my ex just left me, im broken....

on May 17, 2013 @ 11:10 pm

I'm going thru a really hard time in life right now and that's even hard to say seeing as tho just a week ago I was what I thought the happiest I could be. My fiancé just broke up with me. Stating she does not look at me like that any more and that we have become codependent. but still loves me very much and its hard. We was always together (I know not good for a relationship). We have been together for 4 1/2 years, we just bought a house together ( just purchased a 1 1/2 years ago, and a child (from a previous relationship, but basically sees as own). I am totally and completely devastated. I know we had our problems as everyone does but we was happy for the most part. We are or was very affectionate, loving, caring and still love each other or so she says. We was always with each other which in turn I guess drove us apart. I need someone to talk to someone that's been there as right now im experiencing the worse pain I could ever imagine. Should I try and move on or stick around? we still live together.

5 Replies

Take A Break... on May 17, 2013 @ 11:37 pm

Wow, sorry to hear the awful news. Living together still is going to make it tough on you two. You could, in my opinion, take a break from one another. Go do your thing, she does hers, but if you can talk to her, let her know how much you still love her and care for her. Sometimes being around each other ALL the time makes for arguments that shouldn't have begun in the first place. Tell her you want to try and work things out; it's just that you need time and space to breathe a little. If you're serious about wanting to work things out, don't go looking for anyone else. Start by asking her how she feels about this and what she feels about the relationship. You and her just might have to come up with some way to makes things work. I don't mean to be rude here, but IF she's dead certain that she wants to call it quits, it won't be easy to deal with. You'll have to find a way and over time you will get over her. I know, it hurts to find out that the one person who you thought loved you no longer does. Thinking about her will only make things tougher. Do you have any friends/family, anyone you can talk to about this? You could always write your feelings down on paper. Write her a letter expressing your feelings toward/about her. I'm sure she'll come to her senses. I wish you nothing but the best, and my heart goes out to yours.

lost without my ex on May 18, 2013 @ 01:45 am

thank you so much for the reply. just feeling I have someone listening helps a lot. I don't really have anyone at all to talk to. Im usually a very private person. im just not ready to deal with all the questions and judgment from my family as far as friends not many we just moved here the ones we did have was shared and Im not looking to go there right now either. she seems to truly want to move on. which bothers me even more. but yet she says its hard for her and she's hurting as well. the problems we had wasn't anything that could not have been worked past. which hurts the most cuz I feel its like all that we had wasn't even worth the try. we told our kid the beginning of this week so im sure she at least currently feels its for good. we've never really done the break up make up thing. after we broke I cried, begged and pleaded we could work it out. pathetic I know. at first she agreed then the next day said she couldn't and that we'd both be unhappy and she would just end up cheating on me. wtf is that? to me if you Truly love someone, you make it happen. its not like I cheated or was abusive in any way. maybe she got bored. who knows what is going on in her mind. what is it dumpers think? shes very smart in that she knows we had a good thing. ppl go thru this all the time in relationships where you get comfortable with one another... but why does that even have to be a bad thing? and here I am like a fool weighing it back and forth in my head what it is and what to do. I know everyone is different and we all don't think the same and believe me she is as stubborn as they come. I just don't know whether to give her space and show her things can be better in the mean time or just to push her away and move on? I know once I get to that point and move on that that will be it. I also feel like even tho I hurt her that I deserve better. what to do?


Ali de Bold
Move out! on May 23, 2013 @ 04:29 pm

You need to move out right away. Seeing her every day will just make this worse for you. This sounds really awful and I'm sorry you are going through this. Let her find out what life is like without you. She will see very quickly whether she made the right decision or not.

The longer you stay there, trying to win her back the harder it will be on your self-esteem and the more it will push her away.

Be strong, take care of yourself and find yourself somewhere to stay immediately until you can get your own place.

issues with ex... on May 27, 2013 @ 12:23 am

thanks for the reply. moving out just isn't an option any time soon. she will be moving out one day but we have many shared expenses and are trying to do whats best for our child. so tonight she revealed the real kicker to this story... 4 1/2 yrs together and what seemed to be the perfect relationship, love, commitment, shared happiness, laughter, unconditional love and then she tells me that she can't commit to not only me or anyone that she can never see herself getting married or having kids with any one because she is too selfish and has some underlying issues that she doesn't understand (childhood/ parent issues) and that she is seeking help to figure out her problems. what is that? and out of no where. so the truth comes out about this break up. I feel like ive been with someone living a double life. or hell is it even the truth? I don't know what to believe any more. we always talked about having another child but about a year ago she revealed she never wanted this and that she only agreed to make me happy. which caused a lot of stress on our relationship. I could have dealt with that but at this point I feel as though I have been living a total and complete lie. she says she loves me and I am the perfect person to be with, but she clearly has issues. to the point she says all she wants to do is drink to ease her pain. because she is hurt from all this and cant forgive herself for doing this to me. if I wasn't broken before I am definitely am now. I know everything says run far away from this chick. but you cant control who you love. shes obviously going through a really hard time in life right now. she lost a parent a year ago. do I stand by her side through all this? or do I just look out for myself? this is really hard.

reply on May 27, 2013 @ 11:12 am

Whenever someone says "I love you, you are the perfect person to be with" but then says "I can't be with you" this tells me there's something else going on. Based on your side of the story, it sounds like she has some self-hatred going on. Losing a parent is a big deal but I have to wonder if that's the entire problem. It seems like there's something else going on.

"Underlying issues that she doesn't understand (childhood/parent issues" almost sounds like there was an abusive situation, and the death of a parent - whether it was the abuser or the other parent who allowed it to happen/didn't pick up the clues that it was happening - can certainly throw someone into a tailspin. Dealing with the pain by drinking is obviously unhealthy, but it suggests she's wanting to anesthetize herself and make the pain go away.

Bottom line is that she needs professional help.

One thing that's certain is that she's not in the right place to have a healthy relationship. Perhaps the fact that you were engaged was too much of a commitment for her right now. It is possible that she thought she was ready for this step but the pressure began to build and now she's buckling under the strain based on her past. Yet another reason for professional help.

She needs to deal with her demons. You sound like a caring person. Based on what you've told us, it sounds like this is not about you at all but rather about a person struggling to stay afloat and pushing everyone else away because she's afraid. Perhaps that gives you some encouragement.

But if that's true (big IF since we don't know any of her side of the story), that also means she needs a friend much more than a fiance or lover. Until she can deal with this baggage, it will loom over your relationship and cause unnecessary issues.

Encourage her to get some kind of counselling. If she can't afford/her insurance won't cover a regular therapist, there are other options. If she's a person of faith, many churches/etc offer counselling for low or no cost. There are also community groups out there that offer services for a sliding scale (kind of a "pay as much as you can afford to" type of arrangement).

Good luck! This must be so tough for you and your child. I hope it all works out in the end :)

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