SPEECHLESS.


Anonymous
on Nov 13, 2011 @ 04:39 pm

I once read a column on Chickadvisor about a woman finding
her partner’s porn stash, I remember imagining myself in her position with my
own partner and quickly dismissed the very idea because I’ve never had a
problem with my boyfriend, thinking he might be looking at anyone other than myself.
He is undeniably loyal, kind, trustworthy, has an awesome personality and
adores me so why would I…Right? I’ve been with him for over a year now and
before that we we’re great friends and continue to be so. We’ve had
conversations with one another about things such as the fact of looking at
other people…and he knows that I don’t like it one bit…as most woman would
feel.



 



He use to have posters on his wall when we first dated and I
let it kind of slide because I didn’t want to be the jealous type to say that I
don’t like them and if he could take it down but his ex had once torn them down
on him when she had seen them and I didn’t want to be anything like that
because I thought it was a little rude…Idk. Eventually after a couple of
months, I expressed my feelings in tiny ways, until I finally just let it out
how I felt. He took them down. Following that, we talked about the posters and
asked questions if we looked up certain things. He explained that he had once
but it was just for kicks…I slept over his house the other night. And we were
on his computer, looking up something I had ordered. I went into his history to
look up a previous site I had been on and found a porn site. He was sitting
next to me, and I looked over…honestly it was just such an “I didn’t just find
that” moment. I actually didn’t believe it, and I know, you’re thinking he’s a
guy. But he isn’t just some ordinary definition of some horny guy, he is the
complete opposite who I never thought would do that because he always led on he
didn’t. I felt a bit betrayed in a way…I mean I’ve been on sites before too but,
it hurt to think he was looking at other people than me. He felt bad about it
and confessed that when I had brought up the site question last year he had
started to go on the site to look up positions. Though when I went to delete
the history I found things like “BIG TITS = NIG COCK” and I thought what does
that have to do with the reason he said. He knew he hurt me, apologized and
said he wouldn’t go on again and I could check if I wanted. He’s not good with
computers so he doesn’t know how to delete history. But what girl wants to have
to do that? I don’t want to have to. I trust him but this kind of made me
uneasy and I really don’t know what to do or say.  I’ve looked up things out of curiosity too
before so I forgave him because I think it wouldn’t be right if I played
all-saint-like but this doesn’t yet feel put in the past…I don’t know why? I
don’t know what to think of this all? Is it a beginning to something that I won’t
like? I love this guy more than words, I just don’t understand.



 


9 Replies


redlaced
Honesty . on Nov 13, 2011 @ 06:06 pm

Guys are very visual creatures. I'm single now but I have dealt with that same issue with ex's. They are going to look, it doesn't mean he wants you any less . The key is he needs to e honest and y'all have to be able to be open about it. Too much of anything is bad so if he HAS to have it then you have a problem. It sounds like an occasional thing which really is normal . Like you ven said , you have looked out of curiosity as well. Guy don't want porn stars , they want real girls. He clearly wants YOU. Try not to over think it and just be open with each other. Let him know how you feel and then let it go. He sound like a great guy. If it isn't a deal breaker for you thn be thankful you two don't have a bigger issue. You have a right to be bothered , him hiding thing won't work long term.

Hope you two clear it up. Good luck love! Xo
Reply

LadyChick234234
What's "normal" anyway..... on Nov 13, 2011 @ 07:19 pm

All men watch porn. Seriously. They all do. If I met a guy that told me he didn't watch porn I'd think he was lying. LOL.

If your man is watching porn, there's nothing wrong with you or your relationship. And there's nothing wrong with him for watching the porn either. Him watching porn has no correlation between how good a girlfriend you are or whether you can do what the porn chicks are doing.

I think a great way to chat with men about this is to understand what specifically turns them on about the porn....and then adopt that into your own lovemaking.

Or watch it together. Maybe you'll find some things hot too ;-)
Reply

Ali de Bold
Not all men watch porn on Nov 14, 2011 @ 09:42 am

Sure a lot of them do, but not all. I don't think saying 'men are visual' is an excuse. Porn is a huge problem for a lot of men and it isn't healthy for your relationship.

I do think it's a step in the right direction that he didn't try to lie to you about it. You need to talk things through and work it out if everything else about the relationship is working. If he agrees to stop but then doesn't, you need to evaluate if he is the right man for you.
Reply

mercurysmile
Be open and discuss on Nov 14, 2011 @ 10:20 am

If you are bothered by the fact he looks at porn you should definitely speak up. From the sounds of it you are letting it build up inside that you dislike it but aren't sitting down together and telling him that you dislike it. This is a difficult conversation because he probably feels ashamed and embarrassed since he knows you don't like it.

Also you have to make sure that you aren't coming off as confrontational, you are explaining to him why you dislike it when he looks at porn. Does it make you feel insecure about your body? Do you think because of porn he will have a wandering eye? etc. Be sure to think about the reasons and express your concerns to him.

Then it comes to finding solutions together with him. You're going to find out why and how much he looks at porn, also how he feels about you. Based on this you're going to have to decide if you want him to stop looking at porn altogether. I'm going to warn you, you cannot force anyone to do anything if they don't want to if you do this he will probably just lie about look at porn.

If he feels himself that porn is a problem be it that it effects your sex life, or he himself feels bad for looking at it. Be sure he isn't just saying he will stop because he feels bad that he hurt you.

Alternatively if he doesn't see watching porn to be a problem. He loves you, he loves your body, etc. and porn is a just thing on the side. Then you're going to have to discuss solutions to make the situation comfortable to you and he can still watch his porn. Maybe you have to set up boundaries, when he's allowed to watch it, etc. This might be that you only watch porn together. He's probably using porn for masturbatory purposes so you guys will have to discuss that too (I must stress that masturbating is normal even in a relationship). Maybe he only watches when you guys are apart for an amount of time. It'll really be up to what you both feel comfortable with.

Just like any problem together you guys should try to work it out together and be open about it. Even if you feel silly that something small bothers you it doesn't hurt to talk about it because little things can nag until they accumulate to a fight.
He sounds like a pretty good guy because he does feel bad that he hurt you, it's up to you now to tell him why you feel that way. I think if you guys are both open you will find a solution you both agree with.
Reply

AlexJC
Don't freak out yet! on Nov 14, 2011 @ 11:08 am

I wouldn't worry too much about this. It doesn't seem like this is an addiction and if he loves you and still has sex with you and your sex life isn't being affected by this then I don't think it is interfering.

While it may seem like he is 'looking at others', keep in mind that this probably has nothing to do with you, your body or how he feels about you.

Porn isn't a reality- it's pure fantasy! When he is looking at these girls, I don't think he is wishing he was with them instead of you.

If it really bugs you explain this to him- tell him why it bothers you. I'm sure that he will explain to you that he loves you- this has nothing to do with you. Don't worry- you will find that his porn watching is harmless.

Just be open with him!
Reply

Anonymous
i agree on Nov 14, 2011 @ 11:23 am


Guys ARE visual. Doesn't mean that's ever an excuse for any action that you aren't okay with but they are visual plain and simple. Curiosity is normal, i agree. Everyone has made good points. Doesn't sound like an addiction at all. A relationship is about compromise and standing firm if something isn't working for you. Communication is what it is all about . Lying won't work, hiding things won't work <--- trust me im dealing with a heartbreak from a jerk who did both. Your guy sounds like someone who you could communicate with. Just be honest, its up to him if he is going to respect your feelings or not. Then it is up to you to decide what you want if he doesn't you know??

when talking about it...be curious to know what he likes about it, be calm, don't freak out, don't assume anything. porn is JUST porn unless an individual creates an addiction or some unhealthy habbit..at which point i would tell you to RUN lol but that doesn't sound like the problem here.

hope it all works out <3
Reply

careforyou
I wouldn't be too worried about this... on Nov 14, 2011 @ 09:27 pm

I think a lot of GF's out there feel the same way as you do when they find evidence that their BFs are looking at porn. I for one have felt the same way. I have since gotten over it though. I know how you're feeling... insecure, unsure of yourself, questioning if you are satisfying him enough and all of that... but really, most men watch porn because, like other members are saying, they are visual creatures... and because, well, they just DO! And it has nothing to do with the love or feelings he has for you. Men masturbate and women need to learn how to become more tolerant of it. You have expressed how you do not want him to watch that stuff anymore, so since he loves you I hope he lives up to his words and doesn't watch it anymore.
Reply

iheartmakeupart
I wouldn't worry on Nov 17, 2011 @ 02:03 pm

I could be completely off base here, but it sounds to me like you may have some self-esteem issues. Judging by comments like you don't want him looking at anyone else, the posters, etc.
Please understand that I am not trying to be rude but I do want to be forthcoming with you.
There could be plenty of reasons that he is watching porn.
a) There isn't enough sexual activity between the two of you & he needs release
b) He wants to spice up your love life
c) He's a visual person and needs the aide for when he masturbates
d) He's curious. He wants to explore new things with you & doesn't know how to tell you
e) He's just a GUY

In my humble opinion (which, frankly, doesn't count for much), the porn is not affecting your relationship. He does not stay home to watch porn, he doesn't choose porn over you, etc.
Most importantly, he is not CHEATING on you.
You've admitted to watching it, too. Maybe you could watch it together.

I apologize if I've offended you (or anyone else) because that is not my intention!
Reply

LyrissaSmillie
GIRLS WATCH PORN TOO! on Nov 17, 2011 @ 06:44 pm

personally, I watch porn more than my boyfriend LOL

I don't think its in any way a "diss" to the girl or boy that each other is dating...its simply...porn and getting off ..period! Unless they have some sort of obsession than maybe that's a different story but honestly I watch porn a lot and its NEVER because I want to be with those people, its because it turns me on and sometimes a girl doesn't want sex she just wants to play a bit and have a little fun... same with men! I don't think women should read into things like this too much because we are all just humans and should enjoy each other for who they, not judge them for the things they are into..like porn! I don't think my boyfriend has ever found it weird that I like porn, we are always honest with each other and he is free to anytime he likes as well! Sexual beings just need to be sexual sometimes and we don't always want it with our partner but don't want to cheat as well...this is a simple way to accomplish that

IMO!
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