when i was 15

on Nov 16, 2011 @ 10:34 pm

This story may bring up very certain feelings in some, and I understand if you judge it.

I was 15 years old, I had fallen in love and lost my virginity to a boy a year older than me. I was soooo inlove with him ( blindly like most young girls). I got into a life style I should not have. I was raised by wonderful parents, surrounded by a loving family, yet I still had to break all rules..like testing them. Of course at that time I didn't see that, now I do. For about a week I was sick, throwing up, motion sickness, so so ill. My mother took me to my GP and hours after I get a phone call telling me I am pregnant. I dropped the phone...my mom picked it up.

Long story short, I had an abortion.

I remember all of it.

I am now in my early twenties. I used to blame my parents, but now i just feel guilt. My parents both regret having had  me do it. I should have walked out of the clinic maybe, but i was so immature, so stupid, and the love of my life was a guy making drug type decisions. (god i was stupid)

I know my parents did it to protect me, and to keep me from his highly disfunctional family. I hate that I hurt them, and put that on them. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

I would have had my baby at 16, my child would be 6 years old now.

I have sought counseling but I feel this has effected every part of me. I am PROCHOICE for those with the right reasons.

No matter what therapist I see, I feel like a murderer and I still pray to that child.

Has anyone been through this?

If you hate me for what I did I understand .

11 Replies

I don't hate you! on Nov 17, 2011 @ 08:49 am

Sometimes this is a choose woman have to make and its never an easy
one and yes it can stay with you for the rest of your life just as
giving a child up can. I think seeking help to deal with these
feelings is the best thing anyone in your situation can do, but
please don't feel like everyone hates you, or that your a murderer
because your not and we don't all hate you. Just think of the life
that baby would have had if you hadn't had the abortion when you
did. From what you mentioned of the father he surely wouldn't have
bin a very good one and God knows if he would have even stayed
around to help you out. I've never had to go through this myself,
but my son just did this past summer when his then girl friend told
him she was pregnant. She was 16 and he had only just turned 18 at
the time. Both are still in school, had no jobs and no way to care
for a child in the way a child should be cared for. He was scared to
death and as it turned out I believe she only told him all this and
had him believing it because he had broken up with her two week
before this. I say this because I've never gotten a call from her
mother and I know if it was my daughter that would have bin the
first thing I did. The thing is he believes its true and he's hurt
because of it as well. he wanted to keep the baby, but knew he had
no way to care for it. Any how woman fought and have even died for
the right to have an abortion and as far as I'm concerned should be
able to keep that right. How ever if they aren't responsible for
them self's as adults and just use this right to get rid of a baby I
don't think that's right at all. I don't believe most woman do this,
but unfortunately I'm sure it has happen. I'm sorry you're feeling
so bad about this an have for so long, but try sticking with the
therapist and if that one isn't doing the trick go to another one.
Remember your human and we all have done things in our life's were
not proud of at some point, or another. In the situation you were in
at the time I think you made the right choose for both the baby and
your self. Please try to feel better, hugs to ya!!


Ali de Bold
You were a child yourself on Nov 26, 2011 @ 10:26 pm

My heart aches for you reading this. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I know at 15 years old you probably felt like an adult, but in reality, you were still a child. A child shouldn't have to make such monumental decisions. Your parents advised you on what they thought was best at the time and so this is a burden you can share with them.

By sharing your story you are helping others. Really good things can come out of horrible circumstances. I think it is healthy for you to pray for this baby and it is natural for you to grieve. When you do choose to have children in the future, you will cherish them so much more because of this experience. In the mean time promise yourself to do everything in your power to make sure that when you get pregnant again it is under the right circumstances. Big hugs to you!!

So sorry on Nov 26, 2011 @ 11:00 pm

First you are very lucky to have had and have the support of your family!Many girls go through that and are scared to tell there parents or there parents are not supportive.At that age yes you still are so young and that had to be so scary and sad. That's good you grieve and pray to your child keep doing that.Its also good to keep going to counseling and really grieve and cry and get it all out.Try find a support group were you can meet and be with others who have gone through this you can all talk and support one another.I bet you feel if any a little better to have posted this that's a good step to pour out your feelings.Keep a private journal and write that may help as well.The main thing is just to have good support around you and take care of yourself.Hugs to you

I am sorry on Nov 29, 2011 @ 12:45 pm

Reading this makes me grieve for you:(!!!! I can't imagine what you went and are going though... As teenagers we all make mistake but they are to make us stronger,your parent did what they thought was best for you because they love you and want whats best for you....I want to tell you stop feeling like a murderer but I might to..I am lost for words at the moment as my heart aches for you so much right now......Please feel better and take care...I LOVE YOU and I am pray for you...HUG and KISSES

big hug on Dec 08, 2011 @ 04:43 pm

I dont know what you went through or have any great advice etc, just wanted to send a big hug to you from me :)

No matter what feelings come up, always remember how loved you are!

how can anyone hate a child? on Dec 09, 2011 @ 11:22 am

You were just a child yourself back then! How can anyone hate you for what you had to do? You were a child faced with an extremely tough decision. I can't even pretend to know what you felt back then, and how you feel now. It probably feels like you're very alone in this, but you're not. We all make bad choices in life, and often we have to pay the price for it. Some prices leave external scars and some internal.

I think it's very normal to pray for your baby, but you also have to learn to accept the decisions you made and forgive yourself. Know that your parents advised you on what they believed was best for you. I can relate to the crushing feeling of hurting those who love you best. Just resolve to never put yourself in that situation again. And be the best daughter you can be for your parents, as a thank you to them for always being there for you and helping you through the toughest situations of your life. To be that 'best daughter' and succeed in life, it's imperative for you to forgive yourself and be happy.

Therapy does help people, but for the level of guilt and heartache you're feeling, I don't know if just talking about it will be healing enough for you. For you to heal, you need to forgive yourself. You're feeling like you committed a crime, for you to forgive yourself for that you need to do something to pay for that crime. You can talk about something until you're blue in the face, but until you physically DO something to sort of atone for it, you're still going to continue feeling the pain and guilt, and it won't get healed.

Have you ever thought of volunteering in a pediatrics department in a hospital? Maybe helping sick children will help heal your heart about your lost child, and help you feel like you're making atonement for the baby you lost? Know that your baby is in a good place, and you're helping other children in his or her place. Also have you thought about working/volunteering as a counselor in summer camps / day camps? Often the camps have kids who perhaps come from tough backgrounds, and I bet those kids could be helped by someone with your experience and understanding. I often find helping others helps to heal ones own heart, so those are my suggestions for you to do something to heal yourself.

Again, I can't imagine how you're feeling and what you're living with. My heart aches for you, I pray you find forgiveness and healing very soon...

You have an important story on Dec 09, 2011 @ 12:08 pm

I totally agree with everything that's been said here so far. You were too young to fully realize the consequences of the abortion and it was right of your parents to guide you with that decision. Whether it was right or not to actually have an abortion is something everyone has to decide for themselves. Not to shift any blame onto your parents, but there is no need for you to carry this burden alone. Remember that this was their grandchild too - perhaps talking to them about your feelings might be helpful? They too might be dealing with their own regrets.

I think your story is really important. I am personally pro-life but I do recognize that there are circumstances where the issue becomes clouded. It's not always a stark yes/no situation. I'm pro-choice too in the sense that I believe the decision should be the woman's own, not the government or her family or the father of the baby. However, I think too many women see abortion as being an easy solution to the "oops" of unprotected sex rather than a more (arguably) justified reason due to rape, medical danger to mother, etc. I wish more women would allow the baby father's feelings to be taken into account, even when the final decision is still hers to make.

Perhaps this is an area where you can be effective in the future. Others have mentioned volunteering - maybe when you're strong enough (and perhaps that is a while from now), you might consider volunteering at a clinic that helps women who are trying to decide about aborting or not.

There are those who are 100% sure about their decision - these women you cannot affect with your story. But there are others who are truly conflicted and your perspective might be the push they need to be brave enough to carry their baby to term and allow it to be adopted into a loving family.

In the meantime, as Becky said, your baby is in a safe place. I truly believe innocent children go to heaven and there are no tears or pain or regrets there. It's time for you to try to forgive yourself. This is a hard thing to do, but you must start to release this pain. See a counselor, talk to supportive friends and family (and we at ChickAdvisor are trying to be supportive friends to you!), and rebuild your life.



You're not at fault on Dec 09, 2011 @ 08:57 pm

Really want to hug you right now to make you feel better. But don't blame yourself. All the grief will really tear you apart. As people, we need to learn how to continue on with the mistakes we have made, and we certainly all have so many regrets. But just know that you are not alone.

You are definitely a compassionate person, and that is by no means a fault. The fact that you can still care about what you had to do proves that you are a person and not a murderer. There are some people who wouldn't even think twice about it.

I know I can't exactly relate to your situation, but I wanted to give you support and let you know that you are loved. You parents must have had a hard time making the decision too, and you can definitely talk to them about this. Just get it all out.

I've also heard stories and read on blogs where people have written a letter to their baby. They write about how they could have been and why they did what they did, etc. Try to accept what has happened so that you can become happy again.

All the best, and I hope that you do feel better. <3

You will be okay. on Jan 02, 2012 @ 12:31 am

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Please don't feel judged in any way, because you did what you though was best. That's all that anybody can do, and I don't think that anybody could judge you for doing that. Continue with your counseling and try to find another therapist. Know that it's natural to grieve, and that you can take your time. Most of all, remember that at the end of every storm there is a rainbow. You aren't going to be haunted by your past forever, and at the end of the storm, you won't be left empty-handed. My heart goes out to you.

REPLY on Jan 02, 2012 @ 10:26 pm

My heart also aches for you...especially because I now have two of my own children and know what it feels like to have a life inside of you (no matter how early on the pregnancy is).

I can totally see why your parents did what they did and told you exactly what to do, afterall, they love and care for you so much and even though you may have not realized it at the time, it WAS for the better at 15 years old. I had my daughter at 20, and even THEN, it was almost too much for me!! I cried so much at the beginning and it was a huge wake up call to me. I had to lean on my parents A LOT (probably too much) when I broke up with her father when she was one. So therefore, you were far too young to have a child or give it the life every mother wishes upon their children.

I am a TRUE believer that everything does happen for a reason, as cliche as it sounds. I live through this quote every single day, and maybe if you thought about it, itd help you a little bit too! For example, something couldve happened to you OR the baby if it was born, it could of had an illness, etc. I also had to believe this when I had a miscarriage a year and a half ago, I just could not come to terms with the fact I was 13 weeks along (the so called "safe" time) and lost the baby...it took A LOT to turn my mood around until I remembered my motto.

Hope this helps! xxxx

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