Is flirting Cheating?


Anonymous
on Aug 19, 2008 @ 02:07 pm

I know I wasn't supposed to do this but i snooped through my boyfriends emails. I eventually ended up finding emails between him and a woman who use to work in the same store as he did. he is an artist and apparently she was asking him to draw something for her. she asked were is it? he replies it's in my car you'll get it when you act like you want it. she replies I always act like I want it.. the drawing that is. then she asked him to draw her another and he said he would do it another day. She instant messages him saying what are you doing awake so late? I bet your up working on my picture huh? he says no im going to work on it tomorrow, what are you gonna do for me? write me a song? she replies have you ever heard of people doing unconditional things for other people?

I confronted him and he said i was being irrational and he apologized and said it was wrong to flirt. then i find out from him that she gave him a ride home after work one day.. what do you guys think? what should I do?
 

24 Replies


Feisty Redhead
... on Aug 19, 2008 @ 05:03 pm

Well, first of all I want to say that everybody has their own definition of what is and what is not flirting. Regardless of that, I personally do not find mild occasional flirting to be a bad thing. Both my boyfriend and I sometimes flirt with somebody else, but we both know we're totally committed to each other and we never ever take flirting too far.

With that said - no, maybe you "shouldn't" have gone through his email; but I understand where a person can be coming from when they make a decision to do something like that. I think deep down when you're being cheated on you somehow know it. Not always, but many times you just know, and it sounds to me like you have that "just know" feeling. Otherwise you'd have felt no need to go through his emails. It's kind of like, you know but you want to be wrong, so you do whatever you have to do trying to find proof you're wrong but end up finding proof you're right instead.

If you were really upset when you confronted him about it (crying, yelling etc.) that may have been why he said you were being irrational so not so much to worry about there IMHO. But if you had already taken time to calm down before talking to him then he may have been getting defensive and trying to turn the tables a bit so you wouldn't hound him more, in which case it'd be something to wonder about. It's hard to say. You know how it all happened since you were there, I am just making some guesses based on what you've shared of the situation.

Ultimately, only you know what you're willing to put up with in a relationship as far as flirting with other people goes; only you know what crosses the line and what's ok. He's obviously crossed the line for you. And only you can decide if this is something you can forgive and if you really believe him that there's nothing happening between them.
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Anonymous
Thank you on Aug 19, 2008 @ 05:45 pm

Thank you.. I'm really trying to figure this out.
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Ali de Bold
Suspicious on Aug 19, 2008 @ 06:38 pm

This doesn't sound right to me. I think FR is right that something prompted you to check his emails in the first place - not that I endorse that, I mean you obviously had concerns already in order to want to do that. Trust your instincts. Also, people can be really defensive when they are caught in the wrong. If you approached him rationally and he got all defensive I would see a big red flag there.
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pyto
flirting on Aug 20, 2008 @ 12:03 am

I agree that it all depends on what degree of flirting you're comfortable with but personally I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
For him to ask the girl how badly she wants the painting seems like he's implying if she wants.. something else?? And if the girl feels comfortable enough to ask for unconditional things then he must be showing her signs that he may in interested in a hook up.
You should speak to your boyfriend about your relationship because there must be something he doesn't feel comfortable with for him to be flirting in this manner. And if he keeps on flirting with this girl after you've talked to him about it then I really don't believe that this guy is worth your effort.
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Marayna
Miscommunication on Aug 20, 2008 @ 10:26 am

The line 'have you ever heard of people doing unconditional things for other people' was misinterpreted. I don't think she was implying that she would provide any sort of sexual favors in return for the drawing. I think she was actually telling him that he should just give her the drawing as an act of kindness. So she's calling him out on his 'what are you going to do for me' and replying with 'i shouldn't have to do anything'.

The girl isn't a threat but I agree with the other girls that if you feel like he's cheating on you, then perhaps there's something going on. Perhaps it's nothing physical or even emotional, but maybe you feel he's becoming more distant from your own relationship which can feel just as bad as cheating. I'd ask him about how he honestly feels about your guys' relationship rather than confronting him about any affairs.

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hunter_jc
flirting is kind of... on Aug 20, 2008 @ 11:32 pm

I dont know how to say this but usually when a guy get his gf, he feels secured and would immediately lose that sense of "i have to be the perfect boyfriend"
So when another girl comes along, that urge to impress this girl would come out naturally.
I would suggest that you play the game. If he can flirt, then you can too. But your goal is more like keeping him in check. Make sure that he will still try to impress you with flowers and stuff, just an example.

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mamaluv
what I'm seeing on Aug 22, 2008 @ 04:54 pm

obviously (!) I'm seeing this out of context, but I must tell you that if you are quoting your BF's emails verbatim, I would be very upset. There are 2 kinds of flirting: the harmless joking and sly smiles vs. strong sexual innuendo ("you'll get it when you act like you want it / I always want it"). Even James Bond is more subtle than that.

If in fact this is a strong flirtation I would consider this the beginning of cheating. The innocent kind is sort of what hunter is talking about - law of the jungle etc, always wanting to impress the other sex.

In many people's minds (and not just men, although it often seems this way), you haven't cheated until you are actually in bed. I disagree; emotional cheating and inappropriate behavior fundamentally undermines a relationship and most of the time will end it altogether.

I agree with Marayna that you should have a frank discussion about the other aspects of your relationship. Is this latest bump a symptom of something more serious? If not, you need to make clear to your BF that this type of flirtatious behavior hurts you and he needs to stop - whether he believes it's a problem or not, it is a problem for you. If he loves you and is committed to your relationship, he'll quit.
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TigerLilly
Another Perspective on Aug 24, 2008 @ 04:26 am

I'm going to give a completely different perspective on this. Having just gone through a situation with a super close male friend of mine and his g/f thought he was cheating on her with me and I was in love with him. None were true and she was getting these things out of nowhere.

First, you were going through his e-mails. In my opinion, that is not cool at all. I would be so pissed off if someone violated my personal and private space like that. I think you might have a pretty good guy if he didn't even get upset over that. I just wouldn't trust the other person after that.

Secondly, from my experience with the above male friend, I personally think they have trust issues. He kept assuring her everything is fine and he and I are just friends, which we are. I thought she was insecure and had trust issues and was just using me as an excuse. Maybe you are using this as an excuse and you're feeling insecure and have trust issues?

Thirdly, it could be your intuition is correct and it's just something you're uncomfortable with. I know what it's like to be in that situation and you're just not sure. It is something you should talk to him about. It could be absolutely nothing and since it's via e-mail, you could be misinterpreting the conversation.

I agree with some of the above people that different people have different lines for what is considered "cheating."

But from my experience, as the female friend, to have my friend's g/f control him to not be friends with me over nothing was not cool at all. We are still friends, but we can't be as close because of her.

I don't have any solid advice for you but that's just a different outlook on the situation.
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supercath
same thing on Sep 09, 2008 @ 12:10 pm

Hi guys, the same thing is happening to me right now. I've been with my BF for 5 years, great relationship, trust, everything was there. Up until a month ago, he changed. Got a cell phone, changed clothes, got out more...all weird stuff.

I went through his emails cause hes been distant a bit, and found out he was flirting with a girl from work. She seemed into him. It is scary and since then, I took my clothes and went to my parents to live for a few days. He says hes devasted, has emailed me a lot, and called here. I saw him yesterday, and asked to see his cell phone, to see who called, and that girl from work called once this week. I asked why, he said to see how he's doing, cause hes hurting. I said: 'she's trying to get you" He answered: "so what if she is, does it mean Id let her???"

I know he loves me, and i love him to death, I just wonder why he needed to flirt. I confronted him, he said that it gave him a little thrill and confidence, to know that at 31 years old, he still has it with the ladies. As if he'd been trapped with me for 5 years, and kept in a cave, and just woke up. He needs time to figure things out, so do I.
At first I didn't think we'd need a break, but as time goes by, I see 4 possibilities: 1-he'll want me back, but I won't. 2-I'll want him back, he won't. 3-we both will have changed and split. 4-we'll get back together. I am hoping for option4. Here's why. In 5 years, he's always been respectful, caring, and I never suspected anything weird. He doesnt go out or have a social life, or drink.

Lately, I told him to go out, make friends, and have fun. Well, I didnt mean to flirt....gheez. he's changed socially, for the better, and I think it is positive for his personnality. I do believe there is hope, but I dont want to be naive. It could have been a stupid flirt, with no intentions to sleep with her. I'll never know I guess. He knows he crossed the line with me, and feels guilty about it, so I'll cut contact and let him think about what hes done. We'll see where it goes. We communicate very well and I just hope that if we get back, I'll be able to trust again. That's my concern, and I gotta evaluate that. What do you guys think, can you hellp me figure it out??? Thanks
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supercath
same on Sep 09, 2008 @ 12:11 pm

Same thing just happened to me, read below!
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