on Apr 06, 2011 @ 10:12 am|
Unfortunately we just found out the hard way that our fourteen year old son has bin being bullied since he started high school. He never would have told us about this because not telling on other kids is a big deal to teenagers and an even bigger no no to kids. Well last Friday he was at our local mall with his friends when three older and much bigger boys jumped him. He goes to school with these boys and even thought one of them was his friend; witch makes this even harder to believe. Two of the boys are in grade ten and the other is in grade eleven. We found out that one of these kids has bin in boxing for the last three years so when he punched my son in the face he went right to the ground. That’s when the others started kicking him in the face and chest. We were shocked when our phone rang and there was a cop on the other end asking us to come get him. My husband rushed over there, but of course these three kids beat him up and then run, so the cop couldn’t do anything about it. When he got home he was spitting up blood for two hours and both sides of his jaw had started to swell. Two of his bottom teeth were pretty loose and we even thought one was gone, but thankfully it wasn’t. We went to the school first thing Monday to tell them what had happened and that he wasn’t coming back until they could make sure he would be safe. That’s when we found out thanks to one of our sons real friend’s that one of the kids that beat him up had bin picking on him on the bus since school started. He’s bin trying to get my son to hit him so he’d have a reason to hit him back. Why kids do this to one another I don’t know, but it’s very scary and very sad for everyone. We also found out the oldest boy that’s only 15 has a two month old daughter of his own. Some father this kid is going to make if he keeps this up. I wish I could talk to him and ask him how he’d feel if his daughter was having this done to her, but I can’t. My oldest son’s girl friend was able to message the oldest boy and he told her he wants to say he sorry and that it wasn’t suppose to be like that. I think he’s only sorry because we didn’t let it go and his own father told him he had better say sorry. He also said he was only supposed to hit him ounce, but the other kids jumped in and started hitting him after he through the first punch. That right there makes us think he was set up to be beaten, but after the kid told her this he wouldn’t answer her back when she asked who told him to do it in the first place. The really sad thing about this is the father of the 11 year old boy that was hung in the school bathroom a few years ago and killed by his bullies was just at my son’s school talking to all of them about what bullying can do that morning. These three were either not there, or had they’re heads in the sand when this poor father was talking to them. Any how even though we wanted to charge these three boy’s, our son didn’t want us to. I think because he’s afraid it might make this worse, but I don’t know for sure because he never even told us this was going on. He always wants to go to school even if he’s sick, so we really didn’t think there was a problem; we thought every thing was going great for him. The school was able to put a type of peace bond on these boys so they can’t go near him at school, or on the bus. Our son said that’s good enough unless they do something again. He even wanted to go back to school today. I let him go, but have bin sitting here just waiting for the phone to ring since he walked out the door. So kids don’t always show the signs they’re being bullied, my son didn’t show one sign, like I said he always wants to go and gets up set if he has to go to an appointment and will be late for school. Thank God our son will be fine health wise, I just pray this will now come to an end and he can really enjoy his high school years the way they should be enjoyed. So please talk to your kids about everything and anything even if everything seems fine with them no matter what grade they are in. You just never know what’s going on in they’re life’s away from home and I’d hate to hear from any of you that something bad happened to one of your kids like this did to ours.
|wow! on Apr 06, 2011 @ 10:48 am|
Takoda, I'm almost in tears reading your story. I feel I'm very involved in my kids' lives and hope that they tell me when they have difficulties, but what you shared here just goes to show that you never know!
Your son sounds like a smart and brave boy - you should be proud of him! I feel sorry for those bullies and wonder what has happened in their lives that they think this kind of behaviour is necessary. They are old enough to be answerable for their own actions though, so you can only blame a rotten home situation so far and then it comes down to the individual. It sounds like the one kid isn't making good decisions in general, if at 15 he already has a child of his own.
I wish your son continued strength of body and character as he works through this issue, and for you plenty of wisdom and emotional strength to guide him in the way that you have been and will continue to do.
Thank you for sharing - it's always important to be reminded of how easily the bullying issue can hit close to home!
|I'm so so sorry on Apr 06, 2011 @ 10:57 am|
takoda, I can't imagine the hurt you are feeling for your son right now (know that my thoughts and prayers are going out to your family right now). This is such a different story from others that I've heard about bullying because you said he wanted to go to school and for something this dramatic to have happened without any signs is very strange. I don't know what it is that makes teens/kids do this sort of thing or what it will take to make this behaviour stop. I at the very least we just have to keep talking about bullying and pressuring schools to do whatever they can to prevent it (like what the school is doing for your son right now).
Hopefully this is the last bullying attack your son experiences.
Ali de Bold
|What the heck is wrong with these kids?? on Apr 06, 2011 @ 11:13 am|
I'm honestly shocked and horrified by your story, Takoda. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your boy! Do all of the parents of these bullies know what their kids did? Are there any repercussions for them at all besides this 'peace bond'? How is telling them to stay away from your son going to prevent this kind of bullying from happening to others? It doesn't sound like there are any real consequences for their actions. And I'm sure your son goes to school in fear every day because of these kids.
I think schools are far too lax with bullying. But that aside, the #1 issue is the parents as they are the ones responsible for raising decent human beings in the first place. It isn't the school's job to make up for any lack of parenting or discipline, but the rules should be black and white at school and the consequences should be extremely serious. I'm not sure what the solution is. Maybe the bully child and their parents should be forced into mandatory counseling and the kid be suspended while that happens. This just makes me so angry. It's so very wrong.
I hope you make a huge fuss of this with the parents and the school. Bullies need to know that even outside of school grounds their actions have consequences.
Big hugs to you, Takoda! And for your son.
|Get the parents involved....sooner than later on Apr 06, 2011 @ 11:48 am|
Have you had any contact with the bullies parents? I would be interested to hear their take on this....I don't recall seeing this in your post?
When the parents of bullies don't get involved or have a 'hands off' approach, that is the first red flag. I had a kid bullying my brother (years ago-brother was 7, this kid was 7) and his older brother told me that 'boys will be boys.' A week or two later, his brother (the bully) got hit in the face with a bat after getting smart with another child. When I saw his older brother after that, I asked him if he still felt the same way. No answer.
This is a situation that can spiral out of control very fast. I urge you to stay involved, and hands on. The parents need to be talking-n.o.w.
|Bullying on Apr 06, 2011 @ 12:09 pm|
So sorry to hear about your son being bullied but your son has a good set of moral considering that he wanted to go back to school right away. Have you spoken to the kids parents?? I trully hope so.......
My daughter who is in grade 5 was being picked on by boys who were younger than her but I always found out about it as the teacher or principle would alwyas call me first.. Most of it was name calling but one case was then 3 boys decided it would be funny to hit her. She told them to stop but they kept kicking her and one decided to hold unto her hood and it was choking her so she did what she had to do.. She threw one of the boys. (He wasnt hurt) But of course the school teacher only saw that part. Luckily her friends sawhat happened and defended her and she didnt get into any trouble. But she was upset needless to say..I have always told my child if someone hits you only let it happen once. So far it seems to be working as she hasn't been bothered since..
We are looking forward to Junior high in September..
|Thanks ladies on Apr 06, 2011 @ 12:26 pm|
Reading all of this from you ladies brings me to tears. Just knowing how much you all care, thank you all for your support, it means a lot more then I can say.
We were told that because the beating didn’t happen on school grounds the boy’s couldn’t be suspend for it. How ever the oldest boy that has a baby of his own was already under a suspension at the time this happened. For what we don’t because they aren’t allowed to tell us that do to privacy reasons. Something has definitely gone wrong in that kids household for him to be doing what has at such an age. We believe if he keeps it up he’ll be in jail and his baby won’t have a father. Not that he’s much of one as it is. My brother’s son had a baby at 17 and has taken care of her from day one, so the young age is an excuse. If they’re brought up right they can do the right thing even if they made a mistake and had a child at a young age. This boy sounds to me like he’s bin going down the wrong road for some time now and either his parents don’t care, or just don’t know what to do with him. We also were unable to even talk to these boys parents because the school can’t give out they’re phone numbers, or address’s do to the same reason, witch I can kind of understand. If my husband would have had the information he’d be in jail right now for beat the kids he was and is still that mad. Not that anyone should get a beating; it’s just how you feel when your child bin hurt in such a way. I have no idea what these boys parents did, or said to their boy’s about this, but the school called all of them as soon as they were done taking all of the other kids that saw it happened and got all of they’re statements. Witch I thought was very brave of all of them to do considering these kids could easily turn it back on them just for talking. We were surprise when we pulled onto the school grounds and all these kids came running up to our truck asking how he was and how they could help. They were all talking so fast and pointing out kids that I had to stop them and slow them down so we could understand what they were even saying. When we told our son about how many kids really cared about him at his school and how much they all wanted to help him out, he was very surprised. It made him feel so much better to have them not only tell what happened, but to put they’re self’s on the line with these kids for his sake. We need a lot more kids to start speaking out for one another like these great kids did for our son and put a stop to this you’re a rat if you tell crap. The school is doing the best they can with the info they get, but if they don’t see anything happening to the kids and no one tells them, they can’t do much. Now that they know what has bin going on with our son they have all of the staff watching out for him, the bus drivers and they have a cop at the school a few days a week that will be watching from now on. It would be nice if the boy’s parents made an effort to get in touch with us and at least apologized for their kid’s actions, but since no effort has come so far I really can’t see it happening now. Thanks again for all of your thoughtful words and comments about this. Kids just need to know it’s alright to speak up, they’re not rats for doing so, it’s not alright to be a bully, or to be bullied in any way and they all need to stick together when someone is being bullied. I just hope my son will start talking to us more now that this has happened and maybe our situation has opened some other’s eye’s that not all kids that are going through this will show it at home, or in they’re grade. Like I said we were shocked to find out it was happening to our son that wanted to go to school everyday and was doing very well. We all can help some kids if we see something going on when we’re on our way to and from work, or when we’re just out shopping, or at a park. It happens every where, we just all need to be more aware of it and try and help the kids that are being hurt so badly inside and out by this. Thanks again ladies and have a great day.
Ali de Bold
|Thanks for the update on Apr 06, 2011 @ 12:49 pm|
I'm glad at least the school is taking this seriously with having a police officer keeping an eye on things.
I totally agree with what you said that if any of us ever see anyone being treated that way, strangers or not it is our responsibility to intervene. I think most of us have the mentality that if we see something, it's none of our business. But who is going to defend a helpless victim if we won't?
|up to the individual on Apr 06, 2011 @ 01:06 pm|
You guys are absolutely right, and even when we're lucky enough that our kids are neither the bully nor the victim, it's important we teach them to stand up for what's right. It sounds like there are a lot of smart, caring kids at your son's school, and that's really the wonderful take-home lesson here: that there are still decent, moral people out there teaching their kids the difference between right and wrong.
I know the school's stuck in a tough spot. If they took action on students that some parents might feel was too strict, they'd face a heap of criticism. Public officials, whether politicians, police officers, school boards or individual teachers have their hands bound often, because one parent's definition of justified action is another parent's definition of too lax or inappropriate, depending on the situation.
Privacy laws are there for a very good reason - how easy would it be for an enraged parent to go after another family, even if it were "justified"? How easily could that turn into a much worse, or even heaven forbid, deadly outcome?
It's really easy to blame the school, but whatever they do, they could be on the hook for by the school board, by the authorities, by the parents, or by their insurance carrier. They have to tread on eggshells, which is why whenever I hear of problems at school, I always say that parents should follow the official channels to the maximum extent that they can to try to resolve the situation "by the book". If this is ineffective, take it to the supervising body (superintendent, or even police department if it's extreme). Don't go all vigilante and try to sort this out yourself.
Another friend of mine wanted to confront the bully's parents, but eventually decided to arrange a 3-way meeting involving the principal. Assume for a second that you were the parents of the bully and not aware of the problem: would you want a hysterical confrontation on the phone or on your front lawn? Obviously not. The best way to resolve a situation is on neutral territory with an objective 3rd party present.
Okay, hopping off my soap box now!
Takoda - these comments of mine are not directed at you specifically, but rather my views on resolving school-based conflicts in general :)
|AMEN Ali on Apr 06, 2011 @ 01:11 pm|
What is happening in the world today that our children are now turning on eachother
|not new on Apr 06, 2011 @ 01:15 pm|
@MeredithK115 - I don't think this is a new thing. Kids have been fighting since Cain & Abel (ie. beginning of time).