Is it possible?


J_PEARL
on Jan 30, 2012 @ 05:08 pm

Have any of you girls had a horrible break-up, and he broke up with you, and did he come back? changed? how long did it take? is a month to long?
 


1 Replies


mamaluv
anything is possible, but... on Jan 30, 2012 @ 05:24 pm

First off, I have not been in the situation, so I cannot speak from personal experience. And yet, I think there are some generalizations that can be made here.

1. ANYTHING is possible. Anything. A genuine reconciliation, a faked reconciliation, radio silence turning into a shaky friendship down the line, or horrible run-ins in the future that make you regret ever knowing him. Anything is possible.

2. The break up is not what will determine (a) if he will come back, (b) if he will change, and (c) how quickly he comes back (or doesn't).

What really determines if you guys fix this relationship is all the stuff that led up to this blowout break up. Had you two been unhappy for a while (either both or just one of you)? Was one of you unfaithful (either sexually or emotionally)? Were there outside influences like family pressures, geographic separation, work problems, health problems, etc? How old are you both?

I once heard a therapist say "stuff doesn't 'Just Happen'; there's always a reason for someone's actions." If you are honest with yourself, this probably didn't come out of the clear blue, did it?

If that's true, then the issue that led to this breakup will ultimately determine the future. Is it forgiveable for both you and him or a deal breaker?

As to whether or not he'll change, he has to want to change for himself. Anyone who changes for another person but otherwise against their own inclinations will probably fall back into old ways. This is different than personal growth - I'm talking about strong personality traits. Anyone who has struggled with a negative trait (e.g. a bad temper) will probably tell you that although their behaviour has changed, it continues to be an internal struggle to master the problem inside. I don't think that anyone fundamentally changes unless something extremely drastic happens like a death in the family or a spiritual awakening.

But most importantly, you have to ask yourself if you really want him back. If this was such a violent breakup, are you sure you really want that level of drama in your life? How can you be certain it won't happen again - maybe even worse next time? Just be smart about what you really want, what you really deserve, and what your goals for the future are. That may give you insight as to whether this guy is right for you or not. One fight - even a bad one - does not define a person. A pattern of repeated behaviour, however, does.
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