What do u think bout this?

on Nov 20, 2007 @ 05:52 pm

Girls who stay in abusive relationships and by using the term "abuse" i mean verbal,emotional and physical?my best friend id currently in this typa relationship and it kills ME to see her suffer the way she is...how do i help her out and actually get her to listen to me..im really worried

3 Replies

Feisty Redhead
been there... on Nov 20, 2007 @ 07:32 pm

Speaking as one who has been on the opposite side of the fence in this kind of situation (more than once), there's really nothing you can do but just be there for her when she wakes up to what's going on.

Usually this sort of thing is related to control issues - the guy (or girl, because let's face it - guys aren't the only ones who can be jerks) has gotten into her head that she needs him, she's lucky to have him because nobody else would ever want her etc. He gets a hold of her and gets her thinking she honestly needs him around. When you're in that kind of relationship you're just blind to what is right in front of you, and then when you do realize what's going on you deny it because you just don't want to believe that you would ever let yourself fall into that kind of thing. And there is also the possibility that she's scared to leave him - scared that what he's convinced her about nobody else loving her etc. and she doesn't want to be alone, or scared of what he might do to her if she tries to leave him.

Granted that's just a very very brief version of my experience, and every situation is different. But no matter what the situation for her, if you say something chances are she'll end up upset with you; for not liking her boyfriend who means the world to her (even though he doesn't deserve her love and affection), for not trusting her judgment - there's probably going to be something she will be upset about. So really, all you can do is GENTLY bring up your concerns to her and if she gets defensive then drop it or you could end up in the middle of a huge fight with her over it but at least she'll know you're concerned about her and maybe that will even get her thinking about him and how he treats her. It's really important to choose your words carefully and watch your tone, don't get upset or sound angry or say something that might inadvertently make her feel like she's done something wrong or anything like that. No "How can you be so stupid" kind of talk - that's only going to make things worse. I got a lot of that when I was in those bad relationships and it really did not help at all - it was like affirmation that everything he had said (I was lucky he was giving me a chance because no one else would etc.) was true. So be as gentle and calm as possible. And then just tough it out and wait - chances are soon enough she'll get out of the relationship and when she does she's going to need a lot of love and support and understanding from her friends and family.

Basically - just be there for her.

Been there... on Nov 20, 2007 @ 07:59 pm

I had a friend in the same situation, and it took us a long time to get her out of it. She was too scared to leave him, and was worried he would come after her if she tried to leave, she was also afraid that she would have no where to go. It just took a lot of persuading from our friends, as well as making sure we would be by her side and provide her with the support she needed. The biggest step in helping her was that we convinced her to tell her parents what was going on, once they knew and let her know that they were by her side, it made her decision to leave a lot easier.

When she did finally leave, about 10 (including her parents) of us were at her house to help her out. We got her to leave when we knew her boyfriend would be at work, we all worked together to pack all of her clothes and any items of importance, We tried to get as much of her stuff as we could, so she wouldn't have to come back to the apartment for any forgotten items.

We also made sure she got a restraining order that day against him, which helped ease her mind a bit. As well everyone worked out a semi schedule to help get her to work and school everyday, so she wouldn't have to be alone for the first while and she changed her cell phone number, in case he did try to contact her.

Hopefully everything will work out for your friend, no one deserves to be in a relationship like that. The biggest thing I found in helping my friend was to make sure she knew how much support she had from everyone, and that she can get through this.

u guys have been really helpful on Nov 21, 2007 @ 07:10 am

thank u so much,it's a really tough situation coz she has been seing the guy for over 2years and they have broken up but he stalks her and threatens ME to leave her alon...wats up with that?im really hurt coz she is really like a sister to me and right now i feel hopeless...il use your advice and once again thank u so much

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