Why aren't you married?


mollymarie
on Mar 09, 2011 @ 09:49 pm

I found this article that I read really thinking that it wouldn't relate to me but it did. I'm only nineteen, so obviously I'm not looking to be married but I think it could apply to not having a boyfriend too.


Here's the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html


I'm definitely number four.  I know a guy has a girlfriend or he's a player or something, but I like him so much I act like I'm up for a "friends with benefits" relationship just to be close to him.  But the first step to having a problem is admitting it!  Recently a guy tried to start a friends with benefits type of thing with me and I was straight up like "I don't do that, I'm a relationship type of girl." and at first that seemed to turn him off but ever since he's been trying to talk to me a lot.  I actually think it makes me more appealing, so yay!

If the article applies to you, which number are you?  If it doesn't, tell me why! :)   
 

14 Replies


LaurenBlair
Play a little hard to get on Mar 10, 2011 @ 09:08 am

I agree, if you're just going to give it up to a guy just because he asks then it isn't much of a challenge for him. He can get what he wants from you and still treat you like crap, there is no incentive for him to do any better. But, if you make it clear from the beginning that you deserve and expect more from a partner, then he knows he's gotta put in the time, the 'reward' is so much sweeter when you have to work a little for it.
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mamaluv
great post! on Mar 10, 2011 @ 09:48 am

@Mollymarie - Thanks for posting this! I was nodding the entire time I read it. As the oldest cousin in my family and first to marry, I have been dispensing unsolicited advice of this sort to anyone and everyone who'll listen. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks these things ;)

My biggest mantra is that Love is a decision, not an emotion. Because yes - the butterflies die down eventually and the humdrum of daily life kicks in. When you're there, you have to be sure that your attitude is solid and the man you chose is your life partner (not your 'partner for life' - there's a difference)... and then you truly understand what Love is really about.

And that it is so much better than you thought!
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Becky
insightful!! on Mar 10, 2011 @ 12:05 pm

What an awesome article! Thanks for sharing it!

I actually have a friend who recently broke up with her (short term) boyfriend.. she is totally "the liar". Classic. I really badly want her to read this article!!

@mamaluv - I agree, life partner, and partner for life is different. Can you explain why you think it's different though? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this :-)
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mollymarie
thanks for replying!:) on Mar 10, 2011 @ 01:24 pm

@laurenblair absolutely agreed! and i heard somewhere a guy say (i think it was in the book "classy" by derek blasberg) that if you act like a "nice girl" (a.k.a not sleazy) then guys will treat you like a nice girl and if they're interested in you they're not going to act like you're going to just give it up to them and that really effected me too.

@mamaluv no problem! that is so wise about making sure that behind the butterflies you and the guy you want to marry are compatible with everyday life and can actually face daily challenges. when you're in that moment it's had to get past the racing heart and whatnot and understand that eventually those feelings might die down and you have to have something more substantial.

@becky i'm just really glad i have people like you guys actually responding to it! this message board doesn't seem like.. insanely active or anything (but i am new so i could be wrong). i think too many girls, like me, are "the liar". especially young girls these days.

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mamaluv
life partner vs. partner for life on Mar 10, 2011 @ 01:58 pm

@Becky - it's kind of like that first mega social studies project you get hammered with in junior high school. Sometimes you're lucky enough to pair up with your BFF, but it can also happen that you get stuck with someone who is completely unenthusiastic, won't pull their weight, and you end up having to do all the work. And your project is ultimately not as creative as it might have been, were you paired with the right person.

That is like a partner in life. Just someone that, while it started out as real Like (vs. real Love), you're yoked to and you have to face the dreary daily grind together - no fun.

But a Life Partner is someone you've invited to share your Life - the ups and the downs - because somehow you found that one person willing to put up with your idiosyncrasies and inexplicably love you because of them (not despite them), and you feel the same about him. This is not to say that you don't have rough patches, but rather that you recognize even in the depths of the rough patches that there's no one you'd rather be on this crazy roller coaster of life than with him/her.

Having said all of that, I don't believe there is just one person out of 6.5 billion (or whatever the population of the world is right now) that is right for only you. I think that there are many amazing people who, with genuine intentions and the understanding of what it takes to build a successful relationship and maintain it, could be The One.

Anyhoo, that's my two cents :)
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cathy3087
so true on Mar 10, 2011 @ 02:06 pm

@Mamaluv: I really like your take on life partner vs. partner for life.

I also don't believe that there's one soul mate out there for everyone. I believe there are many people out there that we all could find love and happiness with.
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LaurenBlair
More than one soal mate on Mar 10, 2011 @ 02:07 pm

I 100% agree with you, my Grandmother has been married 3 times. Although the first one didn't work out I truly believe that her 2nd husband of 30 years was perfect for he. When she remarried after he died I was really upset (not only because I thought she was replacing him but because I thought, how could you find someone like that again?) Now, 5 3 years later I believe that her new husband fits her wonderfully as well (I love him so so much now) he just fits her in a different way.

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Becky
.. on Mar 11, 2011 @ 09:42 am

@mamaluv I always love reading your insight, especially when it comes to relationships, and I pretty much always agree with you This is no different. So insightful! I also thought the same thing, but you put it into perfect perspective.

I really love how all of you are saying that there isn't just ONE "soulmate" out there for each of us. I completely agree with you. And that's one of the reasons why I think, once someone is in a committed relationship they shouldn't "get to know" or mix more than necessary with someone of the opposite sex. You don't want to be happily married, and then find another "the one" and have that create conflict in your current life. Grass on the other side always looks greener but people who cheat fail to remember that you know the good and bad of the person you are with. The other "the one" you only know the good, you've not shared life with that person enough to know their true bad. So of course they look better than the one you're with. But that "look" isn't reality.

wow, I digress ... don't know where that came from!

@lauren: love your grandmother's example. She's a lucky lady to have found two different kinds of true love :)
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Ali de Bold
Really interesting! on Mar 25, 2011 @ 09:49 pm

I agree with this article quite a bit. Especially the part about choosing a man for his character. You will never regret choosing someone of good character. They make the best husbands (speaking from experience) ;).
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TashaCat
Thought provoking article... on Mar 26, 2011 @ 08:31 pm

... and some classic questions/ potholes.

I'm with ali on this. Character is key. And no - this is something that doesn't change over time. You pretty much get what you marry... you can't change them. Why do we girls expect to do that? I never got the whole 'marry someone you can laugh with' until later... but I am very, very glad that we do laugh together... because sometimes life can be a bumpy ride. Everyday life is fun... when you can have someone who gets that its a journey together.
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