Marriage/Relationship-Need advice please! Feelings for another man.


Anonymous
on Nov 18, 2013 @ 08:07 pm

Hello there, I need some advice please, I will appreciate to hear it. So I'm a married women, with two children, got pregnant and married young at 18 years old. So yes, we been through a lot. But for me back then, wanting to be with this guy that I fell in love with was the greatest thing but at the same time always with the worry of him leaving me, and well pretty much he always wanted to leave me, since we married. Back then he joined the military, so when we got married, he was already in, so after he was done with his training, we moved to AZ. cause that's were he got stationed at. Now I think about it and feel like he wanted a wife to be with him to do what a house wife suppose to do, and he thought he was going to still have his single nights with friends whenever he wanted to but I never let him go out, that's why he wanted to leave me, I did forced him to stay with me cause I just wanted to be together for the family we now had. I feel like it was a game for him. He said he thought I was going to be a cool wife. So many problems through out the years, now we been married for 8 years. Moved back to our hometown in CA. We have tried to keep our love alive and family together.

Now I'm 26 years old, finally decided on something to do cause I just don't want to stay a house wife for the rest of my life or settle for any job with horrible hours and no decent pay. I went to the school for a tour and to meet with the advisor, a guy, that at the end of our meeting left me feeling something I have not felt in a long time. I'm so confused, I don't know what to think and I need advice. He was very nice, friendly, helpful, well that is his job, to help students, but I felt like he was kinda flirty or maybe too into my personal life, well he asked a few questions regarding my future and I got emotinal cause it has been too overwhelming, so a few tears came out, so it seemed like he became more interested, maybe to make me feel better, I don't know, that's the thing. We were talking about what I do, got somewhere in there that I like working out, he actually showed me how to do planks cause I forgot which ones were those, right there in his office. At the end he gave me a hug. I didn't know if that's just the way he is, friendly, caring person or is that too much of him to do and unprofessional..?

I been going back to do stuff I was suppose to do to get started in the school, so we have met like 5 more times, and I have felt more and more confused about this situation, like if I have feelings for this man. It makes me feel like he thinks or feels something for me. In our 3rd meeting he asked me for my phone number so we can text message, just in case for any questions we may have. Well, first of all he already had my phone number cause they get all that info when you first go in. So he was pretty much asking if we can text maybe. I was ok with that. Nothing has happened, we message ourselves asking questions for appointments or anything I needed to do, finish to get me started. I didn't know and have no clue of what to think of this and how I feel. So I had asked him on a message if I could transfer to the other campus cause it is like 10 minutes closer to me, so he called me within a few minutes instead, telling me that the difference wasn't much, that he goes to school from my way and if I still felt comfortable going to that campus, so I said ok, yes, so I let it go since my husband said this one was easier for me to go to and the area is safe, he didn't know in what area the other one is at. But, just got me thinking more about this situation, if this man is interested in me...or since that's his job, I thought it probably benefits him, of course enrolling as many students as possible to get a bonus in his pay. Does anyone know that for fact?

Well this man I find attractive has made me think and feel different. What it would be like to meet other people, since I didn't do much of that. To meet other men now as a woman, to know if any other man could love me too and care for me even though I have two children. I wonder if any other man would be ok with that.


I feel guilty, bad, scared at times, cause before, the last thing I wanted was to break my family apart, but after so many years and all the downs we been through, the horrible ways my husband has made me feel, I lost my confidence, my self esteem was so low, felt so depressed. But now I have gained a lot of it back, thanks to GOD. Don't know though, is it so wrong to feel this way, about this man I met? In many arguments with my husband, what he's said to me I hated so much! Feeling angry at myself cause I'm not independent anymore but wanting to be so bad. I got tired and I'm tired of depending on a man that has and will throw everything and anything he's done for me to my face. I use to have a good job that wanted to advance me as a receptionist in a Dermatologist office. I left it for my husband, so young and stupid back then, not thinking of the consequences, now it's been hard to find a decent job like the one I once had, have nothing to fall back on. I just wish now to never depend on a man, to be able to support my kids and myself first. I wonder if I'll be able to cause even my husband has a hard time, we do struggle and things ain't that easy seems like anymore, specially right now. I don't want to use or feel like I'm using my husband or any other man anymore. I so wish for independence, and I hope I will reach it. I do feel like leaving my husband but how will I do it without nothing. I don't feel exactly the same for my husband or see him the same way as I did when we first got married. I am though very thankful for all the good he's done for me and our family, for wanting to better our life for a better future. That's the only thing that makes me sad, the dreams we have together, the family we have, if I think about it, me leaving him, breaking our family, I think of all the good memories we have and it breaks my heart, but I feel so confused on how this man I met has made me feel. If he is interested in me, while I do have a family and a husband that supports me, I think, what if he's just a flirt that wants a little fun and nothing more, why would he want someone with a package already or anyone else out there.

I do get upset though, that my husband always throws in my face exactly that, pretty much to go see if I get lucky and find someone that will love me and care for me like he has. But in a way, I feel like I have forced my husband to do all that for me. He tells me, he wishes I would be independent as in, have a job and make my own money. Yes! he is tired of supporting me and no I don't like it. I'm trying to make a change. But like I said, it upsets me that he wants to make me feel and get in my head that nobody else could love me or want me in any way I guess.

Hope my troubles are not overwhelming to read, sorry I need advice please, I will appreciate it so much!
 


5 Replies


AlexJC
Natural To Feel This Way on Nov 19, 2013 @ 11:07 am

I completely understand how you feel and I think it is completely natural that after a long, very difficult relationship with many ups and downs you'd find the comfort of a really nice guy to be attractive. I think even in a happy relationship, it's normal to find someone else attractive and even flirt with them. Usually it is harmless. However, if you are feeling unhappy in your relationship, I think it is time to leave. You aren't doing your family any favours by staying in an unhappy marriage.
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boxcat
Do some hard thinking! on Dec 04, 2013 @ 12:13 pm

I agree with alexjc, you're not doing anyone any good by staying in an unhappy marriage. Plain and simple. Even if you were to get a divorce, your children would be better off seeing both their parents leading separate and fulfilled lives rather than together and miserable and unstable.


Also, it's normal to be attracted to someone, even if you're in a relationship. However, if you're in an unhappy relationship, those feelings of attraction could mean more. It sounds to me like this person may have been flirting with you, so it's normal to want to flirt back if you find him appealing, however in this case in particular I think it's more that you're just so unhappy in your marriage that you're reaching out to anyone who will listen to you. So I wouldn't say break up your marriage FOR that guy (like don't have your mind set on him), but from what you've said you are in an unhappy and dysfunctional relationship and you need to decide what's best for you right now.

Talk to your partner candidly and tell him why you're unhappy and what you want to change in order for the marriage to work. If he doesn't comply, begin the separation process. It's a simple procedure that comes with all the complications of emotion, but it can be done. Then you can go about finding out who you really are, and eventually you'll find the right person to make you happy. Good luck!!
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Anonymous
Think well before you make a decision on Dec 07, 2013 @ 02:26 pm

Its perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Maybe weight all the pros and cons, think about your children, what's the best for them. Are you really hating your husband in a way that you can't stand him? Then yes, maybe is better to leave than to hate him even more. Do you still have feelings for him? Can you leave on your own? Think about all those things. Could be just a temporary phase that yout're going through.
About the other guy, its easy to be nice to other women when they dont live with them, usually is what happen, once the relationship starts to get serious, things change and you are back to the same problem. (not saying that this is what will happen, but usually is) My advice is think well so you dont make mistakes and regret your decision. Good luck and be happy!!!!!
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Anjanie777
what to do? ....think of love on Dec 08, 2013 @ 12:35 am

This is a very personal and sensitive topic for anyone. The very fact you are questioning yourself is actually a good thing. It shows you have a conscience and that you also have morals where family is concerned. I will begin by giving my opinion on the school campus guy, then your situation with your husband, and the possibility of separation/divorce.

The campus guy : I believe at first, he was nice to you because it is his job, and if he is under 30 and also not married, (maybe some guys who are married do this), he was flirting with you. You are attractive (I'm going to say you are!), you are most definitely young, and although you think you don't exude confidence and self-esteem, you did just that when you walked into that office on campus, and made up your mind to be independent again, and take your future in your own hands by making you a more smarter woman. When you cried, you illustrated to him that you were vulnerable, but not in a bad way. In a way that made him see how strong you were. Mind you : if you mentioned your unhappy marriage, he may see this as an "in".

Here is where things get tricky : you asked if he likes you, well the duh! answer is yes! The very fact he asked you for your number shows he likes you. You mentioned that he had your number, but technically he didn't. The school did. He works for the school. So he cannot just take your number from the school files. He can however, ask you personally. There is nothing taboo about this, should it become a relationship. As long as he isn't a professor or your professor/teacher, you're fine to make it what you want, including a friendship.
I mentioned above, that your crying and talking about your hardships may have been seen as an "in". Here is what I meant : some people (men and women alike) see people in unhappy marriages and for them, it is a win-win situation. In this case, he doesn't have to commit (you are already in a committed relationship), he doesn't have to play Daddy to the children, he doesn't have to "take care" of you financially, and if anything bad happens, there is nothing to keep him there.
He can have his fun, and he knows you are willing because of your reactions (giving him your number), and your meetings each time on campus. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I am also assuming you want honesty out of us, so I'm giving it.

Now, the situation with your husband : I understand you have been consistently having problems with him. My question is, did you always have problems with him? Were there signs of this before marriage? Obviously you can't change your past, but you can your future, only now - your future is tied to your lovely children's. If he weren't arguing with you, would you be flirting with the campus guy? I mean you could be flirting because you see you have nothing to lose either. However, think of this, if your husband hasn't cheated (I'm assuming he hasn't), and you are the one to, how do you think your children will feel? Do you think they may harbour resentment towards you? Have you considered couples therapy? I mean maybe before you consider divorce, exhaust all forms of solidifying the union. Spending alone-time (as in re-creating the times you had with him before marriage) to see if his attitude changes and how he reacts. If none of that works in reconciling the marriage, and your children constantly hear you fighting with each other, then maybe, divorce is a real option here.

Divorce/Separation : Okay, this is where things get tricky again. You are responsible FOR your kids, but you are not responsible TO your kids. I remember reading that in a divorce book, and thought it made so much sense. What that means is simply - you are responsible for making them healthy, have shelter, food, clothing etc., but you are not responsible to them. You do not have to stay in an unhealthy unhappy marriage because you believe it is your responsibility to do so. If you are fighting around them, they may think it's their fault. If you get divorced, they may also connect that to the arguing, and blame themselves. It all depends on the ages of your children. If they are under 4 y/o, then honestly, you may be doing them a favour by exiting the marriage now. If they are older, unfortunately, they may develop feelings of shame, crave attention in destructive ways (eating disorders, bad behaviour in school), they may believe there is no such thing as love, or all families end up divorced, and as I mentioned before, if you initiate the divorce, they may harbour resentment. Mind you they may harbour it against their dad as well, if you tell them it is because daddy treated you badly (I suggest not doing that- especially if he is a good father to your children). You don't want them to have to choose between parents. You want them to understand that adults have problems like this, but harm does not have to come out of it. And mommy and daddy are happier apart than they are together. With young children, its hard to tell if they understand or gage how their reactions are- usually a teacher in school can tell, because they end up spending a lot of time with a student in a non-home setting.

There are so many aspects to your decision and dilemma, and most of the advice thus far seems consistent. Ultimately, the choice and decision is yours to make.
I think what all of us on here agree on, is that you to think long and hard about your next move.

I wish you the best, and hope better things for you in the future. Whatever that may be.

Take good care!
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scamp101
I understand! on Dec 14, 2013 @ 09:52 pm

I totally understand your situation..I've been there. I got married to my husband when I was 20 and he never really wanted to marry me either. I was pregnant at the time. I have always stayed at home and tried to be a good wife and mother but I can't say the same for my husband he used to go out ALL the time when we had little ones and I felt so lonely and rejected. When one of his friends started giving me more than just friendly attention I started to give the same back. Well it all felt good and was fun for a while but when things started to go bad they went really bad. Eventually I started to realize I really did want my husband and he grew up a little bit more and started being a better father and husband. Things are not perfect now, but they are def better than before. You are young still and feel like your missing something, but try and stick it out. Pray to God for your marriage, your husband and your self. In time things may get better.
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