Long distance relationships...

on Feb 08, 2007 @ 11:53 am

this does not pertain to me directly but I have friends who are in relationships with people who live in other countries and have never lived in the same city as the person they are with....do you think long distance relationships of this type work? I have had a very good friend of mine make this work but things were on a loose timeline...like 'if things are still going well after a year we should move to the same place and make a go of it'. I have other friends who have been locked into long term relationships living in separate countries with no plans to move closer together... They don't want to get out of the relationship because they deeply care for the person but then at the same time, they are always upset, missing them, wondering where it is going etc. What do you ladies think? I don't know what to tell her... is it practical to stay in a 3+ year relationship with someone who has made no plans to live in the same place as you or who has not liked the idea or her moving to his city?

12 Replies

I've been there on Feb 08, 2007 @ 01:32 pm

My husband and I had a long distance relationship for a year before I moved to his city. He was quite clear he'd never come over to my city so it was always up to me. However, we discussed early on that the relationship would only go somewhere if we did live in the same place at some point in the not-to-distant future.

The end of the story is we've now been married for over 12 years. In that time, he had to leave the country for studies and I wasn't able to go with him. In total, he was gone for 8 months (he came back once in between). It was not easy; I missed him like crazy. The only thing that kept me sane was the assurance that he'd be back.

I don't see how a 3+ year relationship has survived this long when apart. I think there's something weird about one or both not being willing to compromise in order to be together. Have they considered both moving somewhere neutral? To me this situation says that although they love each other, they don't love each other enough.

Eventually one or both will start looking around for someone nearby to ease the loneliness, and then it'll all be over. Your friend really needs to think about what she's doing here.

I live by setting goals, even if they are vague ones. There is no goal here. I wouldn't want to live in such uncertainty. You can love someone, but a coal pushed away from the flame will be extinguished. This can't last.

There, that's my two cents - for what it's worth!

I hear ya... on Feb 08, 2007 @ 04:20 pm

Maybe it is because I am a bit older that I think that it is either going somewhere or it isn't and I don't have time for it... I have been reluctant to tell her to force the conversation as to where it is going because she is a younger than me (in her mid 20s) and I don't want to tell her to do what I would do because who says my way is right...I am not married yet so obviously I am not a guru on the subject. In terms of moving forward I think maybe she should tell her they should figure out a 'loose' timeline so they can both manage their expectations as to where it is going or not going. I guess I put this post out there to get fresh opinions from people that do not know the couple just to make sure I am being somewhat objective with what I say.... Thanks for the input! I look forward to hearing others chime in on this one so I have more to share with her. :o)

Not a fan on Feb 08, 2007 @ 10:54 pm

I agree with mamaluv, if neither of them are willing to move and have no plans to live in the same city in the near future where could it possibly go but nowhere. How could they take it to the next level? Also dating from afar means you don't get to know all the little annoying things about a person because when you do see each other you're always on your best behaviour. One of them should move, or they should move on.

There is no substitute for physical closeness on Mar 17, 2007 @ 08:07 pm

Ughh... I've been putting off this post for a while now, but the anonymous post above me is exactly my thoughts.
I've had two long distance relationships in my short years - keep in mind, these were both college relationships. The first was with a guy I had been dating during high school, who moved across country after graduating. Even though we talked regularly for long periods of time, when I saw him again, it was VERY apparent that we had both changed dramatically, and with no stretch of the imagination could we pick up where we left off.
My other college relationship was with someone from my hometown, who went to school in DC - about 8 hrs away from me. We talked alll the time (it was obnoxious, to be completely honest). I flew down to see him a few times, and every time I saw him, I just loved him more. He ended up transferring, moving in and putting a ring on my finger. So cute you could puke. lol.
The moral of my story, is that it really depends on who you are, and who you're with. If you can't talk about it, then how could you possibly do it? I really think that the reason that Isaac and I worked out is because of our somewhat out of control comfort level. We talked about our future, realistically and hypothetically, our goals for our future, and where each other fit in. If its on your mind, spit it out. The worst that can happen, is you learn that it won't work out... which in the long run, really can save you quite a handful on plane tickets and phone bills, and time and energy lost on reinflating a crushed heart.

totally agree on Mar 25, 2007 @ 02:28 pm

Madison, I always love your replies on this message board! I completely agree - I've never been in a long distance relationship myself but pretty much every friend I have has been in one (Maybe why I've avoided them?) Unless your plan is to stay together and move to be in the same place, it's not going to work. No matter what people say, as Madison says, there is no substitute for physical closeness. My boyfriend may be moving for grad school soon and I can't and I am definitely going to have to evaluate everything. We have OPEN discussions about what could realistically happen if he does leave - that is the ONLY way you can make something work long distance!

Yup on Mar 25, 2007 @ 04:03 pm

I've had several long distance relationships. Most of them were when I was in college. They didn't work out, but I think that owes more to age/maturity than to the distance thing. However, like Madison, I've made long distance work. But just like everyone else has voiced, it has resulted in us moving to the same town. We lived apart (Florida and California) for ~8 months until he could leave (was in flight training school). After that, he trucked it on out to California and we've been together ever since ... awwwww.

Optimistic on Mar 31, 2007 @ 10:56 pm

I really enjoyed the post made by Madison. I'm a sophomore in high school and I recently just started dating a senior at my high school. I have been thinking about what we are going to do when it comes time for him to leave for school, at first I thought we should break up when he leaves for school because I don't want to hold him back from some great college experience. But I have come to realize that I don't think I will be able to walk away from my relationship with him. Before we started dating we were best friends for almost a year and then we both admitted how much we liked each other. I feel so comfortable with him and we are so open with each other. Fortunately he's only going to school 45 minutes away so well be able to see each other at least once every 2 weeks. I'd just like to thank you because your post made me more optimistic about the possibility of continuing my relationship with Dylan.

I hear ya... on Apr 01, 2007 @ 08:49 am

I hear what you are all saying. There is nothing wrong with making a go of a long distance relationship. With my friend though, she is in her late 20s and he is in his mid thirties and to me at that point, if neither of you make a move toward being in the same area code, I don't think there is any point in staying in it after 3+ years. To me if he is not going to come close to making any sort of a move toward being together or allowing her to move closer to him, then I don't think he is as into the relationship as she is. She has offered to move to be closer to him and he keeps saying no. That does not sound like someone who wants to make a serious commitment to me.

I agree with Mizrobin on Apr 01, 2007 @ 01:41 pm

If hes not willing to make the move or let her move he can't be serious about the relationship. Maybe he just likes a girl on the side. Madison has the best story. That's so sweet.

Agreed on Apr 02, 2007 @ 06:58 pm

Madison's story is so cute! I am always happy to hear when stuff works out for people and everyone ends up happily ever after! :o)

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