Should you stay friends with an EX ???


chula9696
on Apr 12, 2010 @ 06:22 pm

OK, WHERE DO I START?  LETS START AT THE BEGINNING.  MY CURRENT

BOYFRIEND OF 3 YEARS AND I HAVE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS BECAUSE OF HIS EX

GIRLFRIEND. 


HE TOLD ME ABOUT HIS EX WHEN HE KNEW THAT I WASNT JUST ANOTHER GIRL IN

HIS LIFE.  i ACCEPTED IT FROM DAY ONE.  HER AND I BECAME FRIENDS.  BUT

THINGS CHANGED, HIM AND I HAD A BABY.  AND THINGS WENT IN A DIFFERENT

DIRECTION.  SHE ENDED UP SEPARATING FROM HER HUSBAND AND GUESS WHO WAS

HER COMFORT???  YOU GUESS IT, MY BOYFRIEND.  THEY WERE TEXTING EACH

OTHER AT LEAST 60 TIMES A DAY...AND TALKING AS WELL.  OF COURSE I HAD A

PROBLEM WITH THAT AND I BROUGHT IT TO HIS ATTENTION.....AND I ALSO

CONFRONTED HER ABOUT IT.  WELL, IT DIDNT STOP, THE TEXTING. 


SHE WAS LIVING IN VEGAS WITH HER HUSBAND FOR SOMETIME AND CAME BACK TO

E.L.A.  THAT IS WHEN THEIR PROBLEMS STARTED. AND OF COURSE THE TEXTING

AND TALKING.  ANYHOW, SHE WAS ATTENDING UNLV, AND MAY OF 2009 SHE WAS

GRADUATING, THATS WHEN ALL THE PROBLEMS ACTUALLY STARTED.  SHE CROSSED A

LINE, THEY WERE DISCUSSING GOING OUT WHILE BEING UP THERE, AND MY HONEY

AND I HAD ALREADY AGREED THAT SINCE WE HAD THE BABY, WE WERE NOT GOING

TO BE GOING OUT.  BUT YET, SHE FELT LIKE SHE HAD A SAY IN IT.  WELL SHE

CONFRONTED ME AND TOLD ME WHY CANT HE GO OUT WITH THEM???  AND I TOLD

HER THAT WAS BETWEEN HIM AND I.  SHE COULDN'T ACCEPT THAT. SHE WAS

TRYING SO HARD AND EVEN GAVE HIM A HARD TIME.....THEIR WAS A BIG

ARGUMENT AND EVEN TRIED TELLING HIM THAT WHY DO I NEED TO USE THE FAMILY

ABANDONMENT CARD WITH HIM. SHE SAID THEY WERE FAMILY TOO. 


ANYHOW EVER SINCE MAY OF 2009, OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS WENT DOWNHILL

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE SHE CROSSED A LINE.  THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO THE

STORY....LETS JUST SAY THAT IT EVEN GOT TO THE POINT WHERE SHE TOLD HIM

THAT HE KNEW DAMN WELL THAT HE DIDNT NEED A MOM AND A DAD TO MAKE A

FAMILY.


HE WONT LET GO OF HIS FRIEND....ANY ADVICE????  PLEASE HELP!!!!
 

11 Replies


Anonymous
Leave him on Apr 13, 2010 @ 02:14 am

Leave him. Hit him for child support. Why should you have to force him to be a man?
Reply

chula9696
Thanks on Apr 13, 2010 @ 11:57 am

WOW!!!! THATS DEEP, BUT I WONT LEAVE HIM...HE'S A GREAT FATHER AND HE
REALLY IS A GREAT GUY. BUT I DO FEEL LIKE HE HASNT REALLY GOTTEN HIS
PRIORITES STRAIGHT. MY CLOSE FRIENDS TELL ME OTHERWISE. THEY TELL ME TO
LET HIM BE AND THAT HE WILL REALIZE WHAT HE HAS AND HE WILL COME BACK.
HE HAS MADE IT VERY CLEAR TO HIM THE IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIP. BUT HE
SEES HER AND 2 OTHERS IN THEIR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS AS FAMILY....AND I
CONFRONTED HIM AND TOLD HIM THAT "NO" SHES NOT FAMILY BECAUSE YOU DONT
"FUCK" FAMILY . NO ONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND THEM BUT THEM, THEY SEE
NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM BEING COOL WITH THE WHOLE SITUATION.

I THINK IF ANY OF THE OTHER 2 FRIENDS WERE INVOLVED INTIMATELY THEY
WOULD UNDERSTAND BUT THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE.

BUT THANKS FOR THE REPLY.
Reply

Anonymous
? on Apr 17, 2010 @ 06:56 pm

If hes a really great guy then why did you post about him hanging out with his ex? A really great guy shouldn't give you cause for concern. Putting things down on paper or in print are a great way for us to catch things we would have missed otherwise.

Him hanging out with his ex is something you dont agree with. Its something that makes him less of a great guy. Being a great father doesnt excuse his behavior in other areas of his life. You responded with that like it was some sort of award or achievement i should know about like it somehow excuses his behavior. I dont doubt that hes a great father but thats not whats being discussed here.

Whats being discussed here is that hes disrespecting you and creating trust issues between you. He is being selfish and IMO he might as well be physically cheating on you because hes already emotionally cheating on you. What percentage of his feelings are shared with her vs you. Are you happy to have half a man?

That girl is not his family. She is someone who he used to date, sleep with, love etc. Hes a father now. Its time for him and you to grow up. Stop making excuses for him. If he cant step up you need to move on. Its not just about you now.. you have a child who needs a father.. and not just part of the time when hes not slipping out with the ex.
Reply

beyourbestself
Ex is getting too much attention from him, more than you are getting from him, that's says it all doesn't it?? on Apr 27, 2010 @ 09:47 pm

The thing that caught me most of your story is the constant texting and constant talking. Sounds like he was giving her far more attention than you or your child. It sounds to me he has disconnected from your relationship with him. He needs to decide who is the best for him, and make his decision and move forward because you and your family should be at the very top of his priority and I don't see that in your story. Sorry!
Reply

chula9696
To Anonymous on May 06, 2010 @ 08:10 pm

OK, I do understand where you are coming from. And YES i agree to a point.
When I mentioned about him hanging out with his friend/friends....that also means I go with him. He hasn't put me to the side. This is just an example they have traditions...one is that they celebrate Christmas. They get together in a group and do dinner. I was there. ONLY that this past year ever since she crossed her line with me...she annoys me.....her prescense, her voice, even her name. This past year X-mas 2009, when we did the whole dinner thing. His Best friend (a male) gave all of them a frame with a photo of all 4 of them back in their days. BTW....the frame had FAMILY engraved and a definition of FAMILY.
I was upset, furious how ever you want to see it. He noticed my attitude change instantly and he asked if i was ok? I said "No Im not" and he asked whats wrong? I replied "No Im not, and said to him I will never see you like family because i didnt know it was OK to F**K family. That really upset him, neither one showed our true feeling UNTIL we left the restaurant. I didnt speak a word in the car until we were almost home and thats when he spoke.
I can we didnt have much to say, but i just told him how i felt.

Anyhow, He has been doing a really good job about putting ME (US) lately...he doesnt call her but she will still text him and of course he will reply but she is ALWAYS the first to initiate contact.

LET me tell you that the reason WHY i dont care for her is because ever since our problems she has done nothing more than just bad mouth me in every angle you can think of. EVEN up until today, she still will say something off the wall just to make herself be heard. BUT I have not brought her up to him.....and i can say Im very proud of me. MAYBE just maybe...he will then realize that I am much more woman than her and its me who he wants to be with.
I can be so wrong...but until then I am just going with the flow.

To all you that have had or have problems I wish you the best. I believe there is someone for every person out there just believe and you will find MR right.
Reply

chula9696
TO: beyourbestself on May 06, 2010 @ 08:18 pm

Yes, they did text alot, and when i mean ALOT...I mean like i found about 60 text back and forth from them.

HIM and I have different schedules, he now works night shifts (630PM-330AM) and i work normal hours 830AM to 530PM. He texts me when he gets to work, during most of the nights and when he gets home safe.

I dont think (feel) that he has put her first. My problem with their friendship is that thats something from their past and thats where it should have been left....IN THE PAST.
Reply

docmp
goodluck on May 07, 2010 @ 11:48 am

seems like u r answering ur own questions,so u know what's best for u. good luck.
i may add..don't worry much about other friends,coz 1 day all r going to marry n slowly get busy with their "real" families,and at tht time probably understand what u were saying all this time.
Reply

chula9696
TO: DOCMP on May 07, 2010 @ 06:25 pm

Thanks for the reply, i cant say that i know whats best for me. I can
only hope that you are right but after reading what his EX had to say I
really doubt she will ever be happy....shes almost 30, and has been
married twice and already separated from her second, and seeing someone
else.

You know the saying MISERY LOVES COMPANY. But I only hope my honey will
be a man and step up.
Reply

jskim07
WHAT AN AZZZ on May 13, 2011 @ 09:57 am

If your man will not listen to the fact that you are having a problem with one of his friends that is affecting your relationship, that is a serious problem!

I can't tell you what to do because I think you know what you really think of this situation and what the best action will be, you have just not figured it out yet.

However, I have been in a situation similar to your boyfriend before, but not to that degree. I am sure he feels awful about the situation, but when you have had a friend for that long, it's hard to give them up. It may be because he's insecure about himself as well, despite him never admitting it.
I'm sorry that you are having to be in this situation, and I hope the most optimal solution becomes clear to you soon!
Reply

Anonymous
kinda understand on May 20, 2011 @ 04:58 pm

I have never been in this situation but one fairly similar, so I somewhat understand the anxiety and other feelings you may have.

In my experience, it wasn't an ex but a female friend from my boyfriend's past. I didn't have a good feeling about this woman from day one. He said they were just friends simply because of similar schedules and interest and they hung out a handful of time a few years back before she moved away. But the pictures of them says otherwise about how this woman feels or thinks about this friendship they had. She has a slew of pictures and specifically named albums of them hanging out plastered all over FB – cooking for him, clubbing and parties, picnics and calling our home now her second home. I tried to let it go because whatever it was, it was in the past. But she seems to be reminiscing this past about my boyfriend, she continuously post questionable posts on his wall with pet names and how she misses him and all the wonderful times they've had. This is embarassing when there are family and relatives on FB who sees her posts. Even after we've moved in together and changed our relationship status, she still does these little suggestive actions. My boyfriend assured me there is nothing, there wasn't a "them" in the first place. What really thrown me off is at the beginning of this year (she moved away 4 years ago as of this time and they haven't had contact in 3), she posted an old video of my boyfriend on FB with the caption at the bottom "My... (pet name), you are missed". What decent female would do this, even if you did once hope there is more with this person, you wouldn't do this knowing he is in a relationship now unless you have the intention to wreck it. Of course I am jealous, I am human but I felt uncomfortable. I talked to my boyfriend, I told him how I felt. All these actions from a person who is "Just A Friend" really doesn't make sense, how much can you possibly miss a person when it's been three years since the last contact. I told him I feel like she is not only disrespecting our relationship but she is belittling it. He agreed with me and cut off any contact with her. He said he does care and understand how it can be uncomfortable.

You need to talk to him, it is a discussion between you and him. I feel like sometimes men don't see the threat until they are drowning in it, I was on high alert when it got near my ankle. A gardener wouldn't wait till the weeds are completely overgrown to kill it off. She nips it early on before it can choke his roses. She knows the weeds are there to harm right off the bat, why would she let it stick around in the garden then?

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