Porn Addicted Husband


Anonymous
on May 08, 2014 @ 08:32 pm

The never ending topic. This has been going on for years...he will never stop. I have cried in front of him and even threatened to leave. I have explained to him how much it hurts and how it affects our sex life. ( he will rarely initiate or will tell me he already got off etc and when we do it it takes a long time and he just closes his eyes and all i can think of is him picturing porn clips in his head and using me to masturbate himself ) I honestly have no interest in having sex with him any more. Our sex life is just not good. He is never intimate with me in other ways...never just kisses or cuddles me or massage. Never wants to spend time with me really. He just wants to be on his own and watch tv ( or whack off to porn in the bathroom or wherever ) He looks at it a lot. At least a few times a week. I haven't even brought it up to him since the last time which was like a year ago when I was pregnant. I just feel so stupid. I asked him to just use his imagination when he masturbates and he said he is not addicted but clearly he is. I love him a lot but honestly Im just so sick of this loveless relationship. I'm so jealous of everyone else who gets shown affection honestly. We have 3 kids and I don't want to leave him at all. We have had this discussion like a dozen times and he just puts it on me and says ok we need to spend more time together then and that he will stop wanking off to porn but nothing changes. The only time we go out is if I arrange it and its actually been years since he has planned anything for us. I guess I dont need to explain every detail but the reality is that I am not happy. I think sometimes I am but really I feel incredibly lonely and he knows this and really doesn't care. I am not the focus of his thoughts. I think he just wants me here to make him dinner and help pay for shit to be honest. He has no attraction to me and even turns his head away when I dress in front of him. So now I just dress in the bathroom because I know he doesn't want to look at me. Honestly I know we will never have what he had back because its gone for him ( not me ). Even when i hug him he will just like pat me on the back then say he has to go do somethign. But when I ask if hes still in love with me he always says yes and he says I love you too if I say it to him...Im just so confused. Im 28 and feel like I will never truly be in love again.......
 

14 Replies


Ali de Bold
This breaks my heart on May 08, 2014 @ 10:17 pm

This just made me so sad to read. This is exactly why I am against porn. So many relationships are ruined because of it. I can't even imagine how horrible this has been for you.

I hope you know this is entirely about him and not you. Please don't let this affect your self-worth. Going to change in the bathroom isn't right. Do not let his indifference make you make you feel bad about your body. Each of us are beautifully and wonderfully made. The porn industry sells such a ridiculous, unrealistic message about sex. I'm not sure if you've seen this thread in our forums. Porn stars are just regular women with implants:

http://www.chickadvisor.com/chickchat/news-and-issues/porn-stars-with-and-without-makeup/

This is not normal behaviour and this is not how a marriage is supposed to work. It's also not fair to your kids. Even if you two never fight about it in front of them, kids can pick up on if you are happy together or not.

I am by no means an expert on any of this, but if I were in your position, I would get in with a therapist right away. Probably a sex therapist, but definitely someone who specializes in couples therapy. If you are in Canada, there is free treatment available. You just need to ask your family doctor for a referral. I really think that is the only option for making things better because you can't go on like this forever. It's really unfair to you.

Keep us posted. Don't let this continue. You deserve better treatment from him.
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Anonymous
blah on May 09, 2014 @ 12:19 pm

We talked again today and he basically said he is sorry I feel that way but I have it all wrong and that every guy on the planet jerks off to porn there is nothing wrong with it. I said what about when it affects your marriage and sex life and he says I am twisting things around which I am not and then just walked away from me. There is no winning here. I'm starting to think I am just being unreasonable. Maybe I will just accept it and be sad forever. Oh well, at least he is a good Dad. I can always dream about having someone who loves me.
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mamaluv
RED FLAGS on May 09, 2014 @ 01:20 pm

"he basically said he is sorry I feel that way". This is NOT the same as saying "I'm sorry I've made you feel this way". And that is exactly what he should be saying.

Does every guy on the planet jerk off to porn? I think it's fair to say that the vast majority of guys (and probably girls) have looked at porn at least once in their lives, even for just a quick peek. The issue here is the frequency and how it's affecting your relationship. His excuse is ridiculous.

I personally am anti-porn but I think that there are very mature people and couples out there who are able to use porn in a way that does not disrespect their partners and both are on the same page. You could even say some of those sex help books (Kama Sutra, etc) are a form of pornography, whether they are used to enhance a couple's sex life or are used to fantasize about others outside of the relationship. So is there something inherently wrong with porn? That's perhaps for every individual to decide. It's not for everyone, that's for sure, so couples must be on the same page in that respect.

"At least he is a good Dad". Look, it's great if he spends time with them and makes sure they know he loves them. This is really important and I don't want to minimize that. But the first duty of every father should be to love the children's mother. If he's doing this, everything else happens automatically.

Consider how your kids are growing up. Are they seeing a healthy relationship? Are your sons going to grow up and act like this toward their wives? Are your daughters going to grow up and marry men who treat them this way?

As a mom, you need to make some tough choices. I absolutely agree with Ali that counselling is a must. If he won't agree, or if he goes but nothing changes, then you need to be prepared to move to the next consequence: trial separation.

Your kids deserve better. YOU deserve better. He has a problem and needs help. Leaving things as they are is enabling his behaviour.

We are here for you! *hugs*
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Anonymous
rrrrrrrrr on May 09, 2014 @ 01:34 pm

Thanks girls. It's very helpful. I realize how addictive porn can be and I've seen it before myself. I don't have an issue with a naked girl on TV or even him masturbating in the shower but his porn use ( a few times a week at least! ) has affected our relationship and it's hurtful that watching videos of naked girls isn't something he would be willing to give up for his own wife and security of his family. That fact alone disgusts me and makes me think he is a weak and pathetic pig. ( of course I haven't said that to him. )
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Anonymous
:( on May 14, 2014 @ 12:34 am

I really feel for you hun. I am going through something very similar at home and its really hard to get past. I know it doesn't sound ideal but if cannot stop for his wife who he says he lives than you may need to give him an ultimatum and possibly leave. I know it sounds hard but this is something I have even had to think about to be ensure that I am happy. Hope your situation gets better girl.
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Anonymous
well on May 14, 2014 @ 02:39 pm

I realize he doesn't care if I leave or he doesn't believe me because I have told him that abotu 3 times and no change so this week has been rough cause I'm seriously considering ti. At least a temporary split where I move out or he does and we figure things out
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Jess14
... on May 14, 2014 @ 04:33 pm

I know what you mean about him thinking he doesn't care if you leave, each time I tell my fiancé that I will leave if it doesn't stop he doesn't believe, why because I haven't left. So a few of my friends have suggested leaving even for a week or so to see how that goes.
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mamaluv
The Boy Who Cried 'Wolf' on May 14, 2014 @ 04:37 pm

If you are going to name a consequence, you should be prepared to follow through. In a certain sense, it's your fault that he doesn't believe you because you've demonstrated with your actions that you don't mean what you say.

Please understand that I don't mean this as a criticism. Just that this is the message you are unintentionally sending. I'm a parent, and I have learned the hard way that it's best to only name a consequence I can and will follow through on. If I say "you're grounded for a month" I know full well I'll forgive them long before that so that is a consequence I will never say.

In your case, if you don't think you can go through with actually leaving, then you need to say "I will not be intimate with you until this situation improves" or whichever consequence you think you have the strength to actually DO.

*hugs*
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Anonymous
yep on May 14, 2014 @ 04:46 pm

Yep. The problem is I don't know what to do. Maybe I should go see a counsellor or something. I don't want to leave him because I'm still in love with him but I don't want to be depressed because he watches so much porn, disrespects my feelings and is never intimate with me. ( he hasn't even slept in the bed with me forhm 2 years or more I think ) There's always a kid in there but still...Only time he really pays attention to me is 1-2 days after I get mad about porn or something then back tot he same old..It's hard not knowing what to do. I feel like if we didn't have kids I'd be gone though in a heartbeat. I'd miss him and be sad about it but really I still am sad too.
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mamaluv
Is that love?? on May 14, 2014 @ 05:10 pm

Are you in love with HIM or are you in love with LOVE? Based only on what you've shared (and obviously, he must have some redeeming qualities or you would never have been with him in the first place but let's set those aside for the moment) this does not sound like love. This sounds like a woman who for some reason thinks that this is the best she can hope for and can't do better.

I really sympathize with you about the children. I am from a broken home, and now that I have my own kids, I would do just about anything to keep my family intact. That said, my marriage is in really good shape (which is not to say we don't have our stressful times). In a perfect world, couples would get married, have kids, and grow old together. End of story.

But it breaks my heart to hear you basically say "this is it; this is the next 50 years for me so I may as well accept it."

Counselling, whether joint (ideal) or separate can be extremely helpful. You may hope you're shielding your kids--and maybe they are young enough that they don't catch onto everything--but I promise you they are soaking in this negativity.

Something HAS to change. This situation cannot continue like this. You and your kids deserve better. I'm even going to "go there" and say your husband deserves better (in the sense that no one deserves to be a slave to addiction, even if they do it to themselves. For many people it starts off as a casual thing but builds into an illness).

Make a change, even if it's the smallest thing like getting counselling for yourself. It can be so liberating to discuss these things with a trained professional who has seen it all before. Friends and family are too close to the situation and will inherit your bias. A new set of ears will look at the big picture and focus on guiding YOU to emotional and spiritual health.

It will start with you, and let's hope it ends with you TWO back on track and healthy. But whatever you do, don't throw in the towel and allow life to happen to you. Unless you believe in reincarnation, this is your life and you don't get a re-do. Make this life count!
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