Break-up Split Personality, Need Help!


Seven years ago, I met my (now) ex-boyfriend at a mutual friend's house. We hit it off right away and spent a summer lounging together under the stars. He would tell me how amazing I was, and how incredible he thought we would be together, and I would continuously tell him that I wasn't interested in a relationship. I was 18, and I didn't have those kinds of feelings for him. So I dated other people, and he was my best friend, and we went through a rollercoaster of emotions together. It all came to a head one New Years Eve, when I broke his heart. Stomped on it and dragged it through the mud and regretted it immediately. I tried for the next four and a half years to make him forgive me, but he refused to answer a single call, text, e-mail. I started off trying several times a day, and as the years went on, that dwindled down to just once or twice a year. I never forgot about him and always wondered how he was.

Last summer, miraculously, he answered a text I sent him. We made plans to go for a drink, and ended up spending increasingly more time together. Somehow, something inside of me clicked and I couldn't imagine ever not wanting a relationship with him. He was mine and I knew it, and by August, we were dating. I guess, though, that I wasn't over the insecurity that came from him disappearing for so long, and I was a little crazy and clingy, and he was cool and stand-off-ish. We broke up because I wanted more than he seemed able to give me. A few weeks later, he missed me, and promised to try, and we decided to give it another shot. The next nine months were incredible. We really built a solid relationship, made memories, and shared everything. I was utterly in love with him and he knew it, but still had a wall up. He promised he wouldn't be with me unless he knew one day he'd be able to take it down. So I accepted that and allowed myself to believe that he loved me, but was just too scared to say it.

Until a month ago, when he all of a sudden became cold and distant and downright rude. This lasted a week, and I got sick of asking what was wrong only to be met with an annoyed "nothing" that made me feel like I was imagining things. Finally, he sat me down, told me he didn't want to do it anymore. That he just doesn't feel it, and doesn't want to keep leading me on.

I've been a disaster since this happened. I can't decide if I'm the strong, independant woman who keeps reminding herself of all the little things I let slide over the last year trying to make him happy, or if I'm still hoping for him to change his mind and come back, like he has in the past. If he does, I don't even know that I could trust him again, knowing that I would just spend our time together wondering if he would change his mind again and leave me devastated.

I want him back, but I don't. I feel like my whole world is falling, and I hate myself for being so pathetic and letting him dictate my hapiness. How do I move on when part of me is still holding on hoping for him to come back to me?

Oct 04, 2010 @ 01:41 pm

7 Replies


PS . . .

Part of the reason I ask is that we spoke last night for the first time since the break-up and I'm so tempted to demand an explanation, but I'm scared of breaking down and humiliating myself in front of him. Should I see him and talk it through and try to salvage a friendship? Or just cut my losses and accept a life without him in it?
Oct 04, 2010 @ 01:53 pm
Ali de Bold

Take a deep breath

It sucks to be broken up with. I know you want answers and want to ask him a million questions, but that is the opposite of what you should do. Nothing makes a person run faster than when someone is chasing them. It will also make you feel worse to chase and feel his rejection over and over. He gave you his answer, which unfortunately is he's not that into you. Your job now is to accept that and cut ties with him. If you are meant to be together, you will be eventually under other circumstances.. but clearly not right now.

Though it's hard not to feel this way, you can't let his rejection alter how you feel about yourself. You are worth the same as you were before you knew him. Your value is not tied up in his feelings towards you. Whether he wants to be with you or not doesn't affect who you are as a person one bit.

You need to do things right now to build yourself up. You just need time. Spend time with your family and friends. Invest in your passions and what makes you feel happy and good about yourself and life. Helping other people and engaging in positive actives is the best way to build up your self-esteem fund, which is currently running low ;)

We've all been through this and all survived and you will too!
Oct 05, 2010 @ 03:31 pm

Keep busy!

After breaking up, I was also in that dilemma of wanting my ex back, but at the same time not wanting him. Towards the end of our relationship, I would also let things slide and do everything i could to make him happy, even if they suppressed my own happiness.

I think deep down I was relieved that we broke up, though at the time I was still caught up in the memories and romanticizing the idea of us together. Looking back, I knew I wasn't truly happy. Though there was a period of time when everything seemed perfect, situations and people change. Love and happiness can't be forced.

Truth be told, it took me almost 2 years to get over my ex, mainly because I kept imagining how perfect it could've been, when in reality it probably wouldn't have turned out the same. The hardest part was even beginning to see potential in other guys, but you really got to push yourself to that point, because if you don't, you'll continue to think that your ex is the only one for you, and keep holding on.

Keep yourself busy, because when you've got a lot of time on your hands, it's easy to start imagining things.

Good luck! and as cliche as it is, time DOES heal, but you still gotta make an effort :)
Oct 05, 2010 @ 04:21 pm
Anony Mouse

roller coaster relationships usually don't work out

I know you love him and are used to a fair amount of drama in the relationship but those kinds don't tend to last. I agree that if he says he doesn't want to be together you need to respect his wishes or you'll only push him further away.
Oct 06, 2010 @ 10:41 am

A Mirror Image.!!

I don't know how I landed her but your post just said exactly how I feel...

I'm not alone..... x
Nov 19, 2011 @ 07:36 pm

One thing I've come to learn.... that one of the most useful things to do with emotion - particularly emotional pain, anxiety, fear and anger is to learn how to simply sit with it. Feel it. I'm not talking about spending days in bed with the covers over your head and not showering.....I'm talking simply about feeling the feeling.

While I do agree with finding tasks to keep yourself busy like the gym, friends, family, work and finding hobbies to keep yourself occupied can be helpful in the beginning....I also think that it's very important to do the real emotional work and dig in to the pain ..... it can help to move onward and not get stuck in the fear loop of not wanting to address and pick up the tender pieces of a broken heart.

To be broken up with completely sucks. There is nothing in the moment, or for days, weeks and sometimes even months that makes anyone feel better. And one day....for one may feel an ounce of happy again. Maybe it's a joke, or a picture, or a hug, or a's something. There will always be something. When that something comes along......notice that. Recognize that one tiny moment of happy. Reflect on it. Lock it in. Be conscious of that moment of happy and understand that that one teeny tiny moment of happy will grow to be two moments, then three, then ten, then a day, then three days, then a week, then four weeks....and before you know it ..... life returns, the pain of your broken heart dulls and the universe continues onward.

What 'm sure what you're thinking (we analyze the shit out of everything as women) is .... "WHY?"....."Why doesn't he love me the way that I need?"....And, really - it's unlikely that that question will ever be answered. People love because they choose to ... and because they can. Others are not able to love because they choose not to....or because they simply can't. They're not emotionally, psychologically or spiritually able to give what the other person needs. And so, one must be grateful that they know deep down that they will not be staying in the confines of an delusional relationship.....while it may not feel that way right in this moment....eventually you will come to understand and appreciate that that this man doesn't love you the way you need, want (and very rightly deserve) and that this situation once resolved allows you to open yourself up to the love that is possible for you to feel fulfilled.

You are supposed to be a disaster - you just got broken up with. Stop judging yourself and being so hard on yourself. If your best friend broke up with the dude she loved, would you scold her for being a disaster? No, you'd hold her hand and allow her to cry, even tell her that it's expected that she feel like do the same for yourself. You are human. You're not a robot and like I said above, let yourself feel.

You ARE a strong, independent woman now ...... and you will continue to be in the future. And you don't need to decide anything in this moment....about what you will or will not do if he comes or doesn't come back....about whether you will or won't trust him.....about whether if you were together and then he left you again. Do you see that it's all speculation of the future? You are not expended there is not useful. Expend energy in the here and now. Invest time in the present moment, breathe and allow yourself to deal with whatever situations that happen in the future as the situations unfold and start to happen...or not happen.

Wishing you love and light and much retail therapy to guide you through.

Nov 19, 2011 @ 09:58 pm

its going to be a rollercoaster

Just letting you know : I am still dealing with a broken heart myself.

You have to feel this, let yourself cry , have self pitty, eat all the sh*t you usually restrict, have wine, and watch movies that make you cry or make you feel empowered. lol. seriously. Just don't do these things every single day. You are hurting and you are allowed to deal with the pain in your own way.

This guy CLEARLY does not know what he had in you, and you need to be with a MAN not a BOY who can't communicate how he feels. He should have been actively talking to you about his issues with the relationship the whole time, not pretending to feel something.

You sound like a strong, sincere, and loving girl who was deeply hurt, and I am so sorry you are hurting. I know that pain personally and I wish I could take it away for you.

Talking about it helps, talk about it until you are even sick of the topic. It is all a process and and it SUCKS beyond words, there is no denying it.

I would advise you to cut off all contact with this guy. If you talk tell him you respect his decision, it doesn't change your love for him but you respect it....then don't talk again.

Whether he comes back or not he will see you are mature, strong, loving , and independent (which you know you are).

If you want to vent to me or talk just let me know and you can email me. I have been in your shoes and I know that sometimes it helps to just say all that you feel knowing you won't be judged.

I hope that your pain leaves you quickly, and your heart heals sooner rather than later. Know you are loved, and there are others out there hurting like you are.

Sending you lots of love !!!!
Nov 21, 2011 @ 09:43 pm

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