Starting a Relationship in a Not so Good way, Should I continue it?

on Nov 09, 2010 @ 10:19 am

So I had just joined this site today and I have actually found a topic about a girl having problem with her boyfriend due to a DUI. I had been talking to a guy for about a month and after many times of going out and getting together, we decided to start dating. He lives a little over an hour away so I see him almost every weekend. We just started dating two weeks ago and he came up to my place this past weekend to hangout. We went out Friday night and we both had enough to drink, I was not in the best state and was not aware that he had some to drink. It's not in his character to drink and drive from my understanding because he's usually very adamant about it. I had driven with him that night and he hit a curb where he did not hurt anyone, however a patrolling officer did eventually come, took a Breathalyzer and took him into the station because he blew the test.  I went back to my house but I was so embarrassed. I usually have a very open relationship with my parents so I had explained it to them and they were very disappointed in me and want to talk with him. My parents have very high expectations especially because my previous boyfriend was amazing with them. Anyways, I don't want to judge my new boyfriend based on a mistake right off the bat but I'm not sure if it's even worth pursuing and getting to know him further. I'm skeptical and unsure how to approach the situation. Should I stick with this or quit while I can?

4 Replies

red flags, hon... on Nov 09, 2010 @ 01:12 pm

The thing is, you're supposed to be on your best behaviour early in the relationship. This is the wooing phase - manners, best foot forward, and all that.

Drinking too much happens to most of us, so I don't fault him for slipping up there (though I'd personally be turned off by it so early on). But unless he was slap drunk (which you would have noticed I'm sure), he was sober enough to make the decision to drive even though he probably realized he was over the limit.

There is no excuse for "I didn't know" - we've all heard the lectures and most of us know our personal limits. Generally speaking, an average-sized person who has one drink per hour with food plus a waiting period after that final drink (say 30 mins or so) will metabolize the alcohol on time to get behind the wheel legally. Someone who is slender, petite, or has an overall low alcohol tolerance should drink even less.

By the way, I'm not a police officer or a doctor, so I am only speaking from what I've heard and personally experienced.

If he bashed into a curb and it was serious enough that an officer had to attend the scene, he obviously had more than that. I'm guessing he had a lot more.

The DUI is actually kind of beside the point. He is making irresponsible decisions, and that this to be showing up so early in your relationship is a red flag in my books. I'd have to say you should walk now before you fall in love and then it'll be that much harder to break it off.

Be strong :)

Instinct on Nov 09, 2010 @ 01:42 pm

I think I've definitely learned to trust my instincts when it comes to relationships. Usually if you have doubts and bad vibes, it means something is wrong...

You seem to be very close with your parents and someone with very solid moral standards. After a situation like this, it's going to be very difficult for your parents and this guy to get along, unless he's straight A's from now on in every single area. Make sure you don't compromise your relationship with your family over a guy, because family is forever... but great guys are everywhere.

But if as you said, he's usually very adamant about not drinking and driving, this is hopefully a one time blip. I think you should definitely talk to you about it. If he's on his knees apologizing, and promising it won't happen again, then you may be in the clear. If it happens again though, then something's awry.

Good luck! I hope you make the right decision :)

Ali de Bold
Let your parents talk to him on Nov 09, 2010 @ 06:53 pm

I think you should let your parents have the discussion with him and you can decide after that point. It is either one of two things:

A. He's a good guy and made one poor judgment call.

B. He's just shown you his true stripes.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your parents and they can help you navigate this. I know it's awkward as heck for both of you for him to have this discussion, but your parents have your best interests at heart and they can give you their honest opinion about him.

If you are open to that, I'd give it a shot. It can't hurt!

Let us know how it turns out.

Good parents are usually right on Nov 11, 2010 @ 06:26 pm

You seem to have a very close relationship to your parents, because if this weren't the case you definitely wouldn't have opened up to them about what happened.
Definitely don't disregard their opinions on this, but also listen to you own instinct.

Does the guy in question feel very sorry for what happened and does he genuinely seem disappointed in himself for being so stupid? Or does he not really seem very worried about it?

I think most people deserve to prove themselves after they've made a mistake, and if you feel this guy is a special one don't kick him to the floor immediately. Just be careful, take care of yourself! Make it clear to him that he has disappointed you.

However if you don't feel that much for him to begin with don't waste your time on him.
Whatever you do, I can't highlight enough that you have to stay safe. Drunk driving is foolish and dangerous, and in this case selfish as he was not only risking his life, but yours too.

Take care


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