on Mar 16, 2016 @ 10:44 pm

I need some outside our perspective advice chicks! So my husband and I continually have the same argument; after work he's typically in a piss poor mood and will be short and often rude to me. He says that because I know this I should just "suck it up" and do everything I can to make sure I'm trying to make him happy, essentially that I shouldn't let it upset me I should just take it. He says heist going to change and that we won't work out if I'm not willing to bend. 
I think it's incredibly unfair and almost cruel to ask that of someone. He can be short and mean with me and I'm supposed to just not only take it but cajole him into a better mood? 
He says he always does everything to make me happy, the trouble is I don't ask, nor expect any of the things he does so it's sort of ridiculous he expects such gratitude and then gets angry because he thinks I'm not doing enough in return. 
Is he right in thinking I should just take it? 

10 Replies

Everything on Mar 16, 2016 @ 10:45 pm

is also MY fault he says

. on Mar 16, 2016 @ 11:03 pm

Definitely not! Anything that's happened at work should stay there and never be brought home. I understand that you guys should always try and keep each other happy, but I don't agree that you should HAVE to make him happy, I find that really unfair. I would be upset also if my SO came home everyday in a foul mood and expect things from me, so I don't blame you at all! And No, it's not your fault, he chooses to be that way, not you. Hope things get better for you girl!

. on Mar 16, 2016 @ 11:07 pm

No , definetly not. You have a right to feel the way you do. my husband used to be the same until i snapped one day telling him that he cant treat me the way he does and that I dont have to cater to him and his happiness. When he comes home from work her should be asking you how your day went and vice versa and then he can ask if you can make him some food or massage or what ever . but in no way do you need to feel the need to make him happy and feel bad if you dont do what he thinks you should.
You just need to stand your ground and try talking to him about it and see how he reacts and what he says,

I really hope it all works out . good luck and keep me posted :)

. on Mar 17, 2016 @ 12:06 am

It is NOT your fault. You know while reading I knew exactly what kind of frustration you must have, because I went through the same with my soon to be ex-husband. He had the right to be an asshole to me and expect me to accept it and try and make him happy.. and then i thought to myself.. what about what makes me happy ?
Now this isn't the reason why I am getting a divorce, but it is totally unfair to ask someone that. You should just try and talk to him and make him understand your feelings, maybe he can see your point of view. dont argue but talk to him when its not happening cuz ur going to be pissed and we dont choose our words wisely when mad lol Hope all goes well take it easy xo

men on Mar 17, 2016 @ 12:46 am

We all agree that love and respect is a two way street. Sometimes men and women feel they are taken for granted and that can cause arguments and bad feelings. It could be possible he had a bad day at work and needed to talk it out. You did nothing wrong. It might be that he just feels maybe you should support him more and talk things out with him about work etc. Just guessing.

. on Mar 17, 2016 @ 12:47 am

Absolutely not! Being happy is a personal responsibility and choosing to be happy or in a rotten mood is something you alone have power over. Therefore, him blaming you or expecting you to change the situation is unnecessary and just another way of not owning up to his own behaviour. Essentially, he has disempowered himself and has learned that the minute he gets home he can act helpless and angry.

The important thing to keep in mind is to not behave in a rotten mood yourself, just because he comes home feeling this way. Don't let it rub off on you, but instead remember that it's something he needs to deal with and the way you react will make all the difference. Be happy on your own accord. You also have a choice -joining the grumpy club or setting an example of talking respectfully and enjoying life. The only person you can ever control is yourself and your own mood. It's difficult, at times, when our partner is angry or frustrated that you can't help but feel the same way. It's best to avoid this trap and set the example instead.

I would let him know how this makes you feel, without insulting him, of course. Using "I" statements help. For instance, instead of addressing the situation as something he's doing wrong, focus on how the grumpiness itself makes you feel.

An example of an "I" statement you can use is: "When I see you in a bad mood after work, I feel worried and saddened that your day wasn't great. I hope, now that you're home, you can confide in me and we can focus on good thoughts together and maybe find something fun to do. Do you have any suggestions of what you'd like to do to help get your mind off work?". This last question is giving him back the responsibility to think of ways that he can change the situation, instead of unloading it all on your shoulders. If he can't answer you right away, let him know that he can take the time he needs and approach you when he's ready.

If, on the other hand, he starts blaming you for his grumpiness, I would say, "When I'm being blamed for something that was out of my control, I feel hurt and unappreciated. I'll give you the space you need to think about where your anger is really stemming from." Then, walk away and continue doing what you were doing before this all began and leave him on his own to think. If he tries to have a conversation, but still doesn't address what he did wrong, repeat how you're still feeling hurt because he's choosing not to acknowledge his actions and how that's not fair.

After he has, hopefully, apologized, encourage him to come to you if he feels he needs to get something off his chest about what happened at work, but remind him that you're not the enemy, but his partner. Let him know that you want to see him happy, just like you hope and expect him to want for you, if there ever comes a time when you're having a bad day.

I really hope this works out for you. Remember to be patient and to keep your cool. We tend to rationalize better that way. Good luck!


. on Mar 17, 2016 @ 10:32 am

Its definitely not your fault and you should not let him treat you this way,if he had a bad day at work he should not come home and take it out on you.Respect is so important and he should be giving you the same respect that you show him.If hes mad,he should sit down and talk to you about his day and what went wrong,instead of being rude to you,he is being so unfair to you and he should Apologize for his terrible behavior,I wish you the best of luck

. on Mar 17, 2016 @ 11:17 am

Not your fault. It sounds like he's really unhappy at work and taking his unhappiness and frustration out on you, which is not okay.

We should do nice things for our partners without expecting to be showered with praise. Perhaps he's depressed? Maybe couples counseling would be beneficial to both of you? Maybe you could sit down at a time when he is calm and talk to him very calmly about how things have been going lately and how it makes you feel really down. Suggest things that could help both of you. If it's his work, could he transfer to a different department? Or even consider a different job or going back to school?

Let him know how you feel. Partners need to have open communication and respect for each other. The thing I find most concerning is that he tells you 'suck it up' when he's being rude to you. That's not acceptable. Good luck.

. on Mar 17, 2016 @ 11:36 am

definitely not your fault and you shouldn't always have to accomodate his bad moods. I'm speaking from experience because my hubby doesn't always come home in a great mood and is sometimes short with me but I've learned that it isn't my fault and he's not mad at me. You have to put up with it to a certain extent. It is not your fault and you shouldn't have to always put up with it. like it's been mentioned, you need to have an open line of communication. all the best

. on Mar 19, 2016 @ 04:01 am

I'm all for communication but at this point things seem so out of control that if it were me I would not be home when he gets home and give him a half hour or so to destress - without taking his crap out on you.
Has he gone through changes at work? New job? Work in oil & gas? Any economic downturn in his field of work? Cutbacks? New boss?
It seems we always take out our irritations on those closest to us. It's not right, but it seems to be the norm.
As I said I would give him space for a week or so and take care of yourself - I'm sure you've probably got some anxiety now about him coming home. So some space might be good for both of you.
Leave a note - dinner's in the oven, be home soon or whatever you need to do even if it's just going for a walk.
Try talking to him when he's not stressed - after he's come home and had dinner. Share a beer with him and just tell him how you feel avoiding things like "you always" "you never" "you make me" and say "I feel **** when we argue about ***" "I feel" "I think", etc.
I'm new to being married (just been 10 months) but I've been in several long term relationships and communication is key.
Good luck. Most of us have been there at one time or another and it's so incredibly frustrating.
I journal now. It's helpful to me.

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