on Sep 22, 2011 @ 06:19 am|
Help! My ex bf, and I were together for 3 years. My ex boyfriend is sweet, romantic, spontaneous etc I can go on for days lol..but he has a hard time opening up to me, and very stubborn. He doesn t express himself a lot. That is very stressful! That s where a lot of our arguing came from.. Me trying to figure out, and guess what was going on in his head. He would just get angry,shut down, and say..I m not discussing this right now, and the issue would go unresolved. Then within the next two days he would act as if we never had the argument. That always frustrated me because I like to talk about how we can solve an issue..Conclusion.. I ended the relationship.... after that we had NC(no contact) for about 5 months. I was near his job one day, contacted him to possibly see him. He answered, he sounded happy to hear from me at first after we hung up. He told me to stay by his job, and he would meet me outside.Then he called me back like 5 minutes later and He said not to ever contact him again! He said his guy friend told him it wasn t a good idea to see me.. I replied: I m sorry I bothered you, have a good day. I was so hurt! but I also expected that to happen..so I proceeded go my own way, then I see him outside. I walk past him, i don t even look in his face. He follows me, we start talking, and it did not go well. He started arguing with me, and I say: I didn t come to argue. I just wanted to see how u were doin. He calms down. He asked me how were things going with me. He gives me a hug, and walks away. It was a really short and brief meeting..so after that I didn t hear from him NC (no contact) in 2 months. He contacts me 2 months later saying he wants to return a picture of mine, and he wants to drop it off after he gets off work or on his day off .He wrote this via email: (I want to return ur pic to u since were no longer together. I told him to keep the pic, but he insist on giving it back..so now I m confused! Is he doing this for closure or is he using giving my picture as an excuse to see me? What should I do????
|mail on Sep 22, 2011 @ 09:51 am|
Tell him to mail it to you. That will force him to make his intentions even more clear. How?
Since it costs more money in gas to drive to your place to drop it off in person than it costs to buy a stamp, his agreement to this plan will demonstrate that he meant what he said (about simply wanting to return it).
His disagreement will suggest that he wants something out of the conversation - closure, reunion, who knows?
You guys broke up for good reasons I'm sure, and it sounds like things are still a little unsettled between you two so it would be smart to tread carefully.
Good luck, and let us know how it works out!
|@mamluv on Sep 22, 2011 @ 10:01 am|
Thank you for ur response. There s a part of me that wants to see him,
but the other part is telling me not to. Since our last encounter didn t
go so well, I m scared our second encounter might be worse. That s a
good idea. I will tell him to mail it to me. I will keep u updated.
|Hey @lover! on Sep 22, 2011 @ 01:08 pm|
I agree with @mamaluv, get him to mail it to you. I think a part of him is probably really hurt by you- judging by the way he acted. If he is happy one minute and then yelling, arguing and getting confrontational the next, it would seem to me that he is partially still hung up on you.
I think maybe you trying to get in contact with him and then refusing to see him is sending mixed messages.
Are you sure you are over him too? I think you need to decide how you feel and be sure not to hurt him or yourself! Good luck! xxoo
|@alexjc on Sep 22, 2011 @ 02:04 pm|
I agree w/ you. I don t feel i m sending mixed messages. I was near his
job. i knew in my heart it wouldn t be a good idea to see him, but i
couldn t help it. Maybe it was selfish on my part, but maybe deep down
inside I was hoping for a different response from him. I thought he may
have been more cool about it. i guess I was wrong. This is the first
time we ve been away from each other for this long so i really didn t
expect him to react that way. Then for him to contact me via email "on
my birthday" telling me he wants to drop off a picture of mine to me. He
knew it was my birthday, and he acted as if he didn t know. I feel like
he s trying to set me up, to get me upset when i see him, and i m not
trying to find out. maybe i m just paranoid because he acts out of
anger. If i were to see him again I would not act angry, but now i m
not so sure w/ him since I ve seen his last actions. I don t think it
would be a good idea to see him right now, unless he opens up, and tell
me the reason he wants to drop off a pic that I clearly stated he can
keep.I doubt he will open up. He never does! I would like to know his
motive, but i m not trying to find out by getting a pic from him
|A few thoughts on Sep 22, 2011 @ 03:45 pm|
I think mamaluv is totally right. It sounds to me like he wants to see you, whether to get closure or even get back together. Maybe he doesn't fully understand why you broke up with him and he's still feeling hurt and confused. On the other hand, he might know exactly why and is prepared to give it another try. If that's the case, I think it's a good idea to evaluate why you want him to open up more. Is it because you feel closer and more intimate when he shares with you? Do you feel it strengthens your relationship? Is it because you fear he's thinking of someone else or doesn't love you, etc?
In our premarital counselling, our pastor explained a girl's need to talk and have meaningul conversations. This is one way we feel loved and appreciated and close to someone (girl friends, husbands, boyfriends, etc). So he explained to my husband that this is a need I have and now it becomes his job to meet that need, even though he doesn't need to have discussions like that to feel love from me. And now, he sometimes takes me out on a "date" for lunch or coffee so that I can have that personal face-to-face time with him. And because I share, he naturally shares as well.
My point is this: let's say the 2 of you decide to get back together. I'd explain to him that you feel more secure in your relationship when you can freely communicate. Eventually, because you're open, he may open up without even realizing it.
But at the end of the day, if he can't give you what you need in the relationship and this results in the same fights over and over, then I don't think it's worth the effort. Your needs clearly clash and that won't result in a happy relationship.
Also, ask yourself how you would approach him when trying to figure out what's in his head. It's so easy for guys to feel cornered even when we approach them in what we feel is a gentle way.
Most of what I said of course really applies to the situation if he wants to get back together. In the mean time, the mailing idea is a great one!
|@beachbabe on Sep 22, 2011 @ 05:16 pm|
I m happy for u that you, and ur husband were able to come to an understanding. It s work in progress and two people have to be willing to compromise, sacrifice, and love unconditionally without faulting one another s short comings, what ever they may be. I really miss my boyfriend, but this time I m trying to think with my head instead of using my heart. I know what the outcome may be. If he would only take a step to opening up, and just tell me the reason he wants to see me, that s a little progress. Like I mentioned he s a great guy, we all need a little work. i m trying to work on myself daily and it s not easy.
I m praying for the day he s able to open up..even if it s a just a little in due time. My fingers are crossed.If not, I will just have to move on :(
Thank u all for ur responses. I feel I ve made the right decision by telling him to mail the pic. I will keep u all posted :)
|@lover on Sep 22, 2011 @ 05:39 pm|
Good for you for using your head and not your heart! It's so easy for us to act on our emotions. And that usually ends up being quick decisions that backfire.
You're handling this very well! You're very strong. And you're right, a little progress would be a step in the right direction. But if not... you know what to do :)
|@beachbabe on Sep 22, 2011 @ 10:56 pm|
Thanks. I m trying to be strong.
|@lover on Sep 23, 2011 @ 01:16 pm|
I think @beachbabe brought up a really good point about how women and men connect differently and how we can all be on such different pages on the same issue!
If being open and intimate is so important to you and if this ex can't provide it maybe it is time to move on, find what you deserve and let him grow to find what deserves! It sounds like he needs some space to become his own person?
Good luck! xoxo
|Alexjc on Sep 23, 2011 @ 04:48 pm|
I guess I take it to heart when I can t get through to him, but when he want s to know anything of me I have to discuss it right then and there..or there will be another argument! I m realizing in life even if u might not want to move on, u may have to. Nothing in life is ever guaranteed, but I m still staying optimistic.
Sometimes it hard to move on because u remember the good in that person, and the memories. You wake up and realize the person that made u laugh, and you created memories with is no longer there:(