Is this cheating? or am I over reacting?


Anonymous
on Sep 30, 2008 @ 06:33 pm

Just lately my husbands been logging onto this website to log your caloric intake. I did it to for a while for weight lose, but I eventually got bored with it. It's been almost 3 months since he's been on it and noticed he's on there longer than usual. I decided to check on his account since his pw is automatically saved and noticed several email exchanges with another gal he met who is also calculating her calories. Anyways, it seem "normal" at first, but when I checked a few weeks later, I noticed they have been exchanging several times a day. She's always stating she "Loves" this about him or "your handsome" or "good looking". And TONS more questions he would answer. She knows he's married, as she is as well, but now I believe they are both flirting with each other and discuss the happenings of the day. She would call him "Dear" and little nick names that just freaked me out.

Is it time to confront him about this or am I just over reacting? BTW, I'm the type of person who doesn't get jealous at all if my husband looks at another women, heck I do that from time to time.

Thoughts?
 


10 Replies


Ali de Bold
Totally inappropriate on Sep 30, 2008 @ 08:52 pm

I don't know why so many people consider only 'doing the deed' to be cheating. You don't need to be 'bumping uglies' in order to be unfaithful to someone or to disrespect them.

If he is investing time or emotional energy into another woman, he is taking that away from your relationship and it needs to stop, pronto.

I would tell him that you have read his emails with this woman and ask him what is going on. He is probably just enjoying the extra attention, and considers it harmless, but it is inappropriate nonetheless. Hopefully he will apologize and cut it off.

In the future, I would ask him about his computer usage instead of peeking at his account, though I understand why you felt compelled to.
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Amber598
Emotionally cheating on Oct 01, 2008 @ 11:10 am

The underlying reason that men physically cheat in the first place is because they like the attention they get from the other woman. So it seems to me that the emails that you have found are the beginning of something that could get way out of control. I would definitely confront him about the emails but dont accuse him or blow up on him. Instead, talk about what has led him to emotionally cheat on you with this woman and see if you two can work on it. Men really are just big babies that need lots of attention. I know it doesn't seem fair to have to cater to your man, but you made a committment and if you don't give men what they want then they will find it elsewhere.
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TigerLilly
I think it's fine on Oct 03, 2008 @ 06:14 pm

I personally think there is a little bit that could be considered too
much but overall it's fine. The nicknames are the ones that confuse me
a bit but otherwise they could just be friends. Some people are just
naturally more flirty than others and it's harmless.



Most of my friends are males and even if they're seeing someone we
still talk. And because we're friends of course we're somewhat
emotionally invested in each other. If he needs someone to talk to and
he chooses to talk to me I'll listen to him. I'll give them compliments
too like "You're so hilarious!" or if they happen to look really good
on a particular day "You look really good/attractive today" or "You
look really good in those clothes" or "That's a good haircut". I don't
mean anything from it, it's just a compliment from a friend.



As for the person that said that the time he spends on the computer
sending msges to her is taking time away from you, is it really? I
don't know how long he spends on there, but is spending 5mins sending a
msg to her taking valuable time away from your relationship? Wouldn't
him watching tv or spending time with his other friends taking away
more time?



Maybe the girl is just a friend and it's nice to have someone to talk to who is trying to lose weight in the same method he is.



This is just my opinion based on what you've told me which differs from
the ones above. Some people do get worried/jealous more than others and
are more insecure than others. But I only know the little you posted
here. Also, most people's intuitions are fairly decent so if you're
worried your intuition might be right.
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muhammad_ali_85
his thought process on Oct 14, 2008 @ 02:14 am

Do you let him go out with his friends when he wants to? Does he have a "go to" person?, as i know most women do.

See what the deal is, if he doesn't go out with his friends, or
anywhere else, or doesn't have a "go to" person, he'll get bored and
start resorting to the internet as a means of finding advice or
companionship. Believe it or not, but its healthy for men to "go out
with the guys" and have other friends. I had a gf who would get jealous
of my friends and didn't like it when hung out with them, I quickly
found myself in the same position you now describe to me.

I'll tell you what I did and my thought process (his is probably somewhat close to mine) and you can judge.

I lived with my gf for a year and she was somewhat jealous (didnt like
for me to hang out with friends, didnt like for me to do things that
didnt involve her at all, etc.). I tried to accomodate her feelings,
but I found myself getting bored. I started talking to this girl on the
internet and it was flirty and innappropriate, ill admit it. But, I
never thought about actually driving over to her place and banging her,
as we joked around about from time to time. I knew that the image that
I had in my head of this girl was an ideal image, and that she'd be
nothing close to what I dreamed her up to be like (or better than my
gf), nonetheless, she was someone to talk to, and it was fun at the
time. Now I currently live by myself and I have friends that I go hang
out with, and I almost never talk to the girl anymore, as I'd rather go
shoot some pool and hang out with the guys instead. I do still talk to
her from time to time (as I feel it is good to have someone that you
can talk with about virtually any subject and not get judged, the same
way that you would if you talked to someone in person) but I no longer
have the "ideal image" of her in my head.

A couple things I'd recommend:

1. Let him go out with his friends (if you dont already). I dont care
how much we love you, we will get sick of your face if it's the only
face we ever look at.

2. Keep monitoring the messages, if it gets too inappropriate or you
realize that they live close enough to each other to actually meet up,
put an end to that shit.

3. Have plenty of sex. You women have something beautiful inbetween
your legs, and if hes your husband, damnit he should be able to have
full access to it. Be nice and give it up to him, ull see that it works
wonders.



Good luck and hopefully this was useful to you
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Anonymous
whoa on Oct 14, 2008 @ 11:52 am

i really think you need to rethink talking about certain issues or 'aspects' of a womans body (to be specific).us women wont 'use' our bodies to get a man to stay and be faithful.they should love us unconditionally
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Anonymous
uhm on Oct 14, 2008 @ 11:56 am

"I know it doesn't seem fair to have to cater to your man, but you made a committment and if you don't give men what they want then they will find it elsewhere."

also a big generalisation
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Anonymous
what to say? on Oct 14, 2008 @ 02:04 pm

That was incredibly rude and I agree with Anonymous above me. If the tables were turned gender-wise in this topic I'm somehow certain you'd feel very differently about it. I'm sensing some major double standards and a neanderthal attitude and I don't like it at all.
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Becky
bide your time... on Oct 14, 2008 @ 04:27 pm

muhammad_ali85 > sorry you had such a bad experience with your ex, and although i know its hard not to generalize and assume others are in the same situation as you were in, i don't think its applicable to this case. The "controlling" thing isn't exclusive to girls actually, i know of many guys who are wanna be dictators (i know more guys like that than girls!)... but no where in her post is she indicating that she's the controlling type, in fact she says that she's not the jelous type at all (most controlling people tend to be jelous too) so i don't think thats her issue.

hmm..we're supposed to give him sex? meaning its a one sided bargaining tool? dude there's definately something wrong with that approach...... you're more likely to be intimate with someone if you're happy with them emotionally. before you turn a girl on mentally, you gotta turn on her mind (generalizing i know but i don't think its the same for guys) :-)

anyways sorry about the thread jacking ..... Anonymous (starter of thread)
I know its "wrong" but i say continue monitoring him, but don't let him know that you know just yet. God forbid if his intentions are wrong, then you confronting him will only let him know faster that he has to be more careful at hiding his stuff... just wait and see what happens next. Be super nice to him, try to not let what you know affect your relationship, and just figure out if the current vibe between you and him makes him talk to the other girl more or less.
When my ex would do something wrong he would reach out to girls he dated to get ego boost from them, he would completely lie about the scenarios and make up something random to get sympathy from them.... i know this because i became friends with one of these girls and she told me what he used to say to her...

anyways everyones different, just bide your time and figure out which type your partner falls under. YOU come first, so always be there for yourself first!! he's definately not the "enemy" (yet) but you're still number 1 in your books so watch out for yourself, stay smart and don't give yourself and what you know away.
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Becky
correction... on Oct 14, 2008 @ 04:28 pm

***sorry i meant before you turn a girl on Physically, you have to turn her on Mentally / Emotionally ***
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Steve
you're not overreacting on Oct 30, 2008 @ 10:34 pm

yeah, that's not good. but he's probably going to try to make you the guilty party for logging into his account...he's lame for probably using that rationale and you're lame for logging into his account. spilled milk, though. you know what you know now and you probably would rather you didn't know.

i personally find any sort of cheating reprehensible and not-at-all "cute", or part of being a fucking "manly hunter" or whatever. so i'm not going to stick up for your dude because if you don't have principles then you don't really have anything when you strip away all of the materialistic shit. that being said, you've come too far to stop reading the messages so you may as well see this through. if you can't be trusted to not have e-girlfriends on the side then i could really care less about the dude's privacy. he's your husband and one who apparently needs tabs kept on him until he gets your trust back. i'd say "i hate to sell another guy down the river" but if he does this kind of shit i just kind of find it repugnant in general. don't put up with it - you're in a committed relationship for a reason, a big part of which being that THERE AREN'T ADDITIONAL PARTIES ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED.
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