Regret having children?

on Nov 06, 2009 @ 09:09 am

In our discussion about the H1N1 flu shot and talking about selfish people, mamaluv asked a simple question about the pressure on parents raising good citizens. This reminded me of an article I read online about this woman who has 2 kids and she regrets having children. In fact, she regrets it so much that she wrote a book about it and urges other women NOT to have children. Check out the 40 reasons why not to have kids at the bottom of this article. I was appalled.

I am experiencing firsthand how having even just 1 child can change your life, lifestyle, your relationship with friends/family and most of all, your partner. There are times (many times...let's be honest) when I miss my child-less life, the carefree lifestyle and the freedom. But never did I once regret having my baby and I never will.

I respect that some people hates kids, some people loves kids and some people only loves other people's kids. But I would never preach anyone on whether they should or should not have kids. It is a choice between the couple having the children.

I guess I was just shocked at how shallow her reasons were for not having kids. What do you guys think?


14 Replies

Ali de Bold
harsh on Nov 06, 2009 @ 01:36 pm

I don't think everyone should have kids. Just because you can, doesn't mean you will be a good parent. I also think it is more selfish to have children to fill a void or keep your relationship together, than not to have children at all. For that matter, choosing not to have children isn't selfish at all, in my opinion. But her position is really hash and I think it is especially disturbing for her children to eventually read all of that. Can you imagine knowing that your mother thinks you and your brother were a mistake?


stupid reasons on Nov 06, 2009 @ 02:37 pm

What got me was, most of her reasons are repetitive and reek of bitterness. It's like listening to someone vent who doesn't actually have a point. In fact, just looking at her 40 reasons, makes me think "soooooo.... bottom line is, you hate kids." I don't see much difference point to point.

Are kids right for everyone? No.

Do they change your life in negative ways? Depends on what you define as "negative", but let's say a qualified yes for very specific reasons.

Could you lose yourself in your kids and never come out? Theoretically yes.

Are your kids in danger from pedophiles and kidnappers? Yes, but women are in danger from rapists, so I suppose we should do away with the female gender in general.

Poorly developed arguments for the most part. I could see myself reading a mature and reasonably laid out article or book on why parenting isn't for everyone. I would never read this book. To put it mildly, it offends me.

bravo.... on Nov 06, 2009 @ 06:33 pm

although I AGREE that this woman needs to 'work on her delivery' I am glad someone is putting it out there.

I don't have kids...don't want them right now and quite frankly, I tend
to stay away from women that have kids-because I feel like once you
have them, that's where the majority of your time is spent. I can't
really relate to my 'friends' with kids ...and I don't want to. I have
been called a lot of things for thinking like that but that's how I
feel. I don't have kids and I can't tell you how many times I have
made plans with my friends who are moms and they have cancelled out on
me or brought their kids along to places that they really don't belong
(and yes I have specific examples).

I was especially offended during a checkup with my (former) family
doctor. She asked me about having children and I told her that I wasn't
planning on having any. She then proceeded to list all the reasons that
I 'needed' to have a baby and that if I was really concerned about the
physical part of having a baby that I could have a C-section.
UNBELIEVABLE! I walked out....

I don't feel bad about not having kids and I give this woman huge
shout-outs for putting out there that she DOES have regrets. That takes
guts. Is she angry? Oh hell yeah! Will her kids need therapy later?
probably...that's a bad decision on her part.

Don't forget that just because you may have had a great experience with
motherhood...other people haven't! Some people don't want to ever
experience it...and that's cool too! I don't hate kids-I was a preschool teacher AND a nanny but there's a reason I don't have any of my own...and some of them are on her 'list'.

WOW on Nov 09, 2009 @ 10:09 am

I understand that many people dont want kids and the ones that have kids and regret it shouldnt put it in a book for them to read. Maybe she should of thought of that before she had a second child to mess up.

I myself have two teenage boys and yes I am a taxi driver, rugby/football mom and many other things and I also work, my husband and I find time for ourselfs aswell.

Well I hope she makes a lot of money from her book to pay for therapy for her kids!!!!!


Pretty harsh, but honest on Nov 10, 2009 @ 04:25 pm

The way this is written is pretty devastating, and honestly, what are her children going to think when they read this book? Horrifying.

But it brings up the point that so many of us feel pressured to add children to our lives to make it "full" and "rewarding" that the wrong people are having children for the wrong reasons.

I often feel like people expect, and society demands, that we be stay at home moms and that it is selfish and greedy to want to live for yourself and have a career instead of having babies. My own friends and family have put this pressure on me time and again. It's 2009 and people need to stop forcing these opinions on each other. The huge amount of media insisting that babies are the greatest thing that you can accomplish in your time on earth is making people like this author a reality everywhere.

Let's all just agree to disagree, let your baby-happy friends keep having a seventh and an eight, without judging them, and let your baby-hater pals stay sans-child as long as they want. It's not for everyone. The more people who feel forced into child bearing, the more damaged children like those of this author will be out there.

Ali de Bold
totally agree with victorianails on Nov 10, 2009 @ 08:11 pm

Well said :)

ridiculous on Nov 14, 2009 @ 04:07 pm

Thats ridiculous!! on Nov 14, 2009 @ 11:03 am
OMG!! what is wrong with this "female!"! Well,everyone has a freedom of thought ,n speech,so whatever...but thts horrible,n selfish in my opinion...only ones who don't want to ve kids might be the ones who had a bad,tough childhood.

If there were more people like her in countries with booming population like china n india,may be they would solve their population problem:)

How is it selfish not to want to have kids? on Nov 14, 2009 @ 05:59 pm

docmp, do you mean to say that if someone doesn't want kids they are selfish and not female?

Or are you just upset with the tone the author used to make her points?

There are plenty of people who have kids that are terrible parents. There are a lot of people who would love kids but can't have them. There are some people who recognize they aren't the parenting type and instead of having kids "just because", they choose not to.

I don't think any less of someone who decides not to have kids than people who have a lot of babies. I do think it's important that as a society we don't shove our perspective down everyone's throat. What works for you doesn't necessarily work for me and vice versa.

decision between couple on Nov 15, 2009 @ 02:07 am

Lots of good points brought up in this discussion. There are a lot of
people who don't want kids for very good reasons. We don't often hear
those people speak up about their choices because there is a social
pressure to have children, especially if you have a long term, steady
partner. So it's good that we hear from their points of view.

I don't think having kids is for everyone. Some people know they don't
want kids because they know what they want in life and having children
just don't fit in with what they want. That's ok. A friend of mine
loves working with kids and she does everyday of her life. She and her
husband contemplated whether they want their own or adopt. But in the
end, they've decided not have to children at all. They are happy the
way they are. Some people just don't want kids, period.

People shouldn't have to give reasons for why they want or don't want
kids. It's a personal choice. Having children is not like owning
pets; it's a lifetime dedication, lifelong commitment. If this is not
the kind of commitment you want in life, then it's better not have
children at all, rather than have them and regret later. You can't
"test drive" life with children and you can't return them or give them
away. If you have children, then it should be a well informed, well
thought-out choice.

Lots of opinions... on Nov 15, 2009 @ 09:15 am

I like this post! It's a topic that I have actually done a lot of thinking about - actually, it's quite strange how often I think about it considering I'm fairly certain that I'm far too awkward around children to even contemplate having any of my own. Seriously - I say things like 'Swear to god?' to 7 year olds. I'm oblivious to the rules of childhood.

And yes, society and our own families put a lot of pressure on women. Just because I have a uterus doesn't mean I have to use it.

But honestly, I'm frightened of being pregnant, and frankly a tad selfish. If I do have children one day, I think that it would be through adoption. I know myself too well to know that I will resent myself, not my child, for getting stretch marks, gaining weight (though I could go for the help in the 'breast' department), and losing what I work so hard to maintain. Again - I know I'm being selfish and incredibly vain but it's how I feel - and that alone means I'm not ready mentally to have a child.

Women who have the willpower and love and selflessness to be able to have a child are admirable. I adore each and every single one of you. I love being around you and your children and wishing that I was capable of the same things. To have a family is a dream that I think even those who don't wish for one, wish they could have.

Those are my two random cents (worth a penny in todays economy).

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