on Jan 16, 2012 @ 02:15 pm|
My best friend was talking to a guy, let's call him Jon, about a year ago which lasted around a month. Eventually she completely blew him off with absolutely no explanation and went back to her ex-boyfriend (she was also talking/spending time with him during this time period). Recently Jon and I have become interested in each other and would like to see where things go. I tried to not let it go there, but you don't really get to choose who you care for. My friend is not taking it well and the last thing I want is to lose our friendship. She is currently still dating her boyfriend and they both see it as serious and plan on being together in the future.
There's a part of me that completely understands why she is uncomfortable with it but then at the same time I feel shes being selfish and is trying to get the best of both worlds while dating one man and not wanting to let the other go. I'm having a really hard time figuring out what is right.
Please let me know what you think of the situation and any advice you may have.
|BF or not? on Jan 16, 2012 @ 03:56 pm|
I totally see how she is being selfish- you and "Jon" have really hit it off and she seems to be perfectly happy with her current bf, there is no reason why she should be preventing you guys from hitting it off.
In the past, I've dated guys where it never went anywhere but they were good guys who I'd happily give to another girl if I knew they'd hit it off so she is being selfish.
She clearly was never really into this guy but while they were talking- did she consider herself to be in a relationship- was he her boyfriend?
If he was then I do understand, even if she didn't like him, why she would be uncomfortable.
In any case, I gotta go with the old saying 'sisters before misters'! Talk to her first, explain how you feel and if she really is uncomfortable with you two being together then I think it might be time to let him go. On the other hand, you lose the friendship- it's time to decide which is more important to you!
Good luck! xxoo
|AGREE on Jan 16, 2012 @ 08:01 pm|
I completely agree with Alex!
Also, if she is really that ticked at you, chances are she may still have a little thing for him, regardless of the fact she has a boyfriend. Maybe she isnt TRULY happy with her current man too?? She has to realize she blew off "Jon" and therefore, he can do whatever he pleases now, whether that be pursuing something with you or not. Again, because she stopped showing interest in Jon, and it was all ended on HER part, I think you should be able to go for him..afterall, its not like he was her ex bf and it ended badly or anything where he did an awful thing to her!
If she is a great friend, you two should be able to talk maturely and honestly about the situation.
|Anonymous on Jan 17, 2012 @ 09:46 am|
My best friend and I always had a rule that we wouldn't date someone
|ridiculous on Jan 17, 2012 @ 11:48 am|
I think your friend is being unfair.
But let me start with a disclaimer - I am married to a man on whom my best friend at the time had a crush for several years. She had asked him out on several occasions and he said No unequivocally each time. The attraction between him and me came on very suddenly and I told her about it immediately. Needless to say, our friendship ended that day and I still feel badly about how I hurt her. HOWEVER, they had never dated nor did he ever give her reason to think she had a chance (they never talked or hung out). So I guess some of you would see me as having betrayed my friend and I would understand why you'd think that way.
Back to your friend. It sounds like there was no relationship there, so what is her basis for thinking you should keep away? If she's truly in a good relationship with her current BF, I really don't see what the problem is. (On a side note, I don't really see what the problem is with dating someone a friend HAS dated in the past if it's long enough ago and you discuss things up front with your friend.)
To me it seems like your friend is unjustified in getting uptight about this. She does not have any claims on him, has told you she doesn't plan on pursuing a relationship with him... so, what's the issue?? No one has eternal dibs on someone you dumped, much less never even started something with in the first place. This isn't like a donut you took a bite out of and no one should eat the leftovers. Girlfriend left that donut on the store shelf without buying it, so she needs to take a chill pill.
Ask yourself if you can be friends with someone who puts something so petty (and it is because SHE NEVER HAD HIM) in the way of your possible long term happiness? My hubby and I are happily married many years now and have children. When I think about if I had avoided him, what would my life have been like without him? I don't want to contemplate that.
|A few thoughts on Jan 17, 2012 @ 12:20 pm|
I agree that your friend is being unfair. If she's planning a future with her boyfriend, there's no reason for her to have a problem with it. Just like you said - you can't control who you develop feelings for. If she's really a friend, she'll understand that.
|great story! on Jan 17, 2012 @ 03:49 pm|
Great story, beachbabe - thanks for sharing! Yeah, it's tricky all right and someone is bound to get their feelings hurt, justified or not. In the case of your friends, the timing was perhaps hit a little too close to home with the wedding happening in the same season as the aborted plan AND the fact that the first relationship was so long and serious.
I'm guessing that based on what you said these relationships will mend with time. The fact that they are still friendly bodes well, though they may never regain the closeness they once had. I give Sally and Adam huge props for asking for Rachel's blessing, and to her for giving it. It's totally understandable how hard it is for everyone involved, and I hope Rachel finds her Mr. Right soon.
To the original Anonymous poster: I hope this demonstrates to you that you are NOT being unreasonable by expecting your friend to not interfere with your budding relationship. No one expects her to be a cheerleader about it, but she shouldn't stand in your way.
|exactly on Jan 18, 2012 @ 12:15 pm|
@mamaluv, I loved your "ridiculous" post. In my opinion, it's bang on. No one can call eternal dibs on someone! The one exception I would think is if a bff was in an abusive relationship, and she got out, you shouldn't get involved with her abuser. But that just goes without saying, why would you wanna get involved with an abuser anyways?
@beachbabe, wow those three are really good people! Loved the story, thanks for sharing :-) I betcha the reason Rachel felt so bad is for what could have been if things had worked differently, not because she wanted to marry Adam. Even when we know something isn't right for us, we miss it because of "what could have beens". We miss the relationship we thought we were in with the person we thought he was. Hope that makes sense..
The only thing I can think of why she might be hissy about this situation is that a) she has feelings for him and wants to keep him as an 'out' should her current relationship not work out, or b) they were more involved than she's let on to you, and she doesn't want that info to come out in front of her boyfriend.
I would say have a really honest talk with her. If it's "a" there's not much you can do with her, but you should totally give him a chance (no one should be an "out" for someone else!), and if it's b) then perhaps talk to her and figure out a way to ensure that doesn't happen... like stay out of her and her bf's way while you're with the guy..and keep it that way until you get into a real relationship with him, at which point you can probably trust him enough to tell him not to bring up his past with her.
|reply on Jan 18, 2012 @ 01:02 pm|
@becky - yes, I agree that my "ridiculous" post was extremely eloquent :P Also, I now want a donut.
|sisters before misters on Jan 18, 2012 @ 01:19 pm|
I like how alex put that.
Maybe your friend is upset because the definition of friendship is very serious to her. Also, she may be upset because if the situation was reversed/or a situation like that already happened she would not/did not do that to you. Or, there could be lots that you don't know about what happened while they had their thing going on why she feels so strongly against it.
If you truly like the guy, and you feel deep in your gut this is the one, go for it... if your friend loves you she'll want you to be happy - but know that change is inevitable and this will probably change the dynamics of your friendship.
Your friend can still love you and want the best for you even if she keeps you at bay.
|Follow Your Heart on May 06, 2012 @ 10:30 pm|
That is all I can say.