I'm devastated after a break-up with the only man I ever loved. Please help me :o(


AngelaNY
on Jun 02, 2011 @ 06:30 pm

I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. I am 29 years old now. The break-up happened 3 weeks ago. We ended our relationship after a terrible fight. He has an alcohol addiction problem and after begging him to stop drinking and trying so hard to help him for 2 years, I finally realized he'll never change. If he wanted to, he'd have done it long ago. After the fight, it also turned out - or it seems - he never really loved me, but only made me believe and told that he loved me. Actions, however, speak louder than words, and in the end, his actions proved he didn't love me. It came as a shock to me because I believed with my entire heart that I could help him  by being there for him every day and loving him with all of my heart. I did so much for him because I truly saw an amazing man underneath the alcohol problem. I was willing to sacrifice myself for our love. But alcohol won in the end, and I didn't matter. I am so heartbroken because - all in all - I was so happy with him. I never knew I could be this happy in my life until I met him. I actually didn't know what happiness was until I met him. I believed with my entire heart that he WAS the one, and wanted to marry him and have children with him. Now, I feel so alone, betrayed, and abandoned. I don't know what to do with my life :o( Yes, I know, that there are "7 billion" other people in this world ... but to me, there is only one man I ever truly loved - and that was my ex boyfriend of 2.5 years. My life and happiness ended together with this relationship. I know we have no future together, so I cannot go back to him, yet I love him so much and long for him every second of every day. Minutes seem like hours, hours seem like days, and days seem like months. I cannot concentrate at work. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I am devastated. How do I get over this? How long will it take? Where will I find another man I will love again so much? Will I ever find love again? It seems I will never love anyone ever again, I don't want to. It was very hard to find him, and when I have finally found him and found such incredible happiness, it was taken away from me by his alcohol addiction. Why did I fall in love with an alcoholic? If there is a God, why did He bring my ex boyfriend into my life, made me love him so much, showed me such happiness ... just to take him away in the end? What was the purpose of this? My life is destroyed. Please help me, please :o( I cannot describe the pain I am feeling. Cannot describe :o( I'm feeling suicidal as a matter of fact. I am going out with friends and occupying myself with all that I can, but it's all in vain. At the end of the day, I come crashing down, crying myself to sleep, wanting to die, for I see no life for myself without him, and yet I KNOW we have no future together. PLEASE tell me what to do? Thank you for whoever reads this and replies.
 

29 Replies


jskim07
LIft your head up!:) on Jun 03, 2011 @ 10:29 am

I have had friends in similar situations as yourself.
Two of my friends have boyfriends who were suffering intense depression. They tried to help him cope, and was always told "you're the only one that keeps me going". But they didn't realize that their respected man was shoving them down the same road.
Both have broken up with said boyfriends, and while one never regretted it, and is living life to the fullest, and feels like a changed person, the other is suffering even more without him and is using other men to fill up her life.

I can only say that you only need one friend who'll be there right by your side constantly, and all the time to listen to everything you say. I think this is a great first step by vocalizing what you have experienced!

It's always hard when you have a suffering significant other. But clearly, this is God's way of asking you to help those in need. It means that you are strong enough that you can help others, and even though you do get hurt during the process, you'll come out so much stronger than those who haven't experienced what you have.

It shows that you are caring person, and that you are always willing to help anyone around you. This is a good thing! My girl friend who went through the same experience wondered the same question, why God made her so eager to help at her own expense. However, she didn't realize all the good things happening in her life. If there isn't anything going on for you right now, it just means that time is making it's way there, and there will be a good opportunity...Only once you are ready for it, and ready to accept it.

(This was all so cheesy, I realize. But everything I said is entirely true!)
I think the best thing to do right now is to realize that there are many good things in your life. You aren't the one who fell into the alcoholic path, you DID help him as much as you could, and you have many friends who love you!
Also, you have the support of us! :)
I hope I helped you! and feel better!
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mamaluv
hugs from afar on Jun 03, 2011 @ 11:08 am

Angelany, my heart breaks for you. You made the 200% right decision, but that doesn't make the day-to-day reality any easier to bear as you so rightly pointed out.

He is ill. Alcoholism is an illness, one that even if he gets himself sober, he will always live with. And while that often tempts people to stay in the relationship because he/she is ill, this is a highly volatile situation that you shouldn't confuse with, say, cancer. Totally different thing. You have stuck by him for so long, and I give you so much credit for that. It's too easy to cut and run when the going gets tough, and that's why we have the divorce rate we suffer from today (I'm now speaking from general "going gets tough" situations, not alcohol-related specifically). However, how fortunate for you that you finally put your foot down before you were married and had children with him! How much more difficult that would have been to leave! So I give you credit for trying to stay, but I give you a ton more credit for the bravery to leave before your decision became infinitely more complicated.

I hope you have the clarity to realize that 3 weeks is a very very short time to start healing from a long term relationship. You must not beat yourself up for hurting, for yearning, for wishing. It's early days yet, and I do promise that eventually it will get better. As jskim07 pointed out, you can do that in a healthy way or you can dive into self-destruction, but you said a lot of smart things in your post that gives me confidence you have a good head on your shoulders.

Obviously, there is no magic formula for getting over a love. We've chatted in this forum here, here and here (and many more), and there are lots of good suggestions in each. Just hang in there and keep talking to friends, family, and people who support you - like us here on ChickAdvisor!

Please don't do any harm to yourself. You are a lovely, worthy, and smart woman who has so much to offer. One day, some deserving guy will thank his lucky stars you weren't taken when you bumped into him at the Starbucks!

*hugs*
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Sydney06
My heart goes out to you on Jun 03, 2011 @ 11:26 am

I have personally never experienced a heartbreak like that but my best friend did. She dated a guy for about the same amount of time that you had and when they broke up, she was devastated. He did not treat her right so she knew that it was the right thing to do but she was not able to get over him. Sometimes it's not even about missing the person but of the conversations and the thoughts of a future together that makes the recovery process so difficult. A couple of months passed (half a year to be exact) and my friend was still extremely depressed. All she thought about was going to see him and would creep his FB only to see him starting to talk to other people. She laid around and didn't do much. She had no more energy and was always crying. In the end, she went to the doctor for counseling and her doctor confirmed that she was experiencing depressing over a traumatic experience. She started medication and even though that is really drastic for many people, that was what she needed in order to recover.

I'm not saying that you will be depressed and need to take medication, but that there are many people out there who are in the same shoes as you if not worse. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know it hurts a lot especially since he is your first love (every love hurts), but you need to give it time. It's been only 3 weeks and I know that even though that might felt like forever to you, it is not long enough to get over someone. Let your heart slowly heal. It is a normal process and one day you will learn to love someone even better. Everything happens for a reason so just take this as it wasn't meant to be.
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AngelaNY
Thanks on Jun 03, 2011 @ 01:57 pm

Jskim07, thank you for your response. I really hope the suffering will go away (although right now it seems that it never will, and I don't believe it ever will, as of my current state of being) and I hope that I will not end up as your other friend, suffering even more and getting involved in empty loveless relationships just to forget about the one she loved. That's what I am actually very concerned about and very afraid of. Because you cannot fall in love with anyone by force. It comes by surprise, unexpectedly. You just meet this person, and it just happens, out of the blue. So if I won't meet that man for a long time, whom I can truly love again and be happy with, I will be pretty much stuck with my painful memories of my ex boyfriend, and in result - I will be more depressed. I pray to God He brings happiness and love my way very soon, because I cannot go on in this pain much longer. It will not end very well for me. I never had any psychological problems in my life and never took any medications for any psychological conditions, and I would never want to be be forced by life to do this :o(
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AngelaNY
Thank you too on Jun 03, 2011 @ 02:02 pm

Mamaluv, thank you too. I really hope this "next" love will come soon, because - as I've mentioned above - I cannot go on in this depressed state much longer. It is draining the life out of me. It is destroying the happy and life-loving person I was. I cannot recognize myself. Never knew I could get this bad in my life over anything. I feel as if my closest family member died. I lost 15 lbs over 3 weeks. If I didn't love and care about my family, I'd possibly harm myself - that's the only thing I feel like doing right now. But I know I cannot do this to my family and friends, therefore I cannot hurt myself. They're the only reason. But that still doesn't make me hurt and miss him any less, unfortunately. So it's an on-going battle within myself right now. How ridiculous, isn't it?
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AngelaNY
And thank you on Jun 03, 2011 @ 02:05 pm

Sydney06, and thank you also. As I've said above, I can only hope I will not end up having to go to a doctor. I cannot believe love can hurt as much as to make people seek medical help. This is unbelievable.
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AngelaNY
Any hope for a better tomorrow, ever again? on Jun 03, 2011 @ 02:20 pm

Just one more thought: It feels as if I lost faith in happiness, and especially in finding true love ever again. I feel so betrayed and abandoned, that it seems there is nothing more that is good in store for me in this life. I was given this precious beautiful thing, and it was taken away from me so abruptly, so ruthlessly. Makes me wonder about the meaning of life, the purpose of life in general. You can have all the material goods and all the money you ever wished for, but you're so poor without true love and friendship. Not that our relationship had anything to do with materialism and money, it's just that this is what you realize after losing great love. I know my ex boyfriend has a (possibly) irreversible problem - as I hear most alcoholics are alcoholics for life - so I certainly have no future with him (although I've never loved anyone in my life as much as I STILL LOVE him). But it's the terrible feeling of betrayal and a fact that something this precious was given and then taken away from me. As if I did something terrible in my life to deserve to suffer this much now. And I've never hurt anyone or have done any wrongs to anyone. Then why do I have to suffer like this now? For what? Excruciating :o(
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TammyK
Please don't feel like that :( on Jun 03, 2011 @ 02:59 pm

I think in a way, you kind of feel like you're not special to him because if he loved you, he would be able to quit for you and try harder. You did not deserve this but look at it this way, maybe if you weren't around for him he would have been more addicted and worse off. You being with him may have slowed down his addiction and you were a blessing to him even though you ended up hurting. Remember that this is not really who he is. I'm sure you fell in love with a great guy but he is sick and it's scary what addictions can do to people. There was nothing you can do and he would have dragged you down if you didn't make the right decision to leave him. It hurts a lot, I know, but you have to endure it so you can come out stronger. Maybe he'll finally have the strength to quit one day but for now, you need to take care of yourself. We are very capable of loving more than 1 person so when the time is right, you'll stop hurting and you'll find love again and be really really happy.
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Lotus Flower
The rainbow is coming on Jun 06, 2011 @ 03:53 am

angel any....my heart goes out to you...receive my hugs all the way from Africa :)
my dear..i have been there..my ex was an alcoholic and to make it was he was very abusive emotionally and verbally. when he finally left me( because everything that went wrong in his life was my fault). i was extremely devastated. someone mentioned its more of the pain of loosing a future together. indeed that is very true. i was meant to get married to this man. but you what God had a bigger plan for me. i was so so so sad that i wasn't eating. i lost so much weight that i looked like a boy since i have short hair!!!. my mum was beyond worried and i knew she was praying for me. i used to wake up with a dull ache in my chest. i had lost the will to life. i really loved that man and the realization that he never loved me was a hard one to face.
but my dear angel any...do u know what happened?? my true friends never gave up on me...they constantly drummed it into my head THAT ITS NOT MY FAULT!!! u cant fight a battle with alcohol. that's a fight he can only handle if he really wants to...in the end i pieced my life back together. i went to school.began reading more novels, hang out with my friends and mum. surround yourself with positive people.

the funny thing is..i was convinced that i would never love again....ever!! that he was the one for me. true enough i loved him...but everything happens for a reason..that's how God works...u cant rush him....u can only trust that there is something better out there..

can i tell u a secret.....i am in love with a wonderful man now....and like mama luv said...i met him in a place i least expected....my heart is content and at peace..

and in time so will yours

love and hugs
xoxo
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Ali de Bold
One day all of this will be behind you on Jun 06, 2011 @ 08:47 am

First of all, please don't even allow yourself to think suicidal thoughts. You are worth so much more than this relationship - than any relationship. You are hurting and it's natural to feel depressed and full of despair. Still, you need to tell someone close to you that you are feeling this way so they can help you. Those are very serious thoughts and your life is so valuable.

If you thought you were happy with this man (who is an alcoholic), imagine how happy you would be with someone who wasn't and who really had his stuff together. Instead of you playing the role of savior, you could be in an equally loving relationship, enjoying life together, exploring shared interests, working towards common goals.

I dated an alcoholic for a short time years ago and it was not fun. High highs, low lows and waaay too much drama. I didn't realize he had a drinking problem until we'd been together for long enough for me to develop feelings and then of course I thought I could save him. In hindsight, it was the worst relationship I ever had. I would never put myself through that again. Even if he is the most amazing person in every other way, your life together would always cause you heartache.

Instead of romanticizing the good times together can you remind yourself of what it was like when he was drunk? Remember how that made you feel in those moments. The helplessness and frustration. The feeling that while other women could look up to the men in their lives, you had to constantly work to save yours. Then imagine what a terrible father he would be if there were kids in the situation. You have to think that way if you ever want to have kids. Children deserve a stable and happy loving home.

Now think about how he is making you feel right now. Like he never loved you in the first place. What a high quality man!

You don't need any of that. Someone will love you and treat you right and you won't need to be their therapist or one person rehab clinic.

For now, take care of yourself. Do things that make you feel better about life. Spend time with your friends and family. Surround yourself with positive.

One day you will look back at this relationship and thank God you are no longer in it. Please trust me on that.

XOXO
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