Silent Treatment


Lotus Flower
on Apr 04, 2011 @ 03:50 am

hey dolls

hope y'all have been good. i have an issue that has been bothering me for weeks and was hoping to get your insight. There is this guy i have been KINDA seeing since Dec of last year. we met at our company party and hit it off. @ nights after the party we had a date and it went well..he started calling and texting me daily after that..and we would talk for hours on end..sometimes 3-4hrs a night. however he has this moments when he goes quiet. he doesn't call or text for a couple of days. no reason or excuse. he just goes quiet. I've noted its a monthly habit of his. he did it in Jan and Feb. By Feb i had tried to raise my concerns but he gave me very flimsy excuses. so i told him i wouldn't bother him again. which i didn't. however 2 weeks later i lost a family member and i was robbed. he called me to console me and all. things went back to normal as he would call and text and we would go out for dinner. i have even spent the night at his place with absolutely no pressure to have sex. he would cook and we would hangout and the next day i would go home. we became really close. the thing is i really like him. for some  reason we click..and i haven't felt like this about a guy in a really long time  however the last few days he has gone quiet on me yet again...

i am really tired of this behavior....how do let him know this without seeming needy???
 

11 Replies


mamaluv
toughie, but... on Apr 04, 2011 @ 09:31 am

Here's the thing - it's far too early for him to be flaking on you already. Are you sure you're actually in a relationship? Is it possible that he's thinking this is a casual hookup (like FWB) or maybe just some sort of friendship and not more? Are you "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend (eg. he's introduced you as his girlfriend to his pals or family, or you've had The Talk about The Status Of Your Relationship)?

If not, then you need to have The Talk. If you are officially a couple and he's acting this way, then girlfriend, you need to consider cutting him loose now. Having said that, there's nothing wrong with you or he having a little personal time here and there that includes less/no contact as long as you're clear about what's going on and it's not an excuse to see someone else while having these periodic "breathers". His inability to communicate to you the reasons for his quiet times is what concerns me, not the fact that he's taking time off per se.

How do you do this without seeming needy? Think of this like a job interview - you need to plan what you'll say, approach it in a logical and nonemotional manner, and simply ask him what's going on. It's perfectly reasonable for you to know why he's acting hot and cold with you. If this was your gal pal and she was being flaky, wouldn't you ask her what the deal is? The question is not needy, so make sure that your tone of voice and level of compromise is not needy either.

"Level of compromise" - by this I mean be willing to meet him halfway, but don't be the only person making concessions. That's not a relationship - that's being a doormat.

*Hugs*
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Ali de Bold
Have you had The Talk? on Apr 04, 2011 @ 12:00 pm

I'm just wondering if your expectations are the same? If the two of you have established you are in a relationship, it is a bit odd for him to go silent for a few days on a regular basis. However, if you've just spent time together and have assumed you are a couple, it could be that he thinks the relationship is more casual than it is.

The only way to know for certain is to have a conversation about it. Keep it light and just say something to the effect of you've been spending a lot of time together over the past few months and you were wondering if you guys are 'exclusive'? Then let him do all of the talking. You will know right away by the way he handles that question what his intentions are. If he seems defensive or like he doesn't want to talk about it or he blows it off, then you have your answer: He is not serious. If he tells you he really likes you and considers you his girlfriend then you can talk about those quiet periods and ask him what the reason is.

Just make sure you are hearing exactly what he is telling you. Guys aren't particularly mysterious. They tend to say it like they see it. Don't read into what he tells you.

Let us know how it goes and good luck!
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LaurenBlair
Perfect method of approach on Apr 04, 2011 @ 02:15 pm

I think Ali’s advice is spot on. When you let the other person do the talking you often get a much better and much more truthful answer to your questions. Listening is obviously key having ‘the talk’ because you don`t have ‘the talk’ unless there are things you haven’t heard before - like how he views your relationship. Don`t be afraid to ask questions if your confused about what he’s saying or you don`t quite understand (just keep them open ended and accusing).

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Lotus Flower
we have had the talk on Apr 05, 2011 @ 02:11 am

i knew i could count on you guys to give me good advice!!

the thing is we have had "the talk". he said he considers me his girlfriend and doesn't want me to date anyone else. i said that's fine with me if we r exclusive cause i know my feelings for him are deep. however when we were having this talk i told him i am not comfortable with "his silence". because if he is going through something the least he can do is alert his girlfriend. cause at the end of the day whats the point of a relationship if we cant confide in one another???. i understand that we cant be talking or texting every single minute since we both have demanding jobs, but if your so called boyfriend cant call to find out how my weekend was....or ask to meet me during the weekend for coffee or a movie or just to hang out...then that's a red flag. as much as i like him. i think i will cut my ties with him before i fall in love...cause if he is behaving like this now...what will happen in future when we have a huge fight???
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Ali de Bold
How did he respond? on Apr 05, 2011 @ 08:37 am

It sounds like you've made your mind up about him, but I'm curious what did he say when you talked to him about the silent treatment?
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Lotus Flower
@Ali on Apr 05, 2011 @ 09:48 am

when we last spoke and i aired my concerns about his silent treatment. he said he would "make the commitment to change and talk to me". those were his exact words. yet exactly 5 days later. he stopped talking to me. We didn't have a fight or anything. he just went silent. the reason i sound like i have made up my mind is because i have been single for 3 years. my last relationship my boyfriend found it prudent to punish me by being silent. every time i did something wrong in his eyes. i was "punished" by him not talking to me for a week. i don't want to fall into that same type of relationship. i need someone who i can rely on, even if we fight.
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mamaluv
good for you! on Apr 05, 2011 @ 10:12 am

Lotus-flower, it sounds like you are a woman who understands what she deserves. Silent treatment as a result of a fight is immature and uncalled-for but perhaps foreseeable. Your current BF's silence unrelated to the status of your relationship is just baffling.

As long as you're not being unreasonable with your request to stay in regular contact (which it certainly sounds like you are being reasonable), there's no excuse for his withdrawal other than if there are things he's hiding or keeping private. If the former, then this is very bad; if the latter, then at least he can give you enough info so you're not worried that it's related to something you've done. However, his inability to account for his behaviour at all leads me to think that he doesn't understand your needs and what level of sharing is appropriate in a relationship that has been going on for over 4 months now. That's plenty long enough to be over the hump of awkwardness.
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LaurenBlair
Good for you! on Apr 05, 2011 @ 10:55 am


So many women say they deserve to be treated well and be in a healthy and loving relationship but when it comes down to it they choose men who don't treat them well and take advantage of them. Good for you for sticking up for what you deserve and not settling just to be in a relationship!

There's a great guy out there... who will WANT to call you every day.
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Becky
here here!! on Apr 05, 2011 @ 11:00 am

So many girls I know make the same mistake over and over, they continuously chose the wrong guy, the same type of wrong guy. Basically the same guy wearing different clothing. And each time they end up heart broken and wondering why it keeps happening to them.

Good for you for recognizing what you want, need, and deserve and sticking by it!! As Lauren said, there are a lot of people who say they want so-and-so but when it comes down to making the hard decision, they don't stand strong.

There is someone out there who will treat you the way you want to be treated and it'll come naturally to him to do so..
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Lotus Flower
its not easy!! on Apr 06, 2011 @ 02:38 am

hey dolls!!

forgetting about him will be difficult because we really clicked. however i have to do this now and move on. i don't think i need to tell a grown man that he needs to talk to me if something is happening in his life (and yet we are supposedly in a relationship). that should come automatically. so as much as i miss him and our 3-hr convo's...its time i moved on....
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