What's going on with this guy?

on Mar 26, 2012 @ 02:32 pm

So I started a new job a few months ago and one of my co-workers has caught my eye. He's very cute although a bit younger than me.

When he sees me his eyes often go really wide and sometimes he'll look away quickly. He acts a bit nervous and fidgety in my company and can't hold eye contact. So, I thought maybe he liked me too. He also stares at me a lot. If I didn't fancy him I'd find it quite creepy tbh. We do chat sometimes, just stuff about what we've done at the weekend. I don't see him that much as he's in a different department. I'm quite nervous around him anyway (fear of rejection) so I can't flirt but I try to be friendly and I've given him 'the look' a few times. He's never mentioned a girlfriend, so I don't know if he's single or not.

Anyway, about a month ago I sent him a Facebook friends request and he never responded to it. He's added quite a few of our other co-workers so I know he's not funny about adding work people, hence why I added him (and the others too - they've ALL added me back!). I wondered if maybe he'd not received the notification so I cancelled the request and sent it again, a couple of days ago. Again, nothing.

He's left comments on some of our mutual friend's walls since then so I know he's been online.

So naturally I'm a bit upset and wondering why he's not added me back. Is he intimidated? Or have I been reading him wrong all this time? Not sure what to think but beginning to wish I had an 'off' switch for my feelings. :( 

16 Replies

Weird on Mar 26, 2012 @ 02:55 pm

That's the thing sometimes with co-workers, they add some to facebook that they're closer with and not others. Next time you see him and talk about the weekend, bring it up if it bothers you that much.

sounds strange on Mar 26, 2012 @ 02:55 pm

Are you of a higher rank than him in your company? Are you particularly close or particularly distant from the boss(es)? There could be any number of reasons why he's acting this way. I would say that at best he's probably undecided or is not very relationship-aware (meaning he just isn't getting your signals and/or doesn't realize his nonverbal cues are misleading).

I hate to pull out a tactic from the elementary school playbook, but could you ask a mutual friend if he's said anything? Maybe even get a wing girl to suss him out? His actions do not seem clear enough to me and in your shoes I'd be nervous just asking him out flat. But then, that's just me :)

Hmmm on Mar 26, 2012 @ 03:11 pm

Sounds a little weird to me too! Co-worker relationships are always a bit funny so it could just be that. I wouldn't read too much into the FB thing just yet, it could very well be nothing at all.

I think continue being friendly, maybe try and get closer to him, talk more one on one, discuss things you have in common, try and build a real foundation for a friendship and see where that leads.

OP here on Mar 26, 2012 @ 03:12 pm

Hi, thanks for the replies.

No I'm not his superior or anything! It's a very relaxed, social and fun workplace, and as I said we do chat sometimes so I thought he'd have no problem adding me back on FB. Several of the employees in our organisation are in relationships together, so there's no problem there, although I wonder if that's putting him off anyway, the fact that we work together.

I've liked him since I first saw him, it was instant attraction. And a few days later (just before Christmas) we all went out for drinks after work. I ended up sitting next to him and our legs were touching under the table. I thought I was imagining it, so I moved my leg away but a few seconds later his leg was leaning against mine again! And I've never have anyone look at me the way he does - it's almost as if he's scared of me, his eyes almost pop out at me! It happens all the time, and a few weeks ago I went into my boss's office and he was in there too, he saw me and looked down quickly. There's been so many things that make me think he might like me, but now I wonder if it's just me...

I had thought about saying something to one of the other girls, who I chat to quite a bit (and he's FB friends with), even if it's just to ask if he has a gf or anything. But I'm not sure, I'd hate for it to get out!

I don't really want to bring the FB thing up with him, in case I sound desperate! I'm reasonably attractive and quite fun and interesting too I think, but this has got me pretty down.

in that case... on Mar 26, 2012 @ 03:42 pm

Well, it certainly sounds like he's giving you all the right signals. I agree with AlexJC that you should start by building your friendship and then let things happen naturally. I would not allow this to get you down - so far all that's "happened" is that he hasn't added you to Facebook yet. There could be any number of reasons for that so I wouldn't read too much into it.

In my experience, usually where the attraction is completely one-sided, it's obvious to everyone (pyschos excluded, naturally). Unless you're completely off your rocker, he probably is attracted to you but is unsure what to do about it. Certainly if he has a girlfriend already, he's probably in denial about his feelings to some degree.

If he has a gf, it really should be on his FB profile. Is there a way you could find that out discreetly? I know what you mean when you say you don't want word to get out... I'm exactly like that too :)

Facebook... on Mar 26, 2012 @ 03:59 pm

I have such a love/hate relationship with FB. It's great for looking at people's photos etc but when things like this happen I wish I'd never joined!

Yeah, I'm going to try and act normal around him and just chat when I have the chance. I do feel like my legs are turning to jelly around him but usually if it's just him and me we'll chat. But then I start to doubt myself and wonder if he's staring at me because he's freaked out by me or something. Maybe I look like some crazy ex of his?

He is friends with quite a few girls, and I've seen pics of him with them on some of his friend's FBs. But I don't know if he's actually dating any of them, it doesn't say! And I'd rather he mention a gf during one of our chats, so I can move on! When I ask what he's done at the weekend he'll say things like "I went out to see some bands with friends", or "I went for lunch with my family" then he'll quiz me about what I did. One of my friends said I should ask him a question starting with, "Does your girlfriend..." but I think that's too obvious!

Ali de Bold
Don't overthink it on Mar 27, 2012 @ 04:18 pm

I do think it's strange that he hasn't accepted your request but I don't think you should start coming up with theories about why or assume he hasn't gotten it. Even if it went to his spam folder, he would see it when he logs in to FB. If you really want to know, why not ask him in a casual/joking way why he hasn't accepted your friend request. Say something in a laughing way like "hey I'm getting the silent treatment from you on Facebook. Am I not cool enough to be your friend?"

He will have to address it either way at that point. It could be as simple as he does have a girlfriend and he's worried if he accepts your request you will see that.

Yeah on Mar 27, 2012 @ 05:20 pm

I tend to obsess over these things, lol. "Does he have a gf, if not why doesn't he just put me out my misery; does he not want to risk letting me see his stuff and contact him" blah blah.

Today I decided that I was going to try to stay away from him. I only saw him once. He said hello and acted quite normal around me. He also stood and watched me as I made coffee. Maybe he just likes looking at me, I dunno. I don't think I'll mention FB though, I don't want to come over as a controlling psycho.

I mentioned the situation to my mother (big mistake!) and she said maybe he's scared at me, given the whole wide-eyed staring thing. I don't think I'm scary though! Thanks, mother.

I imagine he did get the friends request, given that I sent it twice. And he's not accepted for whatever reason. In the meantime I'll give him a bit of space but be pleasant and chatty when I do see him.

the job or him: your choice! on Mar 28, 2012 @ 03:09 pm

I'd say what do you want more the job or him? b/c if you do like your job and see yourself thre and get into a relationship and it ends badly it will create a big problems for you! Seen this happen too many times so I wouldn not suggest a relationships with co-workers.

Yes on Mar 28, 2012 @ 04:20 pm

and it's happened to me before in a previous life. And it was incredibly tough. Different circumstances though, he was my boss and made my life difficult at work. I think sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I know plenty of people who work together and are together.

Anyway, maybe that's what this guy thinks too and maybe that's why he won't add me back, because he doesn't want to tempt fate. He certainly acts like he likes me. But probably nothing will ever come of it.

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