Long distance situation


Anonymous
on Oct 01, 2011 @ 01:13 pm

Let me start by saying that I know most people don't believe in LDRs...I used to be one of them.
Then I met my guy. He lives across the Atlantic. He is the love of my life. We've known each other for over a year and things have been amazing. When we see each other, it's the most perfect thing ever, when we don't I miss him insanely.
Recently, I decided to cool things off because I couldn't stand the missing him in between visits part. I'm hurt, he's hurt....but I feel better.

The crazy thing is, we both know that we'll eventually get married to each other (and someone will have to move) but I'm starting grad school in the states next year (hopefully!) and he's finishing his own schooling in his country. We're in no rush, we're in our early-mid 20s.

I'm going to see him in December, business trip to his country, and I can't not see him.
Things are so confusing now, I don't know what to do/think...

Any suggestions on this?
 


5 Replies


mamaluv
don't make it any more complicated than it needs to be on Oct 03, 2011 @ 11:45 am

You said it: it's a confusing situation! I was in a LDR with my now-hubby from the moment we got together to just before we became engaged. I knew him earlier - we went to the same high school, but weren't interested in each other. Long story short, we met up a year or so later but by that time he was living on the other side of the country. We had a LDR for over a year, then I moved to be near him and almost immediately after that we became engaged and quickly married.

What I learned is to not make things any more complicated than they absolutely need to be. Communication is important to every couple, but life-and-death to a LDR couple. I'm not talking about frequency of calling or emailing: I'm talking about being open about how you feel, open about your concerns and dreams.

You can't play games in a LDR. You have to live with trust - and that's a tall order! For that reason, don't allow any other complications to confuse what is already a tricky situation. Allow things to happen "as they are meant to happen" - that doesn't mean you should take a passive role and adopt a wait and see approach. No - you need to take charge of your life but at the same time be ready to roll with the punches.

My grandparents escaped WW2, losing siblings, parents, and even lovers along the way to death camps, disease, and circumstance. Compared to all of that, loving from afar seemed like a walk in the park :)

I wish I had a pat answer for you, but even in the most routine of dating relationships, there is never a simple solution. Good luck, and keep us posted!
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beachbabe
Totally feel ya! on Oct 03, 2011 @ 12:48 pm

My husband and I dated long distance as well for a little over a year before getting engaged and married 3 months later. And it was HARD! LDR's are no fun. At all. Most of the time is spent missing each other. And the time you do have, there's still the thought in the back of your mind that you only have so much time before you're apart again.

I totally agree with everything mamaluv said. First of all, communication in this situation is 100% necessary. Be completely open about your thoughts, feelings, etc. I also highly recommend Skype (if you don't already do it)! We would schedule "skype dates" where we would watch movies together (lol), play online games and even eat dinner together. And sometimes a Skype date was just us sitting, being together, and studying. It definitely helped us feel close even though we were far apart.

With a LDR, you have to be ready to roll with the punches, just as mamaluv said. Circumstances can change quickly and you have to prepared to deal with them. As much as LDR's suck, they are good for at least one thing. It gives you a chance to know for sure if this is the person you want to be with for life. If you 're willing to deal with all the negatives and wait out for the positives, you're all set.

I do encourage you to not wait too long. A LDR definitely takes it's toll on you and eventually can be more than you can handle. We got engaged when we did for many reasons, but one being we could not stand to be apart anymore. I think if we waited any longer, it would have hurt us in a big way just because we couldn't take it anymore. This meant I moved away and put my schooling on hold for a year to make it work. No regrets. I'd do it 100 times.

If you know you will marry this man, then keep your mind and heart open to different scenarios that may come up. When they do come up, consider them carefully and try hard not to let your heart do the thinking. LDR's certainly can cloud judgment since they can be so emotional.

I do know how hard it is and I feel for you. But keep your head up and stay strong. It's SO worth it in the end!
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mamaluv
starker decisions on Oct 04, 2011 @ 09:40 am

I agree with Beachbabe. My hubby and I decided to marry sooner than we probably would have done otherwise. We both come from traditional families, so living together before marriage was out of the question. We felt we were mature enough, we believed ourselves in love enough, and are both fairly laid-back people. So we got hitched (and got a reality check, but thankfully it was one that we survived!)

He couldn't move to be in my town so I moved to his location. It meant dropping out of uni - at the time I didn't really have a future game plan and was just too excited at the possibility of being with my honey. That's one thing I'd go back and change if I could - make a better 2-year or 5-year plan or whatever.

As it turned out, we moved overseas and experienced a lot of life that I never imagined I'd get a chance to do. We "oopsed" and became pregnant which complicated things, but it turned out to be an amazing thing.

I did go back to school several years later and finished my degree, becoming pregnant with baby #2 during my last semester (yeah, another "oops", but we really wanted another baby anyway).

Long story short, nothing in my life went according to plan. But as it all turned out, that was a very good thing. I keep thinking about all I would have missed out on if I had been rigid about my expectations as my 17/18-year-old self.

LDRs are complicated and force you to make stark decisions. That doesn't mean they are bad decisions though. Roll with the punches and make the best of every single day - you might be shocked at the opportunities that reveal themselves!
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AlexJC
Good Luck! on Oct 04, 2011 @ 11:53 am

I've never been one to believe in LDR. I applaud you for being so confident and so secure in your relationship!

I always err on the side of caution. I don't want to diminish your relationship at all but I would be sure, absolutely sure that you will end up marrying him. And that you are sure you will be ok with the sacrifices you will eventually have to make. Not to scare you, but a friend of mine was in a long distance relationship, she lives in Toronto, he lived in Alberta and she really grew to resent him because she always felt like he wasn't there.

I've done long distance relationships and it has never worked but it was because deep down, neither of us wanted to make that effort. So, if you are willing then it will work! Just be sure of what you want and be sure to communicate with him!
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Becky
LDRs on Oct 04, 2011 @ 12:28 pm

My husband and I had an LDR before we got married. He was living in the UK and I was in Toronto. In the beginning it was great because I really didn't want to be in a relationship anyways, major trust issues, and honestly if he wasn't LD I probably wouldn't have even spoken to him. The Atlantic being between us and all made me feel safer speaking to him and allowed me to open up to him and be myself. I told him straight out that regardless if I ever married or not, I'd never leave Toronto. My family is here, my work and friends are here and all of this (especially family) means more to me than anyone. That's my priority, like it or lump it. See, I could really be myself and not mince words ;-) If I didn't like his response, all I'd have to do is hangup the call and it'd be done with!

I'll be very honest with you: there are a few things that I really got to know about him after marriage (he moved to T.O so we could be together) that I didn't know before simply 'cuz of the distance. Although I did go to the UK a few times, we never conventionally dated, so some things were discovered after the fact. Some of these discoveries weren't pleasant, and most of them were amazing. One of the annoying discoveries: he needs his 8 - 10 hours of sleep. He's like a bloody old man when it comes to getting his sleep! There are some rare times when he'd stay up all night talking with me, and we'd have a total blast. But most nights he needs them zzz's. One of the many good: he gets along SO WELL with my family!! He's super patient, pretty much always in a good mood, easily forgives and forgets, and he actually listens to me! He's also extremely tidy. I mean obsessively tidy. Don't know of that's a good or bad thing. Sort of on the wall about that one.

I can totally see how this relationship could have ended up in a total disaster, and I am so damn lucky to have gotten him. I can't pretend that you know someone well-inside-and-out just by talking to them. But really, you don't know someone that well even by dating them for 5years.

The best advise I can give you is this:
-->Keep your eyes and ears (especially ears) open for small details. It's not the major things in life that show ones character. It's easier to do grand gestures than be considerate over the small things. So watch him on the small things. For example, If him being respectful to your parents / getting along
with your siblings is important to you, then watch what he says and how
he reacts when you spend time with them. Especially take note of his
behaviour, words and expression if they happen to impede on your
skype/phone time together. See if he's rude or seems aggravated about
it. That's a huge warning signal. Or see if he can share the time with
them, laugh along with them and doesn't make it a big deal: that's a
"small" good action that speaks volumes. It's easy for him to buy your sister a gift on her birthday - grand gestures are easy as I said. But what really speaks of his character is how he reacts when she comes into the room while you're skyping looking for homework help.
-->Don't have the mindset "of course he's the one, of course we're gonna get married" - because I've found this mindset to be really detrimental to a healthy view of reality. I've seen (and have been guilty of) girls with this mentality overlook big warning signals because of course they're marrying the guy so everything else can be compromised.
-->Be laid-back and strict at the same time. Recognize your "top 5 uncompromisable must haves" and don't bend on those. Be strict one those. But don't jump down his throat over every tiny issue (although I was majorly guilty of doing that myself).
-->Don't assume answers from each other. Actually you shouldn't do this in any relationship, but especially not in LDR's. For example, don't assume "one of us will obviously make the move". Figure out if you're willing to make the move permanently, and if you're not then make sure he knows it.

That's all I can think of for now .. I hope this helps at least somewhat.
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