Married with best friend... but no sex


CACP
on Mar 01, 2012 @ 04:21 pm

Few months before i got married to my best friend but surprisingly we yet to have sex...
Weeks before we tried once but I had pain and little blood :(

Its true that I m little reluctant to watching porn movies and I conveyed same to him.
He said , no issues and he love to know that i m away from all this bad world.

We love each other so much , we care for each other. After work we spend time in watching TV and playing indoor games. We love to spend time together.

At night we hug and go to sleep and no further things.
But from last week we both have started worrying about our sex life :(
 


8 Replies


mamaluv
Normal to hurt the first time on Mar 01, 2012 @ 04:40 pm

Were you a virgin when you got married? It's very very normal for it to hurt the first few times. It's normal to not experience pleasure the first few times, even for the first few months until you really start to understand what pleasures you and what pleasures him.

You guys should not take one bad experience and use this as a reason not to try again. Buy some personal lubricant and make sure you are both in the mood before things get physical. Set the stage with a couples' massage, romantic evening, hot kisses or other things that turn you both on. Watching TV and playing board or video games is not the same thing because you are focusing on an object, not each other.

Don't involve porn this early on. I know a lot of people have widely differing opinions on porn so I'm not going to get into the morality of it. That's an intensely personal choice.

But using porn this early in your relationship is a red flag to me. It is an external object you're using in your intimacy at a stage where you guys have to first establish your base. It's different if you use it later on to spice up your sex life, if you choose to do that.

I also have to wonder if there are other things going on here. My first time was very painful, as I know to be true with most others. Yet like most others, I was still very eager to share this with my man and so my fears of discomfort were overridden by my desire for intimacy. The fact that you guys got scared off after just one try tells me there is something else in play.

Keep at it! This is truly a situation where practice makes perfect. And if you can't resolve it on your own, it's time to talk to a sex therapist. If you are a person of faith, there are sex therapists who share your faith and can help you in a way that is sensitive to your beliefs. Most of all, don't allow sex with your husband to become a shameful thing. Sex is designed to bond couples - this is scientific fact as well as based in many religious faiths (and plenty of non-religious people believe this too).

Good luck, and don't be afraid to fight for your intimacy! It's a celebration of your relationship, not a curse to be endured like some of our ancestors believed.
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Ali de Bold
You need to deal with this on Mar 02, 2012 @ 10:01 pm

I completely agree with mamaluv. I actually know of one other situation like this, except the couple was married for 5 years before realizing it wasn't going to work with no sex. They are now divorced. You absolutely need to deal with this now. I agree you two should see a sex therapist. Don't put this off.
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takoda
Both Ladies are right on Mar 03, 2012 @ 12:26 pm


No matter how much you say you love
one another with out sex I can't see it lasting. Pain and bleeding are normal
if you have never had sex before and it will go away. If you can't work this
out on your own, then you both should go see a sex therapist. You have to go
together, not just you going and him asking you what they said. Try not to
worry, but do keep talking about this with one another and find a good
therapist that can help you both get past this. In the long run you'll both be
so happy that you did. Good luck and hugs to ya.


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Anonymous
i had the same problem on Mar 09, 2012 @ 10:48 am

I had the same problem when I got married. It was painful ... it took us one whole WEEK of trying - no joke - to even get it IN. After it was in I wouldn't let him move 'cuz it was painful. Poor guy..lol But I LOVED my husband so much, I RESPECTED him so much and wanted to be a part of him and share this thing with him that I've never shared with anyone else, so despite the pain (and he was extremely understanding and patient with me through it all), I kept insisting we try everyday. He tried his best to please me (kissing, touching, especially touching down there..) which made my eagerness to get through the pain as much a physical wish as it was a mental one.

Long graphic story short, it took us MONTHS but now (we're almost 2yrs married) we can have sex with pleasure and not pain.

Point is, we kept trying. You have to try, and you have to talk to each other. I was able to be really open with him and talk to him, tell him what he does that i like, what he does that i don't like. I guess i was that free with him 'cuz he was really open with me. He wasn't embarrassed so it made me unembarrassed.

moral of the story is: you're not alone in the pain game. first few times (more like first year!) is painful. But you can't give up, you have to keep trying. Make trying into a game. Don't let it become a chore or something you tick off your list. The more you keep at it, the more you'll enjoy it and less the pain will be.

Good luck!!

Oh yea, personal lubricants are awesome. But beware, there are quite a few out there so do your research. Or tell him to do his research and buy something.
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Ali de Bold
Coconut Oil on Mar 09, 2012 @ 02:32 pm

I agree lubricant is a really good idea to help with the pain. If you aren't using condoms you could also try coconut oil as a lubricant. It can be a massage oil too ;). But like I said, don't use it with a condom because it could compromise the condom.

Have things gotten any better for you since you originally posted?
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beachbabe
Honeymoon on Mar 12, 2012 @ 12:50 pm

Things worked pretty well for us fortunately in the beginning but of course there's still learning to be done, especially if you waited for marriage. Regardless of your particular situation, I strongly recommend a honeymoon! We went to Banff for only about 4 or 5 days but we still talk about how much fun we had! And I don't just mean the sex part. The time away from everyone and everything leads to focus completely on each other even when out and about site seeing. The whole point of a honeymoon is to allow you to learn more about each other (both in the bedroom and outside). And it's no secret that your emotional relationship effects your physical and vice versa.
Even if you've already had a honeymoon, there's always room for another!
Go away if you can! Even just to the next town over for a 3 day weekend. Buy some new lingerie, have a romantic dinner and walk, etc. You won't believe how much it strengthens your bond in only a few days. That's what honeymoons are for!
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CACP
Thanks... on Mar 12, 2012 @ 07:51 pm

First of all thanks to all of you for wonderful replies.

Actually when we got married we knew that within a month we both are going to fly to other country and going to stay there for more than 1 year. So instead of going for honeymoon we decided to spend remaining days with family and relatives. And we enjoyed a lot, I got introduced to a new big family, and it was very nice to be a part of such a wonderful family.

Even my friends were saying it is a good decision because anyway you guys will have 1 year honeymoon as you two will be alone there.

After coming here we started a new life and everything has to start with scratch. We took a house on rent and together we setup all things at home. We were new to all this but it was a learning experience for both.

But after coming here one thing I have experienced, when we were newly married and surrounded with family, we both used to seek for privacy to hug, kiss, touch… and we used to got very less time but I can that was a quality time, exploring new thing about each other. And here we are losing that great feeling slowly, when I shared this same thing to my husband, he smiled and said..
Yes, it is true … sometime full freedom is a bad thing ?. We know that all time is ours only and no one is around so there is no need to seek for privacy.

Beachbabe said about honeymoon and I strongly feel that yes it is very important to have dedicated time for each other. Although we think that all time is ours only but there are so many works to be done in home managing, I always have something on mind, like before sleeping I need keep something in refrigerator or milk is going to finish in next 2 days n all. So at home it is little difficult to take our mind out from all this. May be learning good management must be a way…

Coming to the main point…
After that day when I had lot of pain and blood, we did not try that for couple of week, in between I had my menstrual cycle. So it was almost a month that we did not even try.
During this period I saw my husband doing had massage by himself, after couple of time I started feeling guilty on myself. I was feeling.. It is because of me, that I could not satisfy his need and he has to do this by himself.

One I share my feelings with him.

His reply made me more close to him.

He said “please don’t feel this way; think in broader way, I may be lacking in taking you that point where you can feel more pleasure than your pain. Don’t take blame on yourself and start feeling like this.”

It is right that we are finding it difficult in starting but it is common problem. Sex is not only life, he want to live a balanced life. He likes to play tennis, explore more knowledge on Galaxies. So he wanted me to take out some time for myself, like before marriage I used to do painting and sketching. He said don’t work so much in home making, he will love see me if I am enjoying my life to pursue my hobbies and live balanced life.

He said one more wonderful thing for me. Give priority to myself then you will find many things to for yourself. I guess only one true friend can say this to you, husband may not :)

And about sex life, he don’t worry, I will enjoy this once we go through all this.
This weekend we had sex. I can’t say that we have reached a point of pleasure but yes we are on the way. I feel great pleasure when he kisses or touches me but when we starts actual thing, pain take over the pleasure. May be some more try and pain will vanish out.

Thanks for suggestion given by mamaluv and ali-de-bold

Once again thanks to all of you for posting replies.

I really love my husband … he is a very good analyzer and adviser too…
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Ali de Bold
Keep at it! on Mar 12, 2012 @ 09:41 pm

The more you do it, the less it will hurt. Promise! So glad you two are working on it. It only gets better from here :)
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