Right or wrong ????


chula9696
on Oct 05, 2012 @ 02:21 pm

If you are in a relationship (long term, almost 6 yrs) and your partner is close friends with his EX and knows you are uncomfortable with the situation, is it wrong to meet up with an EX knowing your partner has a problem with it?
 


9 Replies


complete_cutie
maybe... on Oct 05, 2012 @ 08:52 pm


I think it's important that people respect eachothers feelings if they're in a relationship. It's important for them to acknowledge the other persons feelings about any situation.
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Malixy
wrong on Oct 05, 2012 @ 09:35 pm

I would say so. If you've discussed the fact that the ex makes you uncomfortable, and your partner, knowing this, goes to meet with that ex, that would be a problem for me.
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Anonymous
. on Oct 10, 2012 @ 12:18 pm

I can understand you. My bf was friends with his last ex and it caused a lot of problems. I wasn't worried he was going to go back to her, but I knew she hated me. She never really got over the breakup and they would hang out all the time afterwards, then he met me and that all changed and she hated it.
I mostly hated them hanging out because I knew she was always trying to talk me down to him, telling him I wasn't good enough, even though I had never met her in my life. She was also still trying to control him and make decisions for him.
At first, I actually had no problems with her and him hanging out. I'm not a jealous person, I knew it was over between them and I was even willing to meet her. Then I found out about her talking and saying stuff about me and my attitude changed. We argued a lot, it was the only thing we argued about.
What about him hanging out with his ex bothers you? Try and figure it out. Then sit him down and talk to him about it again. Instead of just saying you don't feel comfortable about it, maybe if you explained why he would be more understanding. If he isn't willing to see it as a problem, than maybe you need to be really serious about it.
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Tiffmorris
depends on Oct 10, 2012 @ 01:16 pm

It's too dependant on the circumstances. Things like why they broke up, how long ago they broke up, why the one person of the relationship doesn't like it, up to and including how they treat you while around this person and how they act towards each other.

If we're talking an ex from way back, that have since moved on and maintained a completely platonic friendship over the years, then it should be completely fine them staying friends. If we're talking just broke up before you started dating, and they behave inappropriately around each other, then no, that is disrespectful to the new relationship.

I don't think it's right to try to tell your significant other who they can and cannot be friends with, if you're uncomfortable with the friendship because of your own insecurities it's not right to put that onto your man. If you are uncomfortable with the friendship for valid reasons, such as the girl is single and clearly holding out hope that they rekindle then that is more understandable.

I can understand and respect having ground rules as a request, such as they only spend time together in public or with a mutual group of friends. And that they never share intimate times together, that is all reasonable. But expecting someone be cut out of his life simply because you aren't comfortable with their friendship due to your own insecurities is unfair to him.If that's the case I would highly recommend working on your own insecurities yourself before they destroy your relationship.

Trust and open communication are the foundations of a healthy relationship, while he should respect your feelings and concerns, you should also respect his feelings and his friendships that pre-date your relationship.
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Ali de Bold
Tough on Oct 10, 2012 @ 01:22 pm

I know of very few exes who have remained friends. It's kind of hard to be pals with someone once you've been close like that. I think it depends on how much of a connection they had, how old they were, etc. It could be 100% plutonic. The concerning thing for me here is that she talks you down to him. Just out of loyalty to you, he shouldn't put up with that and it should at least be a deterrent for him wanting to hang out with her. I certainly wouldn't spend time with someone who would say bad things about my husband.
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chula9696
Thanks on Oct 10, 2012 @ 02:28 pm

Thanks for the reply, Maybe you are right about them being my insecurities but I never seemed to have a problem from day 1. When he introduced her to me, he told me that it was his ex and told me about their past. But she had just gotten married, so i didnt have issues with her.
Our issues started when she was going to graduate from college and it was out of state. At that time him and i just had a baby and the way I saw it was ....it wasnt fair for him to leave me behind considering it wasnt just around the corner. Hes driving to a different state. AM i wrong?
But to make a long story short she basically put her nose into our business and said that his decision was his decision and if he wanted to go he can.
Thats when all our problems started. NOT to mention after she got married and started to have problems of her own, then is when she started calling my BF. Although it was just calls/texts, she didnt bother when she was married. IF your a friend, you dont lose contact, right? Well she only contacted him after her marriage went to SHIT!

Well its been 5 1/2 yrs since we have been together and we just moved in 1 yr ago....we have such a great relationship EXCEPT when her name pops up or he decides to go out to lunch with her. BTW!!! He decides NOT to tell me hes going to lunch with her. Why lie about it????
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chula9696
For Ali-de-bold on Oct 10, 2012 @ 02:30 pm

Thats how i think, how can you be with someone you had an intimate relationship with, and not just a intimate relationship but you were in love with that person.
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Malixy
still wrong on Oct 11, 2012 @ 12:34 am

When he feels the need to lie to you about where hes going and with who, things tend to escalate.

Even if your insecurities play a part in why them being together bothers you, he has to realize sneaking around and laying about is just going to make that worse, and cause more problems for both of you in the future. trust issues dont just happen, they are caused by things like this.

If it's all so innocent theres no reason why he cant invite you out to lunch with them, since you're all just such a friendly bunch.
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Tiffmorris
lying on Oct 17, 2012 @ 09:34 am

If he's lying to you about it and feeling the need to try to hide their friendship then its a friendship that is verging on inappropriate territory.

As for you saying friends don't lose touch, that is very inaccurate. My best friend for 15 years and me went 2 years without speaking much outside of Facebook. We were both busy with school and work, but you would never be able to tell that we were barely a part of eachother's lives for a couple of years. We have always had one of those friendships where it would just pick right back up as though no time had passed.

Since we last reconnected I don't see us ever fully losing touch again, maybe seeing each other less, but I don't even think that will happen.

Every friendship is different. While his ex was correct that it was your SO's decision to attend her graduation or not, she had absolutely no right to butt into your relationship, it was none of her business. If he can't be open or honest with you about this friendship, regardless of any insecurities on your part, then he is being dishonest to you and the relationship.

Lying and sneaking around is never ok.
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