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baby vs man


My friend has this little baby, which she asked me to adopt when she was pregnate, I said yes. Then i got with a new guy before she gave birth someone i have been in love with for along time. well he wasn't down with adopting a child, so then i said i couldn't.  This baby is 4 months old now, and she is still asking me to take her, she just can't love her the way she should. she never wanted her and one of the main reasons she didn't abort was because i said i was going to take her child when she was born.

I'm in a situation where i don't know if i can have children, I am in the process of trying to see a doctor so i can find out if i can or not. I haven't had a regular period since my daughter was born almost 9 years ago, It goes missing for months at a time with any reason to why it happens. My hormone levels are off and i don't ovulate. I've tried have another child basicly for the past 7 years and nothings ever come of it. I've been waiting for a chance to have another child for so long, and now my boyfriend is taking that away from me. Leaving him is not an option I love him to much. But how do i change his mind? He wants his first child to be his own. well what if i can't have any more children?he says then when we find out for sure then we will adopt. well adopting cost a hellava lot of money which we don't have, yet right here in front of us, we can get a beautiful little girl whom  i love so much already for very little money If we adopt through CAS because its through a friend.

what do i do? how can i make him understand?
Dec 14, 2010 @ 09:15 am

18 Replies

Ali de Bold

Poor girl!

I'm going to be brutally honest with you. So I understand correctly: This little girl isn't wanted by her mother and you did initially but changed your mind because of your new boyfriend. In that case neither of you deserve her. She needs someone who wants her 100% and is willing to make the sacrifices necessary to provide a safe and loving home for her.

I totally get the new boyfriend not wanting to become a father on day one, but you should have been clear with him up front that she is going to be your child and you are a package deal.

The costs of adoption or whether or not you can have a baby of your own shouldn't be what determines whether to adopt this baby or not. This isn't a pet at the store that you need to either save up for or take the free one from the paper. Every decision you and your friend make will impact this little girl's life forever.

There are plenty of loving parents who would love to have this little girl and prioritize her the way she deserves.

If you believe you should be the one to adopt this child and you are prepared to make all necessary sacrifices to give her the upbringing she deserves, you have to be prepared to lose the boyfriend. If that is not a sacrifice you are willing to make, your friend should put the baby up for adoption.

Children know when they are not wanted and no one should ever have to grow up knowing that.
Dec 14, 2010 @ 10:21 am


Yes, I couldn't possibly agree more with Ali. Adults make decisions and live with the consequences. Children are completely powerless and all this infant will be able to understand is that she's not wanted.

Put the child first, whatever that means. She should - no, MUST go to a family who wants her there and will put her needs first. Hopefully that is you, but if not, you need to encourage your friend to start the adoption process of finding a new family immediately. Every day that goes by where that little girl is not 200% loved and appreciated is a tragic waste.

Sorry if this is harsh, but we're just trying to keep it real.
Dec 14, 2010 @ 10:32 am

and on the topic of options...

You say "leaving him is not an option, I love him too much".

You always have options, and they are:

Stay with boyfriend: Yes or No
Adopt the baby: Yes or No

These options are yours to make. You should not adopt just because at some point you promised you would. You should not stay with your boyfriend just because you "love him too much". At the same time, you should not give up on the baby or your relationship just because you currently disagree - these things can be worked out. The whole scenario needs to be right or your little family, with or without this new baby, will not work.

My point simply is - there is always a solution if you're prepared to live with the consequences.
Dec 14, 2010 @ 10:41 am

Don't have kids...

If a man can change your mind so easily after you made a commitment to
your friend about having the baby, then maybe you should think twice
about having kids at all. I think it is irresponsible to make such a
decision then back out just because you met a guy who may or may not be
in the picture a few years from now.

I feel for this poor child stuck in the middle of this with no one
around her to love her. She didn't ask to be put in this situation but
there she is. She deserves a loving family, not to be born as part of a
spur of the moment decision on your part. The only thing you are concerned about is the guy in your life.

Get your priorities straight and think twice before you have any kids.
Dec 14, 2010 @ 11:15 am

Agree with Ali

That's definitely a predicament, but your agreement to taking the child is the only reason why she is alive in the first place. In that sense, you're fully responsible already for the child.

If your boyfriend is opposed to the idea now, the feeling of ownership and love for this little girl will never exist for him. The child needs PARENTS that's dedicated to raising her, not just one parent.

I really think you have to choose between one or the other, for the sake of the girl. Your boyfriend needs to be in on this 100% too...
Dec 14, 2010 @ 11:17 am

gives me chills..

Reading this thread actually gave me chills. The poor baby! Just yesterday my colleague and I were talking on this subject: how some people who would make great parents try so hard to conceive but can't, and others who simply don't deserve children have 'accidents'.

This baby deserves to be with parents who want her completely, unconditionally, wholeheartedly, forever. From what you wrote, I don't think that's EITHER of you. She's not a pair of shoes or a kitten to be debated over (pay more at the pet store or less at the shelter?)!

I'm just so stunned reading this scenario, that anything I say is going to sound incoherent because I really don't know how to phrase what I have to say to this situation....

One thing though, how does your boyfriend feel about YOUR 9 year old daughter?
Dec 14, 2010 @ 02:56 pm

Ali said it perfectly....

I get that this is a tough situation for you to be in, but the right thing to do is to give her to a family that can truly love her and doesn't need to think twice about it!

If you actually love this little girl, then do what's best for her and let her go to a family that won't need to to spend months deciding whether or not they want her.

This is really sad. I hope you make up your mind soon.
Dec 15, 2010 @ 09:47 am

I agree...

There are lots of loving parents out there waiting to adopt a child. If you are feeling hesitant about it now, then it may not work out. You have to know in your heart whether you want that baby or not.

And Ali is totally right, a baby should never feel unwanted or unloved. Everyone deserves a chance to live a happy life -- perhaps giving that baby up for adoption is the best option.

Dec 15, 2010 @ 09:53 am

way to blow things out of proportion..

ok, so maybe the mom should love her more then she does, maybe i shouldn't of said i would then backed out. But, that little girl is very loved by everyone in her life, she is well takin care of, she gets ALOT of attetnion she has a daily routine that works for her, she is well fed healthy and clean. So before you guys go getting all worried stop. She is a very happy healthy little girl. She is one of the most beautifulliest children you could ever see. I made a mistake by accepting her then not. but I clearly wasn't ready at the time when i thought i was. as for the one who asked how my bf was with my 9 year old. He is absalutly amazing with her, he loves her as if she was his own. he actually does better by her then her own father does. He is not a bad person and neither are any of us involved. I needed to secure a positive male partner in my life so my daugheter has a proper father figure in her life. sounds bad maybe to some. but life is about finding the other person who fits you just right, who will be the perfect person to create,start,complete or complete a family with. people mat disagree with me, but life is about repopulation well, I don't want to raise another child on my own, and i want more. I found the perfect man for my life, i am done searching I can complete my family and add on. At the time yes it was not a good time for me to adopt, i wasn't working, my home life was not a good place to bring in a baby. I should of realized this before i agreed I know that now. The mother wasn't fully sure she could of went through with it anyways, she loves her, but feels she doesn't love her enough and she knows i love her as much as i love my own child and she feels that maybe I could do better by her then she can, she is doing a great job she gives her attention she shows her love. she just isn't getting the bonding in she needs to have for the full connection. Now I am in the right postion to take her, I have a roof over my head a steady income coming in. Life is stable here, is better.
but now the problem is,I got every girls dream the perfect relationship and perfect little family, little to no fighting, a cat and a dog, the car an apartment i love. bills paid food in the cupboards, everything except for the addition to the family that i can't seem to have on my own. I can't get pregnate, but he refuses to believe it. we don't use any type of birth control I don't get a regualr period and i dont ovulate, yet he refuses to believe i can't have more kids. I want to give that baby the loving family a loving home where she gets 100% love and not just 90%, but because he refuses to believe i can't have any more kids, he doesn't want to take her in. He wants his first child to be his own.

I appreciate everyones concern for the baby, I apprecaite everyones adoption advices. which i will pass on if she is serious about not being able to give 110%. but just don't worry about it to much. The baby is loved and well cared for..

Dec 15, 2010 @ 11:22 am
Ali de Bold

No one is blowing this out of proportion

This is a person's life. To not be wanted 100% by anyone is a really big deal. It's tragic, actually. A routine, food and a roof over her head isn't enough. She needs a loving family willing to prioritize her and give her the love and attention she needs and deserves. I think it's really sad that no one in this situation is willing to commit to her 100%. You may think she's just a baby and won't know any better but this kind of thing really screws a person up. I really hope your friend makes the right decision.
Dec 15, 2010 @ 07:20 pm

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