trying to remain strong through the tears

on May 04, 2013 @ 03:26 pm

I am going to try to make this as short as possible by giving enough info but it's a long story. any advice is welcomed. refrain from judgement and ill comments please. me and my fiance got into an argument one day. very stupid argument and when I went to make food in the kitchen he came in kissed my forehead and continued to go up and down the stairs. doing what? I didn't bother to see. when I got done and brung his plate upstairs he was gone! clothes everything. I also was pregnant at the time and wasn't very happy about it because I did not want more kids. any way, he was gone, I was like WOW!! he called me two days later as if nothing had happened and said hey babe just wanted to let you know I arrived in n.y safely. im like wtf!!! new York! that's where he lived previous from moving here to Tennessee where I currently live by the way. my point is he just up and left and got on a plane and went back without saying a word to me then just called two days later as if it was ok to do that.. I was hurt, crying for two days thinking he walked out on me and he acts as if he went on a vacation to visit his kids like he told me that.. but he didn't!!! he's wondering why im so upset and why am I over reacting, im like how can any one in they right mind think that this is ok.. why did he pack all his clothes then just to visit for two weeks as he stated? why did he not tell me? the list goes on anyway. he even left money on the table for me as if idk..anyway that was in 2012 the end of july coming into august.,.i was very confused and lost nothing made sense. he was like he'll be home in a few weeks, I was like oh no u wont be.that he needs to start telling me the truth and stop playing games with me because his actions seem very suspect.i said if you were planning to leave me and not come back just tell me.. he still says that's not what he was doing etc.. I just did not feel like a person does this to another person, I needed time to think about who was this person I was about to marry and be with for the rest of my life before I said iok come back, I have other kids, I just had to really think..i wondered was he thinking about going back to his other baby mother etc.. he said of course not. this is like august now and he's trying to work and get money up before he come back but still I could not shake the feeling something isn't right. so I told him I still need more time to think, he's telling me how much he in love with me etc.. pouring it on hard, crying etc.. this is getting long let me shorten this. long story short, he still in n.,y he was suppose to come back this month when our daughter was born, and he been great this whole time sending money for holidays etc, calling, texting , gifts the works..til i get a email from his sons mother telling me they been sleeping together since september of 2012 and moved in together in december and she broke up with him in feb. 2013 and i was like WTF.. but yet this the same girl who was calling me sending me emails in feb saying how bad he's doing and that i need to be there for him cause he loves me so much and he been miserable without me.. my head is spinning!!! i got to him immediately like how could you do this me, i was texting him by the way.. after all these months he telling me he would never do this to me and he been miserable and i need to trust him and he sorry the way he left .. u get the picture!!!!! i was pregnant!!! for months we planning what we gon do etc when he get back, he dying inside day and night and made me think i was crazy for even assuming he was sleeping with someone else!!! he text back like baby im soooooo sorry!!! i was lost, because u hated me from the way i left!!! i didnt know what to do..  i just cried, he called i didnt answer because the same time he telling me he sorry, his baby mother textn me telling me he cussing her out calling her all types of bitchs and telling her she destroying his life with his WIFE AND DAUGHTER!!!!!! oh now im his wife?? im just sick to my stomach.. i just stopped and cried and havent said a word to anyone since yesterday.. i just hold my baby girl and just wonder am i to blame because i didnt alow him to come right back.. i dnt know what to do or say now if anything.. i just dnt see how was that live, or being in love .. im just lost and crushed!!!!! all he text last since i wouldnt answer the phone is ( he dnt wanna get into it, he done talking, and he do love me).. and that she's just upset because he dont love her and he loves me and etc.. but yet he was sleeping with her for months lived with her and was coming back down here and talking to me all the time as if this other life wasnt even going on, am i crazy !!!  i dont even know what to feel, think or say and i dont even know what i expect to get advice on, i guess i just dnt know why im even writing this, my daughter was just born two weeks ago, i feel like if i do not know what love is by now? i never will

14 Replies

That's a lot to handle. on May 06, 2013 @ 02:36 pm

First of all, what he did to you was horrible and you deserve a million times better. Someone who does that to someone else DOES NOT LOVE THEM. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. He may say and even think he does love you, but that's not how it works. You're right, you just don't do that to someone you care about.

This man left you out of the blue, while you were pregnant, cheated on you (and not just cheated, MOVED IN with someone else), lied to you your face about it, and made YOU feel like crap and guilty about it the entire time. Also, if I read correctly, he also missed the birth of his daughter. You said to refrain from judgement and ill comments, but girl, this man is scum.

You're not to blame at all for what has happened. If I was in your position, I wouldn't have let him come right back after he left either. That's some super shady business he pulled. It really does seem like he was moving away and not coming back, and the fact that he left and didn't tell you for two days then acted like everything was fine? Not right.

You said you had other kids, and a newborn now, so my best advice is this: focus on your kids. Give them all your love and time. They're the most important thing, not you, not him. You gotta do what's best for them now. My advice is forget about this guy. If you want him in your daughters life that's great, a child should be given the opportunity to know both their parents, but when it comes down to you and him, i'd say end it. He will always be a part of your life as the father of your daughter, but stop investing emotionally in him. It won't be easy, but you need to get out of this horrible relationship.

Agreed. on May 06, 2013 @ 04:01 pm

I agree with everything @lissag has said. Actions speak louder than words. You don't show your love for someone by leaving without a second thought. It's a bad situation for you and your daughter. Be glad he's out of your life. Focus on you, your daughter and feeling better about yourself.

Whoa... on May 06, 2013 @ 04:04 pm

Wow, this whole situation sounds very Jerry Springer-ish. And if that sounds harsh, it's only because that's what it looks like from the outside.

You said something very important at the beginning: "I needed time to think about who was this person I was about to marry and be with for the rest of my life before I said ok..."

I agree with lissag. Allow your daughter to know her father as long as he is acting like a responsible father (I was encouraged when you said he is sending money, so at least there's that), but protect her too. This guy sounds unstable. It seems like he was up front with his other woman that he was two-timing which is ... interesting, but then you mentioned his angry outbursts and everything. I think he needs to figure out his life before he makes a commitment to any woman.

Bottom line girlfriend, you need to let him sort himself out SEPARATE FROM YOU. You do not need to be in the middle of that. If he needs moral support, he can go get it from his family/friends. You are a mother and your daughter needs stability, not drama. You do not need to marry your baby daddy to give your daughter her best possible life. A father is important, but there are many strong and successful one-parent families out there who manage just fine. Ask a brother or grandpa to step in and be a father figure for her right now, someone who is not going to run away to another state without so much as a farewell text message.

Good luck!

Thank you on May 13, 2013 @ 11:09 am

@lissag that was very blunt and to the point and in all honesty I truly appreciate it, @alexjc, @mamaluv I thank all of you kind ladies for taking time out of your day to even read my thread and give strong advice, much needed advice at that. I know in my heart this is not what I deserve or need. He recently popped up unexpected a few days ago with th e whole I love you, i'm so sorry etc... he love me etc.. but yet all I could ask myself was (NOW) you decide to get up, jump on a plane and come try to make it work! where was all that when he was sleeping and starting a relationship with his ex.. smh.. he met his daughter etc.. really all it's been tho is him trying to get me back. I just do not trust a word he says and I honestly hate, I mean HATE the way I feel just being around him. It all hurts so much. Not knowing what to believe and what to trust is no way to live and it is messing up who I am.. I allowed him time with his daughter while he's here in the state at the moment but I will be sending him on his way in a couple more days because his home is not with me anymore, It's back in new York where he ran back too when he first broke my heart. No point in back tracking.. again I truly, truly appreciate all of you lovely women very much!! Love and blessings... And a happy mothers day to all if it applies..

Ali de Bold
Not relationship material on Jun 05, 2013 @ 05:17 pm

Read your original thread again to yourself and then ask yourself, do I deserve better? The answer had better be yes. I certainly hope for your sake this man is out of your life for good.

Thank you on Jun 24, 2013 @ 12:48 am

@Ali de Bold you're absolutely right! Thank you.. .. I am moving forward its painful but I know I have to do better for my kids and myself. He came down here to try to persuade me back but I kept strong and asked him to leave. For a man to be able to do all that and then finding out he also been telling her he loves her has been very heart breaking. the fact he just says it meant nothing and now treats her like crap for telling me, all of it is just too much to live with. but I am not turning back at all!! Thank you..

Focus on YOU. on Jun 24, 2013 @ 09:13 am

I totally agree with @AlexJC & @LissaG..

"I agree with everything @lissag has said. Actions speak louder than words. You don't show your love for someone by leaving without a second thought. It's a bad situation for you and your daughter. Be glad he's out of your life. Focus on you, your daughter and feeling better about yourself."

You definitely need to try and focus on your daughter, and yourself.

Focus on the most important aspects in your life.

Thank you on Jun 24, 2013 @ 08:46 pm

@KatelynRose1984 Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. Everyone has really given me strength to move forward and that is what I'm going to do, no looking back. Thank you for the positive words and I will and have been focusing on what's most important.. my baby and myself,, you ladies are wonderful people.. thank you

I'm probably going to get a whole lot of flack for do deserve better. on Jun 26, 2013 @ 02:51 pm

No one deserves what you were going through, and it is his fault, he made the choice. It was he who was in the drivers seat at that time. But...

.... if I were in the situation where my partner didn't trust me at all, I would leave too.

thank you. on Jun 26, 2013 @ 03:07 pm

Thank you S. barry for the words. also though he did not leave because I didn't trust him, that was never an issue with us. he left just to leave. and then when he was on his way back I found out he was sleeping with someone else!! and that's when I no longer trusted him, with good reason and told him not to come back... he always had my trust! he wouldn't of even got caught if the girl wouldn't of told me.. and then i'd still be trusting him for no reason

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