this is a HUGE decision for me?!


Anonymous
on Jun 02, 2012 @ 01:22 pm

before i begin to explain, i ask that you please remain completely unbiased as you read. the situation may seem childish and complicated, and it may appear that small details are missing, but in order to protect myself from judgemental people i've chosen to write it this way. that said, all opinions, positive and negative, are more than welcome and i seriously appreciate all advice, it means the world to me. x
i'm 16, and i feel that telling you my age is important to consider, but i don't want that to bring on negative thoughts or notions. when i was 12, i met a boy who later became my boyfriend, and in november we will have been together for 3 years. (he's a year older than i am, if that matters). i love him wholeheartedly, and i know he loves me. i sort of think that he loves me more than i love him sometimes though. he was my first everything -- kiss, etc., and until now i thought he'd be my last. skipping all of that, there are a few problems in our relationship.
- the distance
- i don't feel like i can talk to him about much
- sometimes things can get boring because he doesn't really know how to hold a conversation, and then i get frustrated
- i don't get a long with his family (mainly because of all their issues) and i don't agree with their values (he has only 6 cousins, all girls, and 5 of them are younger than 18 with their first child already & not married, etc., and there are tons of other issues in his family). these things don't bother me too much anymore, but considering that we've been dating for three years i feel compelled to think on long distance terms.. like how i wouldn't want my (our) kids to grow up thinking all of those things are acceptable, etc.
blahblahblah, i'll get back to this.

before i met him ^ though, i spent a lot of my childhood summers in england with my family, and i knew another boy, who is 7 years older than i am. (he's 23 now). for as long as i can remember, he's always liked me, but i had never really liked him as anything more than a playmate until i got older. now that he's grown, he's out of school and working, but in england, a 12 hour flight away. i know that it's silly for me to be thinking so far ahead considering i'm only 16, but growing up and marrying someone so far ahead could = a good thing, because you have someone/something to lean on, rather than just jumping into the world yourself. seeing as we've been friends for so long, we are comfortable, can and do talk to each other about everything and distance has never seemed to bother either one of us.

i am unable to differentiate between my love for the first guy & the second, and that is why i'm writing here.
i worry that if i leave the first guy for the second guy, the 1st one will be heartbroken and then maybe things won't work out with the second guy, and by the time i realize my mistake the 1st guy won't want me anymore. i also worry that if i go to the 2nd guy and then realize it was me who made a mistake, i'll leave the 2nd guy heartbroken, because so late in life he needs to think of things on a serious level considering soon it's time for him to settle down.
i'm really sorry that this is so complicated and i'm not doing a good job breaking it down lol.

so my question is, what do i do? here is an attempt at summing it up clearly:
- i love the first guy, i've been with him for 3 years and i am rather content. i worry about the future though.
- the second guy and i have been close forever, and i would like to try things with him despite the distance, but i worry that if i realize i can't/don't want to do it, i don't want to leave him alone and heartbroken so late in his life (23), because this is the time when he is thinking about the future and settling down.

also, my family is something very important to me. i come from a long british/italian bloodline, and it took a lot for these two cultures to blend civily for my siblings and i. my parents have always been and for the most part always will be accepting and supportive of what i do and what i choose, but i worry that they will be very disappointed when they find out about the first guys family (they haven't been a huge fan of his to begin with). regarding the second guy, my parents dont know him all that well but i can't see any reason why they wouldn't like him -- he's very nice and loyal, supportive and stable. i have considered the age difference but i don't see how they could object to that considering they are seven years apart as well.


any questions, please ask. i know this probably seems more than rediculous to most of you but i ask that you please don't judge. regardless, i appreciate all advice and opinions. thanks.. x

 


9 Replies


harlei1981
Take a Break and Think on Jun 02, 2012 @ 01:58 pm

As someone a lot older, and with more life experience, my best advice to you is to not see anybody. Take a break from your boyfriend, and continue to be friends with the other guy. You are 16 years old, and you don't even know who you are yet. I was in a situation similar to this when I was 16, and I didn't end up with either of those guys. The person I am at 30 (my age now), and the person I was when I was 16 are two totally different people. If these two guys care about you as much as you say they do, they will be open to taking a break, or just being friends. And, really, the 23 year old guy needs someone closer to his age. I know that you may think you know everything right now, trust me,I did too. However, if I had known then what I know now, my life would be a lot different, and I would have made different decisions. I think that you should live your life, hang out with your friends, do the things that a 16 year old should do, not the life of a 25 year old.
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Bren
Wait..... on Jun 02, 2012 @ 05:15 pm

First off I want to say you are very lucky to have a supportive family can you and would you feel comfortable talking to your Mom about these issues?

I agree with what harlei1981 said...You are still very young I know young people hate when older people say that but we only say that because of our own life experience.I am in my mid 40s and when I was sixteen I had my first boyfriend it was not as serious and as long as your relationship has been.But I still remember when we broke up I was heart broken and thought the world would end.Now I look back and realize wow I was only sixteen and glad it didn't get serious because I could still be a teenager and make fun memories with my friends and move on with my life and experiences and careers.

You don't want to be thinking of marriage or children right now!If your even having thoughts about a second guy then you are having confusion.You need to tell your first boyfriend you need some time to breathe and be alone....If you two are truly meant to be you will come back together...But in the end you may find out that you were not meant to be.He is only your first boyfriend.Dont let yourself get tied down so early!Believe me when I say this you would regret it!Live life and explore first.

As for the fellow in England a long distance relationship is hard!But if your broken up from your boyfriend and decide to explore that as a relationship then keep in mind he is as you said a 12 hour flight away!He is also older and may be ready to settle down.

Let yourself be single for a few years(date of course but don't get serious)think about schooling and future field of work you may want to do and put a career first.You really do not want to get so serious,married or pregnant so young you will feel trapped and depressed.Good Luck!Please let us know how things go...





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Anonymous
thanks! on Jun 02, 2012 @ 07:36 pm


thank you guys both very much! i really appreciate it [;
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cakemom23
Follow.... on Jun 03, 2012 @ 07:50 pm

I would say the same, Maybe take a break from your BF for the moment (to start) and see how you feel. And as far as the older guy, if he really likes and cares about you he ill understand that you need sometime. Continue talking to him, just dont rush nothing. In time you will know whats right for you. Your still young enjoy life...
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AlexJC
Take time off on Jun 04, 2012 @ 10:04 am

First, and this may be an unpopular idea but, I want to say that during those young years, dating isn't always the best idea. When you're young, focus on you. Dating can complicate things and take away your focus. Your younger years are for having fun and dating can get serious and really messy. Secondly, as tactfully as possible, I want to suggest that you stop seeing the 23 year old. As someone who is of that age, I can tell you that a 16 year old and a 23 year old are in very different points in their lives. Simply put, he's too old for you. I have friends who are getting married, living on their own, starting full time careers at 23- someone at this point usually doesn't have a ton in common with a 16 year old.

Ok, I'll step off my soap box now. Because of course, this is your decision and your life. However, I do agree with the others and suggest that you take some time off from both these guys. Focus on you and really look into what you want. Of course, know that whatever you chose to do, it should be because it's what makes you happiest.

Good luck!
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Ali de Bold
Agree on Jun 04, 2012 @ 10:42 am

Harlei1981 and Bren said everything I would say.

Don't rush into any decision. Know that despite your maturity, all of you are still young and will change a fair bit over the years. I personally think it's ideal if people can wait until at least 25 to get married because you change so much before then. The worst thing would be to marry really young and then change your mind a few years down the road when you realize he isn't what you want anymore.
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Tiffmorris
agree on Jun 12, 2012 @ 11:27 am

The best thing you could do for yourself and both these boys is to step back from relationships and get to know yourself more. At 16 your still just developing your own values, morales and beliefs, not just that you're still developing your wants and desires for the future. Something you think you want down the road now, will most likely change in 10 years. For one thing, experience is really key to getting a good idea of what characteristics you want in a future husband, the only way to get that experience is by going on dates with different types of boys. Also you should be focusing on developing your life long friendships, because when all is said and done they will be second most important people in your life, the people you turn to for advice, and so on.

Ultimately it comes down to this, if you feel you love both these boys the same amount, then truly neither is right for you. When you meet the guy you should be with, no other man will ever come close to comparing and it will always be a no brainer.
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halsalla
I know how ya feel on Jun 13, 2012 @ 06:26 pm

I have had many bad relationships in the past and now I am with this guy and I feel the way you feel about guy #1, we have been together a year now and it's always the same problems: he is away all the time, he doesn't offer much support when I talk to him, and although it is my family who is crazy we still have the family issues of them not liking him/not knowing him or whatever. It is never too early to be thinking about your future, already me and my boyfriend have talked about marriage, kids, moving away and we already live together. You are younger so you may not wanna move in with him but there are things you have to consider.
So here is what you have to think about,
- Would you want to risk your relationship for a possibility?
- Are you freaking about the future and being uncertain because you have a fear of commitment?
- Do you want to give up on 3 years of your life because you are afraid?

From reading, I think you are only having a lapse in certainty, you obviously love the guy you are with, you may be afraid of the future but family will eventually settle itself and it's not them raising your kids, its YOU! So you can raise them however YOU want, they dont get a say in the matter. It is your life, so no one else other that the 2 of you can really decide what is best. ( and i think you should stick it out with him and trust me, that him being boring thing blows over, just start up a hobby like video games or painting). :)
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Anonymous
You are too young to be let something like this consume you on Jun 15, 2012 @ 07:58 pm


I just want to say that at 16 there are far more things you should be thinking about then who to spend the rest of your life with. There's so much more in you future and boys are only a small part. The fact that you are having doubts about both of them means that neither of them are for you. When you find someone you love, it is unconditional, which means that all those problems go away. If you're still stressing about these things then you're in the wrong relationship. Take a step back for yourself.
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