Love or career?

on Jan 27, 2009 @ 03:58 pm


I need some advice on a very complicated situation.

A little background first, I went out with my ex for 2 and a half
years, we met while working together and became best friends and he
fell for me and after a few months i finally decided to give him a
chance, i wasent romantically attracted to him but he was such a
genuine sweetheart I had to give it a try. He was the first guy I
really fell in love with but he was quite intense and he pratically
worshipped me, beeing a bit young it scared me. After he followed me to
a new province for college we started to get a bit distant because he
was comfortable and things werent exactly exciting anymore, I am a
social person and I can count on 2 hands how many times we went out to
clubs or to even hang out with friends in a year. I eventually broke up
with him last may and he moved back home while I stayed here. I started
going out with a new guy shortly after we broke up and things seemed to
be going good but I still often miss my ex, we still chat quite often
and everytime I go home for a visit things get quite chaotic. Now
things arent going the best with my new bf, I love him but theres no
depth to our relationship like with my ex, we party alot and talk
seldomly about anything important. I have decided to go back to school
in September and I cant make up my mind wether to stay in this city and
try to make things work with my current bf or to move and go to school
where my ex lives, its a better program and it would be more beneficial
to me to move. But I know if I do I will want to go running back to my
ex, he still loves me, proof?

Heres a letter he wrote me a few days ago:

Hi Kitten,

It's my turn for a stupid drunken message :P. I'm sorry
but I'm bored, and lonely, and sad right now. I don't want to feel like
this but I do. I miss you so much. It's like I'm in some hole and I
can't do a single thing about it. I think of you night and day and some
days I wonder what I'm doing here. Sometimes I have those dreams and I
love them but then I wake up and wonder why we're not together. I just
wish you could tell me you love me and that it won't be long, that
everything will be alright. All I know is that that won't happen
anytime soon. So for now, all I can do is sit here and slowly get back
on my feet. Can't believe I haven't had my head above water since this
summer. :(...

Just know that everything I do, I do for you.
Sometimes I feel like you're the only one who really believes in me.
Sometimes I feel like you're the only one that's really there. It's
funny how I could say I would wait forever, but now it's almost like I
have no choice. I guess I just needed to express myself to you...I've
been bottling a lot lately...I've been playing guitar...I guess I
should write more...I don't know I feel so lost. I like where I am and
where I'm planning to be, yet it all feels so pointless without you.
I'm sorry...I never wanted to put you through any of this. I never
meant to fall so in love with you. Know that these feelings could last
five, ten twenty years...if you would come back in twenty years all
these feelings would be worth it. Hell, for the time we had together
already they'd still be worth it to me. I hope someday we could make it
happen, and I could call you my baby once again. Just try and make it
less than twenty years :P . Well, I better case I can say
anything more stupid at this point. Once again I'm sorry. Have a good

Wishing you were here

How can u not fall in love with a guy who feels this way?

I just dont know what to do anymore, I love both of them. But I want to
get my life on track. My current bf has no idea that things arent going
well because when I try to talk to him he never says anything or he
changes the subject. I said I was going to start applying to colleges
soon and he said nothing, he thinks I will stay here but that option
seems to be getting less appealing everyday.

Any advice at all would be great!

3 Replies

hmm... on Jan 27, 2009 @ 04:39 pm

the very small,&getting smaller and smaller romantic me:
omg that is sooo sweet!!! wow... seriously i got tears in my eyes reading his letter...!! the problems you described you had with him they can be fixed if you're both willing to work at it right? and you want to be with someone who you share a deeper connection with. superficial relationships stay exciting for only so long..

the cynical (aka 'real') me:
well you guys did go out for a while, he got to know you and know which buttons to push and what to say to make you go "he loves me so much how can i not love him back" and basically to win you over. His letter is sweet, but if you think about it, calculating too - he's saying exactly what he needs to, to be the nice guy and get you back. and whats disturbing is, its as if he's waiting for your current relationship to fail. Not only that, but it doesn't appear that this guy has any backbone in him! he knows your with another guy and i'm assuming you're 'with' him in every way and yet this guy is simply waiting for that to fail and you to come back to him.... kinda freaky if you think about it. if i'm not mistaken, a healthy person will feel hurt and then move on, and will definately have enough self esteem and self respect to not be a dormat to you. also, if he is a dormat, do you respect that and do you respect him for being like that? I truly believe to love someone else in a healthy way, you need to love yourself first, otherwise the relationship ends up going wierd and basically going bad. If he doesn't love himself, you are responsible for his happiness, you are responsible for his misery, you are responsible for him! so basically you'll be handling your own life and his emotions (its hard enough controlling our own emotions imagine having to account for someone elses!).

so anyways, he knew you, so he obviously knew that your a social person and knew that you were feeling bored in the relationship (as you say he was the talking about feelings / deep type while your current bf is the oposite). however while you were with him, he took you for granted so much so that he let you get bored, let your relationship and you down by not putting an effort into keeping the fun alive until you had enough and you left. yes he moved for you, but if he didn't have anything pressing holding him down, or even if he did and he gave that up - that can't be his saving grace or catch all for the reasons why you left him. It can't be "i do this and this and that wrong but at look at the sacrifice i did i left my home for you etc....". Him leaving his home and moving with you didn't erase or minimize the other things he did that cost him you, right?

Also here's another thing to consider, no matter HOW selfless a person appears, everyone - really truly every single one of us - love ourselves more than we love anyone else in the world. The freaky part about these "selfless" types is, they hide the fact that they love themselves more. they play on others emotions and play up the selfless love character ....and with these guys you really don't know where you stand. when the choices that really matter to him are given to him, what will he do? what will he choose? at least a guy/girl who has a healthy dose of self respect and sense of self worth and "loves themselves more", you know where that person stands, what their values are, etc..with someone who hides it, you don't.

OK now that you've heard the two voices in my head .... :-) ...

bottom line in my opinion is, choose your college based on which one really offers the best version of the program you want. Regardless of how sweet or how fun a guy is, guys come and go but you have to live your tomorrows with the choices you make today, so be careful to not base your choices on the current guy in your life. you may or may not have either of these guys in your life, but you will definately have yourself, so my best bet is to do good for the constant - which is you. Be good to yourself and make your choice based on your own educational future needs.

I do understand that you have feelings for both of these men, our feelings isn't a switch to turn on /off at whim, but i'm giving you my real unedited opinion... i hope you don't mind and i really hope i didn't hurt your feelings!!


Truth on Jan 27, 2009 @ 05:11 pm

Thanks alot for the advice, Im still confused a bit but it helped. I know both my current and ex bf have some personal issues, my current one already has a life here, hes older, has a career but he still parties way too much, it was fun at first but I have to think about myself now, I have diabetes and partying isnt healthy for me. I want to get my life on track and now is the time to do it. He dosent seem to be willing to change his lifestyle with me so I think I should probably move on, I have issues too im an emotional rollercoaster, I always have been, and beeing alone was never something that I did well. He loves me but I dont think its enough to keep me here anymore. I just dont know how to talk to him about it. As for the ex, hes tried for the past 8 months to move on but us beeing apart was never something he wanted in the first place, he wanted to marry me. All I know for now that I need to concentrate on me, I need to be more emotionally independant if that makes any sense. My parents are trying to get me to move home to save money for school and be in a better environment and even though living with my mom again would be somewhat hellish, she causes alot of emotional stress, it is best finacially and a garanteed way to be able to go back to school. I just dont know how im gonna leave my life here behind, that too feels like it would be a mistake, so which mistake to go with? many options but no perfect choice.

Anonymous 3546
There are no mistakes on Jan 30, 2009 @ 05:50 am

You are going to figure this out. Even when you think something is a perfect choice things change - things happen. You need to have a little faith here and do what Becky suggested. Choose the place you go based on the education you are looking for or what is going to help you be a better stronger person. Maybe the answer is not to be where either man is, but somewhere where YOU are. What do you need most right now? If you look back in 5 years where will you be? How do you want your life to be?
Plan your life and let the other pieces fall into place.


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