

That's awful. Your fiancé should speak with him. But, I would sit the kid down and ask why do you say this stuff? Let him know how you feel. Tell him you love him and need him to be mature and respectful and work as a team with you. Try not to react too much to him since he's likely gaining satisfaction from a reaction. I hope you can get through to him and that your fiancé gets onboard.
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Chikita10101
Hi on Apr 25, 2016 @ 10:39 am

This is been an ongoing issue since I met him six years ago. He is just a bold little brat. He disrespects his father as well. He had a talk with him this weekend and told him if he keeps disrespecting us he is not coming over anymore. It is just in one ear out the other. The kid has ADHD I don't think it is a good excuse but that is why it is in one ear out the other. He has done so many things I could write a novel. That is why I can't bring myself to like him or want to be around him. I can't forgive all the things he has done and I can't forget them. One horrible thing he has done is when my three-year-old was around one, we lived in an upstairs apartment. He left the door open and I found my little girl out where the stairs are. There was about 15 stairs. I could have lost her and it was a miracle that I had that feeling that something was wrong and I am partially blind so I have no clue how I just knew something was wrong. I was so beside myself. I cried for hours afterwards I just held her and hug her and cried. My fiancé scolded him and took him home right away to his mother. I couldn't even be near him for so long afterwards. I know this happened two years ago but when I think about it, it kills me. I love my fiancé but it is so hard to like his son. I just can't do it. He knows how I feel.
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KrissiC
. on Apr 25, 2016 @ 03:18 pm

That's an awful situation for you. If I had a child like that, I would absolutely take them to a child psychologist(or someone who deals with kids that have behavioral issues). They could shed some light on this and help him and you/your fiancé/the boy's mother learn effective strategies for dealing with this behavior, setting limits and punishments and help him learn more effective ways of dealing with his emotions, etc.
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Chikita10101
Yea on Apr 25, 2016 @ 05:19 pm

He lives with his mom and she dosent seem to care. She probably likes that he is like the way he acts when he comes here. It is a really crappy situation for me. I try to talk to my fiancé how I feel but it is a sensitive subject for him. It must hurt him knowing I don't like his son.
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KrissiC
, on Apr 25, 2016 @ 06:02 pm

Hmm. If you can, try to tolerate this boy and treat him with love, even if it is hard. I once had to care for a similar child for a few years and I adopted the 'kill 'em with kindness' approach. Eventually she warmed up to me and things got a bit easier. I'd tell hubby you care about his sons well being and also his emotional and mental health and that you really feel that this boy would benefit from some professional behavioral help. Don't approach it with exasperation or anger but concern. And be sure to point out that he know he's a good parent and all that BUT this kid could use help with his ADHD and this will benefit him well into his adult years to learn correct ways of controlling his temper/words/impulsive behavior. Is he like this at school too?
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Chikita10101
Wish on Apr 25, 2016 @ 08:23 pm

I wish I could do that. I really do. Like I said before, I just can't seem to bring myself to be the bigger person, the adult in the situation. There has just been way too much that has happened. Six years of putting up with him every weekend, summertime, holidays and such. It is just a lot. All the lies and disrespect towards me and his father. His father gets so stressed out every weekend because of his behaviour that it seems like it trickles down and he has no patience or tolerance for me whatsoever. Ugh, I dread when Friday's come around and I know he is coming. He is even rude to my 16-year-old daughter Who he also makes fun of because she is openly gay. It hurts her but she tells me that she just gets over it but I know it hurts her deep inside. My fiancé has tried talking to him but it continues. I feel bad in so many ways. My poor stressed fiancé, ny daughter, myself and I even feel bad for his son because nobody wants to be around him because his behaviour has been so bad over the years.
Thanks for everybody who is listening. I really appreciate it. I don't really have anyone to really talk to about this. This forum and you girls are the best :)
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prettyrainbow
. on Apr 26, 2016 @ 01:03 am

Apart from the ADHD, he does seem to exhibit other behavioural issues. He is clearly defiant and he doesn't seem to have the support needed to help him learn how to control impulses and be respectful towards you and your family. KrissiC is right. You need to book an appointment with a psychologist ASAP. I'm a specialist for disabled/special needs children and I can tell you that the longer you wait, the worse it will become. The only catch is that the boy's mom also needs to be on board with this. If need be, speak to his teachers and try to get them involved. Along with the school's psychologist, they can help you by regrouping you all together and suggesting strategies that will work specifically for your family dynamics.

Something else came to mind while reading your description and it opens up some of the possible underlying causes to all of this. Having to move back and forth between his parents can be a big influence in the defiant behaviour. It could be his way of trying to protect himself or retaliate against you for being the "dividing factor" in his world. Another concern is that you mentioned that his mom does nothing to stop him. If she is badmouthing you in his presence, she is definitely encouraging his bad behaviour. Behaviours can be intrinsic, like his ADHD, but they are also learned. He might think it's okay to do as she does and he needs to learn that it's wrong. He clearly needs consequences, but I would discuss your situation with the psychologist first before trying to enforce any rules upon him that could backfire on you.

Then, apart from everything else, you also have the fact that he's a teenager and is very self-centered at this stage in his life. He relies on his peers to feel cool and accomplished. Take a look at who he's hanging out with and what kind of influence they have on him. They could be rubbing off on him, again, learning his behavior from them.

Your husband and his ex need to be the ones to make the final decision in regards to getting him the help he needs. However, be supportive and don't give up. If he speaks to you like that again, don't react the way he's expecting you would (ex: yelling, shock, etc...). Act cool and collected but be firm in explaining that you won't tolerate the behaviour anymore. Then follow through with some action. In this case, speaking to his teachers and booking that much needed appointment with the psychologist. You don't have to go through this alone anymore. Get the help you all need.

P.S. - A good lesson after the "blind" comment he made would be to take him to a center that deals with helping/treating the blind and have him learn what it really takes to live with such a disability. Tell him you'll show him how cool it is that there are people in this world who are willing to devote their lives to this cause.



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Chikita10101
Hi on Apr 26, 2016 @ 04:30 am

Rainbow, you make a lot of great points and I have told my fiancé his son needs help. It's really out of my hands at this point. I'm not talking to his son right now when he comes here. I know I sound immature but I'm sensitive to people making fun of my blindness. I have had many talks with my fiancé and its up to the mom to take those steps. I just don't want this to continue because it is affecting me, my daughter, and my relationship. Thanks for the advice and listening. I appreciate it.
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prettyrainbow
. on Apr 26, 2016 @ 12:13 pm

If you're going to get him psychological help, I suggest you do it soon. The wait list to see a school psychologist is pretty long. You can go the private route if you'd like, but it's obviously more expensive. I would also suggest asking the psychologist to test for any learning disabilities, as it is often an underlying cause for behaviour issues. Another point to keep in mind is that people who have ADHD are almost 50% more likely to also have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), especially if they have the impulsive trait. You can bring this up at you meeting as well, to see if it can also be tested. Is his ADHD being treated yet? I'm not one to quickly suggest medication, because there are other alternatives, however, his case may require this if it's getting out of control. The ADHD needs to be treated before you can tackle anything else because the impulsivity is what is most possible making him behave this way.

I know it's hard for you to communicate with him right now but by refusing to speak to him, is like giving more power to his disrespectful behaviour. This is the same concept as bullying. It's exactly what he wants from you right now - to see that he can bring you down emotionally. Like I mentioned earlier, you need to react the opposite way he's expecting you would. Show him how cool you actually are because of your compassion towards him and your children and all of the other things you're good at. Include him in hobbies, or other family events. Use this situation as a learning opportunity to speak to him about your disability and what he can do to help you and other people who have been afflicted.

At this time in his life, he needs authority figures who will show him right from wrong. This requires lots of work from his parents and that includes you. You need to sit down with your husband and have a serious conversation in terms of what he is allowed or not allowed to do, as well as the consequences for those actions. Then, you need to make it clear to him as well. If you need to make him sign a contract, then so be it. He needs to be held accountable for his actions and know the consequences he will have to face if he messes up. The most important thing to remember is that you need to be consistent with the plan, otherwise you'll lose all credibility and he'll just go back to his old ways.

What I always tell parents who have children with behaviour problems, is that they need lots and lots of love and patience. Please don't give up on him. I've seen some of the most severe cases turn their lives around because they had constant encouragement towards the right direction. Be understanding of his needs and that it is possible that he will falter. Be ready and equipped with strategies for those moments. Praise him when you catch him doing something good. Tell him how proud you are of him for doing that and how mature of an action it was. Mean what you say and be enthusiastic about it. Use "I" sentences when addressing his bad, even good behaviour, don't ever start the conversation with "You". For instance, "When I'm told ------ I feel --------- because --------." This way, he won't feel threatened or attacked, which is bait for him rebelling against you.

I wish you the best of luck with this and feel free to come back and ask for help if you need to.


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