was I wrong or was he overeacting?


Anonymous
on Jul 18, 2010 @ 12:21 am

Alright, I'll give you some prior info that has alot to do with this scenario. I have been engaged twice in my life, once was about three years ago but only lasted a little while before I ended it because I found out he was cheating, and I am engaged now. The ring my ex gave me was two carats and my current boyfriend knows it was two carats because he asked me and I didn't want to lie so I told him the truth. Today we were looking at rings and I was pretty excited, actually I was ecstatic:) I was asking the woman at the store lots of questions, and I picked out what I would like just to give him an idea so when he went to purchase a ring he wouldn't be clueless. I noticed he was very distant, he never stood next to me as I was looking and trying rings on, and I had to call him over to me when I found the one I loved because he was at the other end of the store. After we left the store I asked him, what's wrong? I can tell something is wrong. He eventually tells me that he doesn't like that every ring I picked out just so happened to be two carats which was the same size my ex gave me. He says I became accustomed to getting that and now I expect two carats. That I could only be happy with two carats or more, that I'll always be comparing the ring he gives me to the ring my ex gave me. I found this to be completely absurd but because I saw that he was a little upset I apologized and assured him the only reason I picked the rings out were because I actually loved them not because they were two carats. One ring I picked out was actually one and a half carats so not every ring was two carats. I was very apologetic until he hurt my feelings by saying that I'm use to getting everything I want and that I demand two carats which is so untrue, so I got angry because he ultimately ruined my happy moment by insulting me and not being happy that I was so happy to be trying on rings. We argued in the car and he said I was acting just like his ex girlfriend. That sent me over the edge and I got so angry I yelled and demanded he drive me to my car. No matter what you should never call the person you're with by anyone elses name or ever compare them to your ex and that's what he did. I left and have not spoken to him since. Was I wrong? Was he wrong? What the heck is going on here? Thanks ladies
 


7 Replies


Ali de Bold
Let him choose the ring on Jul 19, 2010 @ 10:10 am

I can relate to what you did in the jewelry store because I was just like you. I tried on every big shiny rock in the store so he would know my taste. Looking back 6 years later, I wish I would have butt out and let him make the decision without my influence. I feel like my behaviour at that time essentially dictated to him the type of ring I got, regardless of what he wanted to get me. I wish I had nothing to do with the decision now - not because I don't like my ring, but because I didn't want a ring from myself. I wanted one from him. To be honest, it's something I still regret to this day when I look at my ring. It's exactly what I wanted but I'll never know what he would have wanted to get me.

There is no satisfaction in getting the ring you made him buy.

I'm sure it was very thrilling to receive a 2 karat rock from your ex and it might feel like a let down to have your next ring be anything less, but is that really the point? 2 karats is a huge investment to expect of your fiance. I can see how he would feel uncomfortable in the store after seeing those price tags and also knowing that it's the same size of ring you've received in the past from someone else.

I know there can be some societal pressure in certain circles that you have a certain size rock, but take a step back and look at that. Isn't that messed up?? Why should the man you love so much have to shoulder the burden of impressing everyone with the size of your diamond? Of course you like it. Who wouldn't love a glorious sparkling rock? But wouldn't you love any ring that came from him?

The size of your diamond says nothing about how he feels about you. Sure it's nice to have something sparkly to look at, but the life you build together is infinitely more important.

You probably won't agree with me, but if I were in your shoes, I'd apologize to him. Tell him that you got caught up in the moment and that you regret making him feel uncomfortable. Tell him that any ring he buys you is perfect and that you don't want him to feel pressured to match what your Ex gave you. Then truly butt out, stop taking him to jewelry stores and let it happen naturally. Even if he buys you the world's tiniest diamond, it will be from him and that will be enough to make you proud to wear it.
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mamaluv
agreed on Jul 19, 2010 @ 10:43 am

I agree with everything Ali said. I think there are 2 things going on here which we should be careful to separate.

1) shopping for the ring
2) the argument that happened afterward.

I think you both may be feeling the ghost of relationships past. There is a comparison there - seems like for both of you - that does not belong in your current relationship. You both had defensible points and overreactions based on what I'm reading and you should probably both apologize to each other for allowing your exes to enter that discussion. You should never be compared to his Ex and you also need to avoid anything that draws comparisons to yours.

A dear friend of mine didn't want to get rid of some valuable jewellery given to her from an ex, even though she was dating someone else. It was beautiful and tasteful, but it was from her ex and she needed to completely purge her life of that before she could truly move on. It's similar to another discussion we had in this forum about a man who kept all his bed linens and knicknacks from his past relationship and expected his new GF to be cool about it.

What your BF said to you was over the top. However, I can see how he may have felt provoked, even if you didn't mean to do that. Apologize to each other for the way this argument went down and have a mature and heartfelt conversation about your expectations of each other. You love each other, right? This is just a bump in the road - it's not a dealbreaker.
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StephB
thoughts... on Jul 19, 2010 @ 11:26 am

I agree with what's been said above.... just one thing to add. Engagement rings are very expensive and he may or may not be in a position to comfortably afford to buy you a 2 karat diamond. He may not want to come out and say that he can't afford it (again, him thinking that you will compare his financial situation against your ex) but it's something to think about.

As Ali said, really, does it matter how big the diamond is if it comes from him?
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Anonymous
I realized I was wrong on Jul 19, 2010 @ 04:21 pm

Thank you ladies! I knew I was some what wrong, but now I can actually see how wrong I was. I honestly did get caught up in the moment and meant no harm, but I can see now that even if though I didn't mean to hurt him I did. Ali you made a great point, I never thought about it like that and you are so right I don't want a ring from myself and I would forever regret not knowing what he would have chosen for me. Also as mamaluv said I didn't do my best to avoid drawing comparisons to my ex and I never thought about it until now I feel terrible. I realized how wrong I was and as soon as he gets out of work I am going to apologize to him, and we are going to sit down and have a proper conversation about it. Thanks again ladies!
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Ali de Bold
:) on Jul 19, 2010 @ 04:44 pm

So glad we could help. I'm sure he'll appreciate you having that conversation with him. And don't worry, so many of us have been in your shoes. Good luck with your talk and let us know how it goes!
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mamaluv
before you think it's all on you... on Jul 19, 2010 @ 07:48 pm

You do deserve an apology too. He should not have said those mean things, and hopefully he will man up and take responsibility for them as you have for the things you said. It sounds like you are dealing with this head on and that's the best possible thing you could do right now. Bravo to you for your bravery and humility! Best of luck :)
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Anonymous
I apologized on Jul 20, 2010 @ 12:02 am

I apologized today and so did he, we both were wrong and I'm so glad we got over this, I hated being angry and I hated him being angry as well. I was waiting to see if he was going to apologize after I apologized and if he didn't I was going to freak out lol, but he did and we're getting over it. Thanks so much for the advice if it wasn't for you ladies I don't think I would have realized I was kind of in the wrong :)
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