is he just not that into me?!


miss_ela
on Sep 16, 2009 @ 06:47 am

im from switzerland (so sorry for my english), but it seems that we have the same problems with guys over here as you ladies have over there! ;-) its kinda long - sorry...

ok, i met this guy some weeks ago. we actually knew each other before, cuz he was a good friend of my ex-boyfriend. me and my ex split up almost 5 years ago and as far as i know, the two of them dont hang out together anymore either. and i havent seen this guy in 6 or 7 years. anyway, it actually doesnt matter. so, i met him when i was out with the girls and we talked like forever. he then asked me for my phone number and if i wanted to go out with him some time. he really txted me two days later and we met the next day. we had a great time together, he was really charming and made it clear that he liked me. over the next days, we txted and talked to each other every day. we went on a couple of dates, i even hung out at his place and nothing happened. he was really respectful and didnt try anything, since he knew that i wanted to take it slow. he always told me that he wanted to be with me and that he liked me and had lots of fun with me etc etc. eventually we slept together some days ago. so yesterday, he invited me over to his place and we watched some tv and chattet. suddenly he said that he had to talk to me: he then told me that he really liked me, had fun hanging out with me and that he felt that we were good together etc, but also that he wasnt interested in a serious relationship (he called it 'a boyfriend-girlfriend-thing). he told me that he would love to continue this 'thing' between us cuz he liked me, but that he would not call me his 'girlfriend', cuz he didnt like the obligation that comes with this term! he said that he liked it the way it was right now between us, but since also he would be working out of town soon (note: only for two months!!!) he would not have the time to have the kinda relationship he wanted to have with a woman. he said that he was a really jealous guy and that it would drive him crazy if he actually wanted to see me, but couldnt. he told me that he would not exclude the possiblity that he might eventually fall in love with me and want to have a relationship with me, but that for now, he couldnt guarantee anything...he also said, that he was sorry, that he brought it up that late, he wanted to talk about it earlier, but always missed the chance!

so my question: whats going on?! i told him then that i didnt actually understood him. why would he take me on dates and wait for me and all, if he didnt want to be with me in the end? his answer: well i saw you and liked you. so why would i say no. i couldnt know then that it would lead to this discussion, could i? - WHAT?! i always thought that taking a girl on dates and telling her that you want to be with her would EVENTUALLY lead to something!!!

so ladies: am i totally wrong here? did i misinterpret everything? what would you do now? do you really think, he just needs time "to fall in love with me"? cuz
i think, that under these circumstances he will never really fall in
love with me... Thanks for your opinion!!
 


10 Replies


mamaluv
Classic Friends-With-Benefits on Sep 16, 2009 @ 08:46 am

This sounds like he wants a friends-with-benefits arrangement. I have never had that kind of relationship, but from what others have mentioned here on ChickChat:

1. Don't expect him to fall in love with you down the road. It might happen, but the chances are not that great.

2. If I understand correctly, he did not ask for you two to be exclusive (huge red flag!) so I wouldn't put much stock in his saying how jealous he would be if he were your boyfriend. There are a lot of conditionals in that sentence.

3. You didn't misinterpret - he misled you. "Didn't have a chance to mention it before?" Lie. "Couldn't know it would lead to this sort of discussion?" Lie. "Can't exclude the possibility that he could fall in love with you eventually?" Slap in the face and total copout. He liked the chase, as many do. The courting phase was drawn out to make the experience more intense.

Whether or not he could fall in love with you eventually is actually beside the point. You deserve better. Delete his number from your cell phone and move on.

Sorry to be brutally honest, but just trying to keep the bullsh*t real.
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miss_ela
Thanks on Sep 16, 2009 @ 10:11 am

Thank you so much for your honest words, mamaluv! I really appreciate it!!! :-)
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Ali de Bold
Oh, this makes me mad! on Sep 16, 2009 @ 12:39 pm

miss_ela, first of all, welcome! I think it is so cool that we have members from all of the world! I've only been in Switzerland once and it was just at the boarder, no proper touring around. I'd love to visit there again soon :)

As to this boy of yours, you have not misinterpreted a thing. Allow me to translate (based sadly on my own personal experience):

He saw you, he wanted you, he got what he wanted... and now he is ready to add more women to the mix since he has conquered you. (let's not be exclusive, baby!)

With everything he is saying, I hope your b.s radar is going off like mad. The players are pros at sounding reasonable and convincing. Since you have already told him how you feel about this nonsense, your next steps are really easy:

1. Stop taking his calls, his texts, etc. Ignore him entirely for a solid week. Don't tell him you plan on ignoring him, just do it. And most importantly, do NOT cave!

2. Once you have conquered week one, ignore him for another week following. If he really likes you, your two weeks of silence will make him crazy with wanting to talk to you, not turn him off.

3. He will likely start calling you obsessively because he is no longer in control and his friends with benefits plan isn't working out. You must resist the urge to call him back or buy any of his b.s.

4. If and only if he comes to his senses after you have ignored him for a minimum of two weeks, allow yourself to re-evaluate if his intentions are sincere buy agreeing to meet for a coffee in public and ask him point blank what he wants from you now and how this will be different from before. Make it crystal clear you aren't interested in being used as his bed buddy. If you are 100% convinced he is sincere and you really like him, slowly start seeing him again but under your rules.

Let us know how it goes!
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Marayna
Oh dear... on Sep 16, 2009 @ 02:46 pm

It's complicated. I think MC and ML have some very valid points and great suggestions on how to handle the situation. 

I think maybe you need to ask him why he doesn't want to call you his girlfriend - and if you aren't his girlfriend, then what are you? Does it mean he wont be exclusive to you? Etc. I myself have been in a relationship where I didn't want to call the man my boyfriend - this was because I don't like the title and the pressure that comes with it. So, I can sort of see where he's coming from on that point. He could just be trying to keep things fresh and not lose the perspective he has on the relationship by moving too fast forward (to some, calling somebody your 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' is a big step). 

While he could be a huge jerk, I think he owes you an explanation as to why he wants things to be that way. But, the jealousy remark worries me a little.....

Hope this made sense! 

- M
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MizzRobin
Yikes. on Sep 16, 2009 @ 03:05 pm

I think you should take MissChickie's advice. I am sorry to hear you are in this situation!!! Keep us posted...
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miss_ela
Thank you!!! on Sep 17, 2009 @ 02:29 am

Hey ladies!!! It's so good to hear some objecitve advice!! thank you sooo much for your answers! ;-)

I think im gonna take your advice, misschickie! Marayna, what you said totally makes sense: he actually mentionend that everything was moving too fast and that he wanted to be sure, before he called me his 'girlfriend'! He also said that he wanted to be exclusive, but not because he liked me or something, but because 'he is not that kinda guy!' Well, i have my doubts about that... But I guess i will find out soon enough (while or after my silent treatment)! ;-)

I keep you posted!
xxx

ps: So glad to hear that some you have been to my tiny little country, even if it was just at the border! ;-)
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TigerLilly
Things takes time . . . on Sep 17, 2009 @ 10:28 pm

I've thought of two options which are the ones that have been listed here. I've been in both situations so I think since you know this guy, you'd know him best.

On the one hand, like mamaluv and MC said it could be he just wants a friends-with-benefits thing and is just going to string you along to get what you want. He'll tell you what you want to hear but also make it clear you're not getting what you want (i.e. a relationship) for whatever reason for sex. If this is the case, you will get hurt in the end and unless this is what you want too I'd say stay away.

On the other hand, he could be telling the truth and he just doesn't want to commit to a relationship now but might later on and is just letting you know where you stand in his life. For me, I would never get in an exclusive relationship right away, I'd probably wait a few months. Some people think after a few dates or sleeping together that equals an exclusive relationship but that's not always the case. Maybe he just needs some time to figure out their own things and how you fit into that. I think committing in a relationship is a big thing and I don't do it too lightly. But there are people that only go into an exclusive relationship too. So it just depends on the person.

I'm not sure about this guy. I think you'd know best. Just be cautious and I hope you don't get hurt. Good luck!
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Ali de Bold
miss_ela on Sep 21, 2009 @ 04:05 pm

How is it going? Were you able to resist? ;)
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miss_ela
*laugh* on Sep 29, 2009 @ 06:46 am

hey misschickie!

I didnt even have to resist: He ignored me for about 4 days straight! He txted me after that, but I didnt answer. He txted me again about 2 days later, which I ignored also! He then got a liiiittle bit pissed of and txted me again the next day saying, that I obviously must have been and still am pretty busy or something, since he hadnt heard from me in all those days and since I wouldnt reply to his messages. I ignored him for some more days... ;-) I eventually sent him a very cool message, saying that I indeed had been veeery busy with dates, appointments and stuff. ;-) He replied that he would love to see me this week actually...So I guess im gonna see him (but NOT at his place, obviously) just to have a drink and a chat...

To be honest, this time apart made me think and I am not sure, if I actually want to be with him anymore...

Thank you so much for your thoughts on the matter ladies!

I will let you know how the story continues! ;-)

xxx
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Ali de Bold
Good outcome on Sep 29, 2009 @ 12:01 pm

I think it's great you had a chance to think about the situation and decide for yourself what is best.

Nice to see he missed you ;) Don't let him sweet talk you when you meet up. Actions speak louder than words. If he's the right guy for you at the right time you will know. Good luck and keep us posted!
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