on Jul 22, 2011 @ 01:30 am|
So Im totally new here.. first post, havent really done the forum thing much before. I stumbled across this site and thought why not..got a couple things that I think would be good to get an outside opinion on.
For example..I broke up with my ex last fall after about 5-6 years. (best decision of my life btw, about 3 years overdue) Since he moved in with his mom, he didnt have room for all of his stuff/furniture, and I felt kinda bad (plus still needed some of the furniture for a bit to be honest) so I said I could hang onto it for a little while, as long as we made arrangements periodically for him to come over and start moving his stuff out. This was supposed to be over the next couple months.
February I met the most amazing guy, and at this point he's moved in with me, and it almost feels like a fairy tale ending.
I'll admit a good chunk of my ex's (lets call him D) stuff is gone, finally. The problem is, he still has furniture and some odds and ends here (after nearly 10 months) and I dont feel right just throwing it out. But he'll call, and text, and inbox me on fb (unfriended but not blocked) pretty much harassing me for a chance to come over and get his things, but when he comes, he's running late, and has maybe an hour tops to slowly go through a box from storage, try and make small talk, then it'll end in one of 2 ways.. 1- he'll try to (for example) take my laptop because he thinks I owe him & it ends up in a screaming match with me having to threaten to call the cops in order to get him to leave. Or 2- he'll end up only having a box or 2 of stuff to take with him, which results in a couple weeks later, him coming by for an hour or so, etc etc.
(I apologize for the length, just wanted to get the background info in)
I dont know anymore how to deal with this. Im getting advice from all over the place, but I'll admit the advice may be biased because none of my friends are really a fan of D's. I've been told that legally after 6 months of him gone, he has no legal right to come in if I decide to refuse him, and I should just throw out his stuff, or give him a weeks notice and say (for example) Saturday afternoon I'm putting everything out back by 3pm, if you want your things thats your chance, I even had someone say that if I felt bad about just getting rid of everything, to borrow a truck and dump everything on his moms front lawn.
I've more than moved on emotionally, I dont even hate him, which is why Im reluctant to just throw his things out I think. I just want this last tie to be cut finally, Ive let go but he seems to still be hanging on for dear life. And I deffinitly dont want this to cause any issue with my bf, he's been more than understanding, but he hates it when D starts calling/texting constantly, and I understand that & dont blame him at all for not liking it.
Long story short... has anyone dealt with something similar, and any advice, or other course of action that I may not have thought of? Any input at all is much appreciated :)
|Not a bad idea. on Jul 22, 2011 @ 09:02 am|
First of all, have a chocolate! You went through quite an emotional toll! I'm impressed at how strong you are.
I personally have not gone through anything similar, but if I were to give an unbiased opinion, I believe that you are a kind person who has just reached the end of her rope.
I agree when your friend said to borrow a truck and give everything back. I wouldnt' say to dump it on his mom's lawn, but maybe if you deliver all his things for him, it will be a sign that you prefer not to have these kinds of meetings anymore, where all he does is lounge around and get lazy.
Then again, if my mom were to hear what I just said, she'd probably retaliate with "he just wants that because he's cheap and lazy and just wanted you to do everything for him"
So...I hope he's not one of those guys!
and even if he were, you have basically won this relationship with your new guy, and how stable you appear to be now without him. In the end, I think you've come out with the better end of the stick :) (is that how the phrase goes?)
Good luck with this ordeal! I really hope things look up for you soon :)
|agree on Jul 22, 2011 @ 09:53 am|
I agree with @jskim07.
You said something really important: "I've more than moved on emotionally, I don't even hate him..."
First of all, good for you! Forgiveness and closure is the best thing you can do for yourself and will bode well for your future with this new guy or whoever you end up spending your life with.
Second, I would just ignore whatever read-in-between-the-lines message you think you might be saying depending on what you decide to do. At this point, the goal is to end this once and for all.
If you want to keep his stuff, as you said you're probably legally entitled to. However, it might remind you of him for years and the last thing you need is more baggage. I would get rid of it, as well as any special gifts he's given you over the years that might make you think of him. Ex-boyfriend jewelry is a really sensitive thing so if you keep it be sure you're up front about it with your new man.
I think you should go ahead and borrow a friend's truck. Call your ex's parents and arrange a time to stop by with his things so that you're not dumping and running. That's rude, even if he has been a jerk. Another big goal is to not make matters worse.
Whatever you do, just do it already. Allowing this to stretch out will only make it more complicated. Either claim his stuff for your own and tell him to take a hike, or give it back and dust your hands of the whole mess. After you've made your decision (and informed him either way), go ahead and block him on Facebook, email and your phone since he's verbally abusive and so that you don't have to deal with this anymore.
Good luck and keep us posted!
|Everyone has a limit on Jul 22, 2011 @ 09:55 am|
It seems like your ex still really wants you back. It's kind of nice to know that you've had such an effect on him but at the same time, it's intruding on your current relationship. Something like this happened to me before but not to the same extent so me and my ex didn't move in together. My ex would just constantly text me and call and come over to my house in the middle of the night, etc.
Anyways, from my past experience, I have learned that everyone has a limit and sooner or later, your ex will gradually stop and give up. What you need to do is to cut ties off completely by giving back everything you have that's his so that he doesn't have the excuse to come back. He'll probably think of something else though but in that time, pack up everything that belongs to him, and maybe just go to his place and drop it off? or even pack everything up and have a friend be there to meet him to pick him up to avoid further interaction with him since that's exactly what he wants. He seems to be quite persistent but eventually, he'll move on.
I hope this won't hinder your relationship with your current bf and hope that your ex will stop bothering you soon!
|Some people just need a good push on Jul 22, 2011 @ 11:22 am|
First off I will say the way he is acting is petty and childish, by trying to take you stuff (assuming it wasn't purchased jointly) and blowing up your phone saying he wants his stuff but then coming over and either a)not taking any of it or b)taking like one box. I think 10 months is a long time for your ex to get his stuff over a period of time.
I would gather all his stuff and put it in the garage or on the porch or at your front door when you guys arrange a time for him to get his stuff. This will prevent him from entering your house and trying to take your laptop etc. It will also prevent most small talk because he'll be going from the door to his car. Do not let him sort his stuff, tell him to sort it out at his own house.
You can also make a plan with for him to rent a truck and you will help him move stuff onto the truck. Again, have all his stuff outside and ready to move. Offer to help him move stuff off of the truck at his mom's place aswell.
If he accuses you of keeping stuff that is his or things that you guys bought together it might be worth it just letting some things go (the headache is not worth material items). That being said if it is rightfully yours, meaning you bought it with your own money (even if you borrowed money from his to buy it but you've paid him back), or if it was a gift, then stand your ground.
If he's still persistent then it might be time to make an end date. Tell him that by a specific date if he doesn't yet have all his stuff that it's going on the curb. You have been accommodating by hanging onto his stuff until he found space and allowed him to do this back and forth game. There is a line between being nice and being walked on. If he's putting stress on you and your new relationship then it's time to be firm and get his stuff out.
When his stuff is gone, cut all contact. He will find other reasons to call you, by cutting him out of your life he has no choice but to move on.
It may be harsh but I have no tolerance for games like this. He's probably already taken all the stuff that really mattered to him. You have your right to be happy and stress free with your new partner, sometimes you just gotta push the old one out.
Ali de Bold
|This is what you should do on Jul 22, 2011 @ 12:26 pm|
One of your own suggestions, is the perfect and most reasonable solution, "give him a weeks notice and say (for example) Saturday afternoon I'm
putting everything out back by 3pm, if you want your things thats your
Send him a letter or an email that you can track with the subject "Last chance to collect your things". Start by saying that you've been trying to get him to collect his things for months (be specific). Give him a reasonable time period such as a Saturday 2 weeks from now, between 10am and 6pm. Place the items (carefully) outside in a secure area and he can come and pick them up on the date specified. Arrange not to be home that day so he doesn't use it as an excuse to dawdle. Ensure that your letter says what will happen if he doesn't come and pick it up. Say something like, "if you choose not to pick up your things, I will assume you don't want it and arrange to have the items donated or disposed of." End the letter by saying you wish him the best of luck so it ends on a positive note.
I agree with you that he is using his furniture as an excuse to stay in touch. It's time he moves on. Should he ever try to take action against you, you will have proof that you gave him ample opportunity to collect his things and he chose not to.
Let us know how it goes!
|great point! on Jul 22, 2011 @ 12:31 pm|
I agree with Ali's statement about proof. Whether you choose to keep his stuff or donate it to charity/chuck it in the dump, make sure you protect yourself against any legal action he might take by covering your butt with a paper trail.
Be clear and concise and remember that this will be your evidence later. Good luck!
|thanks :) on Jul 24, 2011 @ 12:35 am|
Thanks for all the suggestions. :-) Today me and my bf went through everything else in boxes/laying around and we sorted through it ourselves, and got 'em stacked in a closet. I have to admit, even having those last few things packed up and out of sight feels good lol. So its really just the last few pieces of furniture, and Jesse and I talked today while going through everything about some of these options.
Its insane the difference in attitudes. Don't get me wrong, I don't compare, (I'd never insult Jess that way lol) but D is nearing 40, lives with his mother, and throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. And Jesse is about 10 years younger than him, and we can actually talk things through and figure out together.
I have all his facebook messages in my inbox, and there is one where said basically "i'll always care about you..blah blah.. do what you want with the stuff, I wont be angry"
...granted, the tried to start a fight thru texting 2 days later, but thats besides the point, I have it on record him saying to do what I want with it.
With any luck, soon this will be done and over with, and I can finally be done with the drama! Thank you all again for your input on this, I needed to hear opinions from people who weren't directly involved, helps me see different unbiased options. :-)