should i stay or should i go?


Anonymous
on Mar 06, 2010 @ 12:28 am

i've been with my bf for about 8-9 months. we're extremely close, but not physically, we have a very far long distance relationship, but we chat every day. 

about 4 months into our relationship, i met someone that i was immediately attracted to. i didnt think much of it coz i was in a relationship and i didnt know if i would see this guy again. but i did and we have become really good friends. 

 my bf and i have been talking about me moving where he lives. it would be a huge move and it would be very hard. i would have to leave everything i have. 

just in the last month i have had a change of heart and i really dont want to make this move. a big part of me wants to move, to try something new, to start a new life. but a bigger part of me wants to continue the life i have. part of me is also curious of what 'might be' with this other guy.

anyway, now im not sure if i should stay or if i should go. if i go, i would leave everything behind. and i think i would wonder about this other guy a lot. he is on my mind all the time.

if i dont go, i wonder if i'll wonder what life would have been like, to start anew and live in a different country

 i also dont  want to leave my job as its going really well right now.

i guess im wondering what should i do? should i stay and possibly start a relationship with this guy i can't stop thinking of?
or should i go and start a new life and leave the life that i am completely happy with? 
 


8 Replies


Anonymous
Stay on Mar 07, 2010 @ 02:29 am

The fact that you are having second thoughts is a big enough reason in my opinion not to close up shop on your current life and move away to start new somewhere else. The whole time you are there your mind will be stuck back home wondering and romanticizing about what might have been and you wont be able to put 100% into your current relationship. You will always feel like you have one foot in instead of both and because of that you wont commit to the new life.

On the other hand, you might choose to stay and break it off with the current guy and find out the new guy is a dud. But at least you will know and wont have him as an excuse to not to commit to someone else.
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spotty
stay on Mar 07, 2010 @ 11:02 am

If this were me, I'd move. But this is not me.

And it sounds like you are more smitten w/ the "other guy" than you are w/ your actual boyfriend. That right there just is not fair to your boyfriend. If you're curious about the "other guy", do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and break up. It is selfish to string him along thinking you are entirely committed when clearly you are not.

Let me ask you this, if there was no "other guy", would you struggle w/ the moving decision as much as you are? I ask you this to help you weigh just how important your job and local attractions (friends, etc) are to keep you from moving to be w/ your boyfriend. B/c based on this post, to me, the main thing keeping you from moving to be w/ your boyfriend is the "other guy."
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mamaluv
what are your reasons, really? on Mar 07, 2010 @ 05:40 pm

I want to expand on something Spotty said, and that is - why are you really having a tough time with this decision? Could it be that you really don't want to move and are looking for a reason to stay?

I'm thinking of a book many of us on ChickAdvisor have read: Love the One You're With. In it, the main character thinks she's trying to decide between 2 guys... but really, she's struggling with accepting her situation in life. The "other guy" is more a symptom of her desire to revisit old decisions and outcomes, and her ultimate decision rests on the question of "is what I have right for me?" versus "could've/would've/should've".

Why are you reaching for someone else really? Is your other relationship just not the right fit (for whatever reason/s), or is this just a case of relocation cold feet? Don't move just for the first guy, and don't stay just for the second guy. What do you want from life, and where do your opportunities lead you? That might mean expanding your life to explore new places and new experiences - and don't underestimate the huge advantage moving away can potentially be. But it might also mean that what really and truly matters to you is to be geographically close to family. Neither is right or wrong: they can be both and neither.

Whatever you choose, don't make it about the men entirely - and especially not about man #2. You know what you have with man #1, and what you have with man #2 is far from decided yet.
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Anonymous
thanks!!! on Mar 07, 2010 @ 09:17 pm

you've all given really great advice. i have a lot to think about.
thanks again.
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SissySpouse
Just my 2cents on Mar 10, 2010 @ 03:21 pm

Chatting is very different then living with/near someone. I think you would be very disappointed if you left everything in your life to go on this adventure. We sometimes have to be content with what we have and what we are comfortable with. So my advice is to not move and live the life you have.
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MissLissa
How's the grass? on Mar 10, 2010 @ 09:50 pm

If things are going well and are starting to flourish where you are now then I feel that the best thing would be to pursue your options in front of you. You never want to move for someone else. Do it for yourself.

Even though moving and starting fresh and new may seem exciting, it will also be a strain on your resources. What if things don't work out with your man and you end up resenting him in the end. If the grass is fruitful in your current pasture, stay where you can grow and be comfortable. Just my opinion.

All the best!
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wildtexspirit
What do you want? on Mar 10, 2010 @ 10:19 pm

I myself was in a similar position once when I was 21. The only thing was I was in the spot the number 1 guy is in. I wasn't told of the other person and well I wasn't even told by my boyfriend that he was having problems with our relationship. One day my best friend that was married to my brother were on the road and happened to be going through the area that my Boyfriend was going to college at.
When they came to the door he opened the door and there was this other girl in my boyfriends home. They were shocked but kept it to themselves. He introduced her even as his girlfriend even though my brother and best friend both knew that he and I were dating. Well after that they came back home and came by to let me know the news. The only one that told me of course was my best friend. I was blown away . I couldn't believe that he was having thoughts and acted on them without as little as a word to let me know.
Well I sent a letter asking him of this new girl and what was going on. He writes back letting me know that all was true and he was "sorry" I was crying for weeks but before I did anything else I wrote back telling him that she would dump him like a stone in a river and he would come crawling back and begging me to take him back.

Sure enough, about 6 months later he did just that and I started to take him back but things went crazy and I drove him away by means of falling in love with another guy.

The point I am getting at is be careful what your decision is because he might not want anything to do with you once things are over between you and number 1. Also be sure that number 2 is what your really looking for and not just a feeling of lust. That can go bad. Make sure he isn't a hurtful person AFTER your with him if you choose him that is. Sometimes things work out the way you don't want them to. We tend to be blind to things that we don't have right in front of us til it is too late.
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Anonymous
you are all so sweet on Mar 11, 2010 @ 12:35 am

thanks for all the great advice. i began to really think of what it would be like to move away. i thought of myself and i don't know if i would be happy in a new country, where i would have to learn a new language and look for a new job and start at the bottom of the ladder again.

i also know that if things don't work out, i will stay single for a while. i wouldn't want to jump into another relationship.

i have to think of myself and what's best for me. and i am really, really happy where i am.

thanks everyone!

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