Sort of...

on May 28, 2013 @ 01:11 pm

Hi ladies, I'm hoping I can turn to you for support and help as my friends and family are sick of hearing about my problems.

I recently got out of a relationship for the simple reason that I just wasn't in love with the person. I couldn't see myself marrying this person or having their children. However, just after I ended it with (we'll call them person A) one of my friends of 20 years (we'll call him person B) and I got together and expressed our feelings that we've always had for eachother. Simply put, I was on cloud 9. This is the man that I've always had strong feelings for, loved even and now after all these years I found out that those feelings have always been mutual.

Fast forward ohhh I don't 6 months or so. Person B simply states that he is afraid to be in a relationship. We go on dates, hold hands, act like we're dating... but when it comes to defining it, forget it. In terms of making of making me somewhat of a priority I feel it just isn't happening on person B's side. To be honest I don't think I even cut the top 5 on his list of priorities.

Now I know I may sound like an idiot for putting up with this, but here's the deal, simply put...I love him and always have. The only problem is this isn't the fairy tale that was supposed to happen with him. It's supposed to be effortless with him, I'm supposed to feel the happiest ever, only I don't. I am constantly crying and wondering why I'm not enough for him. I see other people in love and instead of being happy for them I'm miserable that he doesn't want what I want. I'm just not strong enough to leave...

I just need someone to tell me what to do, I'm run down at this point and hopeless...

8 Replies

Bad Timing on May 28, 2013 @ 02:28 pm

At 6 months, I do think there should be a definition of the relationship. It seems like he wants something casual and I think it's totally ok to have a relationship that is more casual, when you're just having fun and enjoying someone's company but if that's not the stage that you are at and if that's not what you are looking for, then I think you need decide if you can live with that.

It's not that you aren't enough, or that you aren't good enough. It's on him, not you. A good, successful relationship needs chemistry and timing. You guys have the chemistry but not the timing. He just isn't ready to give you what you need. I think maybe you need to break it off and take some time to yourself. Figure out what you want and what you need. Maybe one day it will work out but I don't think its the time now.

truth on May 28, 2013 @ 02:34 pm

Sadly I think you're right... and was afraid of that answer. Bad timing is the worst.. :( Thanks for the reply!

Agree with alexjc on May 28, 2013 @ 03:23 pm

I agree, it just seems like the timing isn't right. I also think that you have an idea of what's supposed to happen, and because things aren't playing out like that, you're getting upset. We often (or I do at least) build up these crazy fantasies of how our lives are "supposed" to be (hello every rom-com!) and then when there are awkward moments or something isn't "perfect" we start to doubt everything.

I think you need to take some time and decide what you want. If you're serious about being with this guy in a committed long-term relationship, you need to tell him that, and give him the choice of choosing now or never. Tell him you don't want to be a play-thing. But you also have to be able to cope with the fact that he may choose to end things.

But that way, at least you can move on. And like alexjc said, maybe in the future you guys will run into each other and both be ready for the same thing, but you can't force someone to be ready for something they're not, and you also can't let yourself sit idly with someone who isn't ready for what you want.

So decisions, decisions girl! I know relationships are hard, especially when you feel like you're giving more than you're receiving but you don't really care because you love that person, but what's that have to love yourself before you can be loved. So you have to do what's best for you right now, or else you'll end up resenting him. Just remember that there are (literally) billions of other guys out there, so you will find someone who makes you happy, who you have chemistry with, and who wants the same things.

Best wishes! xo

Ali de Bold
Not cool on May 28, 2013 @ 10:52 pm

Please, after 20 years of knowing each other and the long term feelings he's had for you his behavior sounds like nonsense to me. Either he liked the idea of being in a relationship with you or he is not mature enough to commit.

Either way, this is not how a good relationship should work. I know you love him, but I would give him some space to figure himself out. You know that saying absence makes the heart grow fonder? I'd help him learn the meaning of that saying by taking some time apart.

Being with someone who is not invested in you is a drain on your self-esteem and your emotions. Don't put yourself through that on purpose. He may just need a wake-up call.

Honesty on May 29, 2013 @ 12:53 am

Thank you so much for your honesty. You said it perfectly when you said it was draining on your self esteem and emotions... that's exactly how I've been feeling.

You're completely right, isn't fair to me. I'm going to talk to him and tell him we need to call it and end things because although he's afraid to commit at the moment I'm terrified of feeling this way for another 6 months.

This is a conversation I'm really not looking forward to....

Again, thank you ladies for your help! So nice to have some encouragement when dealing with relationships.

broken on Jun 20, 2013 @ 10:21 pm

Well I did it, I walked away. I am completely heart broken. Time to move on though. Thank you ladies for your help.

Courage on Jun 21, 2013 @ 11:35 pm

Good for you! I know it probably doesn't feel that way, but if he loves you, he's no longer in a position to take that for granted. If he doesn't, then it's better for you to heal now.

I wish you luck and strength!

moving on on Jun 23, 2013 @ 12:27 pm

This is so true. I just keep reminding myself of how I felt being with him..... insecure and unhappy. So I'm taking it one day at a time. For the first time in a week, I've now gone 2 solid days without shedding a tear.... I feel really good about that.

Now I just have to figure out how to move on. I'm working on myself at the moment. Working out, praying/meditating, eating healthy, lots of time with my girlfriends. I just feel insecure on how to go about meeting someone now. How do couples even meet nowadays????

Oh well, I'm going to keep telling myself this is for the best, fake it till you make it right?

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