Tricky situation


Anonymous
on Jan 16, 2012 @ 02:15 pm

Situation:  
My best friend was talking to a guy, let's call him Jon, about a year ago which lasted around a month.  Eventually she completely blew him off with absolutely no explanation and went back to her ex-boyfriend (she was also talking/spending time with him during this time period).  Recently Jon and I have become interested in each other and would like to see where things go.  I tried to not let it go there, but you don't really get to choose who you care for.  My friend is not taking it well and the last thing I want is to lose our friendship.  She is currently still dating her boyfriend and they both see it as serious and plan on being together in the future.  

There's a part of me that completely understands why she is uncomfortable with it but then at the same time I feel shes being selfish and is trying to get the best of both worlds while dating one man and not wanting to let the other go.  I'm having a really hard time figuring out what is right.

Please let me know what you think of the situation and any advice you may have.  
 


10 Replies


AlexJC
BF or not? on Jan 16, 2012 @ 03:56 pm

I totally see how she is being selfish- you and "Jon" have really hit it off and she seems to be perfectly happy with her current bf, there is no reason why she should be preventing you guys from hitting it off.
In the past, I've dated guys where it never went anywhere but they were good guys who I'd happily give to another girl if I knew they'd hit it off so she is being selfish.

She clearly was never really into this guy but while they were talking- did she consider herself to be in a relationship- was he her boyfriend?

If he was then I do understand, even if she didn't like him, why she would be uncomfortable.

In any case, I gotta go with the old saying 'sisters before misters'! Talk to her first, explain how you feel and if she really is uncomfortable with you two being together then I think it might be time to let him go. On the other hand, you lose the friendship- it's time to decide which is more important to you!

Good luck! xxoo
Reply

shellsbells85
AGREE on Jan 16, 2012 @ 08:01 pm

I completely agree with Alex!

Also, if she is really that ticked at you, chances are she may still have a little thing for him, regardless of the fact she has a boyfriend. Maybe she isnt TRULY happy with her current man too?? She has to realize she blew off "Jon" and therefore, he can do whatever he pleases now, whether that be pursuing something with you or not. Again, because she stopped showing interest in Jon, and it was all ended on HER part, I think you should be able to go for him..afterall, its not like he was her ex bf and it ended badly or anything where he did an awful thing to her!

If she is a great friend, you two should be able to talk maturely and honestly about the situation.
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takoda
Anonymous on Jan 17, 2012 @ 09:46 am

My best friend and I always had a rule that we wouldn't date someone
that the other had dated before. That worked for us when we were both
still in our dating stages. How ever I do see your point in this
situation. There was a few times when we both had dated guys that the
other would have love to have bin with instead, but we both kept to our
rules no matter how we felt. In the end it did work out because she knew
who was right for me and I knew who was right for her. That's just how
we did things, it doesn't mean we all have to do things that way. Have
you had any talks with your friend like this where you both agreed not
to see a guy that the other has already bin with? If you have and your
girl friend knows you well enough to know that he really isn't for you,
then that's one thing. If you've never had anything like this between
the two of you and she's just uncomfortable about it for her own
personal reasons, then you need to talk to her about this like adults.
If she really cares for you then she should want you to be happy no
matter who that may be with. The best thing you can do is talk to her
about this and be as honest with her as you can. Make her sit there and
let you say every thing you need to before she replies to you. Make her
really think about why she's feeling the way she is. She just might
realize she's just being silly, or you might find out something bad
about this guy that she knows and hasn't told you before. She could have
a very good reason why she doesn't want you to be with him. Talking to
one another is always the best thing to do because know matter how much
we may think we know what the other person is thinking and feeling, we
really don't know unless they tell us. Good luck with your friend and I
hope everything works out for the best for all of you.

Reply

mamaluv
ridiculous on Jan 17, 2012 @ 11:48 am

I think your friend is being unfair.

But let me start with a disclaimer - I am married to a man on whom my best friend at the time had a crush for several years. She had asked him out on several occasions and he said No unequivocally each time. The attraction between him and me came on very suddenly and I told her about it immediately. Needless to say, our friendship ended that day and I still feel badly about how I hurt her. HOWEVER, they had never dated nor did he ever give her reason to think she had a chance (they never talked or hung out). So I guess some of you would see me as having betrayed my friend and I would understand why you'd think that way.

Back to your friend. It sounds like there was no relationship there, so what is her basis for thinking you should keep away? If she's truly in a good relationship with her current BF, I really don't see what the problem is. (On a side note, I don't really see what the problem is with dating someone a friend HAS dated in the past if it's long enough ago and you discuss things up front with your friend.)

To me it seems like your friend is unjustified in getting uptight about this. She does not have any claims on him, has told you she doesn't plan on pursuing a relationship with him... so, what's the issue?? No one has eternal dibs on someone you dumped, much less never even started something with in the first place. This isn't like a donut you took a bite out of and no one should eat the leftovers. Girlfriend left that donut on the store shelf without buying it, so she needs to take a chill pill.

Ask yourself if you can be friends with someone who puts something so petty (and it is because SHE NEVER HAD HIM) in the way of your possible long term happiness? My hubby and I are happily married many years now and have children. When I think about if I had avoided him, what would my life have been like without him? I don't want to contemplate that.
Reply

beachbabe
A few thoughts on Jan 17, 2012 @ 12:20 pm

I agree that your friend is being unfair. If she's planning a future with her boyfriend, there's no reason for her to have a problem with it. Just like you said - you can't control who you develop feelings for. If she's really a friend, she'll understand that.

Unfortunately, sometimes situations like this just happen. This happened to some friends of mine. It's a little different in some ways but I'll tell you the point of my story at the end: I know 2 girls, let's name them Sally and Rachel. They had been best friends ever since they were little girls. As they got older, Rachel began to date a guy we'll call Adam. They were young, about 16 or 17 and dated until they were about 19 and 20. During this time, they had planned to get married in summer 2011. But in summer 2010, Rachel broke up with Adam because she felt in her heart he just wasn't the right guy for her. But they remained good friends. A few months later, Sally and Adam approached Rachel and explained to her that they want to persue a relationship - but only if she was ok with it. She said yes and was happy for them. She said if they're meant to be together, she didn't want to be in the way of that. Then about 6 months later, Sally and Adam got engaged. They got married this last summer in 2011, the exact time Rachel and Adam originally planned to be married.

Now Rachel said the relationship with her best friend and ex was ok and then they got married. I don't think she ever thought they would get married to be honest. She took it quite hard. She looked rough at their wedding! Poor girl had a broken heart. They're all still friendly with each other but no longer friends.

So this is my point. Rachel let him go. That means any girl in the world could come along and choose him and it just happened to be Sally. Unfortunately, the friendship ended. But Sally and Adam are VERY happy and even have a baby on the way. Look what they'd be missing out on! In your case, your friend also "let this guy go" (although there obviously was no seriousness going on) so it's completely unfair for her to stand in the way.

Try talking to her again and explain that the only way you can know if this guy is for you is to spend time together and you'd love to have her support in this. Even tell her you'd like to find someone you care about the way she cares for her boyfriend. You shouldn't be restricted in your choices just because your friend can't let go of someone she "talked" to way back when. Your situation is way less involved than the one I explained - I think Rachel had way more of a reason to have a hissy fit if she wanted to. But she didn't even though it was hard for her to watch. So I hope your friend can get on board. If not, it'll just take discernment on your part: is it worth risking your friendship for a relationship with a guy?

I'd venture to say if your friend can't be understanding and supportive over such a small thing... you probably need some space (even if only temporary) anyways.

Reply

mamaluv
great story! on Jan 17, 2012 @ 03:49 pm

Great story, beachbabe - thanks for sharing! Yeah, it's tricky all right and someone is bound to get their feelings hurt, justified or not. In the case of your friends, the timing was perhaps hit a little too close to home with the wedding happening in the same season as the aborted plan AND the fact that the first relationship was so long and serious.

I'm guessing that based on what you said these relationships will mend with time. The fact that they are still friendly bodes well, though they may never regain the closeness they once had. I give Sally and Adam huge props for asking for Rachel's blessing, and to her for giving it. It's totally understandable how hard it is for everyone involved, and I hope Rachel finds her Mr. Right soon.

To the original Anonymous poster: I hope this demonstrates to you that you are NOT being unreasonable by expecting your friend to not interfere with your budding relationship. No one expects her to be a cheerleader about it, but she shouldn't stand in your way.
Reply

Becky
exactly on Jan 18, 2012 @ 12:15 pm

@mamaluv, I loved your "ridiculous" post. In my opinion, it's bang on. No one can call eternal dibs on someone! The one exception I would think is if a bff was in an abusive relationship, and she got out, you shouldn't get involved with her abuser. But that just goes without saying, why would you wanna get involved with an abuser anyways?

@beachbabe, wow those three are really good people! Loved the story, thanks for sharing :-) I betcha the reason Rachel felt so bad is for what could have been if things had worked differently, not because she wanted to marry Adam. Even when we know something isn't right for us, we miss it because of "what could have beens". We miss the relationship we thought we were in with the person we thought he was. Hope that makes sense..

The only thing I can think of why she might be hissy about this situation is that a) she has feelings for him and wants to keep him as an 'out' should her current relationship not work out, or b) they were more involved than she's let on to you, and she doesn't want that info to come out in front of her boyfriend.

I would say have a really honest talk with her. If it's "a" there's not much you can do with her, but you should totally give him a chance (no one should be an "out" for someone else!), and if it's b) then perhaps talk to her and figure out a way to ensure that doesn't happen... like stay out of her and her bf's way while you're with the guy..and keep it that way until you get into a real relationship with him, at which point you can probably trust him enough to tell him not to bring up his past with her.
Reply

mamaluv
reply on Jan 18, 2012 @ 01:02 pm

@becky - yes, I agree that my "ridiculous" post was extremely eloquent :P Also, I now want a donut.
Reply

Empress_AliFu
sisters before misters on Jan 18, 2012 @ 01:19 pm


I like how alex put that.

Maybe your friend is upset because the definition of friendship is very serious to her. Also, she may be upset because if the situation was reversed/or a situation like that already happened she would not/did not do that to you. Or, there could be lots that you don't know about what happened while they had their thing going on why she feels so strongly against it.

If you truly like the guy, and you feel deep in your gut this is the one, go for it... if your friend loves you she'll want you to be happy - but know that change is inevitable and this will probably change the dynamics of your friendship.

Your friend can still love you and want the best for you even if she keeps you at bay.
Reply

BettyfromCA
Follow Your Heart on May 06, 2012 @ 10:30 pm

That is all I can say.

Regards,
BettyfromCA
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