this is a long story would like advice from anyone who will read.

on Feb 03, 2014 @ 06:13 pm

Ok so I have been in a relationship for 4 years.
It started two months after his divorce. I have known him for years before that.
He only married her because while he was in the military he went on leave and acciedently got her pregnant the night he met her and it would be to expensive for her to have the baby on her own and he was adopted so felt it was the right thing to do.
Needless to say I have "baby mama drama".
He did not serve overseas so the rest of this story has nothing to do with PTSD anyways....
We love each other and have been through so much that I cant even type out the words I wish I could, and how he was there for me through the whole thing and he has experienced hardships and turmoil as well.
But sometimes I think the time and how we feel is not enough.
I do not doubt that he loves me but he is an emotionless zombie that almost every day he is hateful and rude. On good days he is somewhat human meaning he shows for lack of a better word contempt.
I have been putting myslef through school working and taking care of him and his child whom I adore as if she was my own. He has no initiative no drive. I feel we skate by and would be lost if I did not work so hard and do so much. I know I "baby" him but there is nothing I havent tried to fix this. We have went to a therapist, we have had talks, we have tried ignoring but I am not ready to leave and somedays I wish I could stop caring so much but I dont know where I would have ended up with out his support in the beginning. Now I feel that maybe that he just felt sorry for me because we were friends first and he knew my life story. and now that we have been together its just not doing it for him. He never cheated never betrayed me in anyway but he is controlling and at times un tolerable  with his screaming and cusing ranting and raving its like having a really loud obnoxious screaming song you hate so loud all you can do is stare at what is in front of you untill its over then its back to zombie mode then the next day he acts like he didnt do anything and wants to cuddle then wonders why I get distant.
Then the tables turn to where I try to do what ever I can to make him comfortable and do the things he likes, and what have you, and I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of one day of depression, the next day overjoyed his interest in me then the next a completely catatonic state if that makes sense of just waiting for it to be late so I can dream of him being a selfless romantic man I once saw him as.
He is selfish and feels everyone owes him something and it is a broken record of this bizarre cycle.

7 Replies

so many issues here on Feb 04, 2014 @ 09:49 am

I don't even know where to start. Maybe with this: you guys need professional help. I know you said you have already tried that, but if this relationship is important to you both, try again. Therapists are like buying jeans. Some fit okay, some don't fit at all, and some make you look like a million bucks. Maybe you haven't found the right therapist yet?

So here are my major red flags (not singly, but when taken as a whole):
1. He's adopted
2. He married his baby mama because it was the right thing to do (having gotten her pregnant on the day they met)
3. "I don't know where I would have ended up with out his support in the beginning" says to me that you were going through something and he "rescued" you from that situation (emotionally at least).
4. He's in the military
5. "He feels everyone owes him something"

ALL of these things make me wonder if he has abandonment issues. Adopted kids can struggle with that, depending on their background. It would explain his desire to be there for his child, and his desire to be there for you. Members of the military share a strong sense of honour and duty, and the military provides a family of its own - a sense of belonging. But it's also a tough love type of family, and even if he was never deployed, he will have been in contact with other soldiers who've experienced horrible situations and I can only imagine how difficult some of those relationships must be.

This is all GOOD STUFF. But then you say he's emotionally absent, screams and curses at you. This is emotional abuse (both the withdrawal and the outbursts). I'm not saying he's a bad person, but I would bet he's got some deeply rooted issues that he has not worked through and it's making it difficult for him to have a normal relationship with anybody.

So this is not about you. It's about him. That also means you can't fix him. Only he can fix him. Try to encourage him to seek help, be a support to him, but don't grovel and debase yourself. Is it healthy for his child to see him act this way toward you? Toward the child's mother (I'm guessing that's a not-so-healthy "friendship" either)? This child is a GIRL. What kind of relationship hangups is she going to inherit?

If this relationship is just sucking the life out of you and he's unable/unwilling to change, you need to seriously consider moving on. I can tell you feel a certain obligation to him and maybe also to his daughter, but you need to look at the big picture here. What will happen if you become pregnant? Are you willing to raise your child together with this man in the midst of his struggles? Having a baby or getting married never improves a relationship. Both of those things should be an act of celebrating a healthy and loving relationship, not a remedy.


Bad Situation on Feb 10, 2014 @ 10:01 am

Like @mamaluv said, cursing, yelling, the emotional distance are all ways of hurting you, it's emotional abuse. Right now, this relationship seems toxic. Even you said that he causes you to have major roller coaster emotions. This seems like it is a bad situation that you need to get out of. I do think professional help might help and I would even say that you would both benefit from individual and couples therapy.

Yikes! on Feb 13, 2014 @ 05:46 pm

From what it sounds like, at least to me, is that he has deeply rooted emotional issues. None of which really involve you. From being adopted to joining the army, to having a bad first marriage; it sounds like he should seriously seek some professional help because in his condition he can't be a good father and husband that you and his daughter need

uh oh on Feb 17, 2014 @ 11:48 am

Kick him to the curb, you deserve better! It will be tough leaving the child and him but it is your life and you deserve to be happy!!

I hope this helps on Feb 18, 2014 @ 01:02 am

First off I want to point out that these issues that he has actually don't have anything to do with you. It is safe for me to say that as long as you are being honest here. If all you are doing is trying to make his life better he has no reason to treat you so badly. So again, these issues and problems he is going through don't have anything to do with you. These are problems he has with himself. And to be honest if you pack your things and leave it will most likely break him. Keep in mind he did the wrong thing to marry this women just because he got her pregnant and it is just as wrong as you staying with him for the same reason. It is damaging to everyone involved if two people are together for the wrong reasons. You need to sit him down and address his concerns. Don't start with your concerns. Start with his. Let him know that for the last while you have notice a change in his personality and attitude around the house and especially around you. Don't accuse him of anything in specific because he will automatically go into defence
Mode. You don't want him to feel like he is being attacked by you because it will only end in a fight that way. Once you have gotten off your chest that the atmosphere is different in the house that's where you want to address anything that is bothering him. Work issues, parenting issues, relationship issues. Let him know that you are open to anything he is willing to talk about. If he is not willing to discuss these issues with you, you need to make him understand that no relationship can ever work without communication skills and if he is uncomfortable speaking with you the relationship can never move forward. This is not going to be an easy task so do not take it lightly. You have to come to the realization that if things are not going to change you have to get out of this relationship regardless of how much it hurts right now. The longer you wait to address this the harder it's going to be. Keep in mind that the last four years are never a Waite of time as I'm sure you have learned many things about life and yourself. Also keep in mind that even though it has been a long four years if you allow the next ten years to pass they will feel even longer. Things need to change now or they never will. Keep in mind you cannot help someone that doesn't not want help. You cannot change anyone. If someone changes themselves for you they are doing it for the wrong reason. They need to change for themselves. If they change for any other reason, as time passes they will end up being the same person they were before. Good luck with all of this my dear and if you feel anything I have said has helped in any way and want to discuss more please feel free to contact me through here or via email at

Hugs on Feb 18, 2014 @ 09:44 am

First of all, a huge hug for what you are enduring. I was in a somewhat similar situation, and wasted 10 years of my life before divorcing. Somehow I always knew that is how it would end, but I held on to hope. Before giving too much advice, can you tell me what you see brutally honest. I always knew inside it would have to you feel like that, even ocassionally?

How on Jul 01, 2014 @ 01:28 am

How did you know it was time for a divorce?
I know its been a long time but its been getting worse I'm so tired of trying but I do care for him. I think our time is up.

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