Dealing with Mr Emotional Abuser

Lotus Flower

i got out of a relationship a couple of months ago from an emotionally abusive man. this guy was all sweet and attentive when sober but when he drunk i was subjected to abusive texts and verba insults after which he would apologize a lot and i would take him back as he always promised to change. My friends loved him since he would always be kind and charming around them. in our relationship we were happy for max a week in a month then he would drink, abuse me, blame me for everything wrong in the relationship then begs for forgiveness and says he will change. that was our cycle. i loved this man with all my heart. he even proposed and all. i thought he would truly change and that he drank because he was going through alot in his life. but then one day he just broke up with me(of course he was drunk) and said i was to blame for him leaving. A few weeks after that i checked his Facebook and saw the real reason he broke up with me. his profile pic is one of him kissing his new girlfriend. a girl he kept insisting was "just his close friend". after 3years of devoting myself to this man i was just discarded like trash. the question is...How do you recover from an emotionally abusive relationship???
Jun 23, 2009 @ 07:54 am

7 Replies


you you you

I'm sorry about your rough time. He sounds like a low ball coward scum
bag who doesn't even deserve your heartache. You need to cut him out
of your life completely, and that means no longer checking out his
Facebook page.

I think you know deep down inside that you are none of the things he
accused you of being. Its time to buckle down and focus on yourself to
really harden in yourself that you are not to blame.

Some say that when a person is drunk, their true self shines through --
no more inhibitions to make them think twice about what they're about
to do or say. I would hazard to guess that the problem in the
relationship was not you (for sure) and it may not have even been him.
The problem was the drinking and how it "changed" him.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on confidently and
gracefully. Find yourself again. Immerse yourself in your friendships
and work on knowing that you are none of the things he accused you of
being while he was drunk.

Break ups can, and do, take a long time to recover from. I have no
idea the validity, but I think I read somewhere that for each year of a
relationship, it will take that many months to recover (3 yrs = 3
mos). If you feel like you're still struggling after what feels like
"too long" I would seriously consider a therapist. There is no shame
in therapy and I'm sure she'll set you on the right track of regaining
your own self-worth and confidence.

Be strong!!
Jun 23, 2009 @ 08:10 am
Ali de Bold

You just dodged a bullet

I totally agree with Spotty.

I know you loved him, but I'd look at this like a bullet you just dodged. Can you imagine if you had married this guy? He doesn't sound like husband or father material.

You don't need this drama in your life. No one does. Life is short and there are so many more important things to be doing with your time than dealing with this man who is obviously incapable of a healthy relationship at the moment.

I agree with Spotty you shouldn't be torturing yourself with his facebook. Delete him as a friend and focus on recovering from this relationship. Abusive relationships wear on your character and force you to compromise yourself over and over again. You will need some time totally alone and happy with your friends and family to get over it.

You need to be strong now and tell yourself you deserve better.
Jun 23, 2009 @ 09:27 am

well said

Both Spotty and MissChickie are absolutely correct.
Jun 23, 2009 @ 12:28 pm

you deserve better

I've gone through an abusive relationship, as most people have some point or other in their lives, so I completely understand where you're coming from. Its been over 2years for me and I've still not recovered (thats NOT to say it'll take you a long time!!!!! I really hope it doesn't).

From my experience, its hard enough to get over the emotional scars left by an abusive partner, its even harder when one is idle and has spare time. You know the saying "an idle mind is the devils workshop"? That can't be more true than in this situation. You want to forget him, you know there's no reason YOU should miss HIM (if anything the scumbag should be missing you, and you should be relieved to have gotten rid of bad rubbish!!!) .... however you still can't help yourself from checking his facebook profile, seeing what he's up to, how he's doing, how he's moving on, etc. and you can't help yourself from missing him. Especially when you see he's moving on and is apparantly fine and happy with someone else, thats when you really start blaming yourself and thinking that perhaps it really was you (it wasn't!)... I know everyone says "move on" or "get over it", but in reality It's very hard to just get over it. Its hard but not impossible.

To keep yourself from missing him, hurting for him and generally feeling like crap - you need to keep yourself busy busy busy. Do what you need to do to get the pain out; if you're a talker, then have a girls night in, watch a good tear jerker with your girls and let it all out. If you're not a talker, then watch a good tear jerker by yourself and cry your heart out. Let yourself grieve as if you were grieving for someone who died (because, really, your relationship died, along with the hopes, dreams, expectations, memories, and life you'd built around him these past 3 years). Let your pain out, let the tears heal you ... and allow yourself to move on. Forgive yourself for whatever fault you may think you have, recognize all the bad in the relationship and concentrate on those.

What helps me is, I wrote down sort of chronicle / diary style of several series of events that occured.....and whenever I feel myself weaken, I read through it, and get back my prespective.

I find that no matter how bad the relationship, after a while the deal breakers seem to loose their sharp edges, and the good memories seem to prevail (and weaken us and cause us pain) - putting your relationship into writing might help you in those situations.

Although no one can feel the exact sense of loss you're feeling, or the exact pain you're feeling (because although we've all experienced heartache, everyone feels it in their own unique way), you're not alone. You will get through this, you're stronger than he gave you credit for.

If ever you need to vent or scream or rant or whatever ... we're all just a website away :) *hugs*
Jun 23, 2009 @ 07:41 pm
Lotus Flower

The Hard Part

Thanx for your advice its really nice to get views from unbiased parties. the worst thing is this man shattered me so much to the point where i dont love myself anymore. thats the hardest thing. i tend to believe i deserved that kind of treatment because i wasnt doing enough to make him happy. i was made to believe that love must hurt for it to be real. now all i am left with is a feeling of numbness. i fell out with 2 of my best friends because of this man. i honestly thought he loved me, but for him i was merely a fling someone he could release his sexual tension on, while he waits for his new girlfriend to "come around " as she is holding out on the physical part of their relationship. i was used. Right now i feel totally alone in this world. I have no one to talk to or hang out with. Am glad i have a puppy tho....he makes my day..... :-)
Jun 25, 2009 @ 02:29 am

something totally new ...

Hi lotus! Keep on truckin'. I know its cliche, but it does get better -- just takes time.

Have you thought about taking up a new hobby or activity? Something totally different? Something totally new? You expressed that you have no self-love right now. You also mention you've fallen out w/ 2 girlfriends. I say jump into something new that you've always wondered about. You will rediscover yourself and perhaps even redefine yourself. And along the way you'll meet new friends. These new friends won't necessary replace your old friends, but they will further enrich your life b/c the new friends will all share this new found hobby. Think about it ... knitting, tennis, basket weaving, pole dancing, rock climbing, tae kwon do, etc ... I don't know what kind of puppy you have, but maybe even take him to a local dog park to romp around and in process meet new folks -- a chance to start over from scratch.
Jun 25, 2009 @ 08:10 am


i'm sorry to hijack the thread but i didn't want to start a new thread on my little pity party... and perhaps answers that i get might help Lotus as well...

everyone says it takes time, how much time does it take? i thought i was over him... i just learnt that he's moved on wtih someone else... and it hurts so much!!! i feel so inadequate. inadequate is an inadequate word for the way i feel. what was missing in me that he couldn't invest in our relationship, treat me well and stay faithful to me? what does she have that he is investing himself in her treating her well and being faithful to her? what was lacking in my love, that after 9 years he could forget me so fast....
Jun 28, 2009 @ 02:41 am

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