i so hate doing this but at this point i'm kind of desperate, and would truly appreciate any advice my fellow gals could offer.
basically my serious boyfriend of almost five years now was having inappropriate contact with a girl he worked with when we first got together, up until a year or so ago. we share a computer and i was uploading pics last week and accidentally came across saved conversations between them. she was going on her webcam and doing things for him, he was saying about how hot she was and chitchatting, saying he missed the good ol days when they worked together and even i love you chief (his nickname for her i guess.) when they signed off. he was getting off to it and also talked about how he wanted to have sex with her, etc.
I confronted him maturely about it, even though its breaking my heart to even think about it. he said they had never done anything physically together while we have been in a relationship, but after i asked and asked he finally admitted that when we broke up for 3 months at the beginning (we were together a couple months before getting back together again so weve been a couple for quite a while), they actually made out at work, but i still dont know how many times and how far it went.
he said she has always liked him, and i know that he has given her lots of rides him after work and also seen her since he left that job. there are other random things but this is basically the biggest issue.
i am pretty sure now he hasnt talked to her since and i told him that if he ever does again we are over.
but now i know he is going onto this website kind of like facebook, where you can join adult groups (which he has) and view/upload pics and videos and message other people. he has naked pictures up of himself, and has tried to add about 10 other women that are all obviously into that stuff as well.
its fine if he watches porn, hell i would even watch with him (and ive told him that!) but this is too much for me and i consider even the webcam sex with strangers cheating, especially when he is shady about it.
we have a very strong, loving mature relationship despite our age (we're both 21) other than this stuff, so im having a hard time trying to work through this. any thoughts or advice would be awesome!
Aug 05, 2010 @ 11:04 pm

5 Replies


a dealbreaker for me

We've had a really interesting discussion on porn earlier, with many different viewpoints expressed. While some were against the use of porn, those in favour almost unanimously said that it was okay because it was not a "real person" (ie. it's a character/actor) they or their sig. other was fantasizing about. It's the difference between something passive or interactive.

In my opinion (and I strongly doubt I'll be alone here), participating in such a site where there are live webcam sexual interactions with real people in real time IS THE SAME AS CHEATING. This is not me being narrow minded - it is just plain common sense. Where is the line? That they are not actually touching? Don't you think that's where it will eventually go? This is a slippery slope and he's already whizzing down the slide.

It was very mature of you to forgive his YEARS LONG interaction with this person who is clearly interested in ruining your relationship. However, it was also naive and overly trusting of you to do so. I would have been long gone.

You have 5 years of mostly good times (forgetting for a sec - and I wouldn't - the "cheating" he's been doing with this girl), and congrats to you guys for keeping it together for so long. What will happen when it's been 15 years and you have kids? Will you still be willing to put up with this BS? Will you want your kids to see this (and they will, either by accidentally discovering his behaviour or seeing the strain between you two)? Your son would learn it's acceptable to treat his woman this way, and your daughter would learn it's acceptable to lie down and accept this.

A 200% dealbreaker for me. Run, honey!

Aug 06, 2010 @ 07:45 am
Ali de Bold


I'm sorry this is happening to you. I don't think your guy has the slightest clue of how to behave in a committed relationship. There are so many red flags here, I honestly don't think it's worth salvaging.

No one should be allowed to treat you this way. It is completely disrespectful and if you forgive him, this pattern will continue. Regardless of what he tells you, the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. The adult website is reason alone not to stay with him.
Aug 06, 2010 @ 11:00 am

wise words

Thank you both for your honesty, it's such a bizarre situation for me and i'm still trying to wrap my head around it all, but it helps to hear your perspectives.
Aug 08, 2010 @ 10:58 pm

What do you think?

I think anything he's done with this girl at work while you guys were broken up is his right to do. You might not like it but that's why you're broken up right? I'm not sure if the initial thing you mentioned about finding the computer conversations with the girl was when you guys were broken up or not. If it was, I think that's would hurt to read but he is allowed to sleep with whoever he wants then. It if was when you guys were together, then I'd be pissed off. You do not tell another girl you want to have sex with her when you're in a relationship with someone else and that would be a deal breaker for me.

Having often been the "good friend of a guy who's girlfriend finds me as a threat", I think it shows how insecure, untrusting and controlling the girl is by not allowing him to be my friend anymore. It's one of my pet peeves. A major difference in your situation is that they actually have a bit of a history whereas I have never thought of any of those guys as more than friends. At least he seems to be making this up by not talking to her anymore. I also think that if a girl has to restrict her boyfriend from seeing a girl then that means she can't trust him around that girl and if she can't trust him then that's a bad sign.

As for the Facebook-like adult group. . . that really weirds me out. . . I don't like it. Could it be he's just doing it because he needs external female validation about his appearance? Could it then lead to more? I have no experience with this and thus I have no idea.

Having said all of my opinions though, my question is what do you think? No matter what opinions I or anyone else might have, it sounds like you don't like how he's behaving and it's hurting you. I can also see this turning into a larger trust issue where you're going to have a hard time trusting him.

So in conclusion, I'm more on the "I don't know side" compared to Mamaluv and Ali. I guess the one part for me would depend on if telling the work-girl he wanted to have sex with her was when you guys were together or broken up. Otherwise I think everything else would hurt you, but allowed since you guys were broken up. Posting naked pictures of himself on that group is the one thing that gives me a bad vibe.
Aug 09, 2010 @ 01:15 am

Bad, bad, scene!

I'm afraid you won't want to hear this- I think even though you say you have a very mature relationship, there is no way your boyfriend is ready to settle down with just one person. It sounds like he keeps proving this to you by what he's doing on the internet. That IS cheating in my book and I wouldn't let him get away with it. If you do, he will keep doing it and expecting you to take hime back every time. Do you really want to go through that kind of pain? I know 5 years is a long time but better to cut ties before you have a child and are linked to a cheater forever. You would just be setting yourself up for years of heartbreak with someone you could never trust. What kind of relationship would that be?

I realize that at 21 you feel that you are mature and able to be in a commited relationship. You really are so young though! Sorry, I know it's a clique but it's true. I'm now 44 and I got married just before I turned 30. I don't think most men even want to consider marriage or a commitment until 30 or thereabouts. Your boyfriend just wants to have his cake and eat it too: he can have you as his steady girlfriend (who probably cooks, cleans, pays bills, does laundry, meets his sexual needs, etc.) but he also indulges in sexual escapades with other people. Lots of men would do just the same if they thought they could get away with it! Please don't let him use you like that, you are too good for him. If he is actually admitting to some of what he is doing then there is probably a whole lot more that he is keeping secret from you. Without the trust in a relationship, you really have nothing. It sounds like he's violated your trust once too often. You're 21, let him go and set yourself free. I wish you luck with your difficult decisions. Remember, you don't deserve to be treated this way so don't let him do this to you!

Aug 13, 2010 @ 05:24 pm

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