More then friends...


Anonymous
on Oct 21, 2010 @ 11:29 pm

Ok ladies, I need some help, I've been going crazy for months and I finally broke down and decided to ask for advice.




So heres the deal, I've been friends with this guy for about 6 years, we havent always been close but we've gotten closer over the past year. For many many months we've been hanging out going for dinner and coffee consistently and not surprisingly I've developed a bit of a crush on my friend. I love spending time with him and get butterflies when I know we're going to hangout.

Heres the problem, he hasn't tried anything with me....EVER. I don't know if he likes me in that way. Sometimes I feel like maybe he does, he puts in that extra effort calling or texting just to say hi, paying for dinners etc. But there are times when we dno't talk as often and he seems somewhat distant for brief moments.

I need all the help I can get. Ladies, what would you do?!

 

16 Replies


mamaluv
He's not a mind reader... and neither are you on Oct 22, 2010 @ 09:40 am

There is only one way to figure this out and that is to ask him.

However, it seems to me he's not really giving you many signals to act on. It might be one thing if he wasn't overt about his feelings, but the pulling away distance thing is not a great sign. If he was seriously interested, he might be shy but never distant.

Perhaps you've given off vibes that make him think you're not interested. Do you talk a lot about other guys? Do you make statements about not wanting to be tied down/in a committed relationship?

All of this doesn't mean though that you can't have something more with him. Maybe you should not approach this so much as a best friend transitioning into something more, but rather how you'd ask anyone out. What's your M.O.? If you fall back on a familiar routine, you might find the actual asking part easier. Then, if things work out, your relationship will be all the easier to build because you have this great basis.

Be prepared for your relationship to change if he says no, too. It may be awkward for a while until you guys get over any embarrassment, but you can still have that friendship if you both want it.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

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jchang212
Hmm on Oct 22, 2010 @ 03:08 pm

Wow, mamaluv, you are seriously an archive of information and experience!

Anyway, i agree with what mamaluv said... if he's seriously interested, there'd be no reason for him to be distant, unless he's had thoughts about it but didn't think you were interested at all so he moved on.

since you guys are such great friends, maybe somehow move into a conversation where you ask him if he's ever liked you before? cause if he did then there's always a chance of recurring affections.

Best of luck!
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Anonymous
You're right on Oct 22, 2010 @ 07:56 pm

You ladies are definitely right, I need to man up somehow and let him know how I feel.... eventually. I'm terrified to though. But like you said, he might think I'm not interested in him that way, I probably haven't sent out those kind of vibes as much as I should for fear of rejection. Plus he's a very shy guy so I realize that I shouldn't hold my breath for him to make the first move. Thanks ladies, I hope I can muster up some courage before its to late :)
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Anonymous
Advice Needed on Oct 24, 2010 @ 01:00 am

While we're at it, have any of you ladies ever told a friend about having feelings for them? Or ever have a friend tell you they have feelings for you? I need some advice on how to tell him haha thanks so much!

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mamaluv
Someone once told me... on Oct 25, 2010 @ 10:15 am

A good guy friend once told me about his feelings. He was quite sweet about it - he sent me flowers and in the note clearly spelled out his intentions. In a way, it was nice to not have him ask me to my face because the pressure would have been uncomfortable.

However, I was dating someone else at the time (my future husband, as it turned out) and so I turned him down. I will admit that I was also a little shallow about it too, since I was not attracted to him physically - even if I had been single, I don't know if I would have agreed to date him.

We continued the friendship, but he would frequently draw comparisons between himself and my BF to try to convince me to break up. I didn't appreciate that and after several months we stopped spending time together.

But to get back to the point, I think what he did right was how he announced himself. It gave me time to consider my answer and call him back once I had decided.

That was back in the dark ages when not everyone had internet or text messaging, so these days you might immediately think of trying cyberspace. I would caution you a little there, and ask you to imagine how you'd like to be asked. Is a text message a good idea, even if it spares you both a bit of embarrassment? Texting is kind of... crass? Do you know what I mean?

An old-fashioned letter - now that shows you took time and effort, but still achieves the embarrassment sparing moment.

That's my 2 cents, anyway :) Good luck!
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TigerLilly
Extremely direct on Oct 28, 2010 @ 08:48 pm

I had a situation last year with one of my good guy friends. And I pretty much just asked him straight up, "Do you like me as more than a friend?". I don't think everyone can do this though. I'm a very, very blunt person and we were really good friends at the time so he knew me well enough to not be too phased by how direct the question was.

More-than-friends feelings were mutual and we kinda dated for a bit but it didn't last long. In my opinion he was treating me too much as a friend in terms of priorities and I wanted to be treated better by someone who is supposed to like me more. To me he was becoming like a jerk, probably because I expected more from him and he didn't think he needed to give me any more. I ended it a month or 2 later. We're not as good friends anymore but we're still friends.

I truly believe even if it doesn't work out, if you're good enough friends, you will last through the relationship. Maybe not right away and it might take a lot of work for both people but it can happen.
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Anonymous
Wearing your heart on your sleeve on Nov 11, 2010 @ 12:02 pm

Thanks so much for the advice. I think Im going to try your approach tigerlily and just ask him if he likes me as more then a friend. I guess if he says no them screw him I can at least move on. Do you think its ok to do it through text message?


I have a little more guts to do it that way haha. Im so nervous, I have a fear of him rejecting me, but I guess at this point its better to know then to have to keep wondering.

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mamaluv
erm... on Nov 11, 2010 @ 12:12 pm

texting is kinda tacky - gotta be honest there. I totally get the embarrassment avoidance thing and I'd probably be tempted to do the same! Email is also tricky. However, the face to face thing will put him on the spot and in case the answer is "no" you probably won't want to be standing there with your heart on a platter.

I think you should write him a note and give it to him in person, asking him to not open it until he's alone and to take his time responding.

However, he's a guy and probably doesn't over-analyze things quite the way we ladies tend to do! That's my 2 cents anyway. Good luck!!
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Anonymous
Great idea! on Nov 11, 2010 @ 12:29 pm

Thanks so much for the imput, I was going back and forth between doing it over the phone and via text message, but I like the idea of giving him more time to process it. This is 2010 and I figure its about time I act on my feelings!
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Ali de Bold
I like the note on Nov 11, 2010 @ 01:11 pm

If he doesn't like you, an in face conversation would be awkward for him because he won't want to hurt your feelings. If he does, well that face to face conversation could go very well, couldn't it? ;)
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