im into him and he's not ready


lilmissme_101
on Nov 02, 2009 @ 12:09 pm

ok so theres this guy im into.. actually im falling hard for him, but he just got out of a relationship about 4 months ago.. his first love she cheated on him, she broke his heart.. now he doesn't want a relationship with anyone, which sucks for me.. i've tried to show him im nothing like his ex, i wouldn't treat him badly like she did, i wouldn't get him to baby sit for me while i went to the bar and i would never cheat on him, but still nothing is working.. He knows how i feel for him but i don't fully know how he feels for me, said he just can't bring himself to put in the effort for another relationship. i told him i will step aside and leave him be that i just needed him to tell me that there is no chance of us hooking up but he said he couldn't tell me that because he didn't know the answer to it.. well i met him Aug 1st 2009 and we do chill often together we have alot of fun.. we sleep with each other he's the only one i've been with since i met him, and im under the assumption im the only one he's been with.. and yes i truely do believe that cause i would hear otherwise if he's been with someone else.. plus hes not that type of guy.. anyways its seems when hes drunk he says one thing like im everything he would look for in a girl, im amazing, im fun.. but when he's sobber i get less attention.. its more like we're friends just hanging out.. i don't know what to do and i don't know how to turn my feelings off.. do i just give up? or do i sit and wait until he's ready and hope he mans up and realizes what he's got right in front of him.. ? i have no interest in anyone else, i can't even seem to allow myself to have them feelings, this guy, he's everything i've been in seek of.. how do i just give it up with out knowing what the outcome could possibly be?? please help me...
 

14 Replies


Patricia
Sounds so familiar!!! on Nov 02, 2009 @ 03:00 pm

I am in this EXACT SAME situation!!! Well, almost.... he was hurt before and doesn't trust himself to start something again... doesn't want to get hurt... blah blah blah.... we've ALL been hurt!!! I've been hurt! I'm willing to put myself out there! I don't want to miss out on something that could be really great because I'm afraid of getting hurt! The odds are I will get hurt... *sigh* Ok, now i'm just venting.

We've been seeing eachother exclusively (as far as i know) for more than 4 months now. I get different advice from different people. Everything from "ditch him and see other people" to "give him some more time".

I don't know what to do! I care about him. He knows I do. But, like lilmissme_101, I am not entirely sure what his feelings are for me.

I am very interested in what advice people have for lilmissme_101. Sorry, I couldn't be more help!

Hang in there!
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lilmissme_101
i feel for ya on Nov 02, 2009 @ 03:14 pm

i know i've been hurt plenty of times too. its never a safe game to play, but why not try it and see, u might just get lucky right..?? The thing is he tells me he trusts me and he knows i would never cheat on him or treat him like shit.. but still nothing.. either im doing something wrong or i need a knew tactic.. lol.. i've also been told to get out, i've been told to give him time but don't give up... told its usually better if u fight for what you want.. or leave and make him see what he had.. and hope he comes back to u once ur gone.. problem is im afraid to let him go and not get him back.. its a hugh pain in the ass really.. but yet.. here i am still holding on to hope..
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mamaluv
tough love on Nov 02, 2009 @ 04:12 pm

Here's the thing: he doesn't want to buy the cow but is getting the milk for free. I'm not saying he's a scumbag, but there is a huge imbalance here.

From the side, it seems you have a classic 'friends with benefits' arrangement, though no one bothered to tell you this. There are some red flags here:

1. "when he's drunk he says I'm everything he's ever wanted, when he's sober it's like we're just friends..."

2. "I'm afraid to let him go and not get him back..."

He's recently out of a big relationship, and he's been clear that he's not sure he's ready for another one. I give him slack for that. However, he should not be sleeping with you. He is sending you completely mixed messages.

You deserve better. That is the bottom line here. If he hasn't already realized what he has right in front of him, he won't anytime soon until you change things. And your first gamechanger should be to stop being his booty call. The second gamechanger is to not be available. Ignore him completely for a solid week. Don't take his calls or return emails. Then, ignore him for one more week, just for good measure. Make time with your single girlfriends or your family. Remember who you are and what is important to your happiness.

At the end of two weeks, he will either be long gone or desperate for your attention. If he's still around, have a platonic sit down with him over lunch (no late nights on the couch, because you know where that will lead!) and tell him in no uncertain terms what you need from your friendship and/or romantic relationship.

If you are afraid to let him go because he won't come back, then the harsh truth is that he's not right for you. Drop him like a hot potato and start focusing on what's needed to make you happy, not him.
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Ali de Bold
Preach, Girl! on Nov 02, 2009 @ 10:57 pm

I totally agree with Mamaluv.

It's not about him being a good guy or a bad guy. It is about you being hurt because the relationship is one sided.

If he's not ready to be in a relationship, give him space. Don't sleep with him, don't rush over to see him when he calls and definitely don't pressure him with questions about if the two of you will ever be together.

He needs space so you should give it to him.
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lilmissme_101
Thanks.. on Nov 02, 2009 @ 11:26 pm

i've been sitting here fighting with just exactly what you girls are saying.. im not a dumb girl, and i know i shouldn't keep myself in this situation.. i was actually thinking i need to take a huge step back and stop seeing him for a little while, to ease myself away.. I know i can't force him into anything, and i don't really talk to him much about where things are because it is unfair of me to put him in that spot.. i know he don't want a relationship, and i can see nothing is advancing in the direction i want it too, which really does suck for me.. Now i just need to focus on forcing myself to do this and see what happeneds.. however sometimes its easier said then done when the heart is concerned. I know its a win lose situation on my part no matter what i do the out come with be one or the other.. and there is nothing i can really do about it... of course the friends with benifits thing does work in my advantage as well cause im gettin laid too.. lol.. and by someone i actually want... might sound sleesy on my part but im not the type of person to sleep with just anyone, like i said he's the only one i've been with and if i don't have him there for my needs then im out of luck until i meet someone else.. but then i sit here and hope for something that may or may not come. so im still stuck.. I think for the moment i need to try and put my feelings aside some how cause then maybe i could actually allow myself to move on or something.. its hard tho.. im confused i really am. but i do apreciate the help.. that is well still needed.. I think i need a good kick in the a$$ on this one.. lol..
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MizzRobin
Well said on Nov 03, 2009 @ 10:35 am

mamaluv said it perfectly.

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docmp
Thats ridiculous!! on Nov 14, 2009 @ 04:03 pm

OMG!! what is wrong with this "female!"! Well,everyone has a freedom of thought ,n speech,so whatever...but thts horrible,n selfish in my opinion...only ones who don't want to ve kids might be the ones who had a bad,tough childhood.

If there were more people like her in countries with booming population like china n india,may be they would solve their population problem:)
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docmp
wrong question,sorry on Nov 14, 2009 @ 04:04 pm

oops ,this is in the WRONG thread,sorry!
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boydco
yo on Nov 16, 2009 @ 02:11 pm

yo
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boydco
what do i do ? on Nov 16, 2009 @ 02:21 pm

See im sort of in the same situation as all you girls but the problem is what do i do ?

This guy I have been "seeing" for 8 months we are doing everything a realtionship has in it and why cant we be in one ?...
he tells me he doesnt want the bad break- up ending part of it and he doesnt think I can be mature and deal with things properly ... but whenever i try and express my feelings he always trys and makes him self seem right .. so i start lying to myself and thinking ok ? .. maybe i am wrong when clearly i am not.

He is now is 22 and im 16 he said he isnt ready for a relationship & I am..
He told me that it is better off we are just friends because he isnt ready...
the problem is I considered that after a huge argument over that and me being sad so....
i thought things could work out if we still did the same things
we still have sleepovers and doing sexualy intereacted things and hugging and kissing.. LIKE A RELATIONSHIP! but noooo he wont call it one..

hes too afraid he sais .. cause just at the end of his relationship him and his ex girlfriend who they have dated for five years were " just friends " and did the same things we are now ... for quite sometime until she found someone new...

I dont know what to do hes too scared .. from all this i guess. ...
he also told me his ex never let him go to friends houses and let him have his freedom..
he said to me he doesnt want to be tied down ?
what do i do ?
cause were still doing the same things we are now.....
and he tells me that he cares for me too much .. and he feels bad if he lets me go like that .. even when i try and convince him.

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