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Dating the Jerk and the Rich Guy


This is something that I still don't understand:

Why do some women prefer to date a man who treats them like shit?

And why do some women purposely go for the men who are rich??

I don't get it. What do women really want? And why is a guy who is an asshole more appealing than a nice guy?

I hate to stereotype and be a bitch to my own gender, but I had to start this discussion. I know there are tons of good women out there... but still there are many that are these kinds of ladies.

May I get some opinions, please?
Jul 13, 2007 @ 07:46 pm

3 Replies


taking a stab at this minefield question...

I'm going to go psychoanalytical here and assume that such women follow patterns established in childhood and have terrible self-esteem issues.

I know several women who have dated assholes and they share a common background - a distant, domineering parent. They are used to being pushed around and live for the moments of tenderness that are dribbled into the relationship from time to time and attach enormous meaning to them (see, he does love me!). On some level they do not believe themselves deserving of an egalitarian relationship and are relying on their man to "parent" them because they don't have enough faith in their own decision-making abilities. At the same time, they recognize their shitty circumstance but don't know how to break the cycle. Particularly women whose mothers were dominated by their husbands do not have an example of how to deal with their men, and despite the wealth of advice and information available to them are trapped by their childhood imprinting that told them this type of behavior is expected and appropriate.

I also know some women who go for rich guys. This is a little harder to pin down, but in my experience it is the girls who come from comfortable circumstances and can't bear to reduce their situation. My boyfriend (now husband) tells me I was quite the snob at first, expecting a certain standard to be upheld once we were married and not really prepared to live as broke students. What a rude awakening, but glad I made it through! While I didn't have a long string of boyfriends before him, I did to an extent consider potential dates' financial situation, not wanting to go out with someone "dirt poor" (as I snobbily thought of them at the time). Also, for a potential mate we want someone with ambition and security - really, would you go out with a 40-year-old Home Depot clerk? I didn't think so. Very "law of the jungle", but sadly true.

Finally, I think a lot of women like the idea of buying a "fixer-upper". We want the bad boy because we think life will be that much more interesting (and great sex - whoo hoo!!) and assume we can tweak what we don't like. Unfortunately, I've yet to meet a guy who allowed major renovations.

That's my 2 cents. I have no background in psychology, so these are just my amateur thoughts on the matter. Feel free to rip me 6 ways from Sunday; it's a good discussion point and one that should be aired.
Jul 14, 2007 @ 12:54 am
Ali de Bold

My 2 cents

The Bad Boy:
We date the bad boy because we like to think we are the ones that can save him. We have romantic notions that he would be willing to "change his ways for me alone!" Even though this is pretty much never the case.

I've dated bad boys in the past and they are just that. Bad. I can easily say that my relationships with "Good" boys were a million times more fulfilling and fun because you can focus on having fun together rather than dealing with the emotional roller coaster that comes hand in hand with being with an a-hole.

Mamaluv is right. If you are with the bad boy, you probably have a low self-esteem and you are looking for validation in all of the wrong places.

The Rich Guy:
An old acquaintance of mine used to go specifically after wealthy men. She even dated a guy for 2 years that she did not love because he had money. I found this disgusting.

I completely understand that ideally you want to find someone with a good and stable job, because in the back of your head you're always thinking that if you got married and had kids and this guy works at Pizza Pizza life is going to be really difficult.

But women who throw themselves at men they are only interested in because of the money is just gross. I would never sacrifice the incredible bond and happiness that comes with the right guy for a few (or a lot) of extra dollars and get stuck with some old crustacean or a guy I didn't love.
Jul 14, 2007 @ 10:43 am

you got it

mamaluv and misschickie hit the nail on the head.

Dating the jerk all comes down to self-esteem and role-model, which are very likely complementary in the woman's upbringing. If you've had a domineering force in your upbringing, you are more likely to require a domineering force through adulthood.

Dating the rich guy is a matter of complacency and settling. I agree that this one is more difficult to assess. A lot of silver spoons do not grow up needing to be provided for, but would rather do the providing. But I've seen it the other way around too. Perhaps dating the rich guy is more a priority issue, placing money and comfort above love and companionship. They each have a cost, but love and companionship is priceless.

Jul 14, 2007 @ 12:17 pm

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