Sad...Boyfriend broke up with me because hes an alcoholic.

on Apr 05, 2014 @ 09:29 pm

I'm at a loss.  

I've been in love with someone for a while now(7 years)  and we have finally this past year got together. It was something we both had wanted for years and have felt the same way about each other forever.  It was a long distance relationship until I just moved back into town.  Things went from perfect to just hurtful.  He became distant(even more so than just the 8 hours distance itself). He would disapear or not say anything to me some days.  He got stressed out and extremely depressed from all i could tell and he would tell me.  two weeks before I moved back to town being only 10 minutes away he broke up with me saying he needed to go to rehab and he was an alcoholic.  That hes been dealing with this for a while and has tried hiding it from me.  He said he wants help but does not want to drag me down while he gets the help.  It was pretty emotional and upsetting. He would keep advising how he wants to get help for himself but he cannot be in any relationship until hes better.  That he wants to be the man I deserve and wants to help himself so that things will be so much better for everyone.   We have talked since then and although he has not gone to rehab he would try to not drink for a few days then tell me he felt withdrawal symptoms and he would drink to stop them.  He would talk to a therapist the one day but didnt like him so theres not another he had made an appointment for.  He agreed to AA that he wanted to try and said for me to drive him and for the support.  

Good days he will say he wants these things and bad depressed days he just doesnt say one word to me or discourages any progress he maybe had made.  He doesnt think he deserves to get help.  He's goes from giving up completely on himself and on the fact he could get help to wanting to get the help.   

I've tried not to be pushy and just be supportive.  I went to my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday and when he found out he was in agreement to try to find one this week.   Its hard that His family does know about his disease as I've talked to them about it.  His friends however dont nor work collegues on top of he just recently got a new job.  More people who dont know. He will tell me that he needs to not drink however being an A he will always want it.  

 I just dont know what to do. I cant keep thinking hes out drinking or worrying if hes hurt somewhere.  Its easy to hide or push away from me... as I was close enough to see the real thing going on.  ITs easier to hang out with people who dont know whats going on because then you dont have to face it.  With me it hurts him it seems because he knows i know and want to help and hes hurt me very deeply.

Im just sad and I do understand its a disease that is uncontrollable.  Just... has anyone else gone through this? 


11 Replies

Let Him Go on Apr 09, 2014 @ 11:06 am

I hate to say this, but if he is going to Rehab and battling an addiction...he is in no way capable of being in a relationship at this moment in time. His main concerns are dealing with his inner demons so one day hopefully...he will be able to love freely without being haunted. Continue going to Al-Anon but do it for YOU. Not for him, YOU. His addiction has taken its toll and I dont think you will be able to salvage this relationship. Start taking care of you, it is hard but you have to. His family needs to be informed about this because it isn't fair for you to struggle with this alone. I also recommend therapy for you.

A long road. on Apr 14, 2014 @ 01:56 pm

My dad is an alcoholic. I'd like to tell you to run and stay away from him but I know that's not an option when you love someone. The road to recovery never really ends. And it will always be emotionally difficult, even if he does get sober. (You will always wonder if he is still drinking or drinking again). I hope that AA works for you and him. Don't accept less than you deserve!

Decisions on Apr 14, 2014 @ 07:11 pm

This is all about what YOU want, if you truly love him, stay by his side for the times he wants and needs support. Rushing this or pushing him to do certain things isn't going to help him, it will just make it worse in most cases. If you feel you need time away from his problems take it. It is all about what you want.

As for me I have been in this situation,not a loved one but with a family member. Sometimes she would want help sometimes not, we gave her a solution to get better and just walked away.. and eventually she took our solution.. it took some time but we knew it's her decision and she took her own pace into it without being pushed.

Not fair to yo on Apr 15, 2014 @ 03:42 pm

He really is not being fair to you. First and for most he has to want to get help, yes it is a tough decision for anyone with a problem but he cannot keep bringing you into it he cannot do this you he has to do it for him. I am sorry if that sound harsh but it is very true unless he truly wants help even if goes to rehab it won't help unless he wants to change.

My biggest question would be why is he not going to rehab?

I think it is best to remove yourself from the situation before he can be with you he needs to fix himself. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is walk away but sometimes it is the only choice. If it is truly meant to be you two will come back together once has has taken care of himself.

be strong on Apr 16, 2014 @ 04:21 am

Iv been where you are and I'm still there now! My bf lost his parents suddenly and tragically and he turned to drugs and alcohol to cope, he's been to rehab and although things are alot better then when they were at there worst, 6 years later and we are still dealing with things. Just when I think life is close to perfect I'm reminded of the reality. In fact he is away for work right now for several weeks and earlier this evening when we spoke on the phone he sounded drunk and since then iv been unable to reach him. Fortunately for you it sounds like you don't share a home or children with your man and if you choose to move on it may be easyer. Remember that the longer you stay the harder it is to leave.

alcoholism on Apr 16, 2014 @ 01:27 pm

Alcoholism is a tough disease but you can not cure it. He has to want to get better for his own reasons, pressure from you will not help, there is usually some indecision as to which options are needed for help but that depends on what the reason for change is. You ned to do what is best for you, and he will have to do what is best for him, they may not be compatible options but do not make excuses for him so it easier for him to hide his disease. Good luck

So sad on May 15, 2014 @ 10:10 am

Yes alcoholism can be controlled. But, only if the alcoholic wants to take control of his own life. You need to get on with yours. Believe me I am speaking from experience, my brother was an alcoholic but a very gentle one. the only person he hurt was himself. My first husband was an alcoholic, and like you I thought I could help him change. Sorry it doesn't work that way! After a few years of marriage and the birth of my two children, he would start to get violent. Believe me this is not the kind of life you want for yourself. I know it is hard letting go but sometimes you have to. If things haven't changed for you, stay strong and good luck.

My prayers are with you on May 15, 2014 @ 12:46 pm

Sadly, you can only help someone who helps themselves. Until he does that, you cannot let him bring you down with him. Sometimes the hardest part of loving someone is knowing when to walk away.

You are so right fredamans on May 15, 2014 @ 03:19 pm

Knowing when to walk away is the key, you hit the nail on the head. It is such a difficult decision and I how this chick advisor makes the right one. My heart goes out to her and I hope she knows we are here for her.

same boat on Jun 16, 2014 @ 11:30 am

I'm having a similar problem. I'm crazy about a wonderful and witty guy who has been a regularly relapsing alcoholic for years. He only lets me close when he's drinking, then as soon as he's sober pushes me away because he says "things are too complicated as it is" and he doesn't think he's good for anyone :( . It's so frustrating as I know we really like each other. Maybe he is doing me a kindness though......

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