on Mar 01, 2008 @ 06:22 am|
I'm in a relationship with a great guy, we've been together for about four months now. I am in love with him and He is in love with me. A few things I can't seem to ignore though are his jealousy. I am in a different country right now and he is constantly asking me questions and thinking I'm cheating. He gets really mad sometimes when he's asking me these questions. Another thing I can't get over which I know is my fault is when we were friends I remember we told each other that we couldn't be faithful. Now it's constantly on my mind as well as on his. Things are different for me this time around and I have no desire to cheat. He tells me things are different for him too and he's tired of how he use to be and doesn't want to end up alone. He also says I am the only one that ever kept him interested. The day he dropped me off at the airport he finally told me he loved me. It felt magical. Also when we made love one day before I left he looked down at me and said I don't want to lose you. The last thing that bothers me is that I don't hear from him everday. I am selfish in this area and I would like to hear from him more. Am I being overdramatic? Am I being foolish? Any advice or comments? Thanks a million!!!
|Trust is the fundamental of any relationship on Mar 01, 2008 @ 09:12 am|
I think to have any positive relationship with anyone, you must have trust, whether it's romantic or friendship. If you don't have trust, it doesn't matter how much you love one another, this lack of trust will tear you apart in the end. I was in a long distance relationship with my hubby for about 3 years and we only got to see each other every other weekend. I can't tell you how important it was to both of us that we have that absolute trust in each other.
Given your histories and honesty with each other, I'm not surprise trust is something that will not come easy in your relationship. However, trust can be earned and I think you both deserve the chance to earn each other's trust. Give the relationship sometime. Let him know how much you love him and remind him why you feel he's different from all your past relationship and how you are different now. At the same time, tell him how you feel when he doesn't trust you and when he gets mad. In the long distance relationship, you need to have a really good channel of communication to build that trust. So talk to him, make him talk to you (not get mad at you, but TALK).
As for hearing from him all the time...well, I think guys and girls are different. I used to love hearing from my guy everyday, almost a need to hear his voice every night before I go to bed. However, I can tell you while my guy loved me very much and loved hearing from me, he though talking on the phone every night for an hour was excessive. Ok...I admit in retrospect, an hour every night is excessive (although I certainly didn't feel that way at the time). But I don't think you are overdramatic for wanting to hear from him everyday...as long as your need to talk to him stems from you missing him and not from you feeling suspicious.
Anyway, I hope things work out for you. Long distance relationship is hard but many of that hardship can be overcome if you both put your heart to it. Good luck!!
Ali de Bold
|Warning bells on Mar 01, 2008 @ 12:21 pm|
Anonymous I'm reading your post and warning bells are going off in my head.
1. The lack of trust
2. The jealousy
3. It's too early to be having trouble...
This is just based on my own past experience and I hope I am wrong, but as BB said, if you don't have trust you don't have anything.
The jealousy and anger really concerns me because it can eventually lead to control and abuse. Trust me, I have been there. I really believe that if you are in the right relationship you will rarely have to deal with jealousy and insecurity because you will both work very hard to ensure the other feels totally loved.
You have been together for 4 months. You should still be in the honeymoon phase! It's tougher because you are apart, but the fact that you guys are already arguing and not able to fully trust each other does not sound good to me.
I think there are two kinds of love: Crazy lust where there are a lot of sparks and passion early on, but none of the foundation that you can really build a relationship on, and True love that is built on a foundation of trust, respect, love, shared values ... with a healthy dose of lust.
Just remember that you teach people how to treat you. If he is angrily accusing you of cheating on every phone call and you allow that to continue, you are allowing him to treat you in a negative way. He sounds insecure and that is for him to resolve. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about that.
Above all, listen to your gut. It is there for a reason and in hindsight, isn't it always right?
|trust your intuition on Mar 01, 2008 @ 08:15 pm|
If your intuition is telling you that you can't trust him, chances are you can't. The only one who can know for sure what you are feeling in your gut is you, all you have to do is listen to what it's telling you.
No relationship can last without mutual trust be it friends, family or a romantic relationship. They all need MUTUAL trust. Open honest communication are key as well. Talk to him calmly about how you feel, why you feel the way you do, your concerns about the relationship, whatever is on your mind. I think four months into a relationship is too soon to be having such jealousy/anger issues as it seems you are having but every relationship is different and works on it's own terms. For me personally I would be cautious about things with this relationship though if there's this much drama after only four months. If you both truly care for one another and you both truly want to give a lasting relationship a chance then it isn't impossible, but with a major lack of trust right from the start it's going to be hard to work past that and earn each other's trust and to learn to trust in each other.
I know the long distance thing is hard, my boyfriend and I are long distance right now. But after almost one year as a couple things are good. We have our share of arguments and bad times but we trust each other completely. We communicate honestly with each other about everything even when the truth may hurt. We have been friends literally our whole lives, and we've been best friends for a long time before becoming a couple. That sort of "brutal" honesty has always been an important thing for both of us so we've been sure to maintain that aspect of our relationship as a couple. My boyfriend and I call one other every day; usually twice a day or sometimes more, depending on what's going on in our lives. (For example he's called me about a dozen times in the past 24 hours because of something personal that I've been going through and he wants to check up on me and make sure I'm ok.) We both want to talk that often, we both like having that kind of communication with each other because we miss each other like mad, and being "together" on the phone helps us to get through our times apart. Some people might find how often we talk to be too much and find it suffocating but it works for *us* and that is all that matters. When we don't agree we do our best to find a compromise that will leave us both happy. We do our best to work through all the problems life throws our way as calmly as possible. If we're too upset to calmly work through a problem we just take a break for a while to cool down and let our emotions settle down before we approach the subject again to rationally talk it out. We try to avoid the blaming game (you know... "it's your fault" kind of stuff....) because we've both learned from past relationships that you really just never get anywhere when you act that way about the problems you face in a relationship.
I couldn't go into a relationship where there is no trust right from the beginning. It's such an important thing, and without it there is so much jealousy, fighting, hurt feelings, unnecessary drama.
Ultimately you are the only one who knows deep down what is best for you. Same thing I started this post with... all you have to do is listen to what your intuition is telling you. Like MC said, in hindsight you always see your intuition was right, whether you chose to listen to it or not.
|What is he like? on Mar 04, 2008 @ 08:41 pm|
I think it is different with different type of people. I mean culture. Why are you away? Is it short term seperation? Cause i am afraid long distance relationship is hard to maintain. I want more details.
|It is hard ... on Mar 05, 2008 @ 12:40 am|
Long distance relationships are hard to maintain, and they need EXTRA work on both ends. If he keeps on bringing up cheating, he's obviously has his issues about it. Tell him you are sick of hearing about it and if he doesn't want to be alone he better get his act together. You do not deserve to be accused all the time of cheating. He sounds like a descent guy but saying things like "you are the only one that has kept me interested" is the wrong way of wording it (Guys are so dumb!)
On a brighter note:I was in a long distance relationship and we are now happily married.
|guilty? on Mar 05, 2008 @ 11:49 am|
Yes, LDRs can work. My fiance and I were LDR for about 1 year. And now we're getting married in October! :-)
I can't help but think that your bf is so insecure and wondering about you cheating only b/c he's guilty of it himself. Its a syndrome of the pot calling the kettle black. Albeit not the most mature method, next time he brings up the issue, throw it back at him.
|RE warning bells on Mar 06, 2008 @ 05:24 am|
MissChickee spells it out for you above. After 4 months love shouldn't be on the table and jealousy definately should not have shown up yet. At first i thought you were between 16 and 21 because i fell in love alot during those years :). Then you said you were not in the country so now im not sure how old you are. The point is you should read the paragraph MissChickee wrote about 2 kinds of love. Telling someone you dont want to lose them during love making is like telling the chef the foods good while hes still cooking. Your not going to say anything to stop the food from showing up. Also the I love you at the airport could be read as them trying to make sure you stay faithful rather than them actually meaning it. Long distant relationships are difficult. I would never travel so far at the beginning of a enw relationship. How long have you been gone? How long before you return? How much of the 4 month relationship have you been apart?
Or i could be completely wrong :). Go with what your gut feeling tells you.
|more details.... on Mar 09, 2008 @ 06:09 pm|
well, i left because i was having issues at home and needed a break. we were together for 3 months then i left in january. we talk as much as we can via email, phone. i really like him but you guys are right, it shouldnt be this rocky so early on... i will be back in ten days, so i hope all goes well
|ending... on Mar 11, 2008 @ 10:32 am|
I found a job and im going to school, I found an apartment and a roomate... so all is over and i have decided to start over fresh... thanks guys :(
Ali de Bold
|Good decision on Mar 11, 2008 @ 10:57 am|
For what it's worth I think you've made the right decision. It will be tough but life is too short to be cluttered with rocky relationships that will only distract you and leave you feeling empty.
Enjoy your new freedom!